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His Diseases is Killing me
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His Diseases is Killing me

He has been on his best behavior.....keep in mind that he has no money and has not touch crack in five days or so.  Is this just another one of his phases.  Our relationship is great we haven't argued once and he seems to be so lovely and understanding.  It feels like the beginning of our relationship.  But I am scared of my skin.  I am afraid of the unknow.  I don't know what are the triggers that can just set him off.  I know that for now he can't get some because he has not money and he has nothing valueable he can sell.  Can you believe that he bought me an engagement ring and one night we got into a sutpid arguement I gave him the ring back and that very night he sold to his dealer?  I really need someone to PLEEEEASE help me understand this disease I hate calling is crack.  I don't know what to do anyone more.  Someone please give me some insight on this and what I should do for myself and for him.  We both have kids and I don't want them to suffer.  Keep in mind though my kids don't have a clue of how serious his situation is and his son comes occassionally on the weekend.  But his son mom has told his Son that his father is a Crack head.  Anyways! Sorry for rumbling, can someone help me please ?
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Avatar_m_tn
There is no way to determine his triggers and understand the way addiction effects him unless you ask him. Everybody has a different reason or situations for addiction and everybody has different things that trigger the urge. Only he can answer these questions. Try to ask in away were he doesn't feel intimadated or make him feel like he has to answer. He may not even know exactly why or what caused him to become an addict. Maybe tell him that you are worried or feel that you might be doing something wrong that makes him trigger and that you will do your part to try to change but you don't know were to start.  Put the question in his head and eventually he will come up with the answer.  Just to make it clear, I am not blaming you in any way for his addiction or triggers I am only trying to suggest that you bring it up in away that might make him feel sorry or bad that you feel the way you do. He needs to know that his addiction affects the whole family and realize that he is the only one who can change that.

Hope this helps.....
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82861_tn?1333457511
Al-Anon is the best place for you to learn about addiction and figure out how to live with it.  The power to stop the insanity is in your hands.  You just need some education to learn the tools that are at your disposal.

It is not your fault that he is an addict.  It is not your fault when he reaches for the crack pipe.  You can't control his actions any more than he can right now.  You can learn how to minimize the damage he causes to your life while he is actively using.

Try not to judge his ex too harshly.  She is actually doing a good thing by telling her son the truth.  Where addiction is concerned, it's treated like a huge dirty, nasty, secret.  The addict doesn't want it known and neither does the family.  It's as if shame blankets everything it touches and we expect punishment from the rest of the world.  Yes, addicts engage in harmful, immoral acts while they're using.  Try to remember that's only a symptom of addiction.  It doesn't mean the person is immoral, unethical, weak, or anything else at heart (although some certainly are).  It's just that the drug is ruling their brains.  

The double standard really bothers me.  If he had any other terminal illness, you both would have all kinds of support available.  Because addiction is so misunderstood by most people we think we have to keep that dirty little secret.  There's a huge stigma attached to addiction because it's a mental illness and because of the immoral, illegal and other harmful behavior that goes along with it.  I wish it wasn't like that, but it is.  It takes a very brave and strong person to learn the truth about addiction, give up the secret and pursue recovery.  That goes for the addict as well as those whose lives have been affected by his addiction.

Keeping the secret keeps everyone sick - the addict and his family.  The pressure that builds up as we try to explain bizarre behavior and pretend life is normal is damaging to everyone.  How many times have you had to lie to cover up the truth?  How many people and activities do you have to avoid when he's high?  It's not a good feeling is it?  Trust me, everyone already knows something is badly wrong.  I look at addiction like boiling frogs.  We all get sicker and sicker but it happens slowly enough that we don't recognize the illness and the damage it causes until it's too late.

I beg you to give a few Al-anon meetings a try.  If nothing else, pick up some of the books they have available so you can better understand what you're dealing with.  They can help if you let them.  You don't have to live in the insanity of his addiction.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you so much for your message it really helped me and I am definetly going to go to Al-anon meeting and read as much as i can about this his addiction and how I can help myself and him.  In regards to his son knowing....it's more complicated than that, his son was in CS Custody for a year because his son mother has an abusive partner and she neglected his son, she puts his son down and kills his son self-esteem.  I would understand if she told his son in a healthy way but believe me she a force to be reckened with.  

Nevertheless, i don't know what to do other than get help for myself.  Everything was great all week, Saturday seem so promising, he called telling me to put on something nice so we could go out for dinner and a comedy show.  Then he ask me to grab him beer which I had no problem, he came home a starting drinking and taking his time to get ready.  His mom got home and we decided tot take he out for dinner.  It was great evening but he was drinking alot as if it was water.  We came home and he went to the neighbors house and they do the same thing.  he came home late but Sunday was the worse he stoled $ 100 from his mom.  

Will this ever stop?  I don't know why I stay, maybe i am threated that his boss will give him something I can't his boss pays him great money and keeps telling him I am trash and how he knows woman like me.  If that not enough he says that there is plenty of woman out there and he doesn't need a woman like me.  

Thank you once again for your help.

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Avatar_f_tn
you are not trash. Far from it. the fact that you are concerned about all this & all the concern & love that flows out from your messages show how beautiful and loving you are.   I think it is sad that the people with the biggest hearts and most caring intentions end up getting treated the worse.  What is wrong with the world?  Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? We see the good in people, when no one else does, and it's like we are punished for it.  
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