I've recently ended a 3 year relationship... loving a recovering addict.

Trying to find understanding and in need of support. I've recently ended a 3 year relationship with someone who I know really loved me deep down inside but there were just to many things working against us. I feel as though I've lost my best friend and soul mate. I’ve been through a lot with him including his substance abuse, withdrawl (withdrawal), and finaly getting clean but things have changed and I'm wrorried about him. Never once did I doubt him but I also feel like he probably wouldn't tell me if he'd slipped up anyway and for what reason I don't know. I thought I did what was best for us and I'm feeling really unsure it's only been a few days and I told him I'd be there for him if he ever needed me. But I always think he hates me when things like this happen. He recently has started saying really awful things to me when he  is in a bad mood. Even in a normal conversation it's like he thinks I'm interrogating him. I always appoogize 1st just to make things better because if I confront him about hurting my feelings he gets pissed and mean which blows my mind because he never use to be that way.  He also lies a lot he did from day one and about really stupid stuff. He’s only had a few really bad ones in which I now look back and probably should have left then. But 90% of the time I would call him out on them because they weren’t really significant. I think I thought this would make him realize I just wanted honesty. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I’d explain that all I ever wanted was honesty the lies never quit. I feel so confused. His words and actions have not been on in the same and I'm certain he's fine and is over it and that thought hurts the most. Why is this so hard? I think I'd lose my breath if I ever saw him with someone else but I’m the one who is letting go. So why? I just wanted him to be happy and to know I would help him no matter what, even after all the crap he's pulled and I'm not saying it’s been all his fault I've pulled my fair share of crap too. I wish it was like it used to be but it's not.  I'm having a hard time because I'm still more concerned for him than myself which has always been the case anyway. I need to do this for myself this time and I keep trying to convince myself it will be fine but I guess heart break is never easy. Things of course have been much deeper than this and its only a small part of the big picture.  Has anyone else had this kind of experience? I just don’t know where else to turn.

[DiamondDee]

I know that exact feeling. Only difference is I didn't leave her yet. And I don't know how.

[diva1957]

You did right for yourself and for your boyfriend by ending the relationship. I realized from reading the posts here, the only way to have your addict/loved one back, is to let them go. He has to realize that he had lost you, as well as friends, property etc., in order to start taking care of himself. An addict has to hit bottom. Take care of yourself. Don't let him or anyone abuse you, no matter how much you love them. Do the right thing for yourself and, maybe, one day he will get help and look for you.
Good luck,
Diva1957

[imlettinggonow]

It's took me nearly 2 years to let go and I always knew this relationship wasn't what I'd been imagining and telling me self it was. It's so hard and there is no real easy way to do it. I felt so guilty after letting him go and  thats why I came here because I had no where else to turn. Everyday is hard I think about him all the time but I know this is better for him and I both. I can only hope that maybe he grows from this and makes a better life for himself. Letting anyone go is never easy. I think be people blur the line between love and in love and thats why people have a hard time moving on because they think they're still in love when they're not. Hopefully you'll find the support and helo you need in order to do whats best for you !!!!!  :)  

[imlettinggonow]

Thank you for your kind words! Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing and it can even break your heart. I'm learning that I have to put me 1st for once in my life and maybe then I'll finally see good things come my way! Thank you!

[DiamondDee]

The hardest thing to do in the world is to let go of someone you truly, deeply love and gives you back that same love. But bottom line is you have to get yourself better before you can help someone else get better.

[DiamondDee]

I wish I can take my own advise. It sure is easier said than done!

[ladykc81]

I am in the same boat. Last year my husband treated me like a queen, and this year i am the s... that he walks on. Im with diamond dee. I dnt know how to let mine go. All I can say os pray to God for guidence and he will show the way out of all this hurt and sadness that u are feeling. I totally understand what you are going through. God Bless You

[imlettinggonow]

I resemble that remark it’s like pot kettle black. I just wish it didn't hurt. I feel like he believes I'm the one that caused it all that I made him miserable. I hate that feeling it makes my stomach turn.  Like you said though, you’ve got to let them get better on their own. Now I've learned theres no use in lending a hand when it isn’t wanted you’ll only end up  getting hurt.

[imlettinggonow]

I hope you find the guidance you're after just don't let anything distract you from what’s best for you. It took me far too long to see what was in my best interest and some days, like today, and even this very second I’d take it all back if it would only make things right but all I can do it heal and move on. The idea hurts and it’s feels like it’s going to take forever to just be happy again. I hate it. We just have to push forward, pray, keep our fingers and toes crossed and hopefully there will be light at the end of the tunnel. :)

[DiamondDee]

I really need guidance. It kills me when she goes on planning this wedding we may not even have. I feel shame to not tell her the difference but every time I confront her with her lies she makes up a believable lie to cover it up or just denies it altogether...its tough I tell ya!

[imlettinggonow]

Well a wedding is a major deal and you can't continue sweeping issues under the rug. I use to believe all the lies and convinced myself that the lies we're harmless.  I’d trick myself into thinking they weren’t lies but miss understandings. However, if someone asked me for examples I could list at least 100 “small” lies without even thinking about it and 5 major ones.  I don’t know why I put up with them for so long either because in my right mind when my heart wasn’t in control of my brain I would have left a long time ago. To this day I get sick thinking about all the lies but one day it just hit me. I remember making myself self-sick from crying because I finally just had too much evidence and I couldn’t convince myself otherwise.  You just have to trust yourself and know there will come a day were you won't be able to take the lying anymore and that you will have the strength to do what’s right for you.

[diva1957]

The addict/loved one will blame you because you are the closest and the only one willing to take his ****. Don't accept the blame. This is your only power. My wife does the same thing when, in fact, her problem is that she prefers complaining to finding solutions.