Jail

My daughter is in jail tonight for a few hours only.  Bond is set at $250 and we are not bonding her out because all she's going to do is go back and do more drugs when she leaves the jail.  She will find a way to get out anyway though.  I couldn't bear to contribute to her doing drugs any more.  She called me collect from jail.  First time in a month I've heard her voice.  She said she's on suboxone and she's dope sick and its not fun to be dope sick in jail.  She wouldn't be dope sick if she were on suboxone would she?  

There might be more charges filed later but for now all they had was the failure to appear in traffic court warrant.

Its just so sad.  

Jane

[atthebeach]

hi hun, well hopefully they wont have the $250 to bail her out. no she wouldnt be sick from dope if she was on suboxone. of course she called you when she needs you. i am sure she was shocked when you said no. good girl. that was the only thing you could do. you did good. they will give her methadone, they dont want them sick. my daughter told me they gave her methadone when she went in and was sick. they picked her up for a traffic court warrant? if they have anything else on her i am sure they will charge her soon. why would they set bail and let her out if they have other charges pending? hun this is coming to a head very soon. still praying for a miracle. what did she say when you said no?
it is very sad. she is sad too. i asked my husband just before and he said debbie of course we know we are doing the wrong thing. we just are so stuck in the addiction it is very hard to think right, reason and to admit.
they are also very afraid of the w/d.
holding you tight my friend, GOD is with her, she isnt alone.
hugs and many prayers
debbie

[dominosarah]

You did the right thing by not bailing her out or believing her.  She is dope sick right now cuz she cant get a fix in there.  She will probably be bailed out by somebody but she is now on their radar.  It is just a matter of time before they get her on more serious charges.  Keep your chin up Jane, i know this is tough but for right now you did a good thing for her by denying her the money.

[10356]

Hi Jane.. she could be using sub junkies use this in between money. it keeps the wd at bay for a couple of days.. there is no way she can afford a program out get enough money for a month supply they are very expensive on the street and very valuable;
If she can not bond out they will hold her till she is up in front of the judge and if they have no other charges by then she will be let go, need to appear our pay a fine.
I'm sorry you are going thru this but Proud of you for not contributing to her addictions.. she is safe tonight I hope you are able to get good sleep..
I have not heard of to many jails that offer methadone maybe if you are on a script but a junkie they will let you detox...  lesa

[sadmom999]

When I said no and that everything we do for her winds up helping her to do more drugs she told me that she figured we wouldn't help her and she doesn't have time to talk to me she has another phone call to make.  Just like that, ready to cut me off.  She only got 5 minutes on the phone but she did tell me she doesn't have the cell phone anymore and that she thought we didn't want to hear from her.  I started crying and begging her to get help and told her we'd pay for inpatient rehab and she said she loves me too and she has to go.  She sounded shocked I was upset and said she'd find a way to contact me when she gets out.  I wish I could believe that.

I asked at the jail and they said they don't give methadone or subs to addicts at this particular jail, the nurse gives them nausea/diarrhea medicine and supplements.  As much as I don't want her to suffer, I'm kinda glad they don't give those things.  If she were in there longer it would stop her from withdrawing.  If she wanted to be on subs, our prescription plan covers them!  When she was in rehab it was $75 for a whole month.  She obviously isn't ready to quit.

About the added charges, they are still investigating.  They are not confirming or denying they have something else coming.  I was impressed with all the police officers and jail employees I spoke to yesterday.  They weren't mean, they were very caring and sympathetic to the situation.  I'm sure they could get mean, but in this situation they were kind.

If I do hear from her I will let you know.

<3 Jane

[10356]

Jane I would make sure your daughter is home before you offer her a sub program.. a script of sub could get a lot of heroin.. I just want you aware.. as scarey as detox looks everyone of us addicts have been thru it and survived Yes even heroin.. Sub wd takes much longer..
I was glad she responded to your tears Jane she loves you.. my prayer today is she gets tired of living this way.. lesa

[sadmom999]

Lesa,

I have thought of that too.  When she left her apartment to relapse she took the rest of the subs she had there with her.  She was already back on heroin so she obviously sold them for drug money.  I agree about coming home.  She needs inpatient rehab, period.  Subs without rehab are just switching one addiction for another.  Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness and staying a step ahead.  You're the best!  Her ex called the jail today just to see and she's still in there!  So I guess its a waste of drug money for the dirtbag to get her out?  Hope she realizes that.  And he has her car all to himself.

Jane

[sadmom999]

Still in jail.  I signed up for a notification service so I will know when she gets out by text.  I have such mixed feelings about her being in there.  I know she suffering but then its for her own good.  Its the only thing that might make her think about things.

I wish I could talk to her and bring up the fact hat her "friend" is out there driving her car and taking care of himself while she sits there in jail.  I guess she will figure that out by herself...  

[dominosarah]

Let her figure out what is going on with her car and everything else.  If you try and talk to her it will just fall on deaf ears.  I am actually relieved to hear she is still in jail as she is safe and not using.

[10356]

I feel the same sara.. she is safe mom Jail is not what a lot of peps have in mind. it suxs becuase your Freedoms are taken away..There is a nurse there and they are experienced in detox.. very. It is giving her time away from him and this is a Good thing... I know you never in your wildest dreams envisioned this for your daughter But you also have to remember she is not stupid nor is she mentally handicapped she will figure this out..
I sure hope you have slept these last couple of nights as Sara has said she is safe..

[sadmom999]

She called me today from jail.  You won't believe this, she actually asked me to call those dirtbags and ask them why they are taking so long to bond her out!  I calmly got their phone number from her (for future reference) and then said No.  I'm not bonding her out myself because I don't want to help her go back there and do drugs so why would I call them and ask them to do it?  Thank goodness her sister was here to remind me, she had my head spinning and I was actually sitting there thinking should I do it or not?  I'm starting to think I"M mentally handicapped!

Anyway, she tried the "i'm going to have a seizure, they won't give me enough depakote", well that didn't work with me, then she tried getting angry and accusing me of not wanting to help her, that didn't work cause getting her out of there WON'T help her, then she said that I don't understand what's REALLY going on there and I shouldn't assume I know...  I'm not ASSUMING anything, I DO know.  Her ex found foil with h residue on it in the bathroom when he was packing to move yesterday.  She was smoking heroin before she ran.

I asked her if she's thought about her future and she said we will when she gets out.  I told her how her future is going to be in jail long term if she keeps on the track she's on.  They won't be able to bond her out with more substantial charges.  

Well I guess I feel a little better that at least I got to say that much to her before we got cut off.  And I told her to check her facebook messages when she's out because that's how I want to communicate with her when she doesn't have a phone.

Thanks for everything.

Jane

[10356]

Actually this made me smile for You..... Good on you Mom !! They will not spend 250 to bail her out.. no way in hell. They are set they feel. they have a free car 1 less person to have to share with They will let her sit there...
You are not mentally challenged lol you love your daughter and You are doing the very best things of her.. what a Good mom you are Jane.. going against everything in your heart to listen to your Brain.. Proud of you !!!!! lesa

[sadmom999]

Thanks Lesa :-)  Its really hard to ignore your instincts and talk yourself out of what you really want to do...  Well, last time they kept her car when she went to rehab her ex and I reported it stolen :-D  Things like that might slow them down a little.  In the beginning I was afraid to do anything to get them in trouble, but now I see, the only chance of helping my daughter is to do everything I can to put heat on them.  So be it.

I appreciate you holding my hand through this, I so need it.

Jane

[atthebeach]

i didnt think they would bail her out. she is detoxing that is good. she is safe that is good. i thought about reporting the car stolen. is it  in your name? if so i would efinitely report it stolen.  what happened with that charge last time?  hun you are doing exactly what needs to be done. you are re-enforcing your love for her. you are not enabling her. you are telling her what she needs to hear. i am very proud of you. :)

[sadmom999]

Debbie,

The car isn't in my name unfortunately.  She has called me 3 more times this afternoon.  Its so hard to hear her beg.  She said I don't understand what its like, everyone she knows is ignoring her calls, nobody has even tried to place a bond.  Even her family won't help her.  I told her I'm sorry she's in this position but the reason we aren't bonding her out is because we don't want her to continue poisoning herself and that's what she's going to do if she gets out now.  Then I told her they aren't going to use their money bonding her out and are probably out there driving her car around.  These are not nice people and they aren't her friends.  

She said she would come home to rehab "if I don't have to be here for court".  I really don't know what to say.  Shes said she would do rehab before I feel like its a trick to get me to bond her out.  She said if we don't bond her out she will never speak to any of us again.

[dominosarah]

Dont fall for her poor me and i will do this and that stuff now.  She needs to sit her time and feel the burn.  It is the safest place for her right now.  In jail we make so many promises to anyone who will listen and do what we want.  A forced rehab isnt the way.  We are masters at this game.  For true sobriety it has to be our decision and not under these circumstances.  Keep standing your ground as tough as it is.  

[sadmom999]

Thanks Sara.  You are a master at sensing weakness, whenever I start to weaken, you KNOW and step in!  Thanks for the intervention, lol, I'm not falling for it.  I was just trying to figure out how she could possibly do this by herself even if she wanted to.  Overthinking again, that's me.  

Well, I got a text message from the jail last night at 1:15 a.m. they bonded her out.  Guess I won't hear from her anymore and I suppose that's ok if that's how she wants it.  I was thinking, she knows I come here for advice, could she have told them and they might be reading this?  It seems like as soon as reporting the car stolen and I said I told her they wouldn't waste money on her and are probably driving her car popped up they bonded her out...  Well, if they are reading this they can just forget living off us and figure out another way of getting their drug money and hotel rooms.  It isn't happening anymore.  Like I told her yesterday when she called me from jail, nobody's answering her calls because every clean, responsible person she's ever known she's screwed over already.  I also told her she will wind up in jail long-term if she keeps doing what she's doing.  Her choice.

Jane

[10356]

I'm surprised they bailed her out.. If they are reading this then they know they will not be able to get anymore from you your family Our friends.. These guys started out as the bad guys Your daughter a victim This is no longer the case. Your daughter is now them.. You will get her back when she is ready to clean up.. maybe she believes she loves this guy that can give her Nothing.. but mom a junkie is Never a successful junkie we Always get taken down.. the cops our dealers whatever we get taken down. be patient ok so sorry she is out I was hoping she would detox and let some sense flow back into her brain.. so sorry.. lesa

[dominosarah]

If she is reading this then she is hating on me big time!!  An addict never likes when someone figures us out!  I have strong shoulders!!

[10356]

as do I !!!

[sadmom999]

LOL!  I don't think they are, but if they are reading this, then yes what I have been telling my daughter has been confirmed and reinforced by a lot of people who KNOW from firsthand experience what will and won't help her.  If they don't like it then that's their decision.  Their grandparents and mother have enabled them their whole lives from what I can tell, and are they in any better shape than they were when they started using drugs, however long ago that was?  No they can't be, they are in their mid-twenties and are still sponging off their grandparents, no car, no job, no life except for being criminals and addicts.    

Well, at least she got 3 days to think in jail without them around.  I hope she thought about her future a little, not the immediate future when she's going to smoke heroin and knock herself out, but the rest of her life...  

Thanks, friends.  You care about others, something someone who is an active addict cannot and will not do.  I appreciate your support.

Jane

[sadmom999]

I'm not afraid of those punks either.  They have to drug the poor girl to keep her around, what else do they have to offer anyone?

[dominosarah]

They are all feeding off each other right now.  Each one plays a part in their drug world.  It is a very dark dark he!! hole.  We learn very quickly how to play the game to get what we need.  The further they go down the sloppier they get.  They will all get caught.

[sadmom999]

I'm just so tired of the stress.  She said if I didn't bond her out of jail I would never hear from her again and I'm starting to think she meant it.  What good would talking to her be if I have to pay her so she can buy drugs with it or get her out of jail so she can resume her habit?  She isn't my daughter right now anyway, she's a whole different person when she's on drugs.  Hoping she wakes up soon.

[sadmom999]

On the bright side, my other daughter came home from college and brought a kitty with her!  I haven't had a cat since I was a little girl and I'm having so much fun with her.  I haven't laughed and meant it for months till now...

[Tunney]

OH Wow!!! Your college daughter delivered the goods!!! Just what the doctor ordered!!!! I am so happy that you can find some laughter.....it's a GREAT stress reliever!

I have had a stomache for 3 consecutive days...i think it is the stress! I am trying my best to keep it at bay....but i know it is easier said than done! It
takes it's toll that's for sure!

I  hold on to you as an example on how to cope, knowing i'm not the only sad mom! You remain in my thoughts and prayers!

[dominosarah]

We all lay that "i will never talk to you again" card on the table when we dont get what we want.  She is starting to understand you mean business but she will still try and see how far she can push you.  Keep standing your ground.

Tunney, yes this is the stress that is eating at you.  Try eating some bland foods.  You need to stay healthy.

I know this is the worst thing you ladies are going thru so i am sending both of you a cyber hug~~Be good to yourselves, you are worth it~~sara

[sadmom999]

Tunney, I feel bad for you being so upset your stomach aches.  I too went through that during the 2 1/2 weeks I was searching for her and staying in a hotel.  I was even bleeding, hope you don't get that bad!  I went through several bottles of Pepto and it didn't take away my symptoms, only made them tolerable.  You need to try and pamper yourself, even if only a little.  I know its hard to think of anything else, but you need to.  Without your health you will be in no shape to help when the time comes.  The cafe at my hotel had really great mac n cheese and I ate it every day.  That and mashed potatoes!  Usually I stay away from those things because they are fattening, but when they are all you can eat, they really hit the spot and the calories/fat don't mean anything.  Nothing like comfort food on an iffy tummy!    Are you sleeping?  Probably a dumb question...  Debbie on this board told me about a sleep supplement that's over the counter, its natural and you don't wake up feeling hung over, its called Alteril.  You might want to try it if necessary.  It doesn't knock me out, but before I started taking it I would sleep 1/2 hour at a time and kept waking up all night long, now I sleep 5-6 hours straight and wake up feeling LOTS better than I have in a long time.

I am forcing myself to think of other things since there's nothing I can do to help my daughter till she's ready.  It still hits me on and off all day and night but in between I'm getting better at distracting myself.  Hang in there, we will get through this.  You are important to your family and they need you so take care!

Jane

[sadmom999]

Thank you so much Sara.  You are so comforting.  I am thanking my lucky stars I have you and everyone else here for support, without you all I would definitely have an ulcer already (at least!!!).

You know, it seems like that comment about never hearing from her again was a temper tantrum.  Seems like she has lost touch with what it means to be an adult and taking responsibility for herself.  Keep on pushing to try and find a weakness, they will support me, I'm almost 24 years old they will keep handing me money no matter how I treat them or what I do with it...  

Hope you have a good day, you deserve it.  You do so much for others...

Hugs,
Jane  

[atthebeach]

jane i am so glad your daughter came home with her baby.lol. that will be a great distraction for you. i am sure you are so happy that they are there. she is going to live and look for a job near you?
i am so glad that you are getting some sleep :)
the threats are just that threats. her attempt at trying to continue to manipulate you and have the upper hand. she doesnt know how to respond to you because you have always given in to her requests,demands and threats. you are doing awesome mom. you are setting up boundaries and that is what she needs now. the enabling is done. she has to stand on her own two feet. however weak they are right now. she will come to her senses.
remember there is always hope......
keep the faith.
take care of you and spend some much needed time with your daughter
hugs and continued prayers and support
debbie

[sadmom999]

Debbie,

My daughter who is graduating just told us she wants to move to another state, a 8-12 hour drive from here.  Nice.  Just what I needed.  She is still looking for a job and the most I can do is hope she finds one close to home that she loves first!  I want her to be happy but I really don't think she's old enough to realize how important it is to have family and how you can be happy anywhere under the right circumstances.  We'll see.  On top of that, my paralyzed incontinent wheelchair dog has bladder cancer and he's getting toward the end of his life.  We went to the vet last night and ultrasound confirmed its cancer and he doesn't have long left before we have to let him go.  Ugh.  Might as well put a one-way sign on the door here!  Everyone is leaving and not coming back.

Still no word from the other daughter.  I think she meant it when she said I would never hear from her again.  Hope she changes her mind but if enabling her is the only way we will hear from her then we are just going to have to let go.  We can't and won't do that.  We love her too much to help her kill herself.

Jane

[Tunney]

Awhhh.....I feel your despair.....not sure what to say to help! Makes you think what more can go wrong! Soo...  much loss at one time.But you
MUST believe things WILL get better!!!
We have always had 2 dogs...an English Bull Dog and a Boston Terrier...i swear as i get older i am less able to cope with loss and it takes me longer to get over it. It seems we have our dogs for such a short time! Odd how
our experiences seem to be running parallel.....as i am anxiously awaiting
the outcome of our 11 yr old Boston who is in surgery at this moment. My daughter (a Vet ***'t) loves that dog so, and she doesn't even know what's
happening!
A year ago when all the drug issues first became apparent, my daughter  had an emergency appendectomy (it had perferated and she was pretty sick) Being a couple of hours away, i arrived just after they took her into the E.R. I can't tell you how many nurses keep telling me how she kept asking for "her Mom" and "Is my Mom here yet?" I can't tell you how i cling
to that memory. I have got to believe that our daughters love us and that when they are in enough need it is their Moms that they will want and it will be us who they will call out for!!!  
I guess it is our job to stay well so we are there for them when they call!
Much thanx to you and Deb for the stomach advice....it is somewhat improved.....i am wound up so tight....seems like everything is out of whack!
I am certain you know the feeling too well!!
Please do not give up hope......don't let yourself get depressed! Life can change for the better just as quickly as it shovels out the worst!
My thoughts and prayers are there with you!

[Tunney]

My appologies......it was sarah who suggested the bland food and hugs!
Her AND atthebeach offer so freely of their time with their support. Where
would we be without it?

[anonymousfromwv]

My dad has been addicted to drugs for at least fourteen years, and it all started with him taking oxycontin for a supposed back injury.  I say supposed because he has lied for as long as I can remember about everything, even things that seem totally illogical for an individual to feel the need to lie about.  

Over the past several years it has really spiraled out of control and he now shoots up anything he can get his hands on--roxys, opanas, heroin, and I even found empty boxes of fentynal patches in his room.  I don't know the exact amount he does but I know one day a couple of months ago when he was crying and begging me for help again until he could "get his prescription straightened out" that I calculated he was shooting up one to two pills per hour.  

Anytime I have tried to help or say anything to him he has gotten down right cruel with me.  He has told me he doesn't have a problem and that I am a liar or mellow dramatic, and it is worth pointing out at this point that I have always had and still have "daddy issues."  He has never shown me love, affection, or kindness and I have always been a basket case over it, especially when I see him showing it to other kids in our family--cousins and what not. I never get calls, visits, or even so much as a birthday card from him.  I only hear from him when he needs money or my help to get something he wants. I won't get too much onto that side tangent though.  I just wanted to briefly touch on the dynamic between us so maybe you can understand why I feel the way I do and behave the way I do toward him.  

He has lost everything, and I do mean everything as well as taken thousands of dollars from everyone around him.  He has no home, no car, and no posessions.  My Grandmother was letting him live with her despite his stealing and abuse until about two weeks ago when she told him to get out and said she didn't care what happened to him she couldn't take living that way anymore.  At that point he moved into his dealer's house.  His dealer is the biological brother of his girlfriend who also happens to be using and married.  We knew none of this at the time.  We suspected he went to the dealers house because he has nowhere else to go, but we didn't know any of the rest.  So when the State Police showed up at my Grandmother's to arrest him on a bench warrant and she told him he wasn't there I gave directions to the State Police and when they couldn't find it my brother pointed the house out to them since I am in another state now.  By the way I moved away thinking it would make things better somehow and surprise surprise it hasn't.  I should also point out that when we found all of this stuff out we also found out that three people had died in that house so far from overdoses and no one had heard from him in a week so we were terrified he was laying in there dead.  

After forty minutes of beating on the door he finally came downstairs and turned himself over to the police and claimed to be having chest pains and not to have heard them.  They took him to the hospital and then the jail.  He originally said he hates me and my brother's to my Grandmother and that it was our fault he was there.  He even told me that when she gave him my phone number to call me.  He said if I would have left him alone he would have gotten his settlement and would have paid everything off and they would have waived his bench warrant.  He also said he has been clean for four weeks....which is another lie.  

Now he keeps begging me to call this person and that person because there is no bail set for him.  He is even crying and telling me he loves me and promising to sign paperwork to release medical paperwork from the methadone clinic to show he has been going there and hasn't failed any drug tests...another lie.  I am weak.  i won't like I have made several calls for him but no one is returning them and I don't expect they will.  This isn't the first time he has been in trouble and he has four pending felonies right now that I know of.  He has been selling a lot of stuff multiple times to different people and selling land that he doesn't have a clear deed too.  

I am physically sick.  I have so many mental and physical health issues, the mental health issues mainly the result of a lifetime of dysfunction and abuse in my family.  This is only making them worse.  I am keeping headaches, I can't sleep, and I am having horrible gastro-intestinal issues, and as I am typing this I am hurting in my chest.  My resting heart beat after I have calmed down is 123 beats per minute.  Please help me.

[sadmom999]

Anonymous,

I so understand where you are right now.  Its so upsetting to go through what you are...  What you need to do is focus on YOU.  Try to not allow your father to bring you down with him any further than he already has, you do not deserve this, you didn't cause his problems and you cannot fix them.  Only he can take charge of his life.  Have you thought of not accepting his calls from jail?  If you did that it would not make you a bad person, nothing you could possibly do will truly help him anyway, only he can fix this, but it IS hurting YOU.

I would like to suggest you start a new thread with your own subject line so more people can see it.  You didn't do anything wrong by posting here but because its an old thread very few people will see it.  Just go to the top of this page and click on "Post a Question" and type away!  You could even copy and repost what you wrote here.  More people will be chiming in and helping you.

Please keep coming back!  We want to help you!  The people here are amazing and will stick with you until you feel better.  

[dominosarah]

Hi~~

Copy and paste what you have written above.  At the top of the page you will find a Post Question in green.  Click on that and paste.  That way you will have your own thread.  Oh, i just saw sadmom said the same thing!!