Does cocaine make you sexual?

i posted my story just now...i am new here. my husband confessed that he does coke 4-5 times a week. i have a feeling that it is a lot more. he says that when he drinks he has these urges to do coke...and that he gets these sexual urges. he has cheated on me in the past...and i am still trying to recover from that. now he says he is addicted to cocaine. we are currently separated.

is this true? does coke make a person want to have sex? cheat on their wives? or is he bullshitting me?

friends of ours who stopped hanging around us just recently told me that the reason was becasue of my husband cocaine usage. i had no idea. they told me he was using it and selling it. he never had any money! this has been going on for about 3 years.

i am devastated. but it does make sense now....the mood swings, the horrible depression...all of it. he smoked weed everyday....but i never thought he was doing coke. he also drink a lot. i have a feeling he was doing coke more than 4-5 times a week, dont you?

but....does coke make you want to cheat? i dont know what to think...or believe.

[vicki595]

Hi there-  I'm so sorry for what you're going through, I know how hurt you must feel...

Yes, I think coke is somewhat of an aphrodisiac. It's kind of funny though because with men, it also causes a fair amount of ED so I'm not sure how satisfying the experience is. Anyway, I wouldn't say it MAKES  a guy cheat all by itself BUT when there's alcohol, coke, music, darkness, etc...defenses fall away. It's no damn excuse though and personally I'd leave this jerk in the dirt for cheating!!  

There have been a few members here who have had issues with coke and they have all said their downfall was alcohol. That always came first, then the coke, then the girls.

[LostinChina89]

thank you vicki for the reply. yes, it has been very hard dealing with the infedelity. it happend a few years ago, but i just found out about it last year when he confessed. and then recently, i caught him sexting some 55 year old grandmother...who also does coke....and that is when he told me about his coke problem....and these "urges." he said that whenever he drinks the alcohol, he does the coke. when he told me this, he showed me his stash that he had hidden in the garage....it was a box with about 10 little balloons in it. i could not believe what i saw.

i looked in his computer and i saw that he had submitted an on-line assessment to a local rehab facility. they tried to contact him several times, but he never responded. we have a 20 month old son...and he was doing all of this...out in the garage while we were asleep.

i feel like i am still in denial. i dont want to believe it. but why would he lie about something like that? why would he show me the coke? why would he say he does it 4-5 times a week? why would he allow his family to research rehab centers for him....and guess what, he didnt go.

i set some clear boundaries for myself. i told him that he would need to go to rehab, stop drinking, counseling, and be fully transparent...meaning open access to all cell phones, emails, etc. i felt like i needed him to try and rebuild some trust with me. if i can give you complete access to my methods of communication, then he should do the same. those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, right?

well....he bailed. he went to stay at his brother....he said he was not giving up his phone records. and of course he is not in rehab.

we are currently separated.

the cheating has all but destroyed me, and now there is the drug problem...and i dont know what to think.  i love my husband, but i have to set some boundaries for my emotional safety and for the safety of my son.

i have not heard from him in a month....not even to ask about his son.

i am completely devastated.

he is 40...when is he going to grow up?  i just want a family man.

[vicki595]

He's an addict Sweetie and right now that's all that matters. I think, in his own way, he was honest with you, not that it helped anything because he didn't follow through with some treatment...

He'll have to hit his bottom, wherever that is...then the question is: will it be too late for the two of you? Only you can know...

My advice would be to involve as many family members and close friends in an effort to reach him. If you involve a therapist you could attempt an intervention. You could research some rehabs on your own and maybe line something up in case he agrees to go. Sometimes, a person only needs a little push to crawl through the window...you know?

Please know that he's a sick guy. I have to say that because it's true. I hate the cheating and I know that hurts more than the drugs but it's all really part of the deal.

Do you have any kind of support there, emotionally?

[vicki595]

I just read your other thread where you've gone into more detail. I'm sure you feel devastated and the whole story doesn't sound unusual, unfortunately. One thought I had was for you to get his phone shut off. You're probably handling the bills at home, right? So shut it off if you can. That will bring things to a head pretty quickly!

Now, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING is YOU. Okay? You need some support so I hope you have it.  You need to pay attention to you right now. He's not going to last much longer at this rate, the fun will end and reality is going to hit him. Just stick to your guns...

[LostinChina89]

i do have a lot of support. i am grateful for that. vicki...it seems like all he does is blame me. he is so angry that i put him out...angry about those phone records....angry about everything...and it seems to all be focused towards me....and i havent done anything but love him and be a good mother to his son.

since he left, all he would do is fight with me...and he always seems irrational...really not bein reasonable about seeing our son. just ridiculous. he called me every name in the book...and then he would be nice...just a rollercoaster. of course he still was not agreeing to the boundaries....no rehab.

and then, one day he came over in a rage. i have never seen him that angry. he was coming to see our son, and kept him at my mothers because he was acting not normal. we got into an arguement, and he pushed me...hard...and i hit the wall...i had to get 5 stitches. he went to jail for a week. and when he got out, there was a restraining order against him, and he refused to talk to me. he blamed me. it was terrible. his family was supportive when that happend, but after that, they all sided with him...and i was the enemy, so i have no support with them. i can only imagine all the lies he has told them to demonize me.

i told him that he could see his son whenever he wanted but at our home....i didnt feel comfortable with him taking the baby while he is on coke. that was a major problem too...but that is not negotiable. again, he demonized me....i have done nothing vicki. he tried to tell me that he does not do coke anymore...."it is all behind him" is what he says. i dont believe that a person can quit...just like that. he lied and said that he went to cocaine anonymous, but i dont believe him.

it has been so much drama...but in the end....he just hasnt taken responsiblity for anything. nothing.

i feel like he is not fighting for me, or our family...he just bailed.

and no contact from him in a month...not even about the baby.

i know he is going to work...(he is a history teacher)....it seems like he is moving on...and left us behind.

can someone just stop doing coke that fast? i know he has been using for at least 3 years.

so confused and abandoned.

[vicki595]

I think he's lying all over the place. Plus he's in denial which is normal. He just can't accept what an a s s he's been.

NO. A person usually cannot stop like that after three years. I'd say NO WAY. A coke addiction is more mental and psychological than physical which makes it difficult to quit just like that. If he had stopped he'd be banging the door down and begging you to help him and take him back. I don't believe he's stopped and that's what's feeding his behaviour right now. It seems unbelievable that he could just move on but he hasn't really done that. His head is pretty f'ed up from the coke so he's not thinking clearly at all. You know that, too. The rage was a perfect example of how messed up he is and I'm sure he doesn't know how to approach you after all of that. He's just sick and it's very sad. If he emails again, answer him. You may want those emails at some point, too, so watch what you say.

You Are NOT the bad guy here and you know that, too. His name calling and blaming is typical addict behaviour. Shut his damn phone off!  LOL

[LostinChina89]

i dont think he has stopped taking the coke that easy either...i mean to go from doing it 4-5 times a week to.."that is all behind me" seems so untrue. a friend of mine also said that if he says he is doing it 4-5 times a week, then it is most likely way more than that.

but he was functional...he went to work everyday, paid the bills...took care of me and the baby...but there was always something "off"...whether it was the mood swings, the total depression which scared me sometimes....he just seemed "different." i think he was able to support is coke habit by dealing. he told me he had stopped doing that a long time ago...but now i dont believe him.

really sad how just a few months ago...he was at my family reunion asking to talk with my mother privately to apologize for the infedelity....they talked for about an hour. and then he was on video at the reunion professing his love for me in front of my whole family.

and now he is gone. he hates me...and i have not heard from him.

i am so sad.

his emails to me a month ago were wild...some sounded like he was on something...and then the last one...."i dont know how to come back....i lash out at you because i dont know how you feel...i miss you and the baby desparately....i cried when i thought of us on vacation a few months ago and how that was the time of my life." i didnt respond....it was all about him...nothing about me...nothing about what he was going to do to get himself together. he said..."i am just angry and need help." but he has done nothing.

this is the first time in 12 years married that i have not talked to him in a month....i cant believe it.

vicki...tell me one more time...he is a cocaine addict, isnt he?

i keep thinking that he only told me that because he was sexting that 50 year old lady at 4am in the garage...and that since he got caught, he made up a lie that he was addicted to coke.

i know...i still go in my denial phase. i hate all of this.

[vicki595]

He's an addict. His drug of choice is cocaine. It's true. Remember the rage?? That's from the coke. The hyper sexual behaviour is partly the coke and partly him...the drinking is part of the addiction.

You can't live in limbo here. You need to do some talking with him and make some decisions. Not everyone needs to go into detox...there are some great outpatient programs as well. It just depends.   He's sick and he needs help and I can't believe his brother is enabling all of this!

Some action needs to be taken now. He's still playing games when he should be talking to you...

[LostinChina89]

i dont know what to say to him. i feel like i am the pathetic wife begging him back again. i have told him what he needed to do....rehab (which our insurance for inpatient and outpatient pays 100%), transparency, and stop drinking. he told me pointblank he would not let me see his phone. i know he must have a lot to hide. a lot more lies.

i feel like when i put him out, it was me telling him that i am not going to stand for being treated like a doormat.

well, he left and never came back...not even to see about his little baby.

i am ALWAYS the one to try, he never makes the effort...he just runs away...like he is doing now. why cant he just do this vicki....

"baby...i am sorry for all that i have done to hurt you and our family. i will do whatever it takes to make things right and save our family. i am getting help for my problem. there is some foul things on my phone, but i want to come clean and moving forward, i want to be an open book with you to build trust. all i want is my family. i want to come home."

why cant he do this vicki?

[vicki595]

He can't because he's an addict and it's all about HIM right now. He doesn't see much else. It's the unfortunate nature of the disease...he may also be in denial about his behaviour which is not unusual. Until he accepts it, there's nothing wrong with him...in his mind.

He needs to talk with you. It's not pathetic of you to contact him and ask what his plans are or what he's thinking about. And don't be surprised if he's having a big old time of things. It's maddening but it may happen...he needs to hear about and face his responsibilities and give you an explanation.

[LostinChina89]

do you think he is hiding from me vicki? sort of like, he knows he has done so much and can't face me? cant man up?

is it that much more fun to be out there doing drugs, drinking, women, and going to clubs with loser druggy friends...than being at home with your wife and child who you claim to love so much? doesnt it get old doing that crap out in the street? i mean, at some point you have to grow up and be an adult.

vicki, a month ago when he came to see the baby...did i mention that he brought the cops with him. he said that he brought them because he wanted to make sure "i didnt send him back to jail." he was so worried that i was planning on sending him to jail. now he was the one who pushed me and i got the stiches...but he thinks that I am the one who wanted him in jail???  he brought the police with him to ensure that everything would be peaceful. that really, really hurt me. it is like he turned that whole incident around on me....like it was my fault. like i set him up to got to jail and was doing it again.
let me ask you thins...why wont he at least come and see his son...or even send me an email, text, or call to ask how the baby is doing?

i am afraid to contact him....i know he will be a complete jerk to me and i dont think i can stand anymore pain from him. i can see him telling me he isnt ever coming back, or that i am bothering him, or that i am some demon, keeping him from his son.

i am so afraid to reach out to him.

[vicki595]

That's okay. You don't have to call him. God only knows he doesn't deserve you...Something will give soon, I'm sure.

One thing you need to do is some research. Educate yourself on addiction and what effect it has on a brain. Okay?  Folks don't think like you and I do and there was a time when I was s h I t for brains!!  He has no guilt and no conscience right now. You're not dealing with a healthy person at all so you can't put those standards on him and then judge him. He is not the guy you married at the moment. That's what you have to get out of this. He's sick as in mentally I'll if you have to call it something...he's not right in the head AT ALL. That's obvious sweetie! No normal guy would ignore his beautiful family like this...

If you want things to work then maybe contact him to offer your help to make him better and see how he responds to that. If he says he's fine and nothings wrong then you'll know he's not ready to fix himself!   I'm really disappointed in his family...WOW!

I need to take off but I'll check in later. Maybe my pals here will weigh in on this and offer their thoughts. A lot of bright women here...

[atthebeach]

I know how hard this is to face the reality of what is going on. It is all comIng in like a flood. They are very good at hiding their addictions. When it progresses slowly we don't see that  much of a change until we look back and then it all seems to make sense. I  am sure there was many other times he stayed up in his man cave. You thought things were off. At the time, we ask , they offer an explanation and everything seems ok. When it continues and things continue or get worse we then realize something is terribly wrong. Yes he was dealing to support his habit. Has he still been paying the bills for the house now? Do you work? How have you been getting money? A joint account ?  
Right now he could be enjoying his freedom. He doesn't hate you or your son. He could not be ready to admit he has done anything wrong yet. They will always try to shift the blame and manipulate.
I am sorry his family is being so blindsided by him. I remember when I wanted  to tell my mother in law that my husband was using , my sister in law said you can't tell mom she will have a heart attack. What about what my 4 children & I were going through ?  Guess what years later when I finally told her she didn't have a heart attack. She was fine. Family will always stick up for them. My sister in law always said it seems things weren't that bad.

How the hell did she know? Did she live with her brother ( my husband) no of course not. Of course at family functions he seemed fine. She did tell me after the fact that pills and money had been missing from their house through the years.
When I did kick my husband out he initially got worse, he threw all caution to the wind , he didn't have to worry about the children and I but within 6 months he was going off the deep end and  became suicidal. He entered a rehab and stayed for 3 months. He has been clean for 2 years and 9 months.
I know how hard it is not to be consumed by this. I  am sure you are  not sleeping, eating and are crying a lot . Please know that is a perfectly normal reaction, your whole life has been turned upside down.
Have you been to the therapist since he left? Do you have a pastor you could speak with?
Keep posting it does help.
Sending support and prayers,
Debbie

[optimus22mac]

I posted on your other thread, so I just wanted to let you know that I read this one too, so I hope you see it, and keep posting...this is a great place for support:)

[LostinChina89]

thank you for responding...i am completely broken. i feel so alone, so abandoned. i appreciate you sharing your story debbie. it helps to hear from other that have gone through similar experiences. tomorrow will be 2 months that my husband has been gone....a month since i have even heard a word from him.  i still cant believe all of this is happening. i had such a hard time getting over his affair last year...it was devastating...and now this. there was a reason that i could never get over it. in my heart, i just knew that something was not right. no matter how hard he tried to rebuild trust...something was not right. and when i look back, i know that it is becasue he was not doing all he could...he was hiding a big secret...and he refused to be transparent with me. and now i know why. it is surreal.

the house we own is in both our names...i do work and have a really good job...i can support myself and my baby...and pay the mortgage. we dont have joint accounts or credit cards. that is a good thing i guess.

i do believe he was dealing to support his habit. he never really had much money...that is why i say that.

you know, when i looked in his phone and caught him sexting at 4am in the mancave....my whole world fell apart. i wanted him out...it was over...i was so upset..he begged and pleaded for me not to leave him. he said he would do whatever it took. and when he admitted the cocaine problem....i wanted to stand by him...but when i laid out my boundaries...my conditions....rehab, transparency, stop drinking, and counseling...all which seem reasonable after all he has done...he left. he said there was no way he would give up his phone records.  i am scared to see what is on them....must be really bad. but so what? wouldnt a real man do whatever it takes to fight for his family.  but i guess vicki had it right, he is not in his right mind so why would i expect him to act sane?

what i dont understand though is how he could go to work everyday, pay the mortgage and be home at 3 to be with us. i guess he was "functional?" so if he is functional, why did he abandon us? is it because he feel like all the crap he has done is just way too much to take responsibility for?

if he is functional...why no contact at all? not even to see about the baby?

there is a restraining order in place after the altercation. he can contact me about our son, and come to the house to see the baby. but he also knows that he can contact me to discuss me and him...he was just hiding behind that RO....he didnt want to talk to me. and then a month ago, he sends me all these emails pretty much blaming me and not taking responsibility for anything...not even apologizing for me getting stitches in my head. all he did was talk about how horrible it was for him in jail and how i wouldnt believe how much he suffered. it was all about him.

i wish i didnt love him anymore. i wish i didnt think about him every waking moment. i wish i was not married with him 12 years. i feel like i dont even know him anymore.

i am taking care of myself though....i see a therapist weekly....i have a strong support system....my son is happy and healthy. my bills are paid.

i miss my family...the man i thought i knew.

all i do is cry. i still cry about the affair....i am simply not over it. he never made me feel safe...and now i know why. i wish that he was begging me ack...asking for forgivennes...but he is not. it is like he just gave up and said..."well, i cant deal with her crap anymore...she caught me sexting...and i cant deal with all the guilt and shame that goes with that...it will be like a prison over there...and i dont want to deal with that. she put me in jail...she is keeping me from my son. she is doing so much to hurt me."

that is how i feel.

i also wanted you to know that i am not keeping him from his son. i set some pretty clear boundaries. he can see the baby at the house only. since he is active in his addiction, not going to rehab, and hanging out with people who sell drugs, i do not feel comfortable with the baby going anywhere with him.

he came by that one time to see him a month ago...and now nothing.

i feel so depressed...and lonely.

[bamabred]

Girl you are having a rough time,try taking a little time out for you!!Get a baby sitter and get some rest ok??     Danny

[Nighthawk61]

Cocaine absolutely 100% is an aphrodisiac, moreso for men, than women in my experience. I honestly don't think that your husband would have cheated the way he was, had it not been for the coke.  On the other hand, he may have been having some problems that he has not dealt with, and as a result of this , used the drugs.  Any drugs that lower your inhibitions can result in senseless sexuality.  

[sasann]

I'm amazing how my x cocaine addict boyfriend keeps going! He would come around to my house sniffing with his jaw doing funny things a wreck! I would think finally he is going to hit bottom. He is free lance and I was thinking finally people will stop hiring him and he will hit bottom. But then I see a photo of him on facebook, working, all smart and smiling.
1. They go through incredible ups and downs..they are always pulling themselves together after a bad downer. Its very frustrating how they bounce back and move on.
2. Money and work is a big priority to them..they have to pay for their addiction.

Functioning is important to keep the addiction going but there is a huge part of their life they are not seeing. Like they have blinkers on.

Its horrible like one of those nature programmes where the parasite keeps the host alive enough to keep living off them. Charlie doesn't want my boyfriend not to work if that happened Charlie would be out the window.
So he allows my boyfriend a break from his addiction so he can go out and earn some money.
I think you will know he is getting clean when he rings you to talk about recovery and is desperate to save his life. Making promises to you about the future is a bad sign. Addicts live in the future. "I will give up tomorrow and I will be a better person." Some one in recovery knows not to make promises they may not keep. Some one in recovery is just talking about today, this hour,or tonights CA meeting.

I feel for you. My boyfriend rang a few years ago to say he wasn't a cocaine addict he just let me think that! Because he was a sex and love addict and had been to the priory. I'm sure he is all three. Thing is when he rang me it still wasn't a two way conversation he just spoke AT me like if he spoke quick enough and got the story out I would fall for it. I was supportive but when I tried to ask him anything about the details of treatment. He was very aggressively defensive and said I'm not going to tell you that! So basically he wanted to speak and make me listen and I was expected to swallow it all with no qestions. When I didn't fall for it he said well this is just about me apologising it doesn't matter if you believe me or not! He didn't offer to do anything to gain my trust or prove him self trust worthy ( like offering to meet for a coffee and talk it over) He had zero empathy it was still all about him and manipulating me to stick around. I know other partners have said the same. There addicts will offer the earth but when you dont respond positively they immediately lose interest or become abusive. I think its all part of the disease when everyone has left them they go back to their x's and make promises anything not to feel alone. Its all Charlie's doing. If they feel anything negative they may hit bottom and Charlie doesn't want that!
Dont doubt he is an addict. I lived as a lodger to an addict. Because all his friends that came round were taking drugs and pretending everything was fine I began to think I was being over sensitive. He said it was me who needed to loosen up and kind of hinted I was an old stick in the mud. When an old college friend came to visit we had a moment in the kitchen. She said J says you are moving out. I said oh our lifestyles are a bit different ( being diplomatic) she said " oh my God are you ok. How have you stood it here you must be so lonely he has gone completely weird and off the rails. Do you lock your door at night?!" I was so releaved to hear I wasn't imagining it. I have found that when you mention coke as being a problem alot of people dont want to know and will make other excuses. Oh he's just an odd guy..maybe he fancies you! He has always been angry, excitable. Just be careful you are not unwittingly asking advice from other coke users! They will always defend the person its too uncomfortable to think a substance they are taking themselves could cause so much damage. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. dont doubt yourself
Look after yourself

Sarah

[beep24]

I don't know. But My Husband has a cocaine. Problem. And he cheats and he says its the cocaine but I don't believe. Him I think its already. In him to cheat and the cocaine. Give him the baldness to do it I just want to leave m just tired of him

[road68]

I have just read your post and  comments. How is you life now ? Any changes ? I am going trough the same , dont know what to do. I am devastated and sad. I love him so much so it is hard to move on ..

[Lost1973]

Im not sure if my Husband began doing coke again, he is denying doing drugs but has made horrible choices including sleeping with my Daughter. He has had terrible outbursts calling me out of my name dilated pupils rapid heartbeat sinus issues.. If anyone can help me I would appreciate it. He is denying the affair and drugs I'm lost right now and need help. How can I tell if he is on drugs and what drug? Thank you

[shenelly]

My bf for 2 years had a coke addiction. He sniffed all night like I cant imagine how much it was but i told his mother about his problem and he said he stop then a few months later he was sniffn molly pills all night. We have broken up 4 times cause  his drugs and twice he disappeared without a trace. I didnt want to leave him cause i wanted to help him but i had to realized i couldnt help him. He started stealing my money and I gave him the light bill money to go pay it. He never paid and kept promising to pay it. When it was time for disconnection and started bitching and talking about his drugs he disappeared again. I hope he is gone for good. I had a nice car and job and i lost both cuz of him......JUST MOVE ON BEFORE YOU GET HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE FROM ALL THE DISAPPOINTMENTS. or and ONE more THING. Coke exactly made it hard for him to get erected/ He would get horny but his penis would be as soft has it could get

[MiZzG28]

I am going thru the same thing with my bf, he was the sweetest most careing guy i have ever been with. One day we have a fight and i end up telling him im not sure about the relationship, he gets pissed og, does not want to respond to my text or calls. I then hear that he has been doing coke, drinking and smoking weed the last 3 days (the days i didnt hear from him) and his friend told me that before me and him started dating that he had used coke, smoked weed and partyed alot but stopped when we met... N now the fight seems to have triggerd it again and i finally got thru to him and he came over, we talked, cryd, made up and he left to go home to sleep after everything was fine between us. Then i call the nxt day and he is not answering, responding all day then when i finally get a hold of him he is rude , calling me names, with girls answering the phone and i dont know what else.. I am heartbroken I have never seen this behaviour, He says hes madly in love with me , that he has never been happyer n now in jst a few days he is not even communicating with me.. It hurts to the point that I cant breath... Sorry but i had to get this out :/

[MiZzG28]

I am going thru the same thing with my bf, he was the sweetest most careing guy i have ever been with. One day we have a fight and i end up telling him im not sure about the relationship, he gets pissed og, does not want to respond to my text or calls. I then hear that he has been doing coke, drinking and smoking weed the last 3 days (the days i didnt hear from him) and his friend told me that before me and him started dating that he had used coke, smoked weed and partyed alot but stopped when we met... N now the fight seems to have triggerd it again and i finally got thru to him and he came over, we talked, cryd, made up and he left to go home to sleep after everything was fine between us. Then i call the nxt day and he is not answering, responding all day then when i finally get a hold of him he is rude , calling me names, with girls answering the phone and i dont know what else.. I am heartbroken I have never seen this behaviour, He says hes madly in love with me , that he has never been happyer n now in jst a few days he is not even communicating with me.. It hurts to the point that I cant breath... Sorry but i had to get this out :/