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How did I miss the signs?
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How did I miss the signs?

I just married my boyfriend of over 2 years.  The night of our wedding I found a crack pipe under his dresser.  He had lots of explanations.  It belonged to someone else, and he found it and meant to destroy it.  I claimed he found it in a old can of his step dads and meant to discard of it, but got too busy.  I believed him initially, then i found a box of baking soda and a steel wool pad torn to pieces  under the seat of his car.  I confronted him again, he said it was a test and he was struggling with the notion of smoking some crack but didn't.   When I didn't readily believe him he picked up my purse and hit me in the head with it, knocking me to the floor.  He then blamed me for not being there for him and not believing in him after he told me his deepest secrets.  He still claims he is not using.  The guy at the n.a. Hotline says that he is likely using.  He never has any money although he works, theres always an excuse.  I had to go and unhock a lot of our stuff.  Including a camera he gave me for Christmas.  He still contends that he is innocent and I'm a paranoid ***** and he doesn't want to be with me anymore.  I also find over 100 Vicodin in his drawer which don't belong I him.  Any insight would be helpful... Please!?
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Avatar_f_tn
imo addicts will lie til they hit bottom i thimk u should  give an ultimatum and either he passes an at home drug test or u change the locks til he gets treatment and therepy some couples therepy after he get drug treatment. but do not do it alone he my lash out. make sure u hav sum1 there when u do it. but i DO think he is using and in your heart u do too or u wouldnt b here. b safe and take care of u cuz right now he cant
22 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
It sounds like he's in deep. I have known a lot of crack heads, and avoid them. He has already been abusive and seems to have a lot of supplies around. I can't tell you what to do, but I would walk away. I wouldn't plan on leaving forever, but I would step back and see what he does. Maybe confronted with himself, he will hit bottom and reach out for help. You will not be able to convince him to stop, he will have to decide on his own. The more he has to rely on himself, the more likely he will realize he is out of control. He will continue to blame you or anyone trying to help. I hate writing this post, but that is what I think. I wish my mother had left my father sooner, addicts hurt everyone that loves them.
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2333944_tn?1342915967
I'd walk away too.   He isn't going to get better unless he really wants to.   He sounds like a pathological liar and if he is that abusive, it will only get worse.
Good luck to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am still struggling with what to do.  I know that I need to be firm, but its really hard.  He makes me believe that I am a terrible partner for not believing in him and taking his word for it, then i begin to think "what if he really is telling the truth and was able to wrestle some demons away"...
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Avatar_m_tn
Did he destroy the pipe right then and there? Did his actions show you that he meant what he said. Hitting you with your purse doesn't sound like a recovering addict.
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2120911_tn?1350926261
Welcome.......you're not alone

The violent tendency when confronted is classic.

IMO  
He is using..., he probably thought  (like many) he could do coke/opiates recreationally not hurting anyone...but signs that his road is getting bumpy are starting to show..money, pawn shop etc......by now he knows he is an addict .. he is starting to hate himself. When that sets in it is literally impossible to show love to anyone else. ,,,,(my experience)

Painfully the drugs are becoming central in his life..he no doubt loves you but you are starting to cramp his style.

When I was using I hurt anyone and everyone directly or in-directly,,,,,

but.............it was only when " I " hurt did I do anything about it.
Wait for more people to post  but remeber you can't make him stop.

Addicts are hard to love when fighting addiction,,,they/we have a way of pulling the rug out from everything for absolutely no reason by using again....

Now is the time to be supportive but not enabling. Remember "you" count and need to make sure you'r not a passenger on this ride.

Much support sent your way,,,,,there is hope,,,,

Free~
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3038444_tn?1345698349
Go with your gut, its usually right.  In this case, I definitely think he is using.  Anyone that turns it around on you, becomes overly defensive, gets violence, and HAS PARAPHERNALIA is abusing. Like both weaver and mary said, you need to leave him and protect yourself.  He is more likely to recognize that he has a problem without the crutch that you provide. As hard as it may be, its whats best for you.  Try going to a NARANON meeting. They are specifically for family members, loved ones and friends of addicts.  Don't beat yourself up over not seeing the signs.  It wasn't your job to recognize his shortcomings.  All that matters is that you distance yourself at this point.  Keep posting, we are all here for you. :o) - Kelly
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Avatar_f_tn
This doesn't sound like a very happy young marriage and I'm sorry about that for you...

You have a lot of reasons to leave this situation and not many reasons to stay, don't you think? I'm thinking about you now. It's not safe for you Sweetie...Crack addicts are very unreliable and unstable. Their moods are unpredictable and they are prone to violence.

Reach out to your family on both sides. It's a huge problem. It's so difficult to have a reasonable conversation with anyone in the midst of crack addiction so just look out for yourself now...

Keep close here. There's always someone to talk to.
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Avatar_f_tn
As I said, we JUST got married when I found this, so I really dont feel like I can or want to talk to any family or friends about this.  His mother is aware of his past drug use (4 years ago) but seems to blame it on ADHD and I just cant tolerate her making excuses for him an his addition, I just get frustrated with her.  I have spoken to someone at the N.A. crisis hotline who is a recovering addict, he says to make him leave and change the locks until we decided to get clean.  Its really hard to step outside of yourself and look at the situation with a birds eye view, bit im beginning to "play the tape to the end" with this situation and its looking worse and worse.  
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2030769_tn?1343651274
i just wanted to show u some support...:(  Hitting you, having drugs around, lying....you don't deserve any of that.  You obviously care, you have already called a hotline & are on this website looking for help.  What is he doing to help this situation besides turning it around on you?  You have done nothing wrong.  You confronted your husband with your concerns & he hit you for it.  Please be careful.  You could always get the marriage annulled.  Sometimes not partaking in someone else's insanity is the highest form of love we could offer.  By going along with it or pretending it isn't bad, he will not face any real conquences and will likely never hit the point where it will be bad enough for him to change.  Keep talking to that hotline, and even if you dont feel like you can go to your friends & family yet, you can always come here:)
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3120424_tn?1347173632
Fitns....you were smart for seeking info and advice. Just follow your gut. He hit you in the head and knocked you to the floor.  Get him away from you...at least for a while.  Praying that you keep strong and smart...best wishes.
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2333944_tn?1342915967
No matter how much you love him, you can't fix him.   The fact that he would hit you, is very troubling.    I am afraid for you.    Please be careful, but put yourself first in this instance.  
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271792_tn?1334983257
Mary said it so well (as did everyone else). You don't deserve to be treated like that. You don't deserve to have your dignity taken from you. This should be a happy time for you.

Once an addict, always an addict. There is no cure for addiction. We can choose to be in active addiction or in recovery but we never recover. If he had a problem 4 years ago, he still has it today. I am sorry to say hun.

You can't fix him although I have a feeling you will try. Please be good to yourself and take care of you.

One thing I will mention and it is upsetting. If he is indeed smoking crack as we all suspect then please be aware that crack addicts indulge in deviant sexual behavior--more do than don't. I don't know if your husband is or not but protect yourself in the event that he is. I know this is a hard pill to swallow and I am sorry but I don't want anything to happen to you down the road. It is better to be safe if you are going to remain in the marriage.

Please take care and let us know how you are.
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Avatar_f_tn
imo addicts will lie til they hit bottom i thimk u should  give an ultimatum and either he passes an at home drug test or u change the locks til he gets treatment and therepy some couples therepy after he get drug treatment. but do not do it alone he my lash out. make sure u hav sum1 there when u do it. but i DO think he is using and in your heart u do too or u wouldnt b here. b safe and take care of u cuz right now he cant
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Avatar_f_tn
My whole outlook on him has changed since this happened...I can't even really look at him or speak to him with any sort of affection at all.  I've been hiding at work and trying to figure out what to do.  I feel like this is the ULTIMATE betrayal, mostly because, looking back I see things much more clearly, everything that I ever questioned and he talked himself out of has come to light.  Im so depressed:(  I would like him to see a counselor and he agreed, Ive also told him that the friend that he sees (who I know does coke) cant be a part of his life....even if he does all of this, I will always be suspicious and untrusting and not able to look at him with the same loving eyes that I used to...
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Avatar_f_tn
He took it into the bathroom and claims to have crushed it and flushed it...?  
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1801781_tn?1373244154
Never believe what an addict "says"!  It is what they do that is telling.  Hitting you is a deal breaker to me.  It is not too late to get an annulment and get on with your life.  Harsh??  YES!  Do not invest in him until he is willing to invest in you.  He needs to have a reality check and as hard as it may be...keeping you safe is your first and only priority.  You cannot fix him.  When and if he gets clean...good...if you are available and want him back that is fine.  But he has to make the decision and you can't make him do it.  
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Avatar_f_tn
First I found the pipe, he said it was someone elses.  Then I found baking soda and torn steel wool, I asked him about it and he said he was going to do it and didn't and he was proud of himself for not actually doing it.  He (in tears)  cried and said he was really proud of himself for being clean for 4 years, should be proud too.  He couldn't look me or the kids in the face if he did crack.

SO - Lastnight, I went to his moms house (who is out of town) to feed her cats.  I "wandered" into his room to find a torn in half beer can, that had lighter marks on the bottom with a chalky white substance on it and scape marks where the drug had been gathered, and a jar that looked similar.  
He could tell that there was something wrong with me when he got home so he badgered me until this morning.  I finally told him what I found.  He screamed in my face that he didnt know what I was talking about.  I reminded him that I would have it tested and we would figure it out really quick.  He kept denying it and finally said "ok, I did it, just once but I hated it.    I don't believe him anymore, at all!  

He again blamed me and packed his things and left.  My fault he had been doing crack, my fault he has no money, my fault we broke up.  
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2333944_tn?1342915967
Best thing that ever happened to you.   Now quit blaming yourself and take this opportunity to get yourself on track.  You don't deserve being treated like that.   If I know anything at all though...he will be back.   Be strong.   Move on.   You have no other choice.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you Mary.  He did come back, apologizing for lying and said he wouldn't hang out with this friend who I know does crack and would walk a straight path.  Problem is I want to give him a chance to be straight, but how do I ever believe him when his other lies were s convincing that I FELT BAD for not believing him, when he was lying all along.  Master manipulation only makes me angry.  Also his mother STILL makes excuses for him "well, he WAS clean for a while"  I was so angry at her, I told her I didn't care how long he WAS clean I'm worried about NOW and I have children in my home they are all that matters.  

I let him come back with his promises 2 days ago and I'm driving myself crazy because I looked in his bag and he kept the steel wool pad for some reason in the inner pocket of his back pack.  That made me suspicious..and looked at our phone bill to see that he called his dealer so many times that my bill is 400.00, call hours of the day and night...7am - 4am it didnt matter, like 20 calls a day.   Im so paraniod that hes pulling the wool over my eyes and I'm stressed because I'm not sure what to believe anymore.  gheesh....
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954005_tn?1304630205
You have children in your home, and they are the priority right now....and he hit you.  He cannot be in the house now...indefinitely...until he is clean and rehabilitated, and even then, who knows.  He was violent to you, he could be violent to your children.  From what you have told us in this post and your other post, it is not a safe or healthy environment for yourself or your kids.  The arguing, finding drugs or paraphernalia in odd places around your home...what if your kids find something? This probably seems like it is one of the worst things you have had to go through...but it will escalate to much higher levels...things that you could never imagine.  He is a danger to you and your children, and for now, he needs to be gone.  And you need to be strong and make good decisions for yourself and your kids... Keep posting and reading posts here...this is a very valuable resource...and I'll be thinking of you:)
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Avatar_f_tn
Its so strange that you and I have almost the same situation going on.I just got married this summer too and,like you, am finding out all sorts of stuff but nothing is confirmed in my head. even though iv found a pipe like you did i am still sometimes believing him that theres no problem. my husband has been increasingly angry defensive aggressive and almost hates me at times. it just doesnt seem like the same person. but then he still goes to work and on the surface to others looks fine...they dont know we never have money left at the end of the month even though he makes good money.
anyway i dont know how to contact someond privately on here but if there is then i can give you my email or something...i feel so bad for you because even though theres awful behaviour going on in our homes so soon into our marriages, its still not that easy to just leave. its embarassing and shameful and confusing and although I am frustrated and angry and sad more and more, i still love and feel for him. my gut knows theres a problem but he is convincing!
If it helps in any way....I UNDERSTAND and am struggling with the same questioning and confusion and hurtevery single day.
A
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Avatar_m_tn
Nice Catch! You made a mistake, now RUN!
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