Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
MILLER : PART 3
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MILLER : PART 3

and you know...even though i already knew what was on the records...i mean...come on..you all told me that it was bad....its just that now that i know for a fact that there was way more to the sexting...you know.....that he was still talking to his drug friends....all of it...was shown on the records. i mean...i knew already what it was about. but having it confirmed is something else. the lady at rehab even told me that what would be on the records would be bad.

so, i dont know what i am going to do. i guess i got what i asked for, right? i said i wanted the complete truth...all of it. well...i sure as hell got it. i know all about what has been going on.

so, i appreciate all of your support you guys...i may be off for a while. i need to figure out what i am going to do.

my husband said to me yesterday...."i have given you everything that you asked for...met all of your boundaries. i am in rehab for myself, i am in counseling, i stopped drinking...and i gave you all of my phone records...and changed my number. i want to reconcile based on truth and honesty now that everything is out on the table. i want to save my marriage. dear god forgive me...i am begging god to forgive me. i have no power of these drugs and alcohol...and i am getting help. i take full responsibility for my actions...but i do need help. these women were my drug and alcohol party friends..they meant nothing to me. i want my wife. i am not going to stop fighting for my wife."

anyway....like i said i am just pissed.

i will post soon. thank you again for all your support. i need lots of virtual hugs.

rehab is on monday.

9 Comments Post a Comment
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Grrr.  I just replied, in a lengthy post, only to have it not accept it!!!  I will retry later.

MH!!!!!  Fix these issues!  :0(

Miller...thinking of you hon!
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The posting issues are suppose to be re-set & fixed with the cleanup tonight (Mon).   The 2000 character limit is applying to posts and shouldn't be.  I found out the hard way since I'm so mouthy and long-winded!

Miller....I've been following you for a long time; I'm not only an addict but have spent years and years loving other alcoholic/addicts,  I couldn't have made it without Al-Anon, their literature and their love.
The observation I made was that you were beginning to progress and so is your hubby.  Recovery pieces were starting to grow & fall into place.
Hacking into the email account and "needing" to read an OLD phone bill is similar to picking a scab over and over until it bleeds instead of letting it heal (and the it scars worse, too).  The details only caused you to RE-LIVE the old hurts and pains and stir up your heart again.  Once we start moving forward....we can't go back and re-visit the scene.  While under the influence of coke and alcohol, you already were learning it was NOT the hubby you love....loved.....and......still love.  It was not the clean and sober man your heart longs for and used to know so well.
It was a very sick man that behaved in ways he has admitted to you were shameful.  I was hurt VERY badly too, by an addict whom I love.  I had to re-train my mind to MOVE ON.  What you feed will grow.....and what you starve will eventually die.  Will you forget?  Will you never think of it?  NOOOO......but you won't dwell on it and keep it alive.
Praying for you and hoping rehab went well today.
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Let me try this again.

First....I want to re-quote ks above, this needs to be said more than once!

" Will you forget?  Will you never think of it?  NOOOO......but you won't dwell on it and keep it alive."
That's SO true honey!

I'm going to be honest with you.  For one, try not to be too hard on yourself about the e-mails.  I think MOST people would have a hard time not looking.  I'm not sure I would have the willpower not to want to read.  The thing is, like ks said, all you did is basically rip the wound open again, which you know.  

....(cont...)
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(....continued....)

REALLY...you already KNEW what you were going to find.  You may not have had confirmation that the sexting went any further, but you're no dummy...you KNEW that!  It was just seeing it all, laid out, in black and white....that was so unbearable.  You never really fully addressed the anger and emotions the first time around, and now you're having to face it all over again, only worse.

I know you've been working with the therapist, but like sarah has told you, you really need to deal with the codependency and enabling issues.  That's not to say you haven't dealt with them to a point, but obviously, what you were doing wasn't completely working.  I think something like Alanon, or Naranon woud be helpful too.  Self help books about being the loved one of an addict...those kinds of things.

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(continued...)
I also think that you guys moved WAY too fast.  You went from not hearing a peep out of this man, sitting at home ruminating and stewing, to having him at your house almost every day.  I told you before, and I'll say it again, it was TOO much too fast.  I know it's hard to navigate through this, and I KNOW you were trying to do the right thing, both for your marriage, and most importantly, your son, but all of that caused more confusion for you...you still had all of those pent up emotions, and yet there he was, every day.  Honestly, think about it, had you not seen him or heard from him, and read those e-mails, you would have been hurt, but I bet not to the extent you were.

What he said to you, in the email...he's RIGHT you know.  He IS doing everything you asked him to do.  You have your transparency, your openness, and he's working on himself in rehab.  There's still a LONG way to go, but he IS meeting the expectations you set.  That's a good thing.

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(continued....)
I wish I had some solid, easy, A-B-C type advice I could give you, but this is a tough situation with no easy, set-in-stone answers.  I would advise you to slow the visits down.  Come to an agreement for him to come like maybe 3 days a week?  Maybe for some of those visits, it would be good for you to have a friend come over, and while he's there, YOU go to Alanon, or the like.  Go work on yourself during some of those times.  Him being there makes you overthink everything.  I don't think you should always be there when he is.

I know you want your marriage to mend, and to keep your family together, and that IS possible, but you have to accept that this is going to take some time.  Even if you reconcilced tomorrow, you are still going to have the hurt, it will stay with you for a while, if not forever in some respects.  

You've had to come to terms with a lot of new information, about his addiction, his drinking, and the cheating.  In SOME ways, your world got ripped open, but in a lot of other ways, I don't think that you're being completely honest with yourself.  Things haven't been "okay" for quite some time.  You may not have known the full extent of what was going on, but you knew something.  THAT'S the denial, codependency issues that sarah has always tried to explain to you.  It's hard to hear I'm sure.  That's not to say that YOU are at fault for your husband's horrible choices, but you DID have a role in this.  THATs what you have to try and learn from, hon.  THAT's the part I don't think you were properly addressing up until now.  That's the kind of thing a support group like AA or NA would help greatly with.  You could learn from others who have lived it.

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(Continued...)

I can understand you needing a "break" from everything.  You know we're here to support you...and we do, no matter what you do and what you decide.  It's nowhere NEAR time to make any decisions.  Try to find some acceptance that you're in for a pretty long and difficult battle.  Along the way, you're going to have to address all of those emotions, the hurt, the betrayal, the anger.  You're also going to have to accept that while you CAN work on your marriage, things will NEVER be like they were again.  That's not to say it will never be GOOD again, hell, it may even be BETTER in some ways...but you have to let go of the old "you" (plural).

You're a strong woman...you've done an amazing job muddling through this impossible situation.  You've tried to do what you think is right.  There's no one, easy way to deal with this, as you know.  You now know EVERYTHING.  

In order to move forward, you DO have to stop looking.  That's unhealthy.  The intimate details only serve to cut deeper.  You have all the answers to all the questions that have lingered all these months.  Answers you probably already knew, but didn't have confirmation...now you do.  If you continue to read the emails, you're only torturing yourself, there's no point to it.  If you're going to get past this, you HAVE to start working on those feelings, and HAVE to start trying to accept that what happened, happened, as hard as it is.  You cannot change the past...you can only change TODAY and the future.  Dwelling on the past will leave you stuck.  

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(Continued..)
Also, for SOME people, this kind of betrayal is just too much.  You may be one of them. There's NO way you can know that now...now isn't the time to make any decisions, not with the unresolved emotions you have, and not without giving this a fair shake.  IF, after all of that, you decide you have to move on, that's okay too.  At that point, you and your husband would have to change gears and work towards formulating a plan to successfully co-parent your son.  You both sound like wonderful parents.  If it comes to that, I have no doubt you two will work something out.

I DO think, after some time has passed, and if he continues to do the things he's doing, reconciliation is totally possible.  But, you must work on YOU as well.  When one is in a marriage with an addict, the partner becomes sick too.

You know I wish you nothing but the best.  I hope you continue to stop in and update us from time to time (if you decide to take a break).  It's hard, when you've become invested in a person online to NOT worry and wonder about them.  We've been with you from the beginning.  We want to continue to support you as you go through this.  We may sometimes tell you things that are hard to hear, but that's because we DO care.  I DO think you have been spending TOO much time ruminating about this from the very beginning.  It's hard not to, I'm sure...but you've driven yourself batty overthinking so much of this, especially the details about the affair.  You need to give your head a break...pour yourself into some other things as well...hobbies, friends, family.  Distraction is a wonderful thing.  I also think you would be wise to start finding some books about infidelity and start reading.  That will help you so much.

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(Continued...)

Another thing, not so pleasant to bring up, is, be SURE you get checked out and have a full STD panel done, just as a precaution.  I know hearing that probably infuriates you (understandably), but it is just one of those "must do" kind of things in this kind of situation.

You have my love and my prayers, dear lady.  I will be checking back often to see how things are going.  You are always more than welcome to PM me at any time too.

Hang in there....you can only go up from here...I really believe that. XOXO

(GEEZ!  I sure hope MH gets this glitch fixed soon, how ridiculous!!!)
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