How to give the right support to my boyfriend who is entering rehab for herion?

I have dealt with addiction my entire life my mom,sister,Dad cousins aunts and a uncle.  Its a very helpless feeling.  I have also for my own sanity have realized this is a disease and it is nothing personal even though it sure can feel like it.  I know a person has to want to get clean and nobody can make someone want it.  My boyfriend who went to rehab for cocaine addiction when 17 and has been clean from that is now 26 and broke down this week and told me he's been using heroin for about two months.   I'm pissed at myself I didn't see it.  He is entering in a rehab program out of state this Wednesday.  Even with that said because I've been lied to I almost do t believe it.  It just *****.   Due to my past with family members and addiction its hard to trust him.  I am not telling him THAT because he needs support and positive people in his life especially now.  How can I be supportive without letting my prior experiences erode my positive thoughts for his recovery?  

[ducky406]

I think it's really difficult to be really supportive if there is an underlying feeling of fear. It's ok to admit fear and distrust to him, but it has to be done delicately. Perhaps in a mediated discussion, like at a meeting or counseling session. Or maybe if his rehab has a family group day. You have had a lot of experience with addiction and I believe its best to talk about it with him. It might help clear the air and help you feel more comfortable with his battle with addiction. And thereby helping you be more positive and supportive.

When my sister was using it was like she had no concept about other people's feelings; her next high was the only thing she saw or cared about. When she came out of rehab I really wanted to be supportive of her and did my best, but I was still distant. I was afraid to trust her. That feeling ebbed over time, but I'm not going to lie I wanted an apology from her. I spent most of my childhood taking care of her daughter and living in fear. That desire for an apology turned into a feeling of anger which built up until it kind of exploded. She was very understanding, but that's why I say you should let him know how you feel. Even after she was sober for a while, she didn't fully grasp how much pain her addiction caused me and talking about it really helped bring us closer.

I believe it's possible to be supportive and still let him know that his addiction influences you and is painful. I also believe trust issues are all about fear and the best way to remove said issues is to talk about them.

[atthebeach]

hello and welcome to MH.
that is great that he caught himself early and is seeking treatment. relapse is so common, even if they have been clean for years. recovery is a long and winding road.it is a marathon not a sprint.
it is very possible that he isnt being completely honest and could have been doing it longer than he admits to.
addicts are great manipulators,deceivers and liars.
yes ,the trust was definitely broken. you have a right to be mad,sad and hurt.
when they are in active addiction they dont care about who they are hurting. the drugs are more important.
when he starts to detox and comes to terms with what he has done he will begin to feel remorse. then  he will realize the hurt he has caused you.  then they are embarrassed and ashamed.
i wouldnt say anything now. give it some time.
you should check out al-anon.it is very easy to become an enabler. al-anon will teach you how not to be an enabler. also some one on one counseling would benefit you.  you most likely have some past pain and scars that have been buried deep.
please take care of yourself.
hugs
debbie

[muchlove5]

Thank you for that.  You are totally right.  Trust has to do with fear. I am working through my feelings and I am very open with him in regards to this being very hard and bringing up other issues I have already dealt with on so many occasions.  That is truly awesome your sister had you.  What a great brother.  She is lucky:)

[muchlove5]

Thanks Debbie!  I appreciate your post and I have a great counselor thank god.  I will for sure check out some type of group setting Alonon etc.  Much apprecitated :)

[atthebeach]

how are things going?

[muchlove5]

Thanks for asking!  Not so good.  He told me he was in California at his grandmothers house (We live in Colorado) and going into Rehab this Wednesday.  He finally confessed he had lied and was in Texas with his mother and thought he could kick the habit himself.  I was disappointed but had figured that he was lying.  I decided then and there that I needed to be supportive but from a far.  I then recieved a email that he is going to Rehab sometime this week or next and how sorry he is about everything.  He said his Dad is disconnecting his phone and the next phone call I recieve will be from the land line from the Rehab center.  I am trying to stay positive but realistic at the same time.  Do you know how long after a person is in Rehab they can call someone?