Hello I posted about my husband of 23 years two days ago the other problem is I feel like I cant let go of the anger and hurt everytime I look at him I feel it.He is only on his third day without using a oxi the problem is I am angry when he uses yet I am angry at the fact that now all he does is lay around and not help or care about anything.I am trying to stick to my guns about uitting but is seems like when he uses he is happy and nice and helps feels like I am losing my own self I am definately not the person I used to be.My children are older my youngest is 13 they are fully aware of the situation they seem to deal better than me.Thank you for listening
Of course it is easier for a child to deal with. They don't realize how big of a problem it is. Also of course he is like Dr Jekle and Mr hide. While he is withdrawing, you are going to see him fall into depression and it is part of the withdraws. If he stays clean for a little while longer you will start seeing signs of him coming back around and signs of him being his old self again. It takes time and it takes a lot of work. Check out the Addiction Substance abuse forum to learn more about how ling it typically takes to come out of the depression and you will learn a lot about it. you can also check out my post on the depression forum titled:
Fighting depression part 2
Fighting depression part 3
Fighting depression part 4
Fighting impatience, stress, and fear
If you consider how long your husband used, you can understand better that it's going to take some time for him to get back to his normal self. It almost sounds like you'd rather he be his "normal" addicted self, after only 3 days. You want your husband to be real right? You want him to be helpful in his authentic self, but it's going to take some time. Please have patience.
I felt the same way when my husband got off opiates and it took a VERY long time for the anger to finally melt away. One misconception that is common to spouses of addicts is that we think their addicted selves are their "normal" or "real" selves. That's what's normal for them and it's what's normal for us. The truth is something entirely different. It's going to take months before your husband finds his real personality and shows it to you and the rest of the world. That may or may not be the person you thought he was. That's also why some kind of supportive therapy (and/or AA, NA, Al-Anon) is so crucial. During recovery there are landmines everywhere that both of you have to negotiate.
Quitting is only the first step. Your husband is going to be mentally and physically miserable for quite some time, so yes, the burden of daily life is going to fall to you. It's OK to be angry. How long have you been holding it all in while you attempted to present a public face that everything was just fine, thank you very much? The trick is letting it out in a constructive way. Shredding a phone book or busting glasses in a dumpster can help. You get the idea. Most of all, try some Al-Anon meetings. You can only control your own behavior and they can help you learn how to better cope with the constant change that goes along with addiction and recovery. Hang in there and try to remember that you're both beginning a new life. It won't be at all easy but the rewards are great. :-)
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