I need advice!

My husband is a "recovering" opiate and benzo addict. I say "recovering" because he hasn't changed much, his behavior is not logical, I think he might be using and he doesn't do much to participate in the recovery process. He abused lortab and xanax our entire 8 years of marriage. 5 months ago I made him leave for the first time and he went to detox and then intensive outpatient therapy. He was clean for 4 months before relapsing. He is supposedly clean again but I need help with this situation. He gets extremely defensive and argumentative very easily. He blames me for EVERYTHING. Literally. Today's example is I asked him, "What are you doing to repair our relationship?". His response was, "Apparently not enough for your liking, but its because of the way you treat me. You don't act like you even love me so why would I try?". Hello!?!? I am so angry about the years of hell he has put me through and the fact that I am in a marriage without trust because he has lied so much, as recently as a month ago. I am starting to feel manipulated and verbally abused. I told him today that the days of him making me believe I am in the wrong over this mess are over. It doesn't matter though, he just argues with me more. I never wanted a divorce but I am thinking about it a lot lately. I so wanted to have a good, lasting marriage but how is that even possible at this point? The trust is gone and he is not making an effort to make things better. But if I say that to him, I am being a b**ch. I feel hopeless and like i'm in a lose lose situation. I come from a family of alcoholics that are still using and it was awful to grow up with. So I have a hard time trusting due to all that to begin with and I refuse to have kids with an addict because I've been there. I am 29 and I feel as if my life is being wasted away on his crap. I am going to my first al-anon meeting tonight. Please, if anyone has anything to say about my situation I would really appreciate your help.

[Bubulous]

Hi and welcome to the forum,

Yeah you could waste your whole life waiting for him to recover.  It does seem like he is showing signs of still using.  I cannot advise on the divorce...however,
That is what it took for me to get clean.  My wife put up with it for four and a half years before she finally got strong enough to let me go and I don't blame her a bit.  I too wanted a long lasting marriage but losing that was the only thing that saved me.
I will also tell you a secret to find out if he is using opiates.  Get close to him and look at his eyes.  If his pupils look like dots O, about that size and don't change then that is a red flag.  Usually works in dim light because everyone's pupils shrink in bright light.  Anyway that is something my wife caught onto shortly before she left me.  She would come up to give me a kiss and immediately knew if I had taken a pain pill in the last three or four hours.

Good Luck and protect your sanity.

Larry

[Life360]

Hi and i dont blame you for being sick of this crap. It is all crap and such a waste of time.
You need to sit him down and have a heart to heart talk to him. Explain that many marriages are successful where both partners are out in society working and trying to better their financial life. Planning on buying a home, having children and pets and really getting involved to get the both of you to have everything you want. Tell him that life is not a game but is something to be taken very seriously and if he will not grow up and be a real mate and lifelong partner, then your out of there.
Every day that goes by and your not putting more bricks on your foundation you end up with a very unfullfilled life.

[sickofthecrap]

Well i was right, he has been using. I went through his coat and found a bunch of pills and meth! The meth is very shocking. I kicked him out, he stole pills, and got fired from a 60k a yr job. What a fool. How incredibly sad. This is the first time he's really having to deal with consequences of his actions besides just me being mad at him.

[Bubulous]

I am proud.  It shows your will to change.  He seems to be nearing his rock bottom and that is what it takes to get clean for a lot of people.  Now is the time to start working on yourself.  I would suggest going to outpatient therapy for abused women.  Or just seeing one.  Eight years of trauma doesn't just go away because you got rid of the source.  Trust me I know.  Now that you have gott the momentum going don't look back in the rear view mirror.  When you are ready to go to counseling give it a chance, and you probably won't have to make that decision, your mind will.  You can only internalize so much for so long.  Great job!!!!  Keep coming back and let us know how it goes.

[sickofthecrap]

I'm so frustrated! His family (the few that have even communicated with me) is trying to guilt me into taking him back. They all say he won't be able to do this without my support and he might kill himself. At what point does HE ever have to be responsible for himself. He has made his bed and I think spending a long time sleeping in it is the best hope for teaching him humility and responsibility. Any thoughts?

[clean_in_ks]

Stick to your guns!  Keep your boundaries firm.....did you go to your first Alanon mtg as you mentioned above?  You will get support for setting these boundaries and so much help there.  I, too, come from a family of alcoholics, albeit they are all in recovery for a long time now.  If you can't get to a mtg, be sure to at a  least for now get the support available to you online.  NarAnon and AlAnon both have .org and .com sites.  They have chat rooms and online meetings, too.  The in person mtgs are very important for you too, as you will get skin on love from people that are in your VERY same shoes!
Hurting people hurt people.  Sick people give sick advise.  Drugs and alcoholism are FAMILY diseases and affect each of us.  You are wise to draw these boundaries now and NOT have children at this point.

Your hubby's behavior sounds like he is still using.  You can't change him or get others to understand if they have no knowledge of codependency and addiction.  If he doesn't decide for himself to get and STAY clean he simply won't.  I hear ya about considering divorce, but would like to suggest something......my hubby and I have been separated two times in our many yrs of marriage......and we are still married as the separation(s) changed both of us immensely.  If you aren't ready to take some "permanent" action.....give separation a try and just work on yourself, go to meetings and find happiness without the daily obsession of living w/an addict still using.  He isn't "recovering" if he is still using.....and as addicts we (I'm also a recovering addict and have gillions of addicts in my family, both immediate and extended family).. anyway... addicts lie.....the power of the drug(s) is KING of everything.....trust is an earned thing....and respect, trust and love all go hand in hand.  You're on the right track......take care of you for now......and leave the rest in God's hands.
Blessings!

[ItstheSky]

I totally agree with everyone in the fact that you may be fighting an endless battle. He's not going to budge unless it's something he comes to terms with on his own. He has to make a conscious decision to stop and change his life.
As long as you have the passion and hope to stick with it, more power to you. But personally I think you ought to focus on yourself and start moving forward, with or without him. That's just the hardest part. It's a hard choice to make but remember the most important thing to you should always be YOU. :)

Best of luck to you!!!

[ItstheSky]

OH and one more thing, ignore his family- they have HIS best interest in mind, not yours. They need to just do what they can within their means to be there for him and help him through it. Begging you and guilting you to come back to him is selfish and not helping him any.

Sorry I always have a thought that gets left out and have to repost something lol.