Lying and Broke Promises...please help me get perspective

My fiance and I started dating 3 years ago.  When we first got together he told me that he smoked pot "in college and here and there after college."  I have never smoked due to my own preferences - nothing morally against it or anything other than I saw it really screw up a friend's life - and I was totally upfront about that, and the fact that I probably never would.  We left it at that, no judgement.  A couple of months later I attended a party with him and his friends for the first time, and I "caught" him smoking - meaning, I came out of the bathroom and he was taking a hit.  He said "Oh ****" and quickly passed it off.  I immediately said, don't worry, you don't need to hide it from me and probably clearly showed my displeasure for him acting like it was a big secret.  Then from there, I was with him at parties where he smoked quite a few times.  I don't find pot, cigarettes, or drugs attractive (even though I used to smoke cigarettes myself in HS/early college!) but that didn't mean I was going to break up with him or anything for it.  Everyone has unattractive habits and it's part of accepting someone for who they are.
We fell in love and got very serious in our relationship and started to talk about our future, etc.  Things were great for the most part.  Around the 8 month mark of our relationship, we went away for the weekend with his group of friends and he smoked SO much and was the most boring, mean, and stupid person - he was NOT the man I fell in love with.  I didn't like him like that one bit.  When we got back I sat him down and talked to him about how uncomfortable it made me to hear him say things like, "I want to smoke until I'm retarded" and go on to be such a jerk.  He said, please don't worry, it was a "special occasion" so he just wanted to party it up and go all out.  I let it go and did not bring it up again even though it left that quite unattractive image of him. He is several years older than me and I felt strange that *I* was the mature one in the relationship.
Two months later, I found out that he had been lying to me for our entire relationship.
I found out through a slip-up from his friend that they had hung out on a night where he told me he was "too tired" to see me and was going to bed early.  Then, I found out how often this had happened - nearly every week and probably more than once a week on many occasions.  I screamed, cried, sobbed... he cried, he begged and pleaded that I forgive him because he was "scared" that he would lose me if I found out about his habit.  My theory is - if you are THAT ashamed about something, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place!  (In addition, the reasons for the things that were damaging our relationship - he laziness, lack of focus, etc - started to become clear.)  I almost broke up with him and then the next day I decided to give him another chance.  He offered to quit smoking and I said that that wasn't what I wanted, I just wanted him to stop lying to me.  It was very tough to get back to a "good" place, but we made up and went on with our lives knowing that we were in love and felt that we were meant to be together.

Over the next couple of months things would crop up where he would smoke and I would get upset because of the feelings it brought up.  This was THE thing that put our relationship at risk, and he didn't seem to care how it could ruin us.  Until after he got his way, of course - then he'd be apologetic.  We celebrated our 1-year together and mutually decided that we were both in this for the long run, no matter what.  Then, I found out he lied again AND tried to cover it up.  Again, we almost broke up.  He begged, pleaded, etc, lather, rinse, repeat....just like last time.  Again, I told him he didn't have to quit for me - just STOP lying, and maybe, JUST maybe, be considerate of my feelings when the subject comes up.

Not too long after that we went tailgating at a football game.  I had to go to the bathroom and it was getting dark, so I asked him to walk me there so I wouldn't have to go alone.  Well, halfway to the bathrooms he says, "Okay, I'm going back," and turns around and nearly sprinted back to his friends.  I safely and angrily made my way to the bathroom and back... and came back to find that he rushed back so that he could get high and not be bothered by me.  My safety came second to his drug use and this is when I realized he had a problem.  I told him then and there - it was me or pot.  Simple as that - what's more important?  He chose me and supposedly, since then, he's been clean.

He claims that even at times such as bachelor party weekends away, he hasn't smoked.  However, the smell of his clothes he unpacked afterwards lead me to believe that is a lie, and for some reason, I choose to believe it.  I'm almost sure he has smoked and hidden it from me since then - it has been a year and a half since that last incident and I have had my suspicions, but we rarely fought about it and I chose to trust him.  He knows, however, that him smoking not only would bring up painful feelings and memories for me, but that it would be the gateway for all the lies to start happening all over again - like last time.  I made it clear that he was responsible for his own actions, and if he cared about me more than he cared about a temporary high, there was a problem.

Things ended up great, and the wonderful relationship that was sometimes forgotten about under all the crap came back to life.  He got a great job, lost it, then got another job, and we worked very hard and moved in together.  A few months later we got engaged and had never been happier.  A few weeks later, after a party he started fighting with me about how he "can't keep those promises anymore" and was going to do whatever he wanted.  This was totally unprovoked and left me so confused and upset.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing He apologized the next day, told me he didn't mean it and that I shouldn't worry about it.  Then, he brought it up AGAIN another night again, but not as aggressively as before.  I know it's coming, and I know he's going to break down and smoke again with me around.  The worst part is that I know he is going to have NO remorse.  I know it has been a long time since everything that happened, and although I have forgiven him, I can't get past how upsetting it still is.

Tomorrow we are going to be around people that I know are going to be smoking pot.  I have a feeling that this is going to be a huge fight for us either way and I am dreading it.  I don't know what to do or how to feel.  Am I being unreasonable?  Should I still be upset about it even if it's a once in awhile thing?  Do I have the right to be upset or should I just let it happen even if it bothers me?  My feeling is, WHY should he be able to get away with that? And worse, what's to stop all this from happening again if he starts smoking again?  I think he seriously has an addiction, but of course, he does not accept that and I don't think his friends would either.

Please help me gain some perspective on this situation.

[RockRose]

This is WAY too long a story.  He smokes weed,  you don't want him to,  this has been an issue in your relationship.   He tries to hide it, you find out and are angry.

Do you want to marry a guy who smokes weed?  That's up to you.  It's not more complicated than the tiny paragraph I wrote above.

[AnnieBrooke]

All the rationalizations in your post in the name of the depth of your mutual love (and the reference to what his friends think) make it sound like you are afraid you will somehow seem hopelessly straightlaced if you tell him that the dope is a deal-buster for you.  You act like you think you can argue him out of his desire to smoke it if you just think of the best arguments.  

You're thinking of marrying and having children with a guy that hasn't been reliable about holding a job, lies, evades, blames, acts sulky when he doesn't get his way, (and, to add to the fun, might get arrested for possession sometime).  This is not the first profile I'd think of when defining a reliable life partner.  Plus all your rationalization -- do you really want your kids to see you model behavior like tiptoeing around the smell of the clothes after Daddy's been on a trip, because to say something would blow the illusion that everything is OK?  It just all sounds bad, his using and trying to hide it from you, and your willingness to go along because of all that deep love.  Love should not hamstring your common sense.

[dominosarah]

The first thing you need to know about an addict is their first love is the drug.  We will do whatever it takes to chase that high.  Giving him the ultimatum of picking you over the drugs is pointless.  That just makes the addict even more sneakier.  Until he is ready to come clean and be accountable for his drug behavior this will continue.  The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.  Something has to change here and it is you.  You cant control him, all you can do is control how you react to the situation.  Check out alanon or get into some type of counseling.  It will help you understand yourself better.  You as the other party in this relationship become just as sick as the addict himself.

[Dannics93]

I read your story and it reminds me do much of the boat I'm currently in. My fiancé and I are having a baby and he keeps smoking not just weed but legal spice as well. The other night he was speeding and we got pulled over (at the point he had supposedly quit) they searched him and found pot and a pipe. I was devastated and heartbroken which doesn't go well with my hormones being 9 months pregnant. I've felt for a while now that I can't trust him and when I look at him I see the guy I fell inlove with, but at the same time I see a stranger. I told him it's means his daughter or getting high, he keeps saying he's quitting, but I can't believe a word he says. I can't completely blame him for being so dependent on something, he got it from his mom. His mother has never let him do for his self and was the first to get him started on drugs. He can't cope well with stress because the way she raised him so he turns to getting high. I try to lead him in the right direction with advice and lettinghim know I believe in him but she tells him he can't so he never changes. I don't know if I should leave him or stay but I know one thing I'm not gonna have my daughter around this kinda crap. That's something you need to consider before you get trapped in that situation, is he the kind of father you want for your children? Odds are slim for both of us that our men are gonna change. You can still get out easily with no harm done. Don't let his tears and empty promises change your mind again from what you know is right, if you feel you can't stand living this way and want out youneed to stick with that and not change your mind. Stay strong<3