As you all know my husband has been battling his addiction to tramadol for quiet some time now. After all the lies and going back on it now he is taking kratom and done with tramadol. On top of lying about the drug he confessed some things about his past to me which don't make me too happy. I know I shouldn't judge him because its his past, but its a matter of the lying it just goes on and on and on. Even so, he knows he is in the dog house with me and he continues to sh** talk me, like he is too good for me or something. HELLO? EXCUSE ME ... YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE BEGGING ME TO STAY WITH YOU! Instead his attitude is "It's your choice to be with me or leave me ... no one is forcing you to be here" Really? Really you SOB that is what you say to someone you truly love and want to be with? On top of ALREADY being in the dog house? I am tired, and sick of this. I am tired of being lied to, tired of questioning my relationship, tired of worrying over things that shouldn't even be in MY life, tired of his range, tired of the insults, tired of the pain, and most of all, I am tired of being LONELY. The hardest part is I have distanced myself from family and friends because of HIM. Because I can't pretend to be ok or pretend that everything is ok. Basically his whole family hates me, they think I am a bi***. If only they knew why I was so distant and why I rarely visit them because of him, because I am sick of making excuses for "I want to leave now" ok tell your family then, "Wife doesn't feel good we have to go" Me, did I say I wanted to leave? Don't use me as an excuse! I also don't feel that he is trying to get better. Sleeping in till 4pm everyday WTF!!!! Are you kidding me? You keep me up till 5am every night and there I am everyday waking up at 8am for school but no why do you care? By the time he wakes up I manage to get home cook supper and clean the house and what does he do SQUAT!
Oh Summer, I'm so sorry, honey! Can you just take a break for a bit? Get yourself out of the immediate situation? Take some deep breaths and think this thing through? I know you have been through so much! Take care, you are in my thoughts and prayers!
Well Summer, I think youve hit your bottom line. Hooray for you.!! YOU dont deserve to be treated badly by any means. And now its time to stop protecting him. HE doesnt get to make you feel bad anymore! Make HIM answer to his family. He has manipulated you far too long in my opinion, and you deserve to be happy. Time to stop making excuses for him, and take your life back! As long as you allow him to brow beat you and lie to his family and place the blame on you, it will continue, until you say no more.
Give him a bottom line. Get help, or we're done. I know its easy to say, but it sounds like you know what youve got to do. Best wishes and my prayers are with you.
I know that I can blame no one but MYSELF for my dependence and I have to take responsibility for it, just as he does. You can do this. He needs a wake up call, big time! He is testing you, saying you can leave, so leave, (or make him leave) because youve been enabling him so long, he doesnt think youll follow through. Im no Doctor, but Ive seen enough to know what your going through. Blessings!
Addiction is a FAMILY illness. Many times the co-dependent non drug or alcohol abusers become sicker than the user. I am both, so I'm not just shooting off my mouth.
Reading a book called "CoDependent No More" would be an excellent move. So would getting yourself to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting.
The focus needs to be on YOU and getting you well....step 1 for us that love addicts: "We admitted we were powerless over _______(person's name) and our lives had become unmanageable".
Hope you'll help yourself. Cause you sure can't change him.
Great words clean
My mother went to Alanon and it helped her so much.
We, as kids noticed a big difference in her and our whole family dynamics. She wished she had done it sooner. I do too.
Even if you phone and talk to someone it may help.
Someone who is in the same situation as you is just a phone call away Summer.
I wish you the happiness that you deserve. If you love him and can't leave him, you need to get help for you. You can't make him stop if he doesn't want to.
I wish I could leave but honestly he would threaten me with over dosing or something stupid. I am stupid I love him tooo much to leave. I would laugh at girls like me and now i am that girl. Karma karma karma ugh
Oh wow, that is scary. I feel so badly for you and really don't have an answer if you can't leave. I really hope that doesn't happen.
You cannot live like this. It is so unhealthy for you.
I know you love him but you have to love yourself first.
He "won't let me go" ???? Are you ready to learn how to help yourself?
You can go to the library, online, school library, on and on and LEARN about codependency.
It's a family disease. And YOU'RE in the family. When YOU get tired of being sick and tired, you will do whatever is required to help yourself. You don't "sound" ready yet, and that's ok cause it's a process... and for me, I had to get really miserable b4 I was willing to start reading Al-Anon literature, codependency literature, go to a mtg., so desperate to quit hurting that I was willing to change ME. What I was doin wasn't working.
And I was hurting, sick and miserable.
As long as I was living "in" the sickness and did not go to Al-Anon, I could not be open, clear-headed, or start getting healthy myself. It's just too easy to focus on someone else, and much harder to get help for ourselves." The main symptom of codependency is our focus on "he this", "he that", "but he", "when he"..........your mind has to be retrained to know YOU are powerless over "him" and you can only change yourself if you want to be happy.
I'm so worried for you! I really am! You need to become a secret agent and figure out how to get some help and support before this situation seriously gets out of control! Maybe you could call a hotline? Do you have any time to yourself? Seriously we need to try and figure something out! Sending you big hugs, and I wish there was something else I could do!
You are so right ... do you think you can inbox me so info I wouldn't know where to begin and with winter vacation just around the corner I will be needing something to keep me sane while I am stuck home with him!
I am never alone he works from home so when I am home he is home and I definitely can not discuss this stuff at school ... I go to school come home that is my routine, I don;t remember the last time I enjoyed hanging out with others because every time I do I get a text message "Where are you" I don't feel good, having fun without me" etc not even worth going out the mood will be killed halfway through or as soon as i get home the bitc&%^* begins!
Start by letting your family in on the truth about your home life. Begin to build a support system for yourself. You mention school...most learning institutes have counseling services. Begin to socially expose your situation; don't let his addiction isolate you. Pardon my bluntness, but stop playing oh hell and stand up and do something about your situation. If you buy into the codependency saga you’re only learning to live with his problem…and that’s the voice of experience speaking. You choose, do you want to learn to live with this, or do you want to participate in your own life?
The thing is I am not really interested in getting my university involved because I attend a catholic university which I am not catholic and that is the way they promote counseling through religion, also I am not interested in seeking counseling from my school because usually they notify professors and so on and I am not looking for special treatment. Now my family, lets just say I am their baby and they would not stand for this. They are old fashioned and ADDICTION simply does not exist to them, it is an excuse and its just another reason for them to have a problem with them. Informing them would do NO help, it would actually make things that much more worse than it already is!
Thanks soo much I really do appreciate it. This is just so emotional you know, on top of being isolated you feel ugly because the damn drug makes him not want to do ANYTHING TMI I know but I am not an ugly girl!!! At all, and it makes me feel so damn gross and ugly! FML!
I’ve not heard of Kratom, so I looked it up. Can’t find anything good about it but need to share the information. One thing I do know is that my daughter is coming off of heavy does and long term use of Tramadol and I was beginning to suspect she was smoking, or inhaling something because she hid a cigarette lighter under her comforter. No reason for that, I mean to hide something like a lighter, none what-so-ever, unless it’s paranoia over whatever she is doing. And paranoia is a new ingredient to her personality. I’m not sure what to expect, I’m only trying to figure this stuff out, and I am so happy to have found this website, here, and the one I’m leaving a URL to. Thank you, summerloven, for your reference to this substance.
Thanks so much for all of your great support and I wish you and your daughter the best of luck I know how hard this is. Unfortunately, at this time we won;t have a family together. But we are married and I do plan someday after he is clean for a long while to have a family. I am still young and have no plans of EVER bringing a child into this situation.
Back again, girl. You can "bing" or "google" Al-Anon and get lots of great info. Read and toot around on it. The book I was telling you I read is called "Co-Dependent No More".
It's by Melody something??? It is NOT Al-Anon literature, but extremely helpful in learning about you and your situation. If you really WANT to help yourself (and that's the only person you CAN help) you can check into and educate yourself on others that struggle living with an alcoholic/addict.
I must say, since I am BOTH and have worked the 12 steps in two programs, that THEY WORK IF YOU WORK THEM!!
If you aren't ready to help yourself and want to continue being controlled by your spouse and his addiction, you will more than likely find a justifiable "reason" or "excuse" why you can't do ANYTHING anyone suggests to you.
Lastly, I can GUARANTEE you being an addict is NOT a choice. Getting clean and living a clean and sober life IS a choice. NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE would choose to be addicted to a substance and have it destroy their life. The Al-Anon and Narc-Anon support TEACHES you about all of this. But you HAVE to have a TEACHABLE SPIRIT.
It helps me immensely to say this particular serenity prayer esp when angry: "God grant me the serenity to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change, the courage to change the PERSON I can,
and the wisdom to know its ME"
Blessings dear one~
thank you so much for all the input and advice i really do appreciate it and you are absolutely right. ... as soon as i can i am going to give an al anon center a call and speak with them. As for now I will continue to pray for the patience and strength that I need to get through this hard time. For God to grant me those two things in order to fight this battle and to also keep me sane. Thank you so much!
You said: “ Lastly, I can GUARANTEE you being an addict is NOT a choice. Getting clean and living a clean and sober life IS a choice. NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE would choose to be addicted to a substance and have it destroy their life.”.
One chooses to take a pill, one chooses to take a drink, one chooses to sniff that substance, and to choose these substances over and over is just that…a CHOICE! There is a point with any substance when one realizes they have exceeded the point of moderation. First comes the, I can handle this, then comes, I need this, but it all begins with CHOICE.
As with any life pattern it has to be chosen over and over to become habit.
And I would agree.....hellifyouknow! I am a person who has lived both with addicts recoverying and otherwise. That's why I studied and learned about how addiction affects the WHOLE FAMILY. I also am a person you broke my pelvis, tailbone and sacrum and was bedridden. Then not much later, I had two discs completely ruputure out of their body cavities and the discs were huge and inflammed and so were all the nerves they were pressing on. I had NO insurance and no way to pay for the expensive surgery required to correct it. I DID NOT CHOOSE TO lay in bed for two years with pain so intense I could not walk. But I did take pain medication legally prescribed by my dr. to live with the pain.
My husband, on the other hand, has completely diff body chemistry than I do and has had surgeries requiring pain meds, yet his body is diff from mine and his length of time on pain meds was also diff from mine. Your body builds a tolerance (if you read the med guide that comes w/your RX)
You don't ASK for this.....you don't CHOOSE this. You don't even know in advance it will happen to you.
(cont'd) due to posting problems with character limits
I actually feel bad for the "addict" in your life that has brought you to this forum. You obviously don't live with them or have "dismissed" them. I hear no willingness on your part to be "teachable" or learn or read about addiction and the common problem it is for so many people like me that never used drugs recreationally and still ended up addicted.
It may even be a waste of energy to share with you. You seem to think willpower is all you need. You obviously have zero compassion for others diff from yourself. You place yourself "above" others. Pride always comes before a fall. Hope you have someone to catch you.
If you are young.........maybe you willl remember this when your perfect, not overweight, not addicted, moderate everything life changes.
I have to repost this, because I was SO thinking this when I read your posts hon...
"If you aren't ready to help yourself and want to continue being controlled by your spouse and his addiction, you will more than likely find a justifiable "reason" or "excuse" why you can't do ANYTHING anyone suggests to you. "
That's what you've posted, a whole bunch of reasons and excuses as to why you can't take charge and help yourself. Like others have said, it's a process and takes time, and you're just not "there" yet. Sweetie, how much more are you going to let him take from you? How much "lower" are you going to go? The ONLY person in control of your life should be YOU, end of story.
I pray that you find the strength to start making changes. ANYTHING is better than how you're living now. Actually, what you're doing isn't "living"...you're existing.
You deserve a whole lot more than this. Very best to you..I sure hope to read an update from you that says you took the first step. It doesn't have to be a BIG one...but you have to start somewhere.
Turn that negative thinking around to positive...instead of saying, "I CAN'T do such and such because he won't let me"...say, "I'm GOING to do such and such, because I'm my own person, and do not belong to anyone...he can only control me if I allow it".
I think it is very rude for you to say that it is useless to help me then don't respond. You don't know what I have done, what I have been through and what I am still doing to figure stuff out about this. Who says I haven't done my research or anything like that? Just because I ask for more help or I rant doesn't mean that I am not doing my part. I came on here for friends, not to be bashed.
I JUST WANT TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE TAKEN ALL OF YOUR ADVICE AND I AM TRYING TO CALL AL ANON WITHIN THE NEXT WEEK OR SO BECAUSE THATS WHEN I WILL HAVE SOME ALONE TIME. I don't appreciate people telling me they feel bad for him, I came on here to get comfort for me. I have gone to hell and back for him. To help him and you guys make me feel like I am a piece of S*** wife. I do everything for him. I let everything slide, that is why I come on here and vent because I don't say anything back to him and I let him get away with everything!
WAIT....WAIT....WAIT>>>Summerloven....HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING GOING ON HERE!!!
The two posts in a row where I talked about wondering if posting any info would help and feeling sorry for the "addict" in THAT person's life.....
HONEY.....THOSE POSTS weren't EVEN TO YOU!!!! They were for "hellifiknow". I posted 3 posts TO YOU and I have posted 2 separate posts one right after another to "hellifiknow". You have been hurt about something that DID NOT HAPPEN!! I have been back on three times with very long posts trying to help. I have given really specific info, too. Things for you to check out online, on amazon books, on Al-Anon's website, etc.
The character limits is still messed up on these posts, so I'll continue below.
(Cont'd from above) And, summerloven, I KNOW you need to rant and get support from people. I know you need friends who can relate to your situation and "not bash" you.
If you will go back up and start with your own original post, read EVERY word when you aren't upset. Let them soak in your heart. And please BE SURE to pay attention to who the poster is addressing their comments to.
OK? I have NOT bashed you.and I HAVE been in your shoes. And I got got sick & tired, too! You listed ALL the things you are TIRED of: being lied to, questioniing your relationship, tired of worry, rage, insults, pain and being LONELY!! You are approaching a huge turning point, girl. You ARE getting there. I have a lot more I'd like to share and just get too frustrated trying to do it on here when I am limited to characters and then have no way to "get it all typed the same way" again. I'm pretty ignorant about the computer in a lot of ways, still. But, I saw your PM and will respond to you there before the night is over. I'm in the middle of making pies and another dish for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I'll be back.....PLEASE take the time to go back and read your post(s) AND SOAK up all that was said and shared.
You aren't being "bashed" or attacked. People care about you and your situation or they wouldn't even bother to take the time to post any of their experience, strength & hope with you. This is all public, and nobody really has to share unless they have the "heart" to do so. And I'm hurting with you girl, I've been in your exact same boat (not every detail) but the ones that are making you insane.......and eventually you will be able to learn and admit that your husband's addiction HAS made you sick/ill and totally drawn you into this cunning, baffling, and powerful FAMILY ILLNESS.
Hugs until later.......and after you read my "emotional, too re-active posts" to hellifiknow.......erase those comments.....THEY WERE NOT MEANT FOR YOU DARLIN!!
Summerloven???? Are you on tonight? I tried to send you a private message (PM) but you have your privacy settings on your profile set to only receive PM's from "your friends". I'll invite you to be a friend and then you if you "accept the invitation" (Ha) it will let me talk to you. Otherwise, I can't. We have the options of letting "only our friends" see certain things on our profiles. I can't even see "notes" left for some people because of the way they have their privacy settings selected (or they DON"T want to be my friend hahahahah!!!!)
See what you want to do when you have time. I'll send the invite now, tho'
Please pardon my experience, summerloven. I in no way intended to insult you, or anyone else. My ex husband was an alcoholic he died from his addiction. I was married for 21 years and put myself through the wringer, and my children, learning, understanding, creating a life around his alcohol addiction: I went the route and finally left him. He didn’t like that; he attempted to slit my throat and the daughter I mention, here in your thread, pounded her head on the sidewalk trying to get help to me, she was eleven years old. Later, my oldest daughter became addicted to alcohol first, and drugs I can’t even name. She died at age 36 leaving two children. No, I am not addicted; absolutely understand that I had a choice to be though because hard cord medications are pushed on recovering individuals by physicians, constantly. I am educated in alcohol effects and becoming educated in the effects of Tramadol. I commend anyone that kicks an addiction, I know what it does to a perfectly wonderful person. And, my baby, my forty-one year old child, the one addicted to tramadol, used 30 50mg tablets a day…for five years. She has, as of today’s date, 21 days clean. I have my opinions, AAA has theirs. Please forgive me for arrogance beyond early learning…I’ve been at this a long time. In thirteen years of alcohol and drug abuse what my daughter’s decision came right down to was CHOICE…and that’s exactly what she started with.
I haven’t got the patience to sit and read through your rant, clean_in_ks. Personally I could care less what your thoughts are about my opinions. Let’s get one thing clear though, I have no guilt over any approach I’ve taken in life. I won’t apologize for my integrity
Thank you sooo much for clarifying I was sooo worried and sorry if I got confused! We will talk through pm later. Enjoy your thanksgiving I know that I am grateful for all of my friends here and thats a fact!
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