Just looking to vent and make sure I'm not alone.
The last couple years of my life have been horrible. I have suspected my husband of abuse and called him out on it. Only to get lies an rage back. He buttered me over for years. Finally this week he admitted it. He's addicted to opiates. And now says this is why he's been so moody and angry. For the last couple of years he's been a horrible husband. The lies to cover lies. He now says that the rage fits(as I call them) were all addiction related. He'd be out and starting to feel bad. He says his mind is clouded. He says he's always on the lookout for them. I'm not an addict so I can't relate to why you'd treat the ones you say you love the most the worst? He has admitted some things. I know he will never tell it all. He says he wants help. And he is going Saturday. So I've had to ration out the last of his tabs till then. And that has been hard. Watching someone destroy themselves is hard.
I hope I'm not alone. And I sure hope after he goes.. I hope I get my ORIGINAL husband back. The one I had before the drugs.
Hi, Just know that you are definately not alone. My husband is also an addict, and we've been together for almost 18 yrs. Now, he doesn't use constantly, mine is a binger. He can go for years without using, but when he does he just disappears for days.
It is very difficult to understand why they do this to people they are supposed to love, but my advice to you is to find help for yourself. That will help you and him get through this and give you a better understanding. Try al-anon. That's what I'm doing for the first time in our long relationship, and I feel that it's helping already. Don't wait for years to seek help for yourself like I did. There really is alot of help out there for families dealing with a loved one with an addiction. Also, I read a good book, "Why Don't They Just Stop" by Joe Herzanek. I got it for my kindle, and it's very insightful.
I struggle every day with trying to understand this disease, and how it affects everyone not just the person with the addiction.
Stay strong and good luck...this seems like a very good place to start (I'm glad I did) <3
Thank you very much. I've been reading as much on here as possible. I guess I'm just so angry. I love him so much. At this time though I feel so much anger towards him. It's like I can't control it. The more I think about the lies he's told and how he's stole from our kids to feed his habit just makes me worse. To know he's made them an me do without while he was secretly making extra money to feed his habit instead of doing for us. Makes no sense to me. I would die for our kids. And definatly go without for them. I guess that is something I may never understand. And I'm angry at myself. I feel as though I should of never let myself get this far. As soon as I thought there was a problem I should of left. Staying and believing him every time just ENABLED him more. Me even trying to be helpful and supportive has been hard. I've walked on eggshells for so long and this week especially waiting on him to start treatment. This morning he went off on me cause I gave him two tabs and not more. And anything else he could cuss an yell at me about. All I want to do is lay in my room an cry. And now he informs me he knows this is why he can't barely urinate anymore. So there's no telling what damage he's done to himself internally. It's sad an heartbreaking someone would ruin their bodies and the people they care about the most.
I want him clean. I want him to be the dad he was. I can forget about myself for them. I just don't know if when he gets clean if I'll be able to forgive an forget all he's done? I may not be able to cope with it. The thought of all the pain,lies,stealing an etc. may not be healable for me with him. I may have too go on with my life. I dont know if I want the worry for the rest of our marriage about him relapsing. I know I can't handle that. I have to go behind him like a child. Checking everything he does. Not believing anything. And I hate that. Who wants a marriage where you have to worry all day. Where's he at,Who's he calling & ETC.. I feel so betrayed by all his actions. I think our life for the last 5-6 years was a lie.
He started almost 6 years ago by taking methadone for a headache given to him by a co-worker. Nine months later he's using to feel normal daily. After I found out. It was horrible. He stayed home a week detoxing. It was awful. I did everything I could to make him comfortable. After a week he went on an on about how that was the worst and he'd never mess up again. I guess that didn't last long. I don't know how long after that he took more methadone. Then started on lortabs. Then a couple years ago I started addipex for weight loss. When I started noticing they were missing he'd have some excuse. Then he wanted to go get home them himself to lose weight. Well we argued cause I knew he was shopping. Sure enough he was getting 45 a month and in a week after refill they'd be all gone.. And several days later half mine would be gone. I hid them everywhere and he'd still find them. I had someone come to me and tell me he was on adderall also!:(
So now this week my suspicions have been confirmed out of HIS mouth that he's been taking up 10 tabs aday. Plus addipex and adderall if he could get it! That blows my mind. It's all so scary to me. I've had surgery and took one 5 and been sick. I can't even imagine taking that much of anything.
Thanks so much for reading my vent! I'm glad I'm not alone, but. I sure hate that so many are affected by this..
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