HOW

How do I get my husband to admit he has a problem...our marriage is on the rocks, I can't live like this anymore, he is so mentally abusive.  I feel if I leave him he will do something bad to himself.  He already told me he would not change taking Vicodin for me.  What should I DO?

[Missy1231984]

The first thing is to take a deep breath.   Does he have issue with anger management, depression, etc.?  He could be lashing out at you.  Would he be willing to go to marriage therapy?  

[hope4good]

Unfortanatly you cannot make him quit.  He has got to come to that realization himself.  Maybe take him to an addiction counselor, NA or AA.  It sounds like it's getting to the breaking point.  If you want someone to talk to in order to get through this they have Ala-non meetings which is for family members of alcoholics or drug addicts.  You need to keep yourself healthy.  I hope he decides to quit and you both get the help you need.

[kyle505]

You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. You can't stop an addict, and his statement about choosing pills over you says volumes.
He's the only one that can make the decision to get clean, but it looks like the meds have a very strong hold on him right now. And I'd lay odds that he knows that your relationship is suffering but cares more about the Vics.
Try a support group -Alanon maybe. But the bottom line is you have to stop wasting your time and energy on him and instead focus on your own health and well-being. It will only get worse before it gets better.

[Andie015]

He will only change if he wants to and is ready and at this point he isn't. Unfortunately, he is just going to continue his terrible attitude and behavior and you will get more miserable by the day. I'm not at all trying to tell you what to do with your life but you need to think of yourself first in this situation...because that's what he's doing.Your happiness is so important and no one should take that away from you nor should you allow that to happen.  I commented on your last post and I stand by what I said....let him know you aren't tolerating this situation and if it doesn't change you need to change it for yourself....good luck..I know how hard this situation is...just on the other side.

[loops1911]

HE refuses to admit he has a problem.  He has anger issues, but he lashes out only when he doesn't have any pills.  He keeps saying he does not have a problem, he only needs his pills for pain.  I asked him to start taking less pills daily, he takes 7-8 vicodin a day or more, he gets 120 a month, and by two and half weeks or so he is out.  I am concerned, he is killing himself  and I can not help him.  I do not want to wake up one day and find him dead.  He went as far as donating blood to get more money for pills, but they stopped him, for reasons he would not tell me.  He is hiding more than just an addiction and with the new damn laws, they would not tell me.  The way I found out was he recieved a letter in the mail that they needed to talk to him, when I went with him he refused to let me in the room with the blood bank people.  I am getting scared.  HELP

[kyle505]

Again, you need to focus on yourself. And yes, he is killing himself, but unless he recognizes his addiction and decides to stop, you won't be able to do anything about it. No matter what you say or do. You've got to accept that fact. Have you ever watched the TV show "Intervention"?  Some of the stories will hit home for you and might help you understand how useless trying to reason and rationalize with an addict is.

[loops1911]

Your right I have watched the show intervention.  AND yes your right about me trying to help is not going to work.  ME threatening to leave him is not going to work either.  I am gonna leave him and place a retraining order on him so that he cannot bother me at work or wherever I live.  I have to do this for my own health.  I hate too, because I love him sooooo much, but, he doesn't love himself.  Maybe me leaving will open his eyes and heart. Thank you all for your advice.

[nursegirl6572]

Oh my, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but everyone is right...you have to do what YOU need to do to be safe and healthy.  You are codependent and probably enabling him, even if you don't realize it.

You need to stick to your bottom line...which can be leaving, throwing him out, whatever you have to do to stay safe.  He sounds as though he could spiral into being dangerous.  PLEASE be very careful.  Don't put your safety at risk.  I sure hope there are no children caught up in this mess.  If so, they have to be the TOP priority...you must protect them physically and emotionally, no matter what.  You will not get him to admit he has a problem...he has to get there himself.  Even if you gave him an ultimatum...and he would agree to try..it would be for all the wrong reasons.

Can you go somewhere else?  Do you have family or friends you can stay with?  Personally, that would be my advice.  

Lastly, I would be VERY concerned about the whole blood bank thing.  There isn't any chance he could have Hepatitis, or anything like that is there?  I just have never heard of the BB notifying a patient about something to do with narcotics.  Usually, it's to inform the patient of some + screening result.  The fact he was not permitted to give blood and they contacted him is worrisome to me.

" He is hiding more than just an addiction and with the new damn laws, they would not tell me.  The way I found out was he recieved a letter in the mail that they needed to talk to him, when I went with him he refused to let me in the room with the blood bank people."

Nothing about that sounds good.  I would maybe ask your doctor to run some tests on you...explain the sitiuation.

I'm so very sorry hon.

Very best to you..prayers coming your way.

[Andie015]

That should rock his world and that's what he needs...a reality slap to the face. Sounds harsh but right now that's what he needs. Don't just threaten...follow through...

[nursegirl6572]

I am gonna leave him and place a retraining order on him so that he cannot bother me at work or wherever I live.  I have to do this for my own health.  I hate too, because I love him sooooo much, but, he doesn't love himself.

Good for you hon!  I know it's so hard...but you have to do what's necessary to keep you safe.  

[Teresa1717]

I think you have a good plan in place as far as leaving him and focusing on yourself right now! But This statement you said worries me......." I hate too, because I love him sooooo much, but, he doesn't love himself.  Maybe me leaving will open his eyes and heart.".........I just hope that youre really doing it for yourself and whats best for YOU right now and not hoping that he will see just say he will change. More often than not, that will backfire and then you will feel even more hurt and betrayed. Addicts can be very selfish people unfortunately and Love just isnt enough for us sometimes.  

I wish the best for you and hope that your husband will realize he has a problem before its too late. Youre doing the right thing for YOU though and right now thats what you need to focus on. Oh and You may want to also look in to Al-Anon. Its a great program and might give you some great info on how to put your plan into action.

[Pat1956100]

You have received excellent advice.  I strongly recommend Alanon for you.  There are people there who can totally relate and help you with what you are going through.  
It will be really hard to do what you have to do without any support.  You don't need to feel guilty for leaving him.  It's what you have to do to survive and you are right, it may knock some sense into him and get him to admit he has a problem.  It's a very hard thing for an addict to do.
Please let us know what you decide.

[Missy1231984]

If you really want to leave him, then you should, but make sure you are doing it because you want to and not to manipulate him into recovery.  Maybe just take a "break" and tell him you are leaving so you can both clear your heads.  I haven't been in this situation, but there has been times where my husband was drinking heavy.  I noticed the more I pressured him to stop and made it about me and his love for me, it just made it worse.  I had to step back and say "Fine, you know how I feel, but you are going to do what you are going to do, but I need to start taking care of me, even if it means separating from you."   I stopped nagging and fighting about it.  I started to get things situated so I could leave him if it came to it.  I refused to repeat myself anymore.  sure enough after a week or so I noticed he stopped drinking as often and started acting like more of a husband.  Then when he did drink it was much less.  After about a month it was down to once a week and then none at all for a month.   He has to want to get clean and when addicts are pressured before they are ready they lash out.  I am sorry you are going through this.  Hang in there!  Whether he is or isn't on drugs he should be treating you with respect.

[BlondeChick10]

Please take care of your self first and foremost.