Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
Loving an addict..
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Loving an addict..

I am not the addict, in fact I am completely sober and have never battled addiction.  My dbf on the other hand, has done everything under the sun.  My question is, as his girlfriend, and mother to his 3 mo. old dd.  What do I do?  I am to the point now, where I am just ready to let him go. I dont want to put up with more lies, deception and drugs.  I chose to live my life better than that.  Can anyone offer words of advice to me and how to handle the situation?

Tiffiny
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I am also in love with an addict.  It is hard.  I have chosen to stick by her for as long as possible.  I don't have any advise, I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain.  I am only a year and a half into this relationship and I found this site, which was a lifesaver for me.  I also knew nothing of addiction and was totally clueless.  The people here are wonderful and supportive and informative.  

I can't tell you to let go or hand in there.  But I can say that I know how you feel and I am here for you.  Stay here and read and post and pray and I know you will find the right answer.

Debbie
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i read some of your jorney thus far.  He and I have also only been together a year and a half.  My father is an addict, so I have some knowledge, but I have let my father go.  It is different when you actually love someone.  I was young when my dad left so I was okay with that.  My dbf and I have an open line of communication, I am just completely fed up.  He says he is changing and blah, blah, blah, but I just am at a point where his words mean nothing to me.  He has told so many lies that believing him and trusting in him is just not there.  I just dont know where to turn.  I want him to seek professional help, he thinks he is doing okay on his own.  I just dont know anymore.

Tiffiny
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Well, I can tell you what worked for me.  My wife, who was also clean and never addicted to anything, gave me the choice between: a) just going away (for good); and b) going away to rehab and whatever after-care was necessary to make her feel that it was safe to let me back into the family home with her and our 4 kids.  

I picked "b" and was able to come back into the home just 4 months later . . . with some significant strings attached.  First, I was to be active (and stay active) in a Recovery program, i.e. AA or NA, and go to an addiction counselor.  Second, I was to be subject to random drug screens, by her, whenever she asked.  On those screens I'm subject to a strict one-strike rule  -- a positive on a home-test would be checked (immediately) by lab testing, but if I get a positive it will be "pack your trash" time.  These tests have been a HUGE help to me.

I have now been back home for almost 25 months and we're still on the same plan.  My number of AA meetings is down to an average of only 5 a week and I now see the counselor only once a month.  My drug screens are still random, but not too frequent anymore -- I'm not even sure that we need them anymore because a return to the isolated and defensive existence  that is required to keep active addiction a secret would be immediately noticed as very different behavior.

I think I am very lucky and blessed to have a wife that somehow intuitively understood the nature of addiction.  Since she first discovered my secret she has taken a very hard-line, no prisioners approach with the disease.  She would tell you that she loves me, but HATES the disease of addiction.  She'll do pretty much anything to save me from the disease, but she has drawn the line at allowing a man in active addiction to be anywhere near or kids.  I have no doubt that her stance has not only saved my life, but it has fully restored a family that was in trouble.

Addiction must be viewed as a the worst kind terrorist.  It's just like Reese described the Terminator: "It can't be reasoned with, it can't be bargained with...it doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear...and it absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead."  

If you allow addiction to be active in or near your loved ones it will destroy them.

CATUF
Day-875
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I totally know what you mean about they think they are doing fine accept they are not.  I'm sorry you are so fed up.  You must in so much turmoil and I know it sucks.  I am still to the point where I am totally commited to this woman and am holding on with all my heart.  I know she loves me and that we are so good together and you have probably heard me say before, that besides this, everything else with us is phenominal.  She is perfect for me and I am perfect for her.  I still believe that we are going to make it.  I believe she is going to get better.  I believe that she can be, with God's help and all the support she has, be victorious over all of this.  

I don't know if you know but she has been an addict for many years, but has spent more time clean than not.  So she is well aware of recovery, where she is at and how to get where she needs to be.  I am not sure what is holding her back, but she is going to be talking to her therapist today about it.

I am sorry you have seemingly come to the end of your rope.  I hope he will see what he is about to loose and get some help.  

Keep in touch.

Debbie
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I too hope he wakes up before it is too late.  I have three small children at home, and I do NOT for one second want them to think it is okay to live like this.  Watching my dad while growing up made me strive to be a better person.  I knew I would never be an addict, because I did not want to be like him.  I think maybe it is time for me to take the stance that CATUF's wife and tell him pack for either good or rehab.  We have all five of our kids tonight, so not a good night to try to talk.  Hopefuly tomorrow I can have a conversation with him.

Tiffiny
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Wow, I am so glad that worked for you and congrats on 875 days.  I hope with me it never comes to that.  I hope she will see what is happening and stand up straight.  I believe she will although, today, believing is hard.  Remembering with all my heart that it is not about me, that it is her struggle and really there is nothing I can do to make it different accept take care of myself and my chilren and of course...love her.  So that is what I am doing today.

Tiff,

I hope this goes well for you.  I will be thinking of you and your man.  

Debbie
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I too love and live with an addict so my heart goes out to you.  It's really tough but I guess what we have to ask ourselves is if our love alone can stand this addiciton...because as for me the trust, honesty and bond was all disrupted by these pills....all I felt all I had left was love.  And there have been times when the look in his eyes seemed to be pure "hate" for me.(I think because I"m so conveneint and my love is unconditional).  Kinda like he can take it out on me and we both know it will hurt but in the end I will still be by his side.  Reading posts here from this board has taught me a lot about what he's going through and helped me to understand that I'm not alone...loving an addict.  We gotta have lotsa love~~~the greatest fruit of the spirit.

You will be in my prayers my friend.
deb
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I could not have said it any better myself.  You just spoke the words that are in my heart, deb.  Good to know there are others that love like I do.

Debs
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wow  i love this post in ur wifes line in the sand!!!

I just started dating a man 9 months ago April 2011)...day 1 he told me he smokes pot...5 months into us casually dating each other and others,(sept 2011)  he takes me his parents home/family home for special dinner.  

Driving me home last sept he tells me he was addicted Heroine for while, oxycotins before that...went into detox, been clean 5 years...sees Dr weekly etc..I was petrified couldnt believe its true etc...

Moving forward still dating others, non exclusive, this Dec, I tell him i am more serious w a man and will move 5 hours away to be closer to him...this is true, I am laid off, no family nearby etc...well, its here when he opened up, expressed his love, tried desperately to talk me out of moving...

this was 2nd to last wk of dec 2011 over next couple days told all his friends and family about me, how I was real woman, innocent, gorgeous, smart, natural etc...

He talked me out of moving away, and asked me to try a relationship with him...asked me move in with him, i declined that, he asked me to move closer to him, I said id look etc...he has offered to help me find job with his friend who owns company etc...talks about me to his parents, introduced me to his sister from across country who was on vacation here etc...cousins have met me...it is the most loving, inclusive, real boyfriend ive had in 6 yrs...

here is my issue:  he told me over xmas that he took xanax 10 days earlier...WTF? I hoped the addiction was over...do i draw the line in sand? or politely tell him I need to move on...I am scared of a future with him if he is gonna" eat pills."..I dont want to ignore his calls and texts (passive) and just tell him go away when he drives over cuz ive ignored him..do I give him an ultimatium?  ugh .


I wanna say: "Youve said you love me, youve said i am the type of woman you would take home to mom" You've told me you want to marry me" and I do have love for you, I do feel close to you BUT i cannot be with someone who is still taking random pills etc...whats the wording i should use?
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