Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
Any parents of heroin addicts here?
About This Community:

WELCOME TO THE ADDICTION: LIVING WITH AN ADDICT COMMUNITY. This patient support community is for family members and loved ones of people who are substance abuse addicts. Discussions cover how to help your loved one, enabling, coping with the emotional impact of addiction, intervention, and when to seek medical help. If you are not a family member of a substance abuse addict and instead need help with your addiction, please visit our Addiction: Substance Abuse Community to get the support you need.

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1530493_tn?1410060236
Look at YOU !!!!
You want to give back ?  
You just did :) !!!
Your words above...will surely be words of encouragement to many just beginning this journey.
I want to be the first to say...I wish I could have done it like you :)
Great job mom
Stay close !!
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Avatar_f_tn
My Son came home 2 days ago. He will be leaving to go to a Sober House on Monday. He will be in the next town over, he was going to go to South Carolina but he has too many court cases that need to be settled here. This makes me nervous being so close to here. Today I saw a car pull up the driveway of course I went to see who it was , when I opened the door I saw 2 of my sons friends get out who I know are on drugs. I was furious I told them to turn around get back in there car and don't ever come back and if I ever see them here or  around here again I wont think twice about calling the cops and telling exactly why I don't want you guys around. my son came out asking who I was yelling at and when he saw he asked me to stop yelling they just wanted to say hello. I told him too bad and if he didn't like it he was welcome to get in their car and take off too. Thankfully he went back in the house. I told him I am here for you I will take you to your court hearings I will drive you to work I will do everything I can to help you stay Sober but if I see or hear that you are hanging with any of your old friends all help of any sort will stop I am not going to play part in this revolving circle any more. He said I don't want to go back there I just feel like a child when you yell at my friends like that. I told him the reason programs work so well for you is the constant structure and keeping you away from some bad influences someone there  to keep reminding you what your goals are and why you wanted to get sober in the first place. I realize now that ,that can't stop just because you are home. So now I will continue where they left off. I am not doing this to control you Im doing this because I love you!! He had no reply and I left it at that. hoping everyday will get a little bit easier for him and me.
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1530493_tn?1410060236
Hi...

Its good to see you here, you've been in my thoughts.
One more day to get through, tomorrow you'll find a sense of peace again.

How long is the plan for the sobriety house ?

We shouldn't have to "babysit" our adult children, but in this situation...right now, that's exactly what you'll need to do... its very important.  

Would have been ideal for him to be released right to the sobriety home...sometimes I just don't get the reasoning behind how things are done.
Keep him close, and beware, they tend to learn many tricks and "codes" that we miss.
You did the right thing, by chasing off the "friends"
Its Your home Your property Your son.  You have every right to chase them off, Id have done the same.  
In fact I have many times, I also took my sons phone and intercepted all contacts.  
I was my sons shadow when we went a few days from a detox to a rehab.  
Your son is SO vulnerable right now.  
Those "friends" are the last people he needs to see or communicate with in any way, you clearly know that, he doesn't get it yet.
He's going to need to learn how to cut the cord with them.

YOU are in control now of his every move, until tomorrow, do not in any way let him make you feel guilty, for not letting him do something or talk to someone.
Chances are most of his contacts are not the people that should be in his life right now.

What a STRONG woman you've become...don't you lose your focus
Your comment, while I know it was hard to say "if you don't like it get in the car and leave with them"...well you know where it went...He HEARD you.

Great Job Mom...keep doing what your doing, let him do the rest !!

Keep me update and HUGS to you :)
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Avatar_f_tn
Wow! After reading I am not alone! My life with my daughter for years have been so horrible. There are too many bad situations to even go into! I can't get her help and place after place turns us away! Her friend died two weeks ago of an over dose and her boyfriend had to be revived a month ago. If she would of been to frightened to take him to the hospitial, because of a fear of arrest he would have died. We'll he is in jail now and her life has become far worse instead of better. She does anything and everything to get what she needs for this addiction! I don't understand why instead of choosing a happy life and me who she claims to love more than anything in the world, that she would steal, lie and break my heart everytime! I am going loose my baby and I think I might not be able to climb out of this hole I am in.
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1530493_tn?1410060236
Awww honey.  
First of all, I want to tell you she does love you as much as she claims, she isn't doing this "to" you.  
Its the drug doing it to her.
They find themselves in a spot that they don't know how to get out of, its a vicious circle.
Im assuming heroin ?
Your not alone....
Were here to help in any way we can.
Sometimes just writing it out can ease your pain some.
All of us here are/ were in the same spot as you...we understand.

Has she expressed the desire to get clean ?
Until she has...all you can do is learn how to put you first, and try to distance yourself.
You need to take care of you...she will pull you low.

I found myself in the same situation as far as finding help, seemed to be near non existent, unless court ordered.  My son was court ordered many times also jailed many times, while he stayed clean when he was forced to, it only lasted until he was free.
He had to be ready to let it go, he was a severe IV heroin addict...It took my son to hit his lowest low, to even begin to think about changing his life, but he did.

There is ALWAYS hope, she needs to find her reason, you cant find it for her.
It IS doable

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Avatar_m_tn
My daughter graduated high school and left Alaska and headed for Flagstaff for college.  She was only there a short time when she couldn't handle the workload.  She then switched to beauty school.  Things were perfect for about 5 months. We just got a call from her that her boyfriend was becoming violent and she needs to come home.  We suspected she was doing drugs as we could see her trying to stay awake while we face timed with her. My wife flew to Flagstaff only to find that it was a lie.  Her boyfriend was not the problem. She was doing Heroin and crack and had nearly overdosed.  She was with some people using and found herself 2 days later in her own apartment (not where she was using) with needles around her and no one there.  They had brought her there and left her...it scared her. Once my wife arrived at her place, she had changed her mind about coming home. She did not want to leave Flagstaff.  I wanted her to get away from the people that were doing this with her.  I told her that she could stay but that I will not be funding any of it.  I will not help her unless she came home.  She was very angry but did eventually (2 days later) agree and her mom brought her home. She recovered from the agonizing painful detox and has now not used for 2 weeks as far as we can tell. She is incredibly angry and is insisting that we "send" her home to Flagstaff because that is the only place she can be happy.  I've told her that I cannot and will not buy her a ticket back there. We have discussed her going to rehab but she will have no part of it.  She insists that she can do this on her own.  She says that waking up like she did was enough that she "never" wants to go back to that.  I've tried to show her all of the things that I've learned about this addiction and that it WILL take extra help to beat it!  She is insistent that she can do it alone.  She now has a goal to get a job so that sshe can earn the money for a ticket back there.  She has asked her boyfriend for the money but he wont give it to her.  He is not using nor ever has and supports what we are trying to do.
So now the questions.  She says that she was doing crack for a couple of months and only doing heroin for a week. I know this is not true because in the throws of pain of detox she said that she has been doing crack for a long time and heroin for a few months.  That would make more sense with the symptoms we saw.  She said she was using 3 or 4 times a day.  Is there any chance she can beat this on her own?  Does the short amount of time she was doing it help her at all? I'm struggling with the fact that it may come down to me making her leave my house and possibly never hearing from her again or worse. I can hardly breath from the stress of it all.  My worst fear is that she disappears into the streets some where. She is a beautiful, naive girl who grew up in very small Alaska town.  She has no street sense.  I have read MANY posts on here and am so grateful for those of you telling your stories.  I have never dealt with this or known anyone who has...I did not know where to turn.  Losing my baby girl is a thought that causes me to bawl my eyes out in the shower every morning.  Thanks for letting me share.
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Avatar_m_tn
I forgot to add that she is 19 and began using by snoting theen smoking and finally injecting.  According to her she only injected a couple of times.
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1530493_tn?1410060236
You made me cry...I know your story OH so well.

I will offer you my support, my opinions and my experience.

Your heart and your gut feelings will fight each other...right now...Im going to ask you to follow your gut instincts.
I know how much you love your daughter, your going to need to learn how to love her in a different way until shes ready to let go.
Nothing about this will be easy to hear, Its just as hard for me to tell you.  Without honesty, there is no help
Shes playing with the devil...heroin and crack have opposite effects on her body.  Im not sure if the length of use has much of an overall effect as to her being able to let it go any eaiser.  
My son also IV heroin his main DOC, but would shoot up any thing... told me, it only took a few times of using heroin before it owned him.  
It has no mercy.
Before we go any farther, I need you to know...my son IS clean near 2 years...there is hope, and more than many know.  

Find as much support for you, your family as you can and do this together as a family...many told me meetings,  I did it with one person that I attached too.  
A lot of times we cant give answers, but we can be there.  Writing it, getting it out to others that understand I believe helps to heal you.  

I could write so much, but we'll go slow, if questions come to mind ...please ask.

To answer what you've asked, now this is my experience...can she come off alone ??  I heard it many times from my son "ive got this"  he couldn't and in the end, he needed suboxone to help.  
There are several approaches to maintenance.  Suboxone seemed to be what worked for him.  But she needs to be ready to except the help.
It is one drug replacing another also told its harder to withdraw from.  
The way I look at it...I would rather have him on subs for life than he going back to his old ways.
He tried suboxone several times, the only time it worked was when he hit his lowest low, and was ready to surrender.

As much as we want to do this for them...we just cant, its a journey only they can take.

My son Watched friends OD...die...it wasn't enough to make him stop.  Kind of gives you an Idea.
Shes detoxed and very vulnerable now.
Your doing the right thing by not sending her back to Flagstaff, but you cant watch her 24/7.

The main things you need to learn and will be forced to learn.
Is fully support her recovery if she so chooses, if she doesn't, you need to be able to distance yourself from her, I know the thought is heartbreaking, you will hear "we can and will love them to death" those are straight honest words.  She needs to know you will NOT support her addict in ANY way.
Enable...goes hand in hand with the above.  I had a hard time understanding enable, until the end.  Enable in our situation was just the presents of my life in his.  He still had a bit of a cushion...me, he knew or I should say thought I would never give up on him.
I didn't...I just became to numb to watch what he was doing to himself.
I tried everything...all I had left was to let him go.

When my attitude changed toward his addiction, so did his.

I feel your pain in your words...I cant imagine how much harder it has to be with a daughter.

This is so hard to say to you...
My sons comfort zone was his home, as long as he had that he addiction only intensified.

Im here for you as many others will be too
Saying a Prayer for you and your daughter
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Avatar_f_tn
I would also like to say I am truly sorry you are facing this as well. I like to come on here and post my thoughts and what I am going through it truly helps me . I also like to update Deb179 as she has been a great support for me. I have a 19 yr old son who is an addict and like your daughter he is in the beginning stages of recovery. twice before my son had gone to a detox and when he came home he would say to me mom all I needed was to get it out of my system he would go on to say I don't like heroin I don't ever want to go back I just needed to get it out of my system so I don't crave it now that I have I am good I never want to see the stuff again. Twice I fell for that.. I wanted to believe...well I did believe I should say that my sons addiction wasn't as bad as everyone elses that this is just a young kid who made a bad choice and we are going to move on and put this all behind. Boy was I in Denial !!! It wasn't until I found this post that I realized it was as bad as it gets. my son just recently came home from a 40 day stay at a rehab. This time he has chose to go to a Sober house and get extra help. He has been there now for a week they have to do a mandatory 2 meetings a week and have 3 drug tests a week and have 3 weeks to get a job or they get kicked out they also have a curfew. My son told me he needs to continue to live somewhere that he is held accountable to someone other than his father and I as we have a great history of wanting to believe his lies and have enable him in the past even when we didn't know we were. As parents we love our children so much that we want to believe they are being upfront with us, but that is not the case and even when we know this sometimes we can still fall back into a pattern without even realizing.  I do think your daughter would definatly benefit from meetings . But as Deb said they need to want this we cant force it or it wont work. Wouldn't it be great if it could be that easy!!! I am still a nervous wreck he will relapse I even called the sober house and asked if they could let me know if at any time he failed to do any of his requirments as well as fail any test. they told me because he is under 21 they could. My biggest concern with him not living here is that I will be snowballed into believing he is doing great and the whole time being lied to. So far so good But I don't ever give him money when he asks and I am always cautious who he is with my guard still is way up. how ever he does have a lot more freedom now then when he was here and I let go a little more each day to try myself to learn to live without being his keeper and for him to live on the outside world and make his own choices and hopefully good ones. Good luck with your daughter stay tough and stick to your words she is not going to be happy but you are doing the right thing. The stronger you become the better her chances are.
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1530493_tn?1410060236
Hey mom ...GOOD to see you !!!
I have to say, you've crossed my mind thousands of times since I last heard from you.
Thank You for keeping me updated, I want to know when he reaches his first clean year...OK :)
Every post I read from you...only continues my proud smile
I know your still on guard, you have every right to be BUT being on the outside looking in, you ALL have ALOT to be proud of !!!
You...yourself are in a COMPLETELY different frame of mind with his addiction...hmmm and now... so IS he :)
Don't let that change...

You have a smart young man there, as well as a smart mama to back him.
It sounds like hes getting it !!!!
Many stories of success ...think you may be on your way to one.
Near 2 months clean is a tremendous accomplishment...and mom...its  coming from him !!!
I think he wants this ;)
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Hi Deb179, as too your comment  I seem like I am in  a completely different frame of mind. You are so correct!!! I remember the desperation and heartache I was feeling when I first logged on here. How I could not stop coming back and reading and just feeling so hopeless. I now even though still a little skeptical am so filled with HOPE, STRENTH and such a better outlook on the future!!! He started his first day back at work today as well. I picked him up and drove him in today and I could see that sense of pride back on his face. Made my whole day. Yesterday I had me 18 month old grandson (his son) he was sitting on the floor playing toys I was just sitting back watching and getting such joy out of his excitement when he realized the peg he had fit in the circle board and of course I was thinking how very smart he is lol and then I was struck with such a memory that my eyes just started filling with tears. Right there at that moment I could remember my son playing on this same floor and feeling those same feelings so many years before. I couldn't help but think what happened where did it all turn, this beautiful innocent child who is surrounded by love and nurture and has his whole future ahead of him to be and do anything he dreams. As with my son I only see good things for his future. I wish there was some Magic spell I could cast that would make it so he and my son will never have to go through this.( We can dream cant we)...I hope some time in the future when my son has found his answers he will fill me in.
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1530493_tn?1410060236
Awww...the emotions
EVERY bit of it is ok, you cry for a different reason now... its part of our healing.
I still feel what you describe, it'll never change, they're our babies.
Its a very heart wrenching feeling to think of where the innocence was lost.
A cruel world out there, I guess...we just need to believe and have faith, and KNOW it wasn't our fault.
AND Yes...We can ALWAYS dream !!  
Positive thoughts, bring positive to life :)

I'm not sure your son will ever be able to fill you in as to why it happened.  
My son doesn't have a clue, the only thing that truly matters, is the why they get clean and want to stay that way.  
Don't worry about tomorrow, for now stay in your moment, its your turn to feel peace.
Your son is excepting, not at all resisting.  
He did this totally for him, he was not forced...so much positive going on.

Your desperation and heartache when you first logged in, I remember.  You didn't give up, you didn't turn away...you forced yourself to continue to return as painful as it was, you took advice and used that advice to the fullest.  
It took me a year, to go where you went in a month.  
Not many can do what you did,  you put full trust in strangers.
So the next time you look at your son and see his pride, I hope you feel it for you too.  
You did an AMAZING job !!!

We will always need to face the fact that our boys are recovering addicts, with the possibility of relapse, but with time it becomes less of a fear.  
Still to this day I once in awhile start to think of the what ifs...well...what if I push that thought right out of my mind.  
I know what my first action will be if that happens, and so do you

Stay close ...k...Hugs to you !!
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Avatar_f_tn
Well I haven't been on here in a while, things have been very busy. My son is doing well he has his good days and bad days but boy is he giving it one hell of a fight!! I am super proud of him!!! He started a facebook group called HEROIN RECOVERY GROUP OF MASS with the help of a great person here in town that is a big Pay it Forward person who has done great things here as well as across the country. this page is will have inspirational quotes and videos and will be a forum for all addicts in recovery to talk with one another help each other out with their daily struggles as well as share what works for them. Please have a look and share with anyone you think might benefit and for anyone who would like to send encouraging thoughts or quotes or videos of their own that they think will help please don't be fooled by the word Mass in the name this page is public to anyone anywhere.  I cant thank this post enough for how it has changed me I am Humbled by the fact that my son just might create something just as special ' Pay It Forward' has become my new favorite saying.
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1530493_tn?1410060236
Hi there !!!

Im so happy for and proud of you both.  
I joined the FB group...what a way to Pay it Forward !!!

Only YOU changed you mom, with a little help from your friends, what you did was not easy...BUT .... :)
What a GREAT job,  praying for continued success for you all.
When you get a chance will you PM your sons name to me...I think I have an Idea of who he is, but want to make sure.
Time for you to rest now !!!

LOTS of hugs too You
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so glad you joined!! I was told when my son left the rehab in Florida that not all but most will relapse  and that it would be benifical to have a plan for when that happens it will make all the difference in one day of of weakness and getting right back on track too falling back into daily use again. My friend here in town was my back up plan. after 60 days of being clean my son relapsed. We sat on the phone and had a good cry together the next day I immediately brought my son to him and he helped him form this page and for the first time ever he decided to rid himself of all the shame and embarrassment he felt for himself and put himself out there for the whole world to see. That was the biggest step he has ever taken. I haven't stopped smiling for 2 days. I will pm his Name and again I cant thank you enough!!!
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1530493_tn?1410060236
Each relapse is one step closer !!
My son did it too...its ok
Hes making GREAT progress and setting himself FREE :)
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Avatar_f_tn
this is the first time i've found this chat room and i am a mother of a heroin  addict.He is 31 and been in and out of rehab many times. I just found out he has relapsed again when i went  online to pay my bills and found my stolen checks.He now has a 16month old daughter and my concern is for her.The    mother denies she is using but from past experience she is the best liar I've ever met! This has taken such a toll on my husband and I .We have never been involved with DCYF until my son met this girl.She had a son from a previous marriage  who was taken away.I don't think he will ever be straight unless this relationship ends.I guess I have to try to take my granddaughter so she will be safe.When the baby was two months old the DCYF took her away because the mother test positive for drugs and that was the worst day of my life.The mother went into a program with the baby for six months and graduated and came to live with us.Everything was fine at first but went down hill.She won't clean,cook or anything but watch tv and on facebook.My son was clean for at least eight months or more and very happy with his daughter.He truly loves her but I think the mother drives him crazy.I guess we must put my son and her out or the baby can't come with us.Is that how it works?I'm so confused.I love my son so much.He was so happy growing up.Always played sports.Then he was in a rock band and i guess that's when everything started.I also have a daughter who never would try drugs.My son was the funny guy everyone loved.Not anymore.My daughter is also losing her mind because she loves her niece and is worried about her.I know a lot is our fault for enabling them so I will not anymore.It's hard though.Any advice would be welcome.
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1530493_tn?1410060236
Hi

Im so glad you found your way here.
I know the deep desperation and despair you feel.
Stick with us, let us help you....

The baby...makes a big difference.
First of all...I want you to know there IS hope, hold on to that.  
My son was a severe IV heroin addict.
Hes into his 2nd clean year, it can and does happen more often than we know.
I wish I had easy answers and a quick fix for you, unfortunately...its a long road.
My top priority at this point would be the baby and her safety.  
I would first check into the legal issues of guardianship if need be.  
While I'll never believe a family should be separated...her safety is first.
I know how heartbroken you are...our addicts seem to have the biggest hearts, may be the connection to addiction.

In my experience...I needed to make my sons addiction his own, by walking out of his life.  
They say not to enable, I didn't fully understand enabling, until the very end.  
Heroin owns quickly...
Many need added support to allow the changed brain chemistry to recover, reason for so many relapses, in my opinion.
But they need to be ready to let that happen, we cant help them get clean only they can do that
Most heroin addicts need to fall hard, to get back up.
In your sons defense...he had 8 months clean.  I feel, each relapse with significant clean time between is one step closer.
Many relapse several/many times before they are ready.

I know this will be painful...but read some of our stories on this thread...youll see where your life fits.  
There are several success stories here too, it helps to know , your not alone and your child can recover.  

I believe the best way to help our addicts, is to change our attitudes first, let them be totally responsible for their actions.  
Im sure you feel the numbness, that many of us do...it will help YOU to move forward, hopefully he will follow in your footsteps.
There is so much that can be written...if you have questions, please continue to ask...well help you in any way we can

Here for you
Deb
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Avatar_m_tn
I am a desperate mother of a28 year old son. He has been on heroine for a year and half and is killing me. He went to rehab for 4 months mandated trough the courts and relapse right after he got out. Know he got in trouble again and the judge cut him a deal, 18 months probation an 4 months of outpatient. he is still using while in the program. I need to let him go but I haven't been able. I take him to work and staying with him at a relatives house  because my husband put a restraining order on him. I am loosing my family because of him. Pls need some support. I want to tell him I can't do this anymore. He will go yo prison for 3 years if he doesn't  follow the court orders.





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1530493_tn?1410060236
Awww Sweetie, I know your pain.
Addiction does destroy families...many.
We should Never have to choose between the people we love, in this case...work with your husband.  Keep him close and do it as a team, no one loves your son, like you and his dad do,
Dad wants the same out come as you, most men have a different way of handling it, they can be tougher, let him teach you how, as that's what needs to be done.  
The toughest of Love right now.
The ONLY enemy here is heroin, your son is not the son you know right now.
We cant protect them, do for them or try to fix them, by doing that we only allow their addiction to intensify.  We enable them.  
Your goal is to make HIM totally responsible for his actions and addiction. He needs to fall hard honey, and you need to let him do that.
He was forced into rehab, it didn't change a thing.  I know we have high hopes, but unless they are ready to let it go...it just wont happen.
If we cushion their fall...we only prolong their use.
You cant change him...you have to work on changing you.  
I know it goes against all we feel as mamas, but you need to learn a new way to love your son.  
As for prison ...my son also faced 7 years.  He did many county sentences from weeks to months.  Each time released, he went right back to using.  It wasn't enough to scare him.  I picked up his pieces each time, because "I" didn't want him to go to prison...BIG MISTAKE, I only allowed him to become a severe addict, hanging by a thread.
After many od's, many suicide attempts...I had nothing left to hang on too.
I had to let him go, I knew I couldn't be the one to find him dead.
Unknowingly, after trying EVERY thing in my power to "save" him, letting him go, was what allowed him to save his life.
He is now 2 years in recovery...we went to the deepest pits of hell, but only he could pull himself out.
I guess what Im trying to say, is give this your toughest fight now, before you are forced to let go.
There are many stories here, all so painful.  If you read them, you will see where your life fits.  
Its the same painful story...
There are also stories of success, several of us have recovering heroin addicts, each one of us HAD to put them in Gods hands first.
I know my words hurt, but I don't want you to walk the road so many of us were forced to walk.
I doesn't get easier, while you hold his hand.
Im sending you a friend request, please message me when you need to, I promise I will keep you facing forward
This can be done,,,
NEVER believe differently....
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Avatar_m_tn
I don't even no where to start.  Today I prayed to God to guide me and show me the way. My son went with his cousin for the weekend to Glamis and he borrowed his cousin truck, got cut with a suspended license and some junk. Ohhh he violated his probation. I will not bailed him out. I told him that it was the last chance with me. This situation has gotten worst I have been going crazy for a while.  I just pray to God that he is safe in there and that he realizes all the damage this drug has done to and family. I don't know the outcome of all this. I just want to put him in Gods will. I love him very much but I am so depress right know.
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1530493_tn?1410060236
I know how this hurts...
Do NOT bail him.
Each time we bail, we put them back out there to dig their hole a little deeper, your seeing that.  
Right now he IS safer where he is, try to let your mind rest, take your thoughts any where but on your son and his what ifs.

My sons final jail time, I cut ALL communication, this way he couldn't guilt me, I honestly felt a sense of peace
No visits, no phone calls, no bail,  no money....nothing.  
This was after he od's at my kitchen table with a slit wrist, went to a  mental hospital for a few weeks then to jail for a few months.  
My mind said I should see him, but my heart was so numb that I just couldn't look at him.  
HE was MAD and HURT, that I wouldn't do for or be there for HIM any more, he felt I let him go...but you know what, for the first time in his addiction ... I was MAD for all the hurt he allowed to happen to us, and He letting us go.
How SELFISH !!!
I turned the table...My attitude changed... I finally let the blame fall where it belonged, on him.
At that point...I made his addiction his own problem, I couldn't change him, he ruined his life my life and everyone that loved him.  
Do you see the role we play ?
When we let them do this to "us", nothing will change, they're too comfortable.
When they are left alone to do it to them...it seems to be the wake up call many of them need.
Words said here and words to follow..."support ONLY his recovery...not his addiction ".  Unless they are actively seeking recovery, we need to back away.
When he is truly ready to let heroin go...you wont second guess him.  
Even though we want them to get clean, its us that hold the high hopes.

Hes in a safe spot...let him use this time to figure out how HE will now get out of this mess.  It will give him some time away from heroin and time to think if this is how he wants to spend his life.
Toughest of love, right now...he will thank you in the end
Be strong honey...here for you !!!
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Ahhhhh!! It hurts to much. My son just called me he has been released from jail. He didn't ask me to pick him up, which is about 100 miles from here. He did said that he was on a T-shirt and shorts and is very cold. No money, no phone. I don't know what to do. My husband is pretty upset about me thinking on going to pick him up and take him to my sisters. He has work tomorrow and drug class on wednesday.  Please what do I do? I need your advise. I don't want him to loose his job but it seems that everything has to go for him to hit bottom. He has no home or car. Please God give me the strengh.
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Im so sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner.
Hang in there...I know how this hurts, stay with us...even if its only to write your feelings...it helps, we understand.
Your son is walking that fine line right now...  
I know where your mind and heart are, all in the right places but he needs that little push away from you... just for now...he will never stop loving you..  
Let him be responsible for him, his actions, his addiction.  What he has or doesn't have, what he looses and what he wants to keep
You cant change any of that...only he can.
They need to know life without us picking up their pieces
Its going to be hard, but focus only on the out come you seek...let him come back to you when hes ready to get clean.
Use your husbands strength to help you.  
You need to back away for your own emotional stability.
You cant help him...if you let him make you sick, they pull us deep.
Thank care of you...let him follow your lead in that way right now

Here for you and a prayer sent to you all, you can do this
Tough love mom
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My son is a recovering heroin addict. I picked him at the hospital in 2009 after a near death overdose. I dropped him off at a $12,000  rehab center 3 days later. He stuck with the program for 2 years then thought he was ready to start using pot and alcohol again. Finally he got the message and started seeing a psychologist 2 weeks ago who told him to stop using. He then decides to jump from the roof resulting in a broken hand. I didn't understand at fist why he seemed excited until the doctor prescribed him Norco obviously not being informed he was treating a heroin addict.He took them before any one knew and now looks like the junky I dropped at the rehab. My son is 35, how can I let the doctors in his group know of his drug abusive past? A SCREENING SHOULD BE DONE BEFORE PRESCRIBING ANY OPIOIDS TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE NOT GOING TO AN ADDICT!!! I need help, he is delusional and will not listen to reason and I fear for my grandson.
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I SO HATE drugs, so very sorry after 2 years you find yourself back to the beginning, this is so heartbreaking.  

Because of your sons age and his right to privacy,  its basically out of your hands, hes an adult.  BUT.. if it was my son...Id be making some calls to the doctors in the group.  Id be that annoying parent, until someone heard me...hes still your baby, regardless of his age.  

Unfortunately, your son allowed it to happen though...the responsibly to use or not was totally in his hands.
Is it possible to reason with him ?
We know if they choose that path, it doesn't matter what we say, think or do.
He has to want to fight to be and stay sober, you cant make him do that.
I think I would put my concern in your grand son right now.  
Make sure hes safe, maybe if dad faces the possibility of losing his son, he'll think twice.

Good Luck...were here for you
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Here I am one more time. It has been crazy, my son got out of jail. He was there only for two days and let go. I don't understand the system he had possession but not under the influence. He has to stay clean otherwise he is going to be in violation of the courts. He use this past week off and on tapering down the junk,  and started his plan on Friday. Today we are sitting here and he is going trough withdraws and just praying that he survives this. He goes back to work on Tuesday and Wednesday meets with his counselor. We went to an alanon meeting and shared his story. He said he is ready. I just hope that he is not doing it for the program that he is in. Only time will tell.
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Deb179,
I have read all of the posts in this thread over the past several months and I want you to know how I hold on to your story of surviving the storm and your sage advice to all of us who are so broken and in so much pain from living with our addicted adult children. My story is the same as all of the others. I am guilty of enabling my 32 year old son for way too long in too many ways to count...as we all know, I have been loving him to death while trying to follow your counsel to stop enabling and separate with love.  My heart has struggled for months to do what I knew I needed to do but I just couldn't bring myself to tell him to leave and make it stick.
I tried so hard to bring my situation to closure earlier in the fall because I didn't even want to think of throwing my son out of the house 3 weeks before Christmas. I kept trying every way I could to get him to take the suboxone faithfully but it just didn't take.  I tried to get him to understand that counseling could give him insight into his pain and he wouldn't go. I tried it all including bribery. Desperation takes us to places we should never have to go to as a parent. I just couldn't give up on him. How could I give up on the one thing that I love the most in this world? It became a daily dance of dysfunction, pain and sadness.
Yesterday I just snapped. My son called in sick because he didn't want to get up and go to work. He only works three days a week and he wouldn't get up. That one event crystalized in my mind how bad things have gotten and how low he has fallen.
I got to the place you have talked about. I am just numb. I am done.  I can't live with this bs any longer. I don't care who he is and how much I loved him. He can't do this anymore on my watch.  
I told him he had 30 minutes to pack his stuff and leave. I have threatened many times before but this time he knew I was in a different place.
He knew I meant it and he didn't quite know how to respond. I stood my ground and gave him trash bags to start packing. He didn't want to talk to me or look at me. I was OK with that because I am so over the talking.
Before he left, I told him I needed to speak with him in his car. I told him that earlier in the day I was scrolling through our texts and I realized how angry I had become and how desperate I sounded...so scared and hurt with each text. I realized that every day for the past year has been punctuated by texts of me begging and pleading for him to come home or find a job....on and on and on.  I told him we were toxic to each other now and I can't have him in my home in active addiction. I told him I will move mountains for him when he is ready to go to rehab but not to call and ask for anything unless he is ready to move on and get into a serious program.
I hugged him and watched him drive off. So sad.
I have to trust that what everyone says is true: Let them go they say. It sounds so simple and yet it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I expected to feel relief that I won't have to spend my days now trying to manage his behavior.  I will have the peace and quiet I deserve.
But the sadness is so heavy on me. I have to turn him over to something else and pray that he will be safe and can realize sooner rather than later that he wants out of this crazy rat hole.
Finally, I want to say that this site has been such a comfort to me and such a guiding light to help me learn how to stop being the enabler who just keeps the craziness going even longer.  I guess part of my deep sadness is the fact that I have not been able to get him to agree to go to rehab. I feel like I failed him in this regard and I worry about what I could have done differently to get a different outcome.
I know he is a full grown adult and I can't fix it but I can't get past the feeling that I failed him.
Thank you so much for your ongoing guidance to us all.
  
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Stay with us ok, I watch for you daily, your not alone.
First of all...YES..."the system" does fail all of us.  
Addiction is much more intense, than jail threats.
There just isn't the available help that is needed, I feel locking them up does nothing to get to the root of the problem.
I see positive in your last post, the fact that he did a meeting, trying to taper, is a definite plus.  Forced or not...hes excepting there is a problem.  Their first step is facing their denial.
As for the mom side...take baby steps, try to keep yourself level, emotionally detach as much as possible right now.  
Be there to support his recovery, but also be prepared that this might not be the time.  
A lot of our emotional roller coaster...is we let ourselves get so high on the thought that this is it, if by chance it isn't...we crash hard.  
Since this is going through the courts, does he have the option of trying suboxone, or something to help him maintain ?

Heroin owns the mind quickly, it changes the brain chemistry, reason I believe it is soooo  hard for our kids to get away from it.
They think differently, suboxone helps to level out their mind....makes them feel more normal as they work on their recovery.
While I know our main goal is complete sobriety, many of our heroin addicts need extra help to get there.
The only other way I believe its possible is LONG term inpatient, more than a few months, learning to heal, mind body and soul.

your son needs to be accountable to someone, if he goes through a sub doc, being in the situation he is in ( jail time)  it just might be the added help he needs to jump this hurdle.
Hes at the make it or break it point, the out come is in his hands.  
As hard as all of this has been on you.. arrests, jail, courts...he actually has an advantage, over many.  
He was caught.
This is how my son did it...his final attempt before getting clean.  
He was very much in the same spot as yours, only I was First forced to put him out of my life.
Most Important and the only way it will work is they NEED to want it to work.
At my sons last court date, he explained to the judge, he was ready and WANTED to be clean, but couldn't find the way.  
He excepted drug court ( were in NY ) and asked to be treated by a suboxone doctor.  Court allowed that along with random drug tests, out patient rehab, meetings and self help groups. As long as he had no dirty results,  he was allowed to go at his own pace.
He weaned down from the subs slowly, with his doctors guidance.. just enough to not put his mind back to a bad spot.  Out patient rehab and meetings he said did not do a thing for him, as it only made him "think" drugs.
The subs blocked his craving, so he was able to do what he had to do and got through it.  He still to this day goes to self help groups. From the
self help, he learned how to recognize triggers and how to avoid them.  
All our kids do it in different ways...what works for one might not work for the next.  When I KNEW he was serious about his recovery ( and you will )  I followed HIS lead.
Im sure you have read strongerones post, feel her words, as painful as they are, most of us are forced into her spot.
Tough love, your son is facing a turning point, help push him into that turn...do not cushion his use.
We can all do this together...it CAN be done

Hugs and Prayers...sent your way
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Your post went to the pit of my heart and soul, it is a pain that is never forgotten, I feel everyone of your words.
I wish I could write words to comfort you, I know there are few right now. What Id like to do is offer my friendship and support, you need to work on you right now.  
Many say meetings, church, counseling...any where you can find support. while I never went that direction, only because I didn't trust myself driving my car at the time.
I found something that worked for me, it may sound weird, but I separated my life.
I found NO ONE in my everyday life that could help.  
My other children were too emotionally attached, it hurt them as much as I to talk about it.  
My friends, while I know they meant well and tried their best, they would hear me yet be able to walk away back to their happy family while I was left standing holding the broken pieces of my heart still in my hands.  
This is a life that unless you live it, it can never be understood...so how could my friends help?  
I felt and was VERY alone.
I found 2 soul mates here...I say that because they are people that I would never have had the opportunity to built such a strong bond with, in my every day life.
What I did, was force myself in my everyday life to get back to life the best way I knew how...that was to do any thing and everything in my power not to let thoughts of my son in my mind, and not discuss him with any one.  When I needed the shoulder, which was daily in the beginning...I came to my soul mates, while many times we didn't talk about our kids...it was just the fact of finding GREAT comfort in them, because they knew EXACTLY where my life was.  Over time, my 2 worlds blended and I was able to function.

The addiction story, it is the same.
I know there is no description for your pain right now.
You did the only thing that was left to do, no guilt...you gave your all.  This is the fall he needs
I know you feel like your playing Russian roulette with his life, but know his game was more deadly under your watch.
Nearly all of the success stories, came from putting our kids alone with their addiction.  When they find themselves in life alone, with only one Love...their drug, MANY figure it out.
You've reached the lowest low in the parents role.
While it is the hardest point to reach..."numb" will help you survive.

Time makes it bearable...

Here for you, sending healing prayers for your son and prayers of peace to you

Please hold in your heart these few words...
"NEVER... give up hope...it happens when we least expect it"
Warm Hugs To YOU
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Deb,
Thank you so much for your support. I woke up this morning (west coast) to a gray sky and before I could lift my head off the pillow, I started crying.
My head knows this was long overdue but my heart is in so much pain and sadness.
My earlier posts told my story of my son. College graduate, sweet, kind and loving. He started Oxy in college and came home 2 and a half years ago when he lost his job and broke up with his girlfriend. We knew when he came home that he needed to address his addiction and we have given him every ounce of love and support imaginable. He stayed clean for about 6 months until he met a new crowd up here.  I am sure you know when I say I tried it all....that I tried it all....I left no stone unturned.
He just hasn't been ready. He still isn't. I think he mostly went through the motions to appease us and to keep the security of a wonderful home and all the benefits of this environment. I look back and realize that I should have called the end of the game at least a year ago but as someone on this site said to me months ago, it takes as long as it takes to get to this hellish place where we can stare them down and tell them to leave. I couldn't make it stick before.
I just know that he was getter deeper in on my obsessive watch and what I had wasted so much time trying to do hadn't done a damn thing to make the situation better. It just made it easier for him to use.
You have lived my life right down to the fact that there is so much shame and isolation because no one in my family or circle of friends would ever understand how this could have happened. And, like you, I find that I have to keep the two things separate right now because otherwise I would have to live this pain all day every day with my well meaning friends asking if they can help or what is going on, etc.  
There is nothing anyone can do right now. My son holds all the cards.
I have read your words and counsel and I know absolutely that your compass is true and correct. I know, through you and others on this site, what my role is now. I just have to hold on and keep my head focused on the end game. I know for sure that I would not be able to see the light with all this darkness if not for your knowing support and the support of others on this site.
I don't expect to hear from my son for a while. He knows that he can't come back until he is ready to go to an inpatient program. I will not text him or call him.
Your support means the world to me.    
    
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Honey...yell, scream, cry...get it out.
Try not to think of who your son was, the drug has changed him, under it all hes still there, he needs to find himself.
Hes use to a comfortable life style...its gone, hes thinking.  
Don't expect anything from him right now, it seems to at this point turn into who will give in first...it CANT be you.
You told him what you will except...strongly stand your ground.
You did get to the spot where you could stare him down, its the hardest, most painful spot to reach.
If you give in to him now, you will set the stage for a deeper darker hole, and still end up where you are today over time.
We grieve for months, years over our loss, while they stand in front of us, we are emotionally beaten to the core.
We try to fix them to ease our pain, but we only hurt them more in the end.
In order to help him, you need to totally focus on yourself now, when hes ready, hes going to need you 100%.
Its a slow process, addiction to healing.  
You have hit your rock bottom.  
Each day has brought you more pain, than the previous.  Your now going to the opposite side, each day will bring more peace, slowly it will come.  You need to force yourself in the beginning, and please don't be afraid to ask for help.  Come here often, I for one check daily, if you need more than that we will find a way to communicate when you need to.
I changed my life...I avoided everything and anything that reminded me of my son.
I did a lot of driving, with LOUD music as I too isolated strongly, I only let a few people in.  Don't go places that will let you think.
I got out of my house...that was the most painful.
I spent a lot of time in "busy" places.
We too need to change people, places and things at least for awhile.
I forced myself to smile at strangers, eventually I felt it, you will too

Hang in there.. its tough love for a reason,  it couldn't be tougher, but in the end, you will hear Thank You

Here for You
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Deb,
It was a hard day but I got through it. Yes, I feel I am abandoning the sweet little boy who I adored. But he is a grown man now and I owe it to both of us to stay out of his way until he is ready. I expect he will call me in about a week but I won't answer the phone....I am not strong enough to speak with him and hold the line. I will text him back and repeat the requirements...he has to go to rehab. I know 100% that this is what our relationship must be now. I am not wavering and I won't give him anything. He is smart enough to figure it out. It breaks must heart and every time I go into his room, my heart aches. I will stay away from that area of the house because the sadness is overwhelming . I am doing what you recommended....stay busy and don't ruminate on the gravity of it all.  I will be a good student, I promise. I just keep telling myself this is the only way to give him the clarity he will need to move forward out of the woods. I pray he has the strength to fight for his life.
Your support means the world to me. Blessings
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Im so sorry for your pain, stay with us, several here are also struggling.
Gain strength from others that walk in your shoes, and who have been there.
Please understand, you are not abandoning your son, your giving him the chance he needs to get well, & come back to you.
You have a good mindset and know what you must do... I know it wasn't easy to reach...stand your ground.
I went back to some of your previous posts...you fear what we all fear, that we some how are putting them in harms way if we let them go, how can they get well without our love and support ?
It wasn't until I was forced to let go of my son, that I understood the full circle of the role I played.  
There is a big difference between our  love and support while they are in active addiction verses the love and support he will receive from you during his recovery.
During their active addiction, our love and support  fully enable them.

When you do respond to your sons call by text, tell him how much you love him and  that can never change.  
What has changed is you can no longer watch him destroy his life, until he is ready, you need to back away.  When he is ready, You WILL 100% support him with love.
You find yourself in the deepest spot right now, you will begin to heal, when you can let go.  
He needs to fall to stand again.
Keep your mind as far away from him as possible for the time being, youll need to force yourself in another direction for awhile, it will get a bit easier, by the day.
Its baby steps for us too.
Hang in there...stay strong
Were here for you
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Deb,
I just realized I must have given myself 2 screen names over the past years. I apologize for any confusion. I am going to delete one of them as we have enough issues without having to sort out screen names.

I am feeling stronger today. I took all of his baby photos off my table and put them in a drawer for now. It doesn't do me any good to see those precious happy days at this moment. Isn't it odd how we just can't ever get those precious children out of our heads when we are going through this crap?  

I so much appreciate your guidance on the message I must send him if he contacts me. I also needed to be reminded that love can be soft but it also needs to be strong....and if ever there was a time for me to be strong, it is now.

I was thinking this morning that as I am aching so badly with this, he is probably sleeping soundly on somebody's sofa and not missing me one bit. It made me feel less scared for him and I realized that my pain with the separation is so much greater than his.
My husband has always been really bad about telling everyone what they should do and shoving self help books in everyone's faces as if he has everything figured out. I have always resented this tactic and my response would be to make his unsolicited advice the last thing I would try just because he was so annoying. I realize that is probably how my son was finally reacting to me. My pleading, my attempts at loving counsel....he didn't ask for it and he didn't want it. I just became an annoyance that he had to put up with to keep the game going.
I also have to remember that he is a very bright, very charismatic grown man who is not in the depths of some third world country. He is in the SF Bay Area for heaven's sake! He has places to go for help if he wants it without me.
I hold on to the fact that your outcome has been so good. I think all of us who are on this thread hold on to that and use it to get through the days and nights. I actually printed one of your responses to someone and I keep it in my purse. I read it almost daily when I feel sad or scared. I want you to know just how much of an impact you have had on my life.
I can only pray that one day I can tell a similar story but for now,  the outcome is in my son's hands.
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aka finalturn ?:)
Its ok, I was a bit confused but went back an read those post too, so I have a better idea, just didn't totally connect :)
Im glad your feeling better, it will get easier...I promise.  
There will be those down times... just try to push those thoughts out of your head as soon as they enter.  
You can do this,  this is one of the most important things you will probably ever do for your son during his life time.
When you can wrap your mind around that in a more peaceful state... you'll feel relief.
Your feeling every emotion right now, soon you'll know why you had to do this, with out second guessing yourself.

Your son is thinking about you, don't ever doubt that, this is part of what he needs to feel.  They need to feel the pain too, until now it was only you.
Also don't for one second believe this will compromise his love for you, in the end you 2 will know a different kind of love, something much deeper.  
When our attitude changes towards their addiction, it seems to help change their attitude too.  
Some get it fast, others take their time, lets pray your son finds his way soon, until he does, you need to heal you.
As Ive said you have been emotionally beaten to the fullest, this has to be about you now.
The reason your going to get yourself emotionally strong, is because you need to know how to not let him pull you this low again, and he wont, you wont allow it.
I went every where you did....
My son will ALWAYS be an addict...Ive excepted that...hopefully for the rest of his life in recovery, but if he should decide to use again, I know what my first move will be without a doubt, and so does he.
When you can get yourself to that spot, you will have a different way of handling it if he should get clean and relapse.
Also try to prepare yourself now and I don't want to say if he gets clean, were going to think positive...so When he gets clean, that there will be a high possibility of relapse, some don't, but many do...its ok, they too need to learn a new way of life
It takes time...a lot of time, but when you see an honest attempt, with significant clean time, don't let a slip spiral you down.
You have to learn how to live your life, without his fear...ok :)
Your going to be ok...YOUR climbing out of that dark hole.
Im sticking with you at least until I hear about rehab, so hope you have the time to keep me posted :).
You keep writing, get that pain out, before long, you'll be helping others

Many Prayers for you and your son
Try to rest...you did the only thing
Deb
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Deb,
I am doing better today. I am going to spend 3 days with my daughter and her two babies until Sunday so I know I can stay busy and not linger on my pain.
I will update if I hear from my son but for now all is quiet. Your words are so important to me and this is another one I will print and read when I need to get my head reoriented from the pain of my helplessness in this situation.
I know absolutely that he can't come back until he has gone to rehab if for no other reason than I don't want to have to "redo" this experience again. As I move through each day now, I can see that very clearly.
It also helped me to go back and read my posts from all this year. When we are so close to it and so desperate and love them so much, we just can't get out of the force of the insanity. Looking back, I see that we were just replaying the same craziness every day for so long.
You are a blessing to me. I think I am good for the next few days.
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I like your post, it makes me smile...your getting there
When we can separate our emotions from reality...we get a different picture, huh ?  
The hardest thing to do, but it saves many lives.
You have a Great time with your daughter and the babies...its just what you need !!
Talk soon...Hugs sent your way !!
BTW...Im VERY PROUD of you, you will never go to that dark spot again, your learning a different way of life.
Hope you find many reasons to smile over the next few days :)
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my son is addicted to heroin and is now in his 4th rehab, second month very well know good place. I just got back from family week where things seemed hopeful.  he got to stay the night out with me since I had come a long way to participate.   he decided to spend that nightt in relapse, spending all night out, I can only thank God he drank and did not use heroin. I was devastated  as he seemed to be so sorry. His therapist called me that night and very boldly told me  he had told her I triggered him with a conversation (that never happened) and told her I use to sell him for drugs. Not quite clear on the facts, since there are none . I was completely heart broken and still saying over and over I cant believe he said that.  yesterday he managed to call me and let me know basically he had to save himself at any cost, mine of course, otherwise he was kicked out.  now they wont let me talk to him don't really want to.and im not supposed to talk to him without therapist. I don't want him kicked out and he certainly isn't doing the right thing, I don't even know what to do how to do it or who to trust  
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Deb,
I wanted to give a quick post as I am trying to get to Virginia tomorrow to spend time with my sisters for the week. I know I will be able to stay busy with them and even though my son's situation creeps in to my mind and heart several times a day, it does help to stay away from home where I know I am geographically so close to him.
I met him today at the bank's ATM to give him his paycheck which comes to our house. It isn't much money because he only works part time. When he lived with us, I would dole it out to him but I read in a post on this thread that it is his money, he earned it ,so I should just give it to him and let the chips fall where they may. Sort of hard to do but I agree with the rationale that we have to give up all control.
He looked thin and sad. I can see that the reality of the situation is starting to hit him. I only spent five minutes with him and I didn't replay my tapes about "rehab, etc". I did not offer him any extras like I would have done in the past such as a gas or prepaid card. I gave him a big hug and drove off. And I cried for his pain and for mine.
I won't give in, though. I am so clear now that the only way for him to get to the place where he wants a different life is to live this "dead end road" life until he realizes he has had enough.
When I feel my resolve weakening and I want to call him or offer him something, I make myself stop and wait ten minutes. During that time I reread this thread and remember all the things I did for him that just kept the insanity going and I know I have to stay the course.
I will update in a few days as it makes me sad to come here right now and recount my sadness.

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Thanks for the update...
I've thought of you many times.
I know how hard this is, try not to think of it any other way than letting him be a responsible adult, taking care of his own needs.
Your doing a good job...keep busy.
I totally understand how hard it is to come here, keep doing what your doing...stay strong, just update when your ok to do that.

Try to enjoy the time with your sisters...
In my thoughts and here when you need to talk
Deb
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Hi
My son use to tell some pretty tall tales too, not only to me, also about me and yes it was to make sure he was ok.  
It hurts, I know
Even though it wasn't right what he said, he kept himself IN rehab.
The fact that you cant talk to him without a therapist present, might not be a bad thing for you.  He clearly took advantage of the night he was suppose to spend with you...he made the mistake, you got the blame,  now when he can no longer leave with you, he has no one to blame but himself.
We have to try not too take too much personally, even thought he is in rehab and recovery, it will take time to heal the addicted mind.
Its hard to trust when the trust is shattered, that too heals with time.
Chin up...he "saved" himself at your expense at least it was for rehab & not to get high.
Good Luck ... I hope your son succeeds !!
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I'm still hanging in there. Doing ok.
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Thank you for the update on you !!
Think about each of you...
Hope you find some peace in your heart soon
Stay strong
Prayers sent your way....
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I just wanted to thank you  for your support and all the parents for sharing their experience.  I just hope that my son is not pretending to be clean for the past 8 days. We are staying with family, yesterday he went on a bike and was gone for about 6 hours. I had gone home for the weekend so I could not tell if he use or not. My family said that he looked fine, but it is so hard to trust him. I came back today and seems to be doing fine. Just trusting God that he guides me in the right direction, I tolld my son that if he uses I am stepping on side and he is on his own.  Please pray for us to have the strength and keep on going.
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It has been a while since I have been on here. Been working very hard with my son to help keep him sober. Things are going very well for him right now. He paid all his court fees, got his license and just got an offer for a wonderful job. He still has to work at this and will for sometime but he is getting there. Reading all these current stories and it is a reminder of how we are all in this together fighting to save our children everyday. Deb as always you are an angel . your words help so many!!! I hope the best for all of you and I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. There is hope, we need to know that. Tough love is  hard to learn and even harder to apply ,but it works. I was loving my son to death literally. changing how I loved him was the most difficult thing to do. But I can honestly say it's working.
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Your son has a reason to work hard on staying clean, hopefully he is.  
He has drug classes each week ?  Does he have to tox too ?
Honey you cant babysit him 24/7, youll drive yourself crazy.
You have set your expectations, just be ready to follow through if he crosses the line
You now have the right mind set.
Remember...Support ONLY his recovery not his addiction...heroin kills, don't let him be a statistic, with you holding his hand
Benefit of the doubt, with eyes WIDE open
Please keep us updated...we Care

In my Thoughts...
Prayers sent your way for you all
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Your posts continue to give me never ending smiles !!!
Your last post very touching, in SO many ways
Pay it Forward...
You sure are, and its only been my pleasure to be able to walk that road with you
Your an inspiration, as is your son...
Believe...
you never lost sight of that word
Your 5 words...words that I truly believe hold the answer we all desperately look for.
                             "Changing how you loved him"
As painful as it was...You Stood STRONG, as a result...today you can smile
What a job Mom, stay around...your words are needed here.
Together we all can do it !!!
Your son is going to change lives also, hes strong, Ive been following him...I can think of no better high
I still say...I wish I could have done it like you !!!
Hugs....
And only My Best to You BOTH !!!!!
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You're right I can't  watch him 24/7 and yes Is driving me crazy.  But I feel that it is taking me a long time to change things.
He is doing drug classes mandated by the court and all other cases that come with it. Next month he has to courts for the ticket he got at the end of the month, and as hard as I tried not to worry I still do.  What makes it harder is the work for the same company and almost lost his job. He was suspend ended for about a month. I just pray that this anxiety goes away and that he keeps strong. I don't think he could take subs. He has to test clean from any type of drug. Today he has been clean for 12 days and one day at a time
Thank for your support
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First thing I'd like to say is 12 days is a Big accomplishment !
Congrats to him !!
like I said eyes wide open...you have the right idea, but try to back away an not worry about his every move. It's only emotionally hurting you an causing you great anxiety and stress.
you cant stop him if he's going to use, it sounds like he is working hard at this so for now try to find some peace with that
His situation (facing prison) might just be enough for him to rethink his life.
He has the added benefit of being caught.
While to you...it's hard to see it that way now, as I know it's constant worry over the what ifs... if he does something wrong to violate.  
He has to be accountable for his actions to someone or something....in his case he has the courts.
while in my son's situation all the jail time didn't make him want to get clean I know this is not what you want to hear but I'd like to tell you my mistake...maybe it can help you do it differently.
my son when forced did what he had to do to get out of trouble... he didn't get clean because that was what he wanted to do, as a result he couldn't stay clean.  Now I'm not saying this is a bad thing because each time he was forced I do believe lead to his final decision of letting it go, and wanting a normal life.
each time he was released...I was so happy he was clean, I would do everything to help get him back into life, back on his feet.
What I didn't understand at the time was because he wasn't ready to stay clean... I only helped him right back to active addiction.
if I were to go back in time to where you are now...I would tell my son how proud I am of him for keeping himself clean an I fully support ( not financially,  makes it too easy for them) if he needs to talk...rides to meetings, being with him during court, etc .  
NO money put in his hands.
I then would make it perfectly clear that if he relapses you will not be there in any way to watch him destroy his life.  
You have that perfect opportunity right now to make that clear. Put his addiction in his hands now and stand firm and hard with that.
It takes most of us a very LONG time to change things, including myself...so much easier said than done, it's something that very few can make themselves do until they reach the point of no return.  I would like to help prevent you from going there.
rjrmom (above in this tread) is the only one I know that took the bull by the horns, before being forced to let go.
Within a month, she changed her way of thinking, she quit trying to fix her son and made him responsible for him.  
The lady was devastated when she came here yet she wasted no time.  
she changed the way she loved him... I love those words, it's the truth behind our kids addiction.
I know how heart broken she was when she pushed her son out of the nest, but today she has a clean son that is working hard at his recovery and helping others to try to find their way.
If I were faced with this situation again I would do it fast an hard, just like she did...I admire her will power and strength.
I would make it his problem right from the beginning
Hang in there sweetie...you...yourself are making progress. Try to push yourself a little bit each day in Changing the way you love him.
We're here for you and I believe rjrmom will be a great inspiration to you...she's newly on the other side.  I know she feels hope today, when there was very little of that in her life only a few short months ago.
Start with you ....
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Thinking of you ....
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I would like to say hello to you. I feel for you so deeply, you have come to the right place for the best support Deb was my Saving Grace and it means a lot to hear her speak so highly of me. When I first came to this sight I was completely at my end. I was beaten down and broken, I had let a lot of peoples thoughts including my friends and family who have never gone through this get in my head. they would say how I was fighting a loosing battle negative comments always. I remember my first night coming on here and reading these stories. I cried for days I remember thinking, what is making me feel like this and then it clicked I had fooled myself in believing that my story wasn't as bad as everyone elses my son's addiction wasn't as bad as people thought. he was going to work he wasn't stealing and so on. my story was just as bad. My son wasn't going to work to be responsible he was going to support his habit he wasn't paying bills with his pay. I was paying all his bills plus giving him a free roof over his head and food. He didn't have to make excuses for himself. I was doing it for him. I was literally loving my son to death!!! Once I realized this it took me days to figure out what to do next. It was then that I chose to change ( KEY WORD I ) I then came up with a plan. I am to get my life back. I need to change the way I love him! I need to let him know this and give him the opportunity of recovery or I am finally content with letting you go. My plan came in action when I knew I had to wait for him to be high. Unfortunatly its only then that the hospitals will take them in. Well he got high one night and I gave him the choice to go to the hospital or leave for good. I will no longer stand by and watch you kill yourself. Well he packed a bag and called a friend. I was devastated!! I gave him his Ins card and told him when I get a call From a counselor I will be right by your side . I will only take part in your life if it has to do with recovery. It was the one of the hardest nights of my life watching him leave. I just wanted to change my mind all I could think was he was going to get so high because he had nothing to loose that he would over dose. Those thoughts we have that's what are kids are hoping for. Those are the thoughts that let them continue doing what they are doing. After he left I came on here, Thanks to deb who was my cheerleader sort of speak. She kept me strong and focused. Once you do something and don't go back on your word each time it gets a little easier. When you start having doubts this is the place to go! seek out the support. It is very hard but so worth it. My son finally realized I wasn't kidding and he was loosing everything He finally got help for all the reasons . He is doing really well. I am so proud of him!! He still struggles at times  but has chose to pay it forward to help keep himself clean. Slow and Steady , one day at a time. that is how we are getting through this. stay strong, Don't give in and let him take responsibility for all his actions ( no more fixing his problems for him). You can do this!!!!!!!!
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What a great post ;)
I deeply appreciate your kind words,  but the credit is all yours.
Your resent experience,  so new,  so fresh, so bittersweet
You walked the walk. ..no you sprinted !
I can't tell you enough the pain that you forced yourself to ensure,  to have the courage and strength to stand tall face to face with your son's addiction,  helped to prevent a pain that is beyond words.
It's still along road...a life time road,  but you have your addiction to him much better controlled. There may be slips but as you said. ..each time it happens,  you'll find your footing faster,  in turn it will benefit  you all.

Liriomorado... I can't stress enough,  you have the perfect opportunity right at your fingertips to change how you love your son.
I know it's not the answer we went to hear,  but as rjrmom said she needed to time it with him being high,  it is nearly impossible to get quick help for our kids.  When she saw the opportunity she took full advantage. ..hospital,  help or out. You have the courts on your side. ..it truly is a blessing in disguise.
Make him responsible for his actions now while you have that chance.
Words mom said JUMPED at me....our biggest fear.
She felt he had nothing to live for, he may give up and od, if she made him leave.  
That IS our paralyzing fear
That's were our trained mama mind will go,  but in all reality we let them put  that option in their daily life under our watchful eye.
While I cant say some might not do it,  I truly believe our kids won't. ...they know the deep love that backs them.
Yes they become master manipulators of the heart they thrive on our love, to keep them active
My son once text me a message that I will l never forget.  This was his first time at a real attempt to get clean.  It was thanksgiving, we tried to have thanksgiving dinner together.  I kept kicking him under the table to prevent him from falling face first in his food.   By this time in his addiction I very rarely saw his eyes open.  That day I made my oldest son take him out of my home. ..I couldn't look at him any more. He ended up in drug house after drug house I knew that but I was so numb I couldn't talk to him.  
The text I got from him came to me about midnight on a cold jan winter night in ny. He had no where to go. ..the house he was staying in was stormed by the cops. ..he managed to run,  he begged me to let him come home one time more.  Something in me that night wouldn't let me do it, it had to be a higher power than I as I felt peace with my choice to tell him no.  His final text was mom I'm sorry. ..I love you and I hold in my hand enough heroin to not wake up. . I put him in God's hands that night,  but I felt peace as I knew our suffering was near to end in what ever way it needed to come.
I don't remember much about the next 24 hours. ..I was beyond numb,  I felt like I was in a dream. ..but the nightmare ended.  
For the first time he was alone. ...he didn't want to die that way.
He knew he was no longer welcome in my life as an addict.
what he did next I never expected. ..he got clean for the first time for him.  I'm not sure how long it took,  but the day came rather quickly that he was knocking on my front door.  When I opened the door. ..I looked into his soul from his  clear beautiful eyes...
he stayed clean a year.  After he proved to me he was serious I let him come home to rebuild his life. ..he worked hard at it with added help.  The story doesn't end here. He relapsed met an active female user. ..before I had a chance to make him leave again,  he od'd  with a slit wrist at my kitchen table. He survived and so did i.
That was his final time home. ..he got in his comfort zone once again. ...my life my home.
Myself. ..my home. ..his biggest trigger,  we both know that now.
I didn't lose his love, We have a love like never before. ..we feel it with a glance, putting him out of my life brought him home.
He has 2 years now...clean.
there is still that fear. ..but he's different now,  it came from him.
we both had to fall hard to get back up.
It was a pain that there are no words for.

Rjrmom...hit the nail on the head with our biggest fear
Help stop him,  before you go to that darkest place, rjrmom did and I would love to see the same out come for you. ..for all of us here.
There is hope. ..learn to love him in a different way

We're here,  we won't let you do this alone. ..I promise
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I lost my brother and son 4 days apart, my brother Dec. 2nd my son Dec 6th,  If you have a loved one using PLEASE PLEASE, try to make them see there are only 3 outcomes of HEROIN ADDICTION, 1st and foremost, get clean and stay clean my son had 90 days clean,( he had a f it moment thought he could use one last time and that's what he did only this dose killed him) 2nd option get busted and go to jail, and last but not least is death!  Please try to make them understand their is help, they need to work at staying clean harder than they worked at getting high, It's too late for my son ,but if one person is reached by this then his death will not have been in vain
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My deepest heartfelt sympathy to you.  
I can't even imagine your grief.
Heroin is killing too many of our loved ones.
I wish I could find words of comfort to say to you. ..I can't,  there are none.

Thank you for having the strength to tell your story,  I'm sure it was a very hard thing to do.
A very selfless act on your part...

I hope you have a very strong support system.
While I don't know how to ease your pain, I certainly will be here for you to help you get through it

I'm praying for you as I write this
I'm so very sorry,  I know those words mean very little right now, just know. ..  they come  deep from the heart of one  mom to another.

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Deb 179,
I forced myself to come on today to give you an update because your support means so much to me.
I flew back from Virginia yesterday and as I started packing my bags to leave, I could feel the anxiety coming back knowing I had to come back to my son's situation. I had a wonderful time with my sisters and there were long stretches of our days where I put him completely out of my mind and loved my sisters and being in a state of "happiness". At night my mind would wander but I wasn't depressed during my entire stay.
Today I am sad again because I don't know how long this process will take. My son is working part time and while I was gone, he stopped by the house to pick up his paycheck from my husband. He was there for about 30 minutes and my husband said he is staying with a "friend".
I am holding on to the knowledge that this is what it will take and it might be awhile if he has some money and a place to stay. I read one thread where a young man said he was gone for a year before he bottomed out and became tired of the craziness. I pray my son gives up the fight before then but I have prepared myself for it to take as long as it takes.
I am staying very busy and  reading your advice and the other comments in this thread have become  my "mantra". It keeps me sane and pulls me out of the desperate sadness when I am really struggling.
Thank you for your love and support.  
  
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So glad to see you here, ive thought of you often.
Happy to hear you had a nice peaceful time with your sisters, that's what you needed most.
Stay as busy as possible,  do everything possible to keep your mind in another place, it's all still so very raw.
Home seems to be the hardest for us, with time it will get easier.
My home was very hard for a few months....I went back to work,  that helped me tremendously.
Try not to think about how long this will take, the most important thing to remember is there is now a beginning.
It's going to take him time to realize you mean what you say.  
Coming home to get his check is a reminder to him.
He feels this too.
He may be at a friends house right now,  but it won't last. ..it never does if they are using.  
He needs this. ..please remember that.
If it takes a year for him to figure it out, he's a year ahead of himself than if he were in your home.
I know this is very hard on you.  
Stand your ground with love.  
You will help him only when hes ready to help himself.
You can do this. ..you need to do this for him,  don't lose sight that your giving him you your family a chance at a normal life ...ok.
I know you miss him. ...I know you love him, your a mom.

BTW, my son's final attempt took him about 4 months to figure out, by that time...I was OK.
This will be a very long road,  I'm still on it. ..will be for life,  but once you start to see some progress in the right direction it gives you that little incentive to keep yourself facing forward.
Many relapse. ..begin to prepare that it will be a high possibility.
I always looked at each relapse as one step closer and it was.
Just as your feeling now,  he too has to relearn his life.
Please get in touch when ever you need to,  don't ever feel you cant.  

Baby steps. ..it's the way we need to do it too
here for you. . We won't let you do it alone
Prayers and hugs sent to you

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Deb,
I was feeling particularly heartbroken today as I think about the holiday and how unreal it is to have my son so lost in his addiction . Your encouragement was just what I needed to redirect my heart to know that this is the parallel path he and I need to walk for awhile.
I pulled out all of the photos of my three children sitting on Santa's lap over the years (as I do every year) and to see his sweet face and his joy as a child makes it so hard to know where he is now.
I am trying to stay busy so I don't drag myself down as I know I have no control at this point. I am heartened by the strength of all the mothers in this thread and how they too get up every day and persevere.
I can do it too.

You are special to me. Enjoy your holiday with your family and I will reconnect in a few days after my kids and grandkids go home. They will keep me very focused for the next few days and I am looking forward to their visit.

To you and all the parents on this thread who love their children as deeply as we do, have a loving and safe holiday.
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The holidays are very cruel to us when one we love is missing,  I understand that empty feeling, also the pain at where the innocence was lost. ...I did it all too. I felt if only I could take my son back to 2 years old, I would do it so different this time.   When I really thought of what I would or could have done different there wasn't a thing.
we as parents go thought ALL the emotions, guilt a big one
Fear. ...what ifs.  I'm not sure much in life compares to the cruelty of addiction.
Everything you feel you have valid reason.  
since we can't change any one in our lives in any way . ..that change falls in our hands.
You will change you,  my favorite words from rjrmom...
" change the way you love him "
I'm a very different person than I was 4 years ago.
My son has taught me a lot.
While we go through pain others not in our shoes will ever understand... on the flip side we find a love many will never know.
Don't ever think you may lose his love over this.
Tough love...it is tough,  but it's return is worth every bit of it.
He will  thank you,  you will be his hero, as he will be yours.
Hang in there sweetie,  you've got this !
Enjoy your holidays the best you can. ...I'll watch for you.
Please don't let yourself go low. ..I'm here
You've become pretty special to me too, as many here have.
This fight takes many, together we can see our way through.
Hugs. ..Love. ..Strength. ..BELIEVE
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