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1932256 tn?1327949940
Please help me help my son ... Part 2
I'm trying to start a new thread because the 1st one got so long that everyone was having trouble getting in. I hope this works & I hope my friends can find me here!!!

Cindi
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Page 5 of 5
495284 tn?1333897642
It is very common to feel that way and that is why recovery care is so important.  It has been years since i have drank and right before Christmas i was hit with a craving.  I wanted Black Velvet in the worst way.  Now usually my cravings are for pills so this one knocked me on my arse.  I told the ones around me what was going on and we talked about it.  The important thing is i didnt act on it, i did what i needed to do.  I also went to the cupboard and got out my trusty old Grandmas Molasses, ate a couple spoonfuls(was fun to watch the others gag i might add!) and i felt better.  The molasses always brings back good memories of being at my Grandparents house.  We used to get that if we were tired!!!  Anyways, not to make light of what happened as it could of been disastrous for me but because of my recovery care i was able to identify what was going on and held myself accountable.  Just for today i am grateful~~sara
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82861 tn?1333457511
LOL Sara!  I'll never think of Grandma's Molasses the same way!  What an interesting and inventive way to deal with a craving.  And not gag-worthy - I like a little molasses straight up myself.  :-D

clu, I'm so glad to hear you're giving Al-Anon a try.  I wouldn't expect miracles though.  I had the same thoughts about going - leading by example might make him see the light that there was a big problem.  Just the words "Al-Anon" and "AA" were scary enough for me, so surely if I went he'd jump on the guilt train and go too.  Nope. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, "It's all his fault I have to do this.  HE did this to me.  HE needs to fix my life."  Talk about stinkin' thinkin'!  

Austin already has an example of what AA can do through his step-father and that hasn't impacted him at all.  Trying to understand the alcoholic/ addict mind can send the rest of us to the rubber room. LOL!
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Well, crap!  And there I thought I had it all figured out - lol ... Jay, I had to laugh about the "guilt train" and "it's all his fault I have to do this" because I have thought that SO many times over the years!  I know I need to go to Alanon for ME, not for HIM.  Austin's been in treatment several times (once for a whole year when he was 17. He 1st went inpatient, then to a halfway house where he worked and learned how to live on his own). And he went to AA for many years, off and on. Yes, he definitely knows what AA's all about and where & how to get help and support without any input from me.  I guess I just get frustrated because I want him to go so badly!

Bit of good news ... He signed the form today at the methadone clinic giving them permission to talk to me :-)   ... and I found out he's getting 50mg now. He filled out the form to start tapering and they do it 10% each week. So, here we go!  Need to get ready for yet another roller coaster ride I guess.

I'm taking him to a JOB INTERVIEW this afternoon!!!

And about the Grandma's Molasses ... I love that stuff!!!  I could drink it right out of the jar too ... I'm the same way with Hershey's chocolate syrup ... Whenever I have a "chocolate attack", I drink it right out of the bottle!  My family grosses out and I can't imagine why - lol
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495284 tn?1333897642
As for the Molasses and Chocolate, if it feels good, do it!!!  Here's to grossing out our families!!  lol

clu....Get your pretty little self to Alanon.  You need them.  

Jaybay...I have a new mission now, getting clu to go!!
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Well, poop! (if I said what I really feel you'd see nothing but ***** because all my words would be bleeped out) Job interview didn't work out ... and so far neither has Alanon. The weekly day time meeting I found has been cancelled so I'm looking for another one. I'm REALLY gonna' go, Sarah, really!!!  I just have to find one during the day because I can't see to drive at night. NO, it's not because I'm old - my eyes just have issues - lol
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82861 tn?1333457511
Ooooh!  Clu, you in BIG trouble!  Sara's gonna leap through the computer and frog-march your but to Al-anon like she practically had to do to me!  :-D
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Hey Cindi just checking on to say Hi and see how you're doing?  Hope you were able to find a meeting.  :)
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Hey Cindi how you doing?
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1416133 tn?1351126817
You okay Cindi?  We haven't seen you for a few days....
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Thanks for checking in :-)   Things are going pretty good lately. Not perfect, but much, much better! We went for his follow up dr. appt. on Thursday and his bilirubin # is down to 1.8 now (from 11), so that's great news! We go back in 2 weeks for more bloodwork and back to the dr. in 3 wks to get the results. Hopefully the # will keep dropping and get back into the normal range.

Austin is still not drinking (since 12/19) but still on the methadone, of course. They'll drop him tomorrow (Monday) from 50mg to 45mg, so we'll see how that goes. He'll go down 10% each time so it will definitely take a while, especially if he does it the way they want him to ... drop every 2 weeks, instead of every week. Does that sound like the "normal" taper to you? (every 2 weeks?) He wants to drop EVERY week but I don't know if he should or not?

I found out why he was walking in his sleep, hallucinating, getting confused, etc. - It was the sleeping pills! I looked them up on the internet and every single weird thing he was doing was a side effect of the stupid drug! I also counted how many were left and figured out that he was taking a lot more than he was supposed to. I immediately took them away from him and flushed them down the toilet. Since then, he's getting back to "normal". I went through his room and made sure there was nothing else being stashed/hidden and I feel much better ... now I can sleep at night without worrying! He was doing some CRAZY stuff, let me tell ya!  One night he came downstairs with a towel rack in his hand, trying to get the towel out of the bar - huh?!? There was, of course, no towel IN the thing, but he sure thought there was. He had a "not quite there" look in his eyes and then 60 seconds later it was like he woke up. Very weird & creepy to see him like that. Another night, he swallowed some thumb tacks, thinking they were PILLS!  I'm SO glad I figured out what was causing him to do this stuff and got rid of those pills!!!  I told him there was NO reason for him to be taking the crap in the first place and as long as he lived in MY house he wouldn't BE taking it! Surprisingly, I got no argument!

I'm wondering now what to expect when he starts tapering on Monday??? If he tapers slowly will he still get sick? He has anxiety meds from his primary care dr. (which I am holding) ... will he need to start taking those while he's tapering???

I'm w
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1932256 tn?1327949940
OMG ...I just found out he's drinking again!!! For the past few days I've had a nagging feeling that he was because in the evenings he's been talking so much about the same thing over and over and over ... but I thought, "nah, it's my imagination" ...NOT. I walked into his room a few minutes ago and sitting on his night stand was a beer. Aaaarrrggghhh!!!   His bedroom door was open and it smelled like he'd been smoking in there so I walked in to see if I saw an ash tray or anything ... but instead I found an empty beer can. I immediately confronted him and he said he's "only had a couple beers a few times, not enought to hurt anything ... not like I'm drinking liquor and it's only been a little bit ...I'm not going crazy with it or anything ... I was sober for 30 days and just wanted something to relax, " ... etc, etc,

I reminded him that he almost DIED not too long ago and that drinking WILL kill him and that drinking with methadone is deadly in itself, etc.   He said that when he goes for his next blood test in 2 weeks if it's worse, he'll stop drinking for good. I told him what bull$hit that was, and that he has now PROVEN that he needs AA.

Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!
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82861 tn?1333457511
Unfortunately, I'm not surprised.  Sad, but not surprised.  It's been pretty obvious he's been talking himself into drinking again almost since he got home.

I understand how frustrated and scared you have to be right now, but one thing that you need to understand is that an active addict/ alcoholic's brain doesn't compute the same way that a sober person's brain computes.  To sober people, a consequence like near death is enough to make us change.  An active addict has too much static in his head to face the fact that his actions are proving deadly.

The ball is now in your court as to how you handle his drinking in your home while you and your husband are finacially supporting him.  Whether he does it at home or out on the street, he's proven he's going to use and drink until he dies.  

He needs a whole lot more than AA at this point.  AA is great for people who are dedicated to recovery, but Austin isn't there yet.  If ever anyone needed an interventionist and inpatient rehab, it's Austin.  
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Hi Jay - Do you know how I would go about finding an interventionist and are they expensive???

The clinic dropped his mg to 45 this morning and when he gets to 40 the inpatient place I found a couple months ago will take him. It's based on income, of which he has none, so cost won't be an issue. The only problem is that he has to WANT to go and he really doesn't. Just a month ago he admitted he had a problem and now magically, he doesn't. He says he can drink if he wants to and stop if he wants to. Yeah. Okay. I am not a TOTAL idiot, dang!

He's talking now about moving to Texas to live and work with a friend of his. (1500 miles from here).  I feel kind of guilty about this, but I honestly hope he does go. I even told him that if he can find a methadone clinic there that will take care of him that I will continue to pay for it.  I know in my heart of hearts that he's going to die from drinking and I really don't want to see it first hand.

It's weird that I'm not a crying, wringing my hands, nut case right now ... but I'm not. I told him last night that what he's doing makes me very sad and I'll miss him like crazy when he dies from this, but I know there's nothing I can do to help him anymore and that I'm going to start planning his funeral so that when the time comes, and it will, we'll be ready. I wasn't bluffing ... I started today looking into the cost of burial plots back home.  I have a list of questions that I went over with Austin this morning ... I now know how he wants to be buried, what type of service and what songs he wants.

Is there something wrong with ME? Why am I not freaking out or at least fighting back tears???
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495284 tn?1333897642
You have done all you can now.  He is not ready to stop and sometimes it never happens.  Now is the time when you have to make a decision about whether to watch this or kick him out.  You have lived this insanity long enough clu.  You have become numb to this now.  We all know what is in store for Austin if this continues, hopefully he will too real dam soon.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Oh Cindi... guess I'm feeling like you.  Not surprised about this.  Not at all.

And I can tell you one thing, though, and that is he's NOT going anywhere.  Sure, it's a fun thought and since he's drinking again, it's making him feel good and he thinks he can do this.  But he can't.  He won't go anywhere as long as you're flipping the bill.  I promise you this is just talk.  So.....

Now it's up to you.  It makes me so sad to hear you're actually planning a funeral for him... how awful this must be.  I know you're numb, but I also know how much you've tried to do for him.  Only it's his turn now and he doesn't want to take responsiblity for his life or his decisions.  Easier to get away with drinking at home, having everything paid for, and a ride to his methadone clinic to get his daily high.

So it's time for you to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  I don't know where he'll end up.  And not sure what it's going to take to scare him into sobriety.. not even sure if that's possible anymore, given what he's been through already.  But you do NOT have to live like this anymore.  You've done everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, you can.  Time for a serious change.
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Hi Cindi, still I wonder, if he has no money, how does he get alcohol? And for that matter cigartette's? Just cut him off entierly with that if your sponsering that gig. He doesn't have a " pot to pee in"! How is he going to move? It's all a bluff, don't even respond to him when he talks like that, and Alonon will help for sure if you haven't gone already. There's a show callled Intervention, copy and paste your whole story to them and maybe they'll take you for free. Hes a man and he's still acting like a baby, but Dr. Phil once said, "People will treat you the way you let them treat you""... He know you will treat him like a baby so he will act like one.
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Yes, Sandra, I watch that show all the time & have wanted many times to get them to help us but all their stories seem to be so much worse than ours. I just figured we would be too boring for them and wouldn't make for "good t.v.". I'll look it up online and give it a shot though. Nothing to lose, right?

Where does Austin get money ... He normally has zilch in his pocket but last week he did a ton of work in the yard (climbing & pruning palm trees & stuff like that) so I gave him a few dollars. Sometimes when we go into a store he'll ask me for a couple bucks to buy a Starbucks drink or a snack so I thought I'd let him keep a few in his wallet so he doesn't have to ask me every single time. My mistake!  I buy the cigarettes every week for all 3 of us. He does all the house work and yard work and gives me his $200 in food stamps each month ... and we provide room & board, cigarettes and methadone.

Dang it ... I need to jump on something for work right now ... I'll be back ...
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Listen honey, this is how bad and how deep addiction can go. Even being near death doesn't wake him up to the reality! And it can be insanity...for you and you're being hurt terribly by it. So, it has to end right now. He can't do that in your house and he needs to go right now.

You can only take so much before YOU get sick so it's time to take a stand!  He's an adult and he can take care of himself, trust me.  He's had more help and support than I've ever heard of...seriously, so don't feel a bit bad or guilty. Just give him two days notice and show him the door.
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1932256 tn?1327949940
OMG Vicki, I wish I could do that, I really do! But I know me and I know I won't. Everything you and everyone else is telling me is true, I know that, but I just can't DO it!  If I had an option, like ... You will go into this inpatient facility or get out", THEN I could do it, but to just put him on the street??? I can't. (I know you're all cringing right now & wanting to come thru this computer after me!)

I went online today and filled out the forms to try and get the "Intervention" t.v. show to take him on. May be a crazy idea and I know I'm grasping at straws but ...

I also started looking into local interventionists ... maybe something will come thru with that.

If there was a place for him to go I could give him an "either/or" ultimatum, but right now, I just don't have it in me to put him on the street. I have done that in the past (twice) but we were in GA and he knew where he was and I felt like he could survive. But here, he knows nobody and doesn't even know where he is. I couldn't live with the worry and guilt :-(

I'm sorry. I feel like I'm letting everybody down.
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He's an adult. If he doesn't know anyone, he can make friends. If he doesn't know where he is...(how can that be?? it's like he's a toddler!) he can ask for directions somewhere.  You need to give him more credit here. He could survive. May not be great but he would survive.

Ultimatums don't ever work. Just think about it. In the meantime, tell him he needs to keep the bedroom door open and that he cannot drink in your house!   I think the fact that he practically FLAUNTED his drinking by leaving empty cans around is just the height of aggression...

All of this is easier said than done, I know that. Just think it over. We understand about being Mothers and support you no matter what!
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82861 tn?1333457511
Ah, clu, how well I understand your position.  It took me a long time to reach the point that I didn't have one tiny bit of care or compassion for my husband and showed him the door.  For the first time, I cared more about my life than his. Once I hit that wall it was very easy to make that decision that seemed so wrong for all the years I'd been considering and rejecting it.  If you aren't ready, you aren't ready, so don't beat yourself up.  You're the one who has to live in this situation - not us.

A word of caution about hiring an interventionist, or even if by some miracle the TV show decides to take a look at your family: you know how it works.  If you really aren't ready to consider removing Austin from your home, an intervention won't be effective.  That's an ultimatum with no teeth - in other words, it's just noise and he'll know it.

I heard something on Intervention a couple weeks ago that really resonated with me.  The interventionist (can't remember his name and he's my favorite one - older kind of redneck guy with the mustache?) told the family that one definition of co-dependency is "neglect of self."  Holy crap!  All this time I'd been going down the list of co-dependent behavior the rehab place gave me and thinking, "Only one or two of all these things applies to me.  I'm not co-dependent."  If the term is defined as neglect of self, count me in!  I didn't try to control my husband but I dam sure neglected myself.  I stepped completely out of life and allowed my husband's actions to determine how I would feel and behave on a given day.  I didn't try to control him, but I didn't take control of my own life either.

You're doing the same thing.  You're neglecting yourself (and probably your marriage as well) and living your life for Austin.  If he acts normal and you believe he hasn't used on a given day, you're elated.  If you find evidence of using, you're devastated.  That's a whole lot of power over your life that you've ceded to him.  Worse, he knows it and uses it to keep life going exactly the same with you supporting him, willing or not.  

You're trying to control his addiction by controlling his environment, medical care, diet and finances as if he were still a child.  "If I do X, logically he'll respond with Y."  Nope.  Addiction doesn't work that way.  His addiction is still screaming at him so normal logic doesn't compute.  The insanity is the rest of us still treating them as if they have the capability of  logical thought.  If nothing changes, nothing changes.  Sure, Austin nearly died, but his life didn't change - and neither did yours.  He knows he has a roof over his head, food and medical care, so why change anything?  All the housework he's doing is just one way to get you off his back.  "See how much I help out?  I'm not so bad even if I still drink and I know you need me to be here."

If you can't make it to Al-Anon meetings, go to the library and check out some books by Melody Beattie.  "Co-dependent No More" would be a good one to start with but she has several books published that can help you understand co-dependency.  Her works are commonly used for self-study in Al-Anon groups as well because she comes from a substance abuse background.  It doesn't replace Al-Anon and the personal touch to be found there, but it's a start to understand addiction and our response to it.

Remember that Al-Anon follows the same 12-step program as AA/ NA.  The first step is the same for all: admitting we are powerless over alcohol and drugs.  Right now, Austin can't see that he is powerless and neither can you.  Nobody else can make him see that.  It's a very personal epiphany for everyone and it usually doesn't happen until life becomes completely unmanageable.  Right now, you're busily managing Austin's life for him so in effect, you're putting off the day of his possible recovery.  

I know we've all thrown a whole lot of junk at you to think about.  My intention isn't to upset you but to give you food for thought.  We've all been in your shoes and we all understand how difficult it is to change our behavior.  We also know how awful it is to realize that we played our part in enabling another's addiction to continue.  The past is done, so let it go.  You can only change your own future and that future is based on what you do today.
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I would say, he gives u the $200.00 for food stamps and you provide the room n board and meth, but no cig's and no beer. He's getting the beer somehow, I just dont understand how. Its really time t put your foot down. I too wouldnt kick my son out, the new freinds he finds might just be a death sentence, but I would def reinforce the other rules. Until you get him into treatment. Oh boy, what a tangled mess we all weave in life. xo
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1416133 tn?1351126817
WOW jaybay that is one of the best posts I have ever read here.

Cindi - we get it.  You don't want to put your son out on the streets.  Of course we know you love him.  And you aren't letting anyone here down, although I'm afraid you are letting yourself down.  And I keep having this one thought over and over about all of this - what kind of favor are you doing him by taking care of him?  He will never learn how to do that for himself until he tries or actually in his case - until he's forced to do just that

And what if, g-d forbid, something happened to you?  What would he do?  How would he take care of himself?  Please, as jaybay suggested, reach out to those in Al-Anon - please give that a chance.  And I think reading the books suggested is a great idea.  Knowledge is power Cindi.  And I think right now you're too close to the situation to think clearly and that's where Al-Anon could help you.

Hope we hear from you again soon.  :)
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Thanks everyone; you've all given me a lot to think about. Jay, your comments really hit home. I'm going to buy the book you suggested and I'm going to go to an Alanon meeting. Maybe it will help my sick brain, I don't know. I've been to TONS of Alanon and Naranon meetings over the years and it did make me feel better but I still didn't make any life altering changes where Austin was concerned. I had no problem kicking out drug addict & alcoholic husband(s) but when it came to my son it was a different story.

Maybe I'm sicker than I thought :-(
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82861 tn?1333457511
Don't feel bad clu - we've all been sick too and each of us walks our recovery path in our own time and in our own way.  The important thing is that you're opening yourself up to doing something different and beginning to recognize that what you've been doing hasn't worked - not for you and not for Austin.  There is zero shame in admitting that you need help to try to figure out a new way to live your life so that it's manageable and happy.  That's supposed to be a good thing!  Family recovery is a process just like it is for the addict, and we don't have to wait for the addict to jump first.  

You know, we get so lost in someone else's addiction that we completely forget our own dreams and needs in life.  Life becomes one big merry-go-round of chaos and insanity with no room for self or thoughts of the future.  You can get that back for yourself, particularly if you approach Al-Anon this time with the idea of getting a sponsor and working the steps.  More food for thought, right?  :-)

Will your husband attend meetings with you?  I really hope so.  His life has been affected by Austin's addiction every much as yours has been even though he isn't as involved in the daily drama as you are.  However much time and energy and "self" that you give to Austin is that much less that you have for your husband and yourself.  It seems to be pretty common that when one spouse gives all to the addict, the other one isolates and suffers in silence, and neither party wants to face how much damage has been done to the relationship.  When you both have to make tough decisions in the future, you'll do it together and he'll have your back - as will your sponsor if you find one you like to work with.

Now perk up.  You're human and that means we learn from our mistakes.  You're a smart lady, right?  I think you are, and that means you're more than capable of learning.  Sending hugs your way.  :-)
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Baby steps ... I joined an online Alanon group today AND I attended a telephone meeting this afternoon :-)   I also found a meeting nearby to go to that meets at noon 3 days a week, which is the perfect time for me to go (during my lunch break). I'm going to my first one on Tuesday and I'm really looking forward to it.

Jay, your last post was SO us! Me & my husband had a talk last night and I found out that he is really, really tired of how things have been with Austin. I knew it bothered him but I didn't realize how much! We actually ended up getting into a pretty good argument about it but when I think back about it, I realize that I started the argument because I knew he was RIGHT and I didn't know what to say or how to handle it ... how sick is THAT?!?  He told me that he's sick of us taking care of Austin and he's sick of paying for the methadone and he wants it to stop. He said that "as long as we keep doing everything for him, he'll never have to do anything for himself" ... has he been going to Alanon behind my back?? (lol)

Right now I just don't know how to do what he's asking me to do. I told him that if Austin stops taking the methadone cold turkey that he'll be horribly sick and that I can't deal with that and be able to work too. I'll be the one at home  (because I work from home) having to listen to the moaning & groaning and vomiting and whatever else he would go through ... while hubby goes happily off to work. I honestly don't know what to do!

I did make one change though ... I told Austin on Friday that instead of taking him to the clinic every morning, he'll be taking the bus ... starting this Monday morning. He told me that he talked to a lady at the clinic who tried that and it took her four hours. I said "so what? You don't have anything else to do and you need to start taking some responsibility and this is a good place to start. Plus, it will be good for you to get out and find your way around town, and it's just getting to be too inconvenient for me and causing me to be late for work" ... Now I just hope there's a bus that goes from here to there every morning. I haven't even checked. Crap! I'm going to check that right now ... It's a little town but there just has to be a bus running that time of morning!

Anyway, I just thought I'd give you guys a quick update ... I'm still hanging in there and I'm going to make Alanon meetings a priority!

Take care,
Cindi
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82861 tn?1333457511
Wow!  Cindi, you're on your way and that's more than baby steps.  :-)  Too late now, but Austin needs to be the one to figure out how the bus routes work or find an alternative. Trust me, with a choice of getting off his rear end and doing it himself vs. going into withdrawal, he WILL find a way to get there.  At least you've got that daily chore off your back now.

I'm so glad you talked to your husband!  Funny how something "small" like marriage gets completely left out of the equation when an addict is involved, isn't it?  That had to be really REALLY hard for you to admit he was right about Austin.  In my house, the hubs and I go to incredible lengths to avoid the "R" word when applied to the other.  LOL!  

If Austin gets dope sick, it is not your job to be his nurse.  He won't die from being dope sick unless he abuses alcohol or other drugs to try to deal with it.  You already know he can get his hands on alcohol whether you're around or not.  You know your husband will completely support your decision to carry on with your workdays if that happens.  Listen to him and let him help you.  After all, isn't that what being married is all about?

Detaching from Austin doesn't mean you don't love or care about him anymore.  It just means that you're stepping back and allowing him to be who he is and to learn how to figure out life all by himself - something we all have to do for ourselves.  You've tried so hard to control him and where has it gotten you both?  Nowhere but the same place.

Hope to hear a good report from you next time.  :-)
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Hi Jay :-)  You're right that I should have let him figure out the bus system himself, which would have been the smart thing to do but noooo, I had to even go a step further. Are you sitting down???  Not only did I get the bus schedule, I called to confirm that I was reading it correctly and then I took Austin in my car and drove the bus route so he'd know where he was going. Like he was 5 years old going to kindergarten for the first day - OMG!  Looking back, I can't even believe I did that! I have GOT to STOP doing crap like that. It doesn't even make sense, but I do these things without thinking ... like a robot. I do not like myself like this.

I've been to 3 Alanon meetings, not in person yet, but on a bridgeline and I got a lot out of each one. The topic seems to be about ME every time - lol ... My favorite "saying" (I know that's not what it's called but I can't remember the right name for it) so far is "Easy Does It". The meeting yesterday was for beginners and that was the topic. Oh, how I needed to hear that!

Cindi
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1932256 tn?1327949940
It struck me today that I have been surrounded by alcoholics and drug addicts since I left home at 17 years old. Every single relationship I've had has been with with an addict or alcoholic ... I even gave birth to one. And now I'm married to yet another one. Crap!
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Cindi, HONEY, when are you going to get moving here?  Going to meetings online isn't the same thing and you know that.  You need to get personal with some of the other members to find a way out.

And you are right - DRIVING him the whole bus route?  Seriously?  Come on sweetie, you are correct - that is something you do for a five-year old, NOT a thirty-five year old.  As long as you continue to treat him as a child, he'll be one.  It's that simple.

So step up and get going here!!  What are you waiting for??  You know I care - so please don't take these words harshly.  I'm just not sure anymore how to get through.  PLEASE make a change.  TODAY.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
And don't forget Cindi, the common denominator here re: your life being surrounded by addicts.  That common denominator is YOU.  Do you think you have issues with wanting to be with someone, anyhone, that requires you CARING for them 24/7?  Just something to think about.
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495284 tn?1333897642
Cindi....I am going to just say a few words here, when are you going to quit supporting his addiction?
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82861 tn?1333457511
Uh oh... Domino's here!  And she's using that same tone of voice on you as she did on me.  LOL!

Cindi, it's hard to change a lifetime of behavior.  It's even more difficult to look at yourself and realize that some of your behaviors aren't acceptable even to you.  You're now in a place that you can recognize behavior that is harming your life - that's a good thing!  Now that you know your mothering gene is cranked up so high that it causes harm, you can learn to identify and stop that behavior before it goes completely overboard.  A habit of a lifetime can't be changed overnight.  

You strike me as someone who is very caring to everyone that comes into your life and I'm guessing it makes you feel very good to be in a nurturing role.  If you've been surrounded with addicts your entire life, you had to have learned to be a caretaker at a very young age.  It's going to take some dedicated work on your part to change that and figure out when nurturing turns into enabling.  Try the old "count to ten" technique before your autopilot kicks in and you find yourself once again trying to control another person's actions.  Ask yourself if what you're about to do for someone else is something he should do for himself.  It's time to turn all that nurturing and caretaking onto you.  :-)
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495284 tn?1333897642
And you know EXACTLY what tone that is dont you!  lol
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Hey Cindi - just wanted to say Hi and see how things were going.  Hope you're doing okay.  :)
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1235186 tn?1339127464
Hi cindi I too have been surrounded with addiction my whole life.my alcoholic uncle lived with us my entire childhood. He lived with my parents until he died at 62.
I also married 2 addicts and have 2 addict children.
We are mothers,woman,we are nurturers, caretakers,it is very natural for us.
That being said, it also makes us feel needed,it feeds our self esteem. If we don't have anyone to take care of we don't feel like we are useful or have any self worth.  Then comes the fine line between helping,nurturung and enabling.  it leads to us being used and taken for granted,under appreciated and just expected to do the things that we have always done.
Something I heard at an alanon meeting yesterday.

"To stop being the doormat we have to get up off the floor."

After all the years I have lived with addiction that would be 54 years. I finally crawled into a meeting 6 months ago,cried the first few meetings, and then decided and was determined that it is now my turn to take care of myself and nurture myself and get on the road to recovery.
  My husband and my son have both been in recovery .my son for 2 years and 9 months and my husband 2 years next week. My daughter is clean for 3 weeks. I still have 2 young sons who are 12 and 14.
I am now in a much better place  to beable to nurture and care for my family because I am much healthier. I am not enabling. I have defined that to my family. I will support their recovery and do all I can to make sure they succeed. I will not fall back again into the dysfunction that I lived for so long.
I attend 3 meetings a look forward to my meetings. They are a life line for
me.
The topic yesterday was courage. It takes courage to step beyond what is comfortable,predictable and known.
Praying for your strength,
Debbie
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82861 tn?1333457511
Cindi - Come out, come out wherever you are!  We miss hearing from you and you're doing better.  Remember: progress not perfection!  :-)
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495284 tn?1333897642
Where are you??
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I hope your doink ok Cindi! xo
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Hey you guys ... I'm so sorry I haven't been here in a while. I've had an eye infection and couldn't wear my contacts ... which means I couldn't see - ugh! It's been awful :-(   Good news though is that I can see again and I'm baaaaccckk!!!

I just read all your messages ... thanks for caring & wondering if I dropped off the planet or not. Makes me feel good :-)

Things are going okay I guess. Austin's been riding his bike and taking the bus to the clinic every day which I absolutely LOVE. It takes about 3 hours round trip and I enjoy that time so much! Just me and the puppy dogs in the house for a few hours. I think that's my favorite time of the day now!  He had a job interview today at a music store and we're all hoping he gets the job. (It's also on the bus route :-) He's been into music since he was a little boy so this would be right up his alley. They're supposed to let him know by Friday ... fingers crossed!

He gets his blood checked tomorrow and we'll get the results next week. I can't wait to see how it turns out because I know he's been drinking beer. Don't know how much but definitely been drinking. He doesn't think it will affect his bloodwork because he says he hasn't drank very much. We'll see.  On one hand, I want it to show in his bloodwork so he sees that even a "little bit" can be bad, but on the other hand I don't want him to get sick again and die from it either. This is where I have to turn it over to God and just pray for the strength & courage to handle it regardless of which way it goes.  

Yes, I know I need to go to face to face Alanon meetings and I have the schedule in my purse and have every intention of going. But somehow when that day and time rolls around there's always something that keeps me from going ... work, something at home, eye infection, always seems to be something. I really do want to go and be a "regular" but I haven't been able to yet.

Dang - I have to jump on something for work ... I'll be back ... I promise!
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82861 tn?1333457511
Great news!  See - Austin really is a capable adult and now you have some much needed down time.  Enjoy!  :-)

In other news - we are now a bikeless family.  My husband finally sold the Harley (police issue Electra Glide) for a badly needed cash infusion.  We really haven't ridden much lately anyway.  My body is so messed up I can't go on road trips anymore and all our former riding compadres were heavy drinkers so it just wasn't all that attractive.  Not to say we won't get another one in the future but for now we're strictly on 4 wheels.  Kinda feels like the end of an era.  :-/
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Hey Cindi - you okay?
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Hey guys ... yes, I'm okay. Just had so much going on (not just with Austin) and when I had the time to log on I was just too dang exhausted.

Jay, we got rid of our bike too (same kind you guys had - lol). We never rode it anymore and just made payments every month for it to sit in the garage. Not very smart we finally decided. When we can afford to, we'll probably get a jeep instead. Still a fun ride, plus all the puppy dogs can go with us :-)

Here's a quick update on "stuff" ...
Austin is still riding his bike and taking the bus to the clinic every day and he's supposed to start tapering tomorrow. Yeah, I know ... he was supposed to do that a long time ago but I just found out he went UP instead of DOWN.

I found out from a neighbor / friend just last night that he's now drinking vodka again. I have no idea how much or how he's getting it. I figure it really doesn't matter at this point.

Went to get lab results from the doctor last week and they ran the wrong freaking tests so had to do it all over again. Won't know results for 4 more weeks.

He didn't get the job at the music store and was extremely bummed about that.

Me & hubby aren't getting along well at all and I'm not sure what the future holds for us. Icing on the cake seemed to be when I told him that I think he's an alcoholic as well as Austin - THAT didn't go over very well, let me tell ya!

Okay, so that's about everything in a "snap shot" ... I'll start checking back in more often.

How are you guys doing???
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Hi Cindi,

I'm good - thanks for asking.

I wish, however, you had better news to share.  My goodness you have been through the ringer haven't you?  And you know what my first thought here was?  Take care of YOU.  If that means being on your own for a while, as hard as that would be, it might be a blessing too.  Now of course, I'm not saying to walk away from hubby if he needs your help but SHEESH when will it be YOUR turn for happiness?  Apparently, Austin has decided he's "above" all the tests and medical issues that his behavior has visited upon him, and at this point, there's really nothing left for you to do.  Until HE realizes he needs to stop, you'll continue to run really fast IN PLACE.  Never moving forward and only to be left to deal with your loved ones aftermath.  Which is why I continue to believe that Alanon would be a great support system for you - plus you'd develop new friendships and create a life that's only for YOU.  No one else and at this point, after everything you've tried to do - don't you deserve a chance here? (you do in case you weren't sure how to answer that).

And your friends here at medhelp will remain here for you.  So please try to stay in touch okay?  I know - we're all only "cyber" friends and I get that.  But words have power - and we care about you.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Hi Cindi - you okay?
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82861 tn?1333457511
Hey Cin - come on in and talk to us!  I'm so sad to hear the news about Austin.  Hard as it is to accept, he's just not done yet.  I didn't think he was when he so adamantly refused treatment and AA.  I hope you've at least found time so soak in a relaxing bathrub and let Calgon take you away once in a while.  :-)
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1932256 tn?1327949940
Hi guys!  I finally took the time to check in. Sorry I'm so sporadic. I swear, it seems like I don't have 2 minutes to myself anymore! Things are going okay I guess. Not really any changes. Austin didn't get the job at the music store and he's still drinking. To be honest I think I've pretty much given up on him ever stopping. Hubby's still drinking ... I think I've given up on that one too. Guess I'm just kind of "treading water" for now. My stress level is off the charts but I'll deal with that somehow. I always do, right? Anyway ... that's about it for now. Nothing new, just same 'ol, same 'ol. I hope you're all doing great :-)

Cindi
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Hi Cindi,

I'm at a loss for words.  I really don't know what to say except I'm sorry to hear things are still so difficult.  And I know you said you'll get through this, that "you always do" but it has to be exhausting right?  Please try to take care of yourself.  Your husband and your son need to learn how to take care of themselves, you can't do that for them anymore.  So please find a way to bring some peace into your life, whatever way that might be.  You deserve to be happy too you know.
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How are things? I havent been on much, how is Austin doing?
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I just read this whole thread and the last post was made the day after I got in a horrific accident that I almost died from. Alcohol and sleeping pills were involved. I got super close to the end on 3/19/12 and have been in and out of a wheelchair ever since then. I drank after I got out of the nursing home (got friends to pick me up, went out of my way to get bottles of vodka, walking on my obliterated legs in my medical boots) which really upset my mom and boyfriend but for a good few months now, I haven't been fixated on trying to get a drink. Since my hips started breaking and reluctantly had to get back into the wheelchair, I've had so much time all day to myself to think about what drinking really took away from me as opposed to what I ever got from it. If you are still out there, Cindi, post here or five me a pm.
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