I am at a loss of what to do. I am canadian, I left my home, my family, job ops and friends back in canada to move here to be with my husband. I knew he enjoyed drinking and to my stupid realization now, never saw or ignored the red flags with his drinking and social addiction. Shortly after our move we were married and found out I was pregnant. All through the pregnancy he bugged.me.to go to his regular bar, ignored when I was telling him I was tired or nauseous, until I was forced.to make a scene or threaten to leave without him. Well we delivered our baby girl 2 weeks ago, and she has become my whole world. I desperately miss my husband and qant him to take part in all the little changes and achievements shes going through, but he is very distant. Now he is an air force reservist, a full time college student, and I realize he has a lot on his plate. He still goes to the bar almost every day after classes, occasionally comes home absolutely hammered, after driving himself home intoxicated, and has now started lying to.me about where he was. When he does stay home, he holes himself up in his office playing computer games for 12+ hours. Our daughter doesnt even respond to his voice or presence like she does mine. He's asked me.every night if he can go to the bar to."get oit of the house" which infuriates me as the last outing I have had is to the ob/gyn's office. Not that I want to go to the bar, but I cook dinner, laundry, keep the house clean, take care of the animals and am.still on a 3 hr nursing.schedule with our child. I am living on probably 4 hrs of sleep a day, and am up at 5am everyday while he sleeps until noon. His family are also functioning alcoholics and I am feeling very stressed. Am I over reacting about this? I see glimmers of the man he could be and it is what has kept me here, trying to change him and support him while he changes. But then he just does it behind my back. I feel like i have sacrificed everything to build a life with him and do right by our daughter and he cant even pull back on his social life to be with us. Maybe I am approaching it wrong and I dont want to leave him but I refuse to let my dauggter grow up seeing the circle continue and think alcohol is a normal part of life, because its not. Should I leave before she starts to understand? Or should I continue to try to support my husband, even though he lies to me about it all now. I know I took a vow with him, but with our daughter now in the picture I need him to be the father he could be, and never had. How do I get through to him?
Hi Mandy and sorry your going through this. The lying is a good sign in that he knows what he is doing is not right. Thats a good first step. Going out to bars can be fun and will definately take him away from his responsibilites but i think you should have a long sit down talk with him about this and your concerns.
The next step is maybe tell him to limit the number of times he goes bar hopping much the same way someone tapers off prescription pills. Pick a day or even a couple of days or limit them to weekends only.
During your talk come up with a list of things he must do to help around the house. Treat him in a motherly way much like a mom treats the son. Even though hes mature the little boy in him will pop up from time to time and men do respond to this.
hi mandy and welcome. I understand about the functioning addict my husband was one. your husband grew up this way and thinks it is perfectly normal. he doesn't see it as a problem, you do. I think you should have a talk with him. tell him your concerns, that you want to spend more time with him and your daughter, you would like him to help around the house.
why does he sleep until noon? does he work?
tell him you feel lonely and understandably so, he is absent from all aspects of your life at this time. maybe you should suggest meeting other couples outside of the bar.
have you considered marriage counseling?
my husband has been clean and sober now for 3 years,
there is always hope....keep the faith..
we are here to encourage you and talk with you,
there is always hope........
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