HELP PLEASE!

My boyfriend of 7 years admitted last night he was addicted to heroin!!!! I had no idea, he has been smoking it for nearly 3 years, £50 a day at his highest and now down to £20 a day. Im absolutely crushed. We have 2 beautiful children age 5 and 15. How could he think it was abit of fun at first. He has decided he really wants to stop, but has only told me nobody else knows and he wants it to stay that way. How can i possibly deal with this burden alone? we are going to a treatment centre today, but im scared....how can he detox at home with my kids about! I dont need them being bought into this or even have to see it!!
just need some advice please on what to expect.

[Jaybay]

That's great that he's going to a detox center, but the most important thing for him (and you) is aftercare.  That's where the real healing happens.  Detox is only the first step and nasty-looking as being dope-sick is, that's nothing compared to the mental work that needs to happen.

Every addict wants to keep his addiction a secret, and keeping that secret only keeps him sick.  Denial is typical - he still thinks he can control himself alone and keep the secret.  We family members usually go along with it because we don't want anyone to know the shameful truth either.  Your husband isn't a bad, unethical, or immoral man - he's a sick man.  He's going to be overwhelmed with negative emotions during and for quite awhile after detox until his brain chemistry sorts itself out.  I went along with the secrecy business until I couldn't take it for one more moment.  Of course, everyone already knew there was a huge problem with my husband, they just didn't know the extent of it.  Funny thing about honesty: it heals.

As for the kids, keep the information age appropriate as you would with any illness or upsetting life event.  Your 5-year-old only needs to know that daddy is sick but he'll get better.  Your 15-year-old is certainly old enough to be told the truth: daddy is addict, addiction is a disease, and he's going to get better but it may be ugly for a while.  Of course you don't want your kids to be exposed to addiction!  The truth is that they already are.  You can't uncook that particular bun but you can learn how to deal with it honestly and to set boundaries with your husband so that it doesn't harm them.  

You don't have to bear this burden alone.  That's what Al-anon is for.  Ala-Teen would be a great thing for your older child.  As traumatizing as detox is for the addict and the family members who witness it, you may find yourself wishing you were still in ignorance.  Initially, it sometimes seems like life was a whole lot better while he was using and keeping it secret.  The elephant is now in the living room and he's not going to go away without some major work on his part (AA or NA or a proper treatment program) and on your part with Ala-non.  

I completely understand that you feel your life has been turned upside-down and you probably don't have a clue about exactly who you married or why this had to happen your family.  That's the chaos of addiction and every one of us here has been exactly where you're standing today.  It's a family disease and it requires family participation to deal with it effectively.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing.  Meanwhile, take a deep breath, try to calm down and look into Al-Anon.  :-)

[Jaybay]

Ooops!  Just noticed I said "husband" instead of "boyfriend."  My bad!  :-)

[eaw102]

thank you for replying!  I have looked into Alanon and there is a local meeting by me which i am going to try, I still feel like im in abit of a bubble at the moment. Not knowing how i feel. I know i cant look at him the same, i feel angry he has done this. We went to the treatment centre yesterday and he is booked into his induction next wed but of course until then he has to keep using. It crushes me when he looks at me and says hes got to pop out for an hour. Then when he comes back i feel sick knowing what hes just been an done. He is smoking in it in a spliff which the counsellor said is better than iv use! I know that but also i dont want it to sound less serious.
I have to go to work today and hoping i can stop my emotions from taking over.
I also had to give him money to get him through til his treatment starts, i know i shouldnt have but he was ready to sell his work drills he needs! its such  a mess. I also dont want him to think that now i know his secret he can take advantage of that.

[Jaybay]

I know the feeling.  :-/  I was so eaten up with anger and frustration and God-only-knows-what I couldn't think straight.  Then there was the large amount of disgust liberally smeared in the mix every time I looked at my husband every time he used.  Since he was pretty much never sober, I was always in a heightened state of anxiety.  

Anger is such a misunderstood emotion.  It makes us feel anxious and unwell and we start to think we're the ones in the wrong.  Now I know that there are times that anger is appropriate and well-placed.  The trick is learning how to let it out effectively without making things worse or getting physical.  Awful as it feels, it's entirely appropriate for you to feel angry now.  

You're new to all this so I do understand why you gave him money.  As you begin to learn more about addiction, you'll get more comfortable saying NO to him in these kinds of emotional blackmail situations.  That's all it is.  I guarantee you he wouldn't have sold his tools, and if he did, that would have been a huge consequence for him (as long as nobody else bought them back for him).  He sounds so much like my husband.  Once he admitted he was an addict and alcoholic, he gave himself permission to use and drink even more and out in the open.  The insane logic was, "I am and addict and alcoholic; addicts and alcoholics drink and abuse drugs; therefore, I will drink and abuse drugs."  Once it was out in the open, he started in with, "I have to have a new computer and smart phone so I can do my job."  I was a total idiot and paid for it while he used what little money he had on alcohol and drugs.  Crazy, huh?  Ah well... hindsight is always 20/20.

I'm so glad to hear there's a meeting you can conveniently attend!  You won't be required to speak unless you want to so don't worry about that part of it.  Please stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.  I know it's rough right now, but life will get better.  Really!  :-)