My stepson is using heroin. My husband is waffling on doing anything. I think his best hope is to be arrested so that we can force him into rehab. About 3 weeks ago, a cellphone of mine came up missing. My husband knows there is a good chance that my stepson is using it right now. He does NOTHING. I feel to betrayed and angry re: my husband and I want to have my stepson arrested but I am not sure if it would be something I would regret. What do you think?
You have to ask yourself if not regretting not doing anything is worth the price of the regret that you will feel by letting him stay the same....or worse, and you know what I mean by worse. Don't let yourself worry to death and don't work harder for his recover than he does.
Bearing in mind it is not the taking of action, but the credible threat of taking action that is important, and adding to that fact if you have him arrested he will know who was responsible, I suspect having a heart to heart talk with him prior to notifying the police would be appropriate. You have to remember that the police are not necessarily your friend (I am a supporter of the police, so don't misunderstand). Added to this fact is that there are draconian penalties for possession of heroin in amounts commonly held by ordinary addicts. In addition simply telling a police officer he uses heroin is not enough to substantiate an arrest. I think you should consult an attorney in your area with experience in narcotics cases and buy an hour of his time for advice, should you choose the arrest route.
Well I can tell you from my experience jail is only going to aner him...not fix the problem. My boyfriend is in jail now for his addictions...actually for his actions while using and this is not the first time. I know when he gets out the first thing he will do is ask me for suboxone, then eventually go back to using xanax, lortabs, whatever he can get. I love him and have asked him to get help, ask the courts for drug program but he insists that he is better and refuses help. Jail is not the answer....your step son has to really want to get clean...Ive been to 4 rehabs myself and nothing worked..because I was not ready. Ive been clean now for one year ( thank goodness for suboxone) but I was finally ready to do it. He has to be ready. As far as his actions ( stealing, lying) he is a addict and is not himself. He stopped being himself the day he started using heroin. My brother died from a heroin overdose in 2007 because he never wanted or got any help. All you can do is give him the support, let him know you are there to help, and step back and let him come to you. I would get information and leave it all over the house...he made want help, but he is scared. Anger is not going to help the problem, but by no means do you have to put up with the stealing either. Tell him the rules, stand by it and let him decide what he wants. If it to use then you have no choice but to pull back, protect yourself emotionally and tell him when he is finally ready you will be there. If jail would have help my brothers addiction problems ( thier programs) that would have been great, but he used in jail too. He spent half his life locked up and still manaed to get high.....nothing works unless the addict wants it bad enough!
What a hard thing to deal with! I think that you should have definite proof before deciding to press charges against your stepson. It also sounds like your husband would rather be in denial than reality. I would suggest that the two of you have couples counseling so that you can both get on the same page about how to deal with your stepson's addiction. Its kinda crazy how a family member gets addicted to drugs and the entire family begins to be negatively affected. Save your marriage find a way to work with your husband to get a handle on this situation. It sounds like you love your spouse you all are just in a difficult situation. Don't let it tear your marriage apart. You guys can wor together to beat this. Good luck and keep me posted.
Just trying to catch you up this was her last post:
I just found out my stepson is shooting heroin. He is a very very young 17. My husband is an emotional cripple. He told me on Sunday that he was going to contact son's probation officer who is involved because of alcohol possession last summer. He (husband) left one message for the po Monday and then took off to a friends for 24 hours. When he got home today, he said he was going to try the po again but did not. My son leaves his needles and spoons just sitting in his room. He denies a problem but admits using. He is going to OD! He has a low IQ in the first place and doesn't pay attention to anything he is doing. He trusts everyone unless they contradict his best friend. I have been telling my husband that he needs to do something for years but he does nothing but go to court and get son out of everything. Every bedroom in the house has to be locked. I hate my spineless husband and my life! I can't do anything because I am not a legal guardian.
No worries, I have OCD and I stay on here and read almost everything that comes across.
Thank you all for your input. I am just so obsessed with this mess that I can't seem to do anything. I feel so betrayed by my husband who knows son has things that belong to me and has made no attempt to get it back. He is proud to say that he has "only yelled at his kids once". I know I want to have son arrested partly to get some justice. But he is just a kid and he and his friends know everything...until they learn that they know nothing...if they live that long....arrrgggg
Ideally, an arrest should be "massaged" through an attorney. Basically the attorney will contact the ADA, and an agreement will be made for mandatory attendance at a program, plus probation. The arrestee will be placed under pressure to identify his supplier. There is some danger in precipitating such an arrest, not necessarily from the arrestee but from the supplier, higher up the chain. Bear in mind the supplier is likely to get life, and in such a case the response may be unpredictable.
I'm so sorry you are going through this with your beloved son. It's heartwrenching.
You HAVE to understand that along the way, dealing with the addiction of a loved one, the family and friends get sick too. Your husband definitely is a classic enabler, and a lot of times has his head in the sand. You as well are having a rough time dealing with this. You guys both need to attend something like alanon, or naranon, to start really learning about addiction, and getting some support people who have lived through it.
There HAS to come a point where you set your bottom lines, and stick to them. That usually means NOT enabling them in aany way, not with a place to live, a car, money, or help out of legal binds. HE has to fall on his butt and HE has to face the consequences on his own. If he is "forced" into rehab, he'll likely fail. It's only when he WANTS it for himself that rehab will finally work.
You need to send a strong message to your son....tell him you love him and support him, ONLY in his recovery, you will not support him in ANY way while he is using. That's NOT an easy thing to do, because you feel like you're turning your back on him. You're not,...you're turning your back on the addiction and the resulting poor behavior that has now affected YOU.
Very best to you, please update us! Prayers for your son coming your way hon!
I feel sorry for you , i can understand your emotion as you feel betrayed from both the sides, & you have no one to trust at your end. i would still suggest you to first talk with your stepson reg. what he is doing. If he is not paying attention to you, then you have the option of taking help from some outsider, if you know that person well,with their help you can take him to good rehab center for counselling. Since i feel involving police into this matter will worsen your condition more, where both your hubby as well as your stepson will once for all loose faith in you,
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