Much needed advice ..husband is addicted to cocaine and alcohol
hello, My name is Sheree,
I am so glad I found this site I guess after seven years of being with a coke addict and alcoholic I am in much need of mature advice.
first of all let me just say that I appreciate your time in reading this and value your reply.
Seven years ago when I met my husband, I was working in a cemetery in sales and decided to take a part time waitress job since sales were down ( if you could imagine ha) I was at a vulnerable place in my life at the time, loosing my mother to cancer and divorcing a bad 10 yr. marriage.
I met my husband now ( gabriel) at the bar I worked at, he was the bartender. I knew he was doing cocaine and drinking but fell head over heals and was blind to how bad his addiction was.
My mother had left me a lot of money and I felt bad he had a 3 yr old. with down syndrome and a lemon of a car.
I took him to get his first brand new truck. just after I had known him for 3 months (stupid huh?)
The mother of the child ( his ex) left after Ninett (his daughter ) was born. I took the mommy role right away and started staying at his house babysitting her on a regular basis .
One morning around 4 am he came home, I went into the truck looking for any signs of cheating and found a girls lipstick kiss print on the driver side window ( as if he was leaving and he rolled the window up then she planted a BIG OPEN kiss on the window) When I took him outside and confronted him on this he got angry, rubbed it off and said he didn't know how it got there. he had Text mess. from girls on his phone but always had an excuse....(she says....going to the party tonight babe?) he says YES SWEETIE.....IT MEANT NOTHING HE SAID.
Against my better judgement I married him. soon after I realized how bad the addiction was. Comming home at 5 or 6 in the morning.....doing ???? Blow ???..BUT NOT CHEATING HE SAID humm
Mean while his daughter was violent and always trying to hit me....saying YOU GO !! I wondered why he was so tolerant of her behavior .....I soon figured out that he was always coked out when we were all at home together and because of that and the drinking he was ignoring his daughters outburst. She then felt it was ok to act like this.
Anyway that was the beginning, now, 7 yrs. later Ninett and I have a GREAT relationship her behavior is PERFECT, shes no longer beating up the kids at school or smacking the teachers.
I have spent more time with her in these last years than any of the family members. WEWWWW
My husband Gabriel is still working in a bar and coming home late, but not 5 or 6 am He has beer on his breath and I know his been using coke because of his speech....runny nose....mood swings ect. He will DENY it till the end.The beatings have stopped but I have NO trust. Tonight He text me his normal ...WUZ UPPPPP.....oh brother I know he just bought coke.
How do I know ? I can read his text messages....right after he buys he will text me...WUZ UPPPPP when I asked him tonight He said NO why do you say I did??? blah blah ....you have to trust me...I told him I really want to but it's not my fault I don't. He says he wants to quit... I'm tired of wondering what hes doing at night...any advice ?
Hi and welcome. The beatings have stopped because your not pressing his beating button anymore. You love him but he loves him also. You are a nurturing person and took on the task from day one to nuture him and his daugher. To some extent you have been his nanny and baby sitter. The worst thing a nurturing person can do is be with a user as will suck you dry in all aspects of your life.
You need to be with a kind and loving person not this man.
The thing here is that you should take your nurturing abilites and find a place in society where your rare talant can be put to good use and really help those in need. Your using your God given awareness for all the wrong reasons like throwing your pearls before the feet of swine.
I would leave and not look back/
Sheree, I'm so sorry that you feel so discouraged and under appreciated. I just want you to know, after being in such a relationship and for as long as you have, that I found a love that was in no way abusive and is loving and lasting. In my opinion you need to have an proper intervention for this man, chock full of support for you. Maybe the child's mother could be there to help represent the daughter, and his daughter herself can also chime in as to how devastated that she will be if you need to leave. Also, a drug addictions counselor with a plan for rehab, be in residential of or because of his job, intensive outpatient rehab, there is a possibility that he might make a change. However, there is a huge possibility that he won't and you would need to stick by the part that says, "If you do not accept rehabilitation, then i will no longer be able to support your addiction, only if you choose to accept this gift will i stay and help to support your recovery."
There is also the question of Ninett. You mentioned that your mother left you a substantial sum of money. If you are financially stable, it might be the best plan for you to consider taking Ninett with you, should her father refuse to get help after the intervention. It sounds like you have become a parental figure, and i'm sure that she's at the age where her consent would allow her to stay with you, should the circumstances dictate a move on your part. It may be very good for Ninett, and also very good for you, to not lose everything upon a divorce.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I also know what it's like to endure physical abuse by my partner, (many moons ago with my first husband.) and divorce. I'm here if you'd like to talk via personal message.
Also Sheree, have you ever attended or had the support of Narc Anon, either in person or online meetings? I think that it would be very helpful to have the wisdom of this family group of persons dealing with the effects of living with an addict. Probably would be most helpful for Ninett as well. Did you come from a family where either of your parent's were alcoholic or addicted to drugs? This could be a reason why you are holding on to this relationship as well. There may be reasons under the surface that may need to be explored in order that you break the cycle of addiction in your life. If this is the case, there is also a faction of AA called (ACOA) Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families that might be of help to you. I've attended this group and it helped me to see how my childhood experience modeled my behaviour later in life. Just a consideration.
Gabriel has mentioned that he will go to for help if I find a place. It is questionable if He will stick to it but I think what you said made sense.
"only if you choose to accept this gift will i stay and help to support your recovery."
I will also look into the Narc Anon first thing Tues. I will make some calls.
I was raised in the church but my parents both split when I was young, they weren't on drugs or anything but Dad disconnected from me shortly after the divorce, He said I reminded him of my mother. So I'm without family, I think that's one of the reasons I have stayed.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I have to say, and I'm sure you already know this...you ignored so many red flags, and went forward with this relationship, even knowing about his addiction and possible infidelities. That was mistake number ONE. You need to seek help for yourself...NH made a great suggestion for you to seek help with Nar Anon, or Alanon. You need to learn how to stop enabling. Sadly, you're part of the problem, hon.
You have bent over backwards being a parent to that little girl when her own two parents walked away, that's awesome. You've got a big heart, good for you.
I think it's about time you started putting you and her first. Your husband will only get help when he is ready to do so, you cannot force him. Also, like I said, until you can learn how to be supportive without enabling, not much will change.
I wish you nothing but the best. You deserve a lot more than empty promises, half-truths, and a man who has not been much of a partner at all.
Thank you for your advice, This is the first time I have unloaded on anyone, I do appreciate you taking the time to answer me back I will also think about what you said. I think your right. I'm part of the problem.
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