Mind games!

Please help me!  My daughter who was living with a very bad guy who used to sell her drugs (heroin) until he got caught says she has left him and is now in a shelter!   She just got paid on Friday, its all gone, and so is her phone, she has pawned it for the 2nd time in a week!  She is also dope sick because she probably stayed high all weekend using her entire paycheck now she has nothing... She is blaming me and her dad for her predicament because she said the boyfriend is a good guy and she left him to please us!  I told her she needs rehab and there are some charges against her that will be dropped if she goes to rehab.  I said I would book a flight to come out there and help her but now she won't answer my emails!  I told her we will not hand her money.  If we are going to help, it will be in person and money will go to REHAB.  She's really put the guilt on me again, I feel like a piece of dirt.  In my head I know none of this is my fault but I can't help but feel the panic about her situation...  I can't book a flight all the way across the country when I don't even have her word she will meet with me!  I'm sure you know about how much even her word is worth by now!  I don't know where she's staying and also she has no phone...  My hands are tied.  She's trying to make it so my only option is to give her money and I'm not going to do it!

Why does her rock bottom have to be mine too?  I'm so upset...

[atthebeach]

jane,
i am so sorry. my heart goes out to you again. i know the panic when you cant reach them. i was petrified when i knew my daughter had gotten arrested and was being sent to prison in the biggest city in the world. i knew how frightened she would be. i couldnt talk to her for a couple days and had no idea where she was in the system. no one could confirm. we let her stay in prison for 3 days, i wanted her to learn a lesson. if you break the law there are consequences.
i felt so terrible and guilty for doing that,i too had felt i failed her again.
jane i so urge you to really work on your recovery. the last 5 months in alanon have been so healing for me.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR OR YOUR HUSBANDS FAULT. it is her choices and hers alone.
i found out they had gotten kicked out of the bf mothers house and had slept in the car for a week. at that point why didnt she think that was bottom enough??
she is now home. i wasnt sure how much she was using. thank the LORD it turned out not to be that bad. the only withdrawal she is having is anxiety and sleep issues, little diarrhea. no sweats,no chills,no shaking. she has been very calm. we have layed down some fast and hard rules. this is her one and only bail out of jail and her last chance at living here if she breaks the rules again.
i hope and pray she reaches out to you and agrees to rehab. i definitely would not give her any money. stick to your guns.if she knows your offer about rehab then that gives her something to think about.
hugs,hope,prayers
debbie

[atthebeach]

definitely mind games,still very manipulative behavior  continuing to blame you. she isnt ready to take the blame for her actions and not ready to admit her addiction yet.
she isnt on the suboxone?
it is perfectly understandable to be upset by the fact that she is homeless.one answer to prayer is that he got arrested and is now out of her life. that is great.

[sadmom999]

Oh no, he didn't get arrested.  He's wanted but they can't find him.  She quit the suboxone and went back to heroin.  I'm not sure when.

[sadmom999]

She says she left him because of us but I don't think that's true.  Something else must have happened and she's jsut trying to use it to get something from us. He is still on the loose and all her things are in his place, wherever and whatever that is.  She got paid on Friday and has gone through 2 weeks of pay and pawned her phone just since then... She's in really bad shape, w/d's at work too.

I stayed up half the night making arrangements, I'm going out there and trying to persuade her in person to take the rehab offer.  If she doesn't take the offer I'm going to have to come back home without her, knowing she is lost.  It will be the hardest thing I will have to do if it comes to that.    I hoping she shows up to work today so I can show up there, if she doesn't I have no idea if I will even be able to find her at all.  With no phone, no address, no anything.  She has court tomorrow for her traffic warrant I might be able to get her there but need to find out which court it is.

I'm so terrified of finding her AND not finding her.  I will let you know what happens but don't have internet on my phone so it will have to wait till I get back.

[Jaybay]

You are absolutely right to insist that rehab is her only option and the only bill you are willing to foot for her.  She's dumping a classic guilt trip on you - probably just an attempt to get money.  I know it hurts but you are absolutely right!

Any chance you could track down a rehab facility in her area and hire an interventionist to work with you?  It may be worth making a few phone calls.  They deal with crisis situations like this all the time and since they're outside the situation, they can stay calm and objective and help you stay that way too.  When confrontation time comes around, you'll have someone by your side backing you up the whole way.  It's also a whole lot easier to get her to go if everything is set up ahead of time.

[atthebeach]

you are in my thoughts and prayers
hugs
debbie

[dominosarah]

Jane, how are things going?  I am a bit confused right now so hope you come back and talk with us.

[atthebeach]

hi jane,
how are things going?

[sadmom999]

Friends, its been a loooong 2 weeks.  I flew to Colorado not having any way to contact her or knowing where she is staying.  My only hope was going to her work and trying to contact her there.  Well, I got there and found out she was fired the day before.  They had no address or working phone for her.  

The next day, out of the blue, she called me, having no idea I am here.  Since then, she has insisted she wants rehab and she arranged for it all by herself...  It just hasn't happened yet, she keeps having cold feet and running.  she still won't tell me where she lives but I did get her minutes for a disposable phone and unlimited texts so I can contact her.  I have rescheduled my trip back home so many times that yesterday I finally told her this is it.  Take it or leave it.  If I'm not here rehab will not accept her, she has no money.  We have to do this TODAY and if she isn't ready that's just too bad.  I can't wait anymore   She told me she will come to the hotel this morning and I will take her to the emergency room.  She's in bad shape and detox won't take her till monday.  So the plan is:  emergency room this morning, detox tomorrow morning for 3-5 days, then straight transfer to rehab for at least a month, probably more.  I have my fingers crossed but believe me, the way this is going I feel very guarded.

the guy she's staying with is resisting her leaving, he's a drug dealer and control freak and he has been holding her against her will.  I have a text from her on my phone telling me "its not up to me whether I leave or not".  Last night I heard him screaming in the background when we were making plans that "I don't like this situation!!!"  I'm thinking he will give her drugs so she isn't pressed to come to me and go to the er.  I know she wants this, I hear it in her voice.  she knows she's dying...  She's admitted she's not only doing heroin and methadone, but cocaine, benzos and meth too.  Pretty much everything she can get.  I have called the police so many times since I got here and ridden around in cop cars looking for her.  I have gotten police reports and criminal histories and feel like my gps is gonna give out I've used it so much!  

I realize I might be too involved for my own good, but I really feel like she needs to know someone cares and is willing to help her... she's so drugged right now her brain isn't working at all!  I have notified the rehab that this guy and his brother are bad people with felony warrants and they are to be on the no contact list.  If they show up, they are to call the police and have them arrested and taken away.  With these two around, my daughter is never going to live a decent life.  After we spoke last night I got a text from "her" phone asking me the name of the rehab and the address!  She already knows that!  It was him planning on tracking her down!  I answered I didn't have it on me but will give it to her in the morning when I see her.  WTF

[atthebeach]

oh jane,
keep the faith, i am continuing to pray for you and your daughter. i am sure you are soooooooo exhausted. i am sure she is so happy that you are there. that is great that the police have even been helping you. i will pray for her safety and for her to beable to get away from him and to meet you.
thank you for the update.
hugs,hope,lots of prayers
debbie

[sweetmomloves3]

I am praying for you too. I know the hell you are going through, as we too, are in that same hell. I feel like this has been a 7 year nightmare. I can't believe this is our life...........Well, please keep praying, and take care of yourself!

[monistee]

I've been in her shoe's. It took me three times in rehab before I got clean. It's been ten years now. Thank god! I couldn't have done it with out support from my family. When your an addict you live to get high. Then you get high because of the pain, going without gives you. Please let her know you love her, but your not going to help her destroy herself! She isn't in her right mind. That's why she needs you. My mom and dad went through hell! When we talk now. They were so proud about not giving up on me. That's because they new the real me. And I thank them every day! Thank god they were in my life. To help me regain my life. Take care, and I truly wish you the best. I hope you get your little girl back!

[sadmom999]

Well, finally, progress!!!!  My daughter is in detox and has been there 4 days!  She is in REALLY bad shape, both physically and mentally.  Turns out the guy she was with was physically abusive and would not LET her leave.  He just kept giving her more and more drugs to keep her there.  Now that the drugs are leaving her system she is getting really emotional and reliving the horror she's been through.  Thank goodness she has counselors there who are talking her through it.  This guy and his brother have been calling the detox and harassing the nurses calling them idiots and trying to get to her.  They had to disconnect her phone and threatened to have them arrested, so I haven't been able to speak to her since I admitted her but its ok because the counselors have been talking to me and keeping me updated.  They have very high security there, visiting hours are one hour per day and everyone gets a background check and gets frisked by real police officers, not security guards, when entering the floor.

She could not get her car away from those guys and all her clothing, etc. is still at his place.  Yesterday I reported her car stolen and the brother was arrested last night driving it!  Too bad they both weren't in it!  The other one's time is coming too...  Brother is out on $25,000 bond for selling LSD already so I guess he won't be out for a LONG time.  The whole time I was trying to get her to detox (2 weeks) this guy was texting me trying to play mind games with me, but he's an idiot so they didn't work, lol.  I told him that if it cost me every dime I have I will track him down and he will pay and it will be well worth it.  While this dirtbag was sitting in the police car after being arrested, he texted me 3 times with threats and horrible vile messages.  HAHA, that hurt, LOLOLOL.  I immediately forwarded the messages to the policeman who was arresting him.  They stopped pretty quick after that!  It feels so good that as he was getting hauled away he was thinking of me :-)  That was SWEET.  I hope he enjoys HIS detox, the free kind, IN JAIL.

My daughter has maybe 2-3 more days in detox cause she's in such bad shape and methodone was one of the things she was on and then will be transferred to rehab for at LEAST a month, hopefully more.  I am home now and planning another trip to visit her in the middle of her rehab stay.  I realize it isn't over yet, but at this point I can't imagine how she could ever go back to that life.  Fingers crossed.

I understand this story isn't over yet, but finally things are moving in the right direction.  I will keep you updated.

Jane

[Jaybay]

My God.  What a journey you've been on.  Your daughter is so very lucky to have you for a mother!  How did you manage to find her and get her into detox?

[sadmom999]

Persistence.  I kept trying and trying to call her, went to her work and found out she was fired the day before.  I started tracing her steps, going to every place she's used her credit/debit card before she maxed out, I drove 1,000 miles in a week and a half!  Just so happened, SHE called ME and I told her I was there.  She came to see me but only for an hour and then said she had to leave for an hour or so and would come back.  I didn't see her for 2 days.  This happened 2 more times.  In between when she disappeared I was calling police and trying to track her down.  This guy had a real hold on her.  She was so brainwashed she didn't even realize he was evil, she just absentmindedly kept going back for drugs.  He kept her from me and even told me on the phone that he wasn't allowing her to leave until she finished cleaning his apartment because he was moving out, he estimated she would be able to see me for an HOUR in TWO DAYS.  I totally freaked out and called the police who didn't have any idea where to find her either.

She has told me several times she wanted and needs rehab.  She picked a place and called and did her pre-interview all by herself, then disappeared again.  He was stopping her.  Finally I'd called the police so many times, hunted down his family, and put so much pressure on him through different means that he let her WALK away but kept her car and possessions.  When she got to detox for the first 2 days she kept calling him!  I was so scared he would show up and be allowed to order her to leave.  Then, the counselor noticed that her hair was really knotted underneath, she had a huge dreadlock like knot under there and she asked her how her hair got like that.  My daughter broke down and explained that he threw away all the hairbrushes because he thought it was funny she had tangles and the bigger they got the more he loved it.  It was so bad it was hurting and had to be cut out at detox.  They put an entire bottle of conditioner on the rest of her head and wrapped it in a plastic bag and a few hours later, worked on getting the rest of the tangles out.  This detox is the best place we could have chosen, it was recommended by the rehab.  I am so impressed how caring they are.  This is the kind of sadistic stuff he was doing to her...  I'm sure there's much, much worse to come out.  That was the beginning of her waking up.  By then the drugs were starting to lessen in her body and her emotions were coming around, she realized she had been tortured and decided to have her phone disconnected and no visitors.  It hurts so bad to know that she has been treated this way.  I'm waiting for a call hopefully soon telling me this guy has been arrested too.  

[atthebeach]

Jane.
I was so relieved to read that she is now in detox and she is safe. It is horrific to see where addiction can take them,to such dark and dangerous places. I am so happy for you that you were able to locate her and to get her help. Please try to get some rest and take some deep breathes. I will pray that she will begin to heal. It will be rough for awhile but she is in a good place now.
She can only go up from here.
Hugs,hope,encouragement and prayers
Debbie

[sadmom999]

Debbie,

Its always something... now the detox is going to release her before she's ready and we have had 2 rehabs reject her because she isn't able to walk unassisted or even focus on things yet.  She is still on high doses of ativan and cloni(something).  They say they will stop those meds when they release her, but how the heck does anyone know what shape she's going to be in when they wear off.  If they have her way she will find out all by herself at home!  I don't know what the heck they are planning on her doing in the meantime.  If they make it so she has any time in between I'm afraid either those guys will get to her or she will seek out drugs to end her suffering temporarily... I spoke to her last night and she told me that all they are doing for her is those two medicines and they aren't helping and she can get them herself on the street!  She wants out of there.  That scared the hell out of me.  I have a call in to the doctor and should be hearing from them this morning.  

Jane

[atthebeach]

Oh jane why do they want to release her??????
They aren't giving her suboxone there??  The ativan is benzos and they give clonindine that helps regulate blood pressure and overall withdrawal symptoms. No she can't get released she has to go right from detox to rehab. She will be to fragile to get sent out by herself.
Is it possible for you to bring her back to a detox and rehab closer to you??
Oh LORD make a way where there seems to be no way.
I am sending lots of prayers and love

[sadmom999]

Debbie,

They released her yesterday.  The doctor said she's medically stable but very vulnerable but they aren't allowed to keep her because she is scared or doesn't have someone to be with her.  I understand that I guess.  When they took her off the ativan and switched her over to xanax she became a lot more clear mentally, although still not totally all there and now she's steady on her feet.  

Her boyfriend picked her up from the hospital and took her back to their apartment.  He's a good guy and is helping her.  Today he has to work, so yesterday with an hours notice, I booked a flight and now I'm in Colorado again.  She is NOT going to be alone.  No Way.  She did not go through an entire week of torture at detox to be left alone to do whatever.  When I told her I'm on the way to the airport and I'm coming she started crying so hard.  I asked her if she doesn't want me to and she said she's just so happy!  She has tons of regrets for the choices she has made.  We check in at rehab Monday.  It feels so good to know she's going to be with me in an hour and she WANTS to be!

Thanks for everything :-)

Jane

[atthebeach]

Jane, of course she wants you there. You are her mother. She knows you will protect her. Well you told her you would support her recovery and not her addiction and that is what you are doing. Yes in withdrawal they are very weepy and are coming to terms with what they have done and how far they have sunk into addiction. When my daughter was in jail for 3 days and when we picked her up she was so scared and crying so hard. She was afraid to sleep and shower for fear of what could happen to her in there. She has been clean for 3 weeks,is attending meetings,church,got a job, she looks so much healthier,she has gained about 10 lbs. The LORD hears and answers our prayers. Let's continue to believe for complete healing and for the chains and bondage of addiction to be gone.
Hugs
Debbie