Here goes my issue: Started dating a man 2 yrs ago, he moved in with me 2mths into the relationship then he disappeared for 2 days soon after. When I spoke to his mom, she said he dropped his things off there and left to binge, saying that I was nagging him too much. I finally tracked him down at a drug infested hotel where his brother sells crack ( i later found out his brother supported my boyfriends crack habit for over 13yrs). He came back home with me that night, never explaining why he left. He found a stable job after this happened but became frustrated at the hard work and quit. Basically this has been the pattern ELEVEN TIMES since 2010: Negative moods, work a little, quit, negative moods again, threaten to move with his mother, disappear for days on crack, destroy my character to his family, beg to come back home and tell me i'm a good woman. Then I spend time consoling him and getting his weight back up. He quit his 5th job and left yesterday on another binge, took every thing in a cab to his mom's once again. I see his potential but is this a lost cause? Should I tell him to stay gone this time? What if he can change?
He can be a crack addict with or without you. What is your opinion? Move on. Period. You answered all your own questions. You can't excuse someone BECAUSE they are a drug addict, it is your fault for allowing this to go on, your are in charge of your own destiny, and you are worth 100% of A partner not 4%. You cannot help him become sober by loving him. It doesn't work that way. He likes being a crackhead or he would change. I don't want to hurt your feelings but he would be with ANYBODY that would put up with him, ANYBODY.
While I agree that your need to protect yourself from emotional harm comes first, I don't think discontinuing the relationship is always the answer.
My story parallels yours except that I am the addict. I have been an addict since I was 21 years old and I'm 50 now. I spent 13 years living in doorways, vacant buildings and jails/rehabs.
I moved in with my girlfriend three years ago after a two month courtship and put her through a lot of crap for two years. Although she didn't leave me, she finally got tired of my promises and failed attempts at sobriety and gave me an ultimatum. Quit now or we were through. I didn't think I could quit, nor did I think I could even manage to go to a 12 step meeting consistently.
I knew she was serious and to convince her to not throw me out I offered to turn all money (monthly checks of 3600 dollars) over to her and attend 12 step meetings. I just celebrated one year June 9th and while things aren't perfect, we have a lot more peace. I still have cravings but with no quick easy access to money my cravings pass. So far so good.
I have to add that my having found a hobby/interest (sailing) other than drugs was key to my ability to stay clean and sober. I bought a small sailboat and became engrossed in boating and the boating culture. If I didn't have this I doubt I would have been successful. AA and NA meetings are vital to recovery but they are not the end all-be all of recovery. He's going to have to find something he can get passionate about.
There is hope. There is a way out for your boyfriend but he needs you to have a zero tolerance policy in effect. Be prepared to leave his *** if he decides to manipulate the zero tolerance policy.
wow i really never thought about it that way. just read more of the responses today because guess what? he went on another binge this weekend as well. two weekends in a row. i took his things to his moms, she wouldnt accept them
your story sounds so similar to mine, but i would be in your girlfriends shoes. like him, u seem like such a nice person aside from the drug and thats what i see in him "the good potential". im a very patient person but i dont wanna look like a doormat either. he went on another binge this weekend and sat on my porch until i opened the door. its almost as if he knows i will. im hoping he will enter into another rehab program and be successful this time.
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