Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
Please help.....
About This Community:

WELCOME TO THE ADDICTION: LIVING WITH AN ADDICT COMMUNITY. This patient support community is for family members and loved ones of people who are substance abuse addicts. Discussions cover how to help your loved one, enabling, coping with the emotional impact of addiction, intervention, and when to seek medical help. If you are not a family member of a substance abuse addict and instead need help with your addiction, please visit our Addiction: Substance Abuse Community to get the support you need.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Please help.....

I am the mother of a drug addict and I don't know what to do.  I found out this summer that my 29 year old son is an addict (oxicodin and prozac) and a seller.  I have been in denial for a while (his siblings were trying to get me to see the truth) and now I am trying to recognize the truth instead of closing my eyes to it.  Right now he is upstairs "taking a nap", but I think he is high.  He adamantly denies that he is high.  (He is also a gambler and has stolen money and property from me.)  He recently went into detox, but they let him out after only 5 days.  He stayed clean for 3 weeks, but now I think he is using again. He missed his outpatient session, and never rescheduled.  (He doesn't have a car since he smashed it up weeks ago.  ) Last night at 3:30 in the morning, he and my husband had a screaming match and my husband tried to throw him out.  He lost his wallet, which had money he won from gambling,  so he freaked out about that.  He ended up going to bed and my husband let him stay.  I feel like I am on the verge of a mental break down (I don't drink, do drugs, or gamble).  My son is destroying my life, his 5 year old daughter's, and our whole families'.  I am full of resentment.  I have heart palpitations and I cry consistently.  I am hiding all this horrible stuff from my family.  I am living and breathing a nightmare.  I know I should kick him out,,,,, but I haven't yet.  What do you think about my situation?
Tags: a depressed mom
34 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
1235186_tn?1339127464
hello and welcome. i am sooo sorry that you are in this situation with your son. i know how it can totally consume you. i too become so emotionally sick that it affected my physical health, with extreme migrances,panic attacks and was hospitalized  a few times with the diagnosis of having strokes. it was all stress related from living with and being consumed with my husbands and sons addictions. it isnt healthy for anyone involved.

has he always lived with you? does he work? is this the first you are aware of his addictions? denial is very common for the addict and their loved ones.
well if he went to detox, he admits he has a problem. when he came out if he didnt follow through with his outpatient program he isnt staying clean. detox for  5 days is only a chip off the iceberg.
i know how hard it is too think about having to ask them to leave. if he isnt working a recovery program he will continue to use.if you continue to provide him with a place to crash,a warm shower,food he has what he needs to sustain his life.
i know i hid "their" dark dirty secrets,lies and addiction from my family and friends. we feel we are protecting ourselves and them. we didnt choice this lifestyle, they did. we have nothing to be ashamed of. they make the choice to use and have to feel the consequences of their choices.
have you considered going to an alanon meeting? it will provide you with much support, and you will be in the company of those who are in the same situation as you are, having a loved one who is an addict.
does his daughter live with you? we are here to help you,support you and answer any questions that you may have. it really does help to talk about it and get another perspective on things.
sending encouragement and prayers....
there is always hope....
debbie
Blank
1235186_tn?1339127464
@we didnt choose this lifestyle......
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I two live with a addict.  We are about to boot him out. He is stealing from me and has traded all of his worth while stuff to get pills. My wife wants him out now. I am close. I have another son who is in a mental health hospital because of heavy drug use and prison. Talk about going thru hell I ca give guides tours. I wonder when it will end. The best of luck to you. Use Alanon it dose help
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for replying to my post.  I feel so alone.  I went to an alanon meeting once and it helped.  I am planning on going again.  I teach and tutor and I am so exhausted when I get home, I don't want to go out at night to yet another meeting.  I know I need it though.  Believe it or not, even your reply helped.  I told my son today that I need him to leave.  I can not keep going on this roller coaster ride with him.  My blood pressure is high and my depression is getting deeper.  I will not drink or take medication for the depression....so I pray.  I need him out of my home and I don't think he will go willingly.  Why should he?  I made it way too easy for him.  Then he holds his daughter over my head (she lives with her stable mother...thank God) and tells me I can't see her.  I know that my exdaughter in law will always let me see her, so I am not worried about that.  I told him I don't care, I want him to leave.  My husband and I do nothing but fight about him, my other kids have been telling me for a year to kick him out, and he is destroying my family.  His 5 brothers and sisters are all angry and resentful.  And honestly, At the Beach, I really resent him.  I guess I love/hate him all at once.  He is so selfish and self destructive.  Can you share anything else that can help me?  Thanks for taking the time to reach out.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
How do you cope?  My older son also went through the oxicodin addiction and is now on suboxone.  He made some crappy choices, but he is trying to take responsibility for himself and  his two children.  He works his tail off trying to provide for them.  I did the prison thing with him too.  It was hell.  I cried so hard I broke a blood vessel in my cheek.  I am so afraid that we are heading there again.   My husband and I are religious, straight as arrow people.  No drugs, he has wine now and then, no gambling, etc.  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??  I feel like a colossal failure as a mother.  And now I feel like I brought this misery on myself because I let it go on too long.  I was in denial for over a year.  My other kids have been trying to get me to see the truth for a long time.  I wanted to believe the best..... Have you kicked your son out before or is this the first time?  Tell me more about how you have coped with you journey in "hell".  Thanks for sharing.  I need to know I am not alone.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Debbie

What is the name of the Christian rehab that takes donations?  My son doesn't have insurance and we can't afford rehabs either.  

Thanks.
Blank
1235186_tn?1339127464
Hey tori,
So you have been through this before with your older son. Don't blame yourself . I did that also . If only I had stopped enabling earlier,if I would have known earlier,if I would have known the signs, if I would have told fily and friends, if I would have......should of, would of, could of.....well I didn't. I guess I hadn't hit my rock bottom yet and neither did the addicts (my husband,my son and daughter).  Don't give up. Keep the faith. My son has been clean for 3 years and doing wonderful, my husband has been for 2 yrs and 9 months, my daughter 3 weeks in rehab. I too have been in recovery now for over 2 yrs. we need time to heal and we have to continue to work our recovery. I go to church , lots of prayer and bible study , I have been going to the gym, alanon, counsel with my pastor and a therapist, spend lots of time at the beach sitting and walking.
I know the Hurt,anger,sadness,depression,Rage,bitterness,anxiety,insanity the pain goes on and on. So many things stolen,at one point when they were all using at the same time they blamed each other, so dysfunctional. I also have 2 younger sons who are 13 & 14. They have been through so much. We are all healing each and everyday. Please follow through with getting him out of the house. Call the police if you have too. You need some peace.

Don't let him continue to manipulate and deceive you. Don't let him run the house. Your house, your rules. Be strong. Stand together with your husband.
Always available whenever you need to talk. What state are you in? I can look for Christian rehabs for you.

Sending prayers,
Debbie
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am going to a meeting tonite after working all day. I need to do this or I will crack up. I asked my wife if we could bring his friends and our family but she refused not wanting to be embarrassed. How sad that she fells this way. I cop with Medataion and hypotonos. I also run 10 miles threr
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Three times a week and lift weights and ride a bike. I also will not take pills. I hate PILLS!!!!   I to have led a honest life and do not know how and where it went wrong?  My wife and I were there for them but we were not there when the *** hole scum bags offered them pills. Hopefully my youngest gets it together or out he goes. He has threatened to kill himself. I have no control over that. I only have so many years left.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am going to a meeting tonite after working all day. I need to do this or I will crack up. I asked my wife if we could bring his friends and our family but she refused not wanting to be embarrassed. How sad that she fells this way. I cop with Medataion and hypotonos. I also run 10 miles threr
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Thank you Debbie for responding.  Thank you for sharing the positive, because right now it is hard to focus on anything positive.  I am glad that your son and husband are on the right track and I will keep your daughter in my prayers.  I am a Christian and my relationship with God is the only thing that has kept me sane.  It has been a long hard journey.  When my son went to jail (3 months total- 1 month one year and two the next) I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown.  It was horrible and my youngest son said it was the worst time in his life, because of what it did to me.  That son is ok, works hard  and is taking responsibility for his children. This time I feel so tired and weak.  I am fighting depression constantly.  We are considering throwing him out, but I will wait until after my daughter's wedding next week.  I don't want all this drama right before her big day.  I do feel guilty about both of their drug use even though I tried my best to be a good mom.   I never modeled any of this behavior.  Always took the straight and narrow route.  There were problems.  My marriage was not strong and my husband had anger issues....oh who knows.  Please let me know about the rehab options (I live in NJ) but I am not sure that he will go.  He thinks he can lick this on his own.   I have to go, but thanks again for responding to my post.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Dear Macysman,
How many children do you have?  How old are your boys?  I feel like cracking up myself right now.  My problem son is not only a drug user, seller, but a gambler too.  I wonder how the heck I birthed him.  I am such a rule follower always on the straight and narrow.  It makes me sad and I feel like a failure of a mother.  Or I can blame my husband... he has many issues.  But I guess it really is not helpful to assign blame.  I pray a lot and that helps.  But lately I can not get out from under the stress and depression.  I work (teach) and am too worn out to do much else.  The other day I woke up at 3:30 in the morning to a screaming, cursing match between my husband and son.  I want to throw them both out.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  Thanks for a sympathetic ear.  
Tori
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Tori,

You are not alone, definitely not.  I have a 23 year old heroin addict daughter and have really been through a lot with her this past year.  I just wanted to chime in and tell you please, please don't feel guilty.  Sometimes even the best parents in the world raise multiple children and one of them comes out an addict and the others are fine.  Its partly genetics, some people are susceptible to addiction and others are not.

I've learned something very enlightening in Alanon, its the 3 C's:

I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It

Only they can cure themselves, they have to want it.  Please keep going back to Alanon and post here as much as you need to.  It all helps.

Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
Tori

I'm so sorry that your son's addiction is causing you so much mental anguish, and heart break. xo I agree that you should be dealing with this after your daughter's big day, Congratulations on your daughter's wedding.

I know how angry and resentful that you have a right to be, but I'm wondering if you might like to contact a Drug Rehabilitation Centre and talk to a therapist about holding a " loving intervention".  Having the family sit around and read letters about now his addiction has impacted their lives, and then offering a 90 day hopefully, if not 30 day residential rehab centre offering him a year of aftercare plus strategies (NA), possibly clean and sober half way houses for living afterwards, one on one therapy dealing with cross addictions, alcohol, gambling. The bottom line of the intervention is to make clear, in front of a counselor that your family loves him but are no longer willing to support his addiction.  Knowing that the family will avail themselves to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon and any family component of his residential recovery can be a very motivating factor for an addict. Though their addiction has robbed them of their loving ways, they still love their families and appreciate knowing that there is some hope that the family can be reconciled.  

I know that your mad as hell right now, and this is alot to ask of you. Please remember that this addiction is ruining his life, he's not having fun as an addict I can assure you of that. I've been to jail. It's like living in hell.  Addiction is a family disease and can best be resolved with loving family support. That's not to say that you can start your sentence, "I love you very much, but I cannot help but be angry with how this disease is affecting my family, my children, my husband, my health."

You have a little bit of time to get an intervention in place. If your son is unwilling to go to a treatment program after having this family intervention, then tell him he must go, and that you will not support him any further until he has proven himself through an acceptable recovery program.

Many addicts simply cannot get clean time from being without drugs in jail. Although they have no access to drugs, they also have no access to proper rehabilitation, so it's very hard to blame an individual who has not received the kind of therapy that is necessary to change their way of life. Somethings to think about?

God bless your family, and enjoy your daughter's beautiful wedding. Please know that there are so many victories in recovery, and that you have not lost your son, he has just not found the right help right now. Please try and get him into rehab through intervention and not just throw him on the streets. When that happened to me, I was drawn into iv drug use and contracted the Hep C virus, done the right way, maybe this can be avoided for you son.

Take care of yourself, please feel better, there is help for your son Mom.

Liz
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
http://www.choosehelp.com/newjersey/drug-rehabs-alcohol-rehabilitation-programs/americas-keswick

This is a free/affordable 3 month christian rehab in NJ.
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
Call Now to Find a Christian Drug Rehab Today!
1 (877) 341-0329
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
http://free.rehabcenters.com/

Free rehab centres
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
Faith Farm Ministries is a free, minimum 9 month, faith-based, addiction recovery program with residential services for more than 400 men and women who have lost control of their lives due to alcohol and/or illegal and pharmaceutical drug addiction.

Everyone knows someone … has loved ones, friends, siblings, parents, children, co-workers and/or neighbors that suffer from addiction. It’s an epidemic! Help Fight Addiction … It is everyone’s battle.

For over 60 years, Faith Farm has served and continues to serve an ever- growing need for our program in our community at no cost to our residents. Faith Farm has also become a viable alternative to incarceration, saving thousands in tax dollars. It is estimated that over 37,000 people have been helped in Faith Farm’s effective addiction recovery program.

http://www.faithfarm.org/

Call to schedule your Free Pick Up of your donations
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
Drug Rehab - No Insurance? Learn Your Free Rehab Options

http://ezinearticles.com/?Drug-Rehab---No-Insurance?-Learn-Your-Free-Rehab-Options&id=849990
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I'm sorry for your pain,too.  I hope things improve for you and your daughter.  The guilt is a funny thing... he is totally opposite from me and yet I wonder what I did wrong, or what I didn't do.  I know I have to get myself to alanon, because I need to rewire my thinking.  THe three Cs makes a lot of sense.  I am so emotionally and physically drained that I get home from work, I collapse.  I will try to get myself help though.  I know I need it as much as my son does.  Thanks for all the words of comfort and encouragement.  They definitely helped.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for your helpful advice.  I am going to call the Christian rehab center in NJ.  (Part of the problem has been the money that is needed for treatment- he doesn't have any and I have nothing to spare.)  If you are saying there is a place where he can go for free, I will check it out.  He may be resistant, because he thinks he can do it by himself... I will gather the information and see if I can get the family on board.  Thanks for all the advice.  How are you doing?  Are you straight now?  Tell me your story (if you are comfortable with it).  Thanks.  Tori    
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I know what u r going threw kinda my sister is an addict to heroin. One thing i can sat is dont give up. If u give up they will feel alone and unwanted and that will lead to harder drugs and possibly them over dosing on something. My sister has 3 kids and is neocap today getting the help she needs and wants. You can kick him out but let him know when he wants the help to get clean u will be there but u wont be there while he is throwing his life away. If u r on Facebook look up a guy named jeremey taugner he is an ex addict trying to get more rehab centers in r town and he is a good friend to talk to if u or someone u know is an addict. Ur family is in my prayers  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am sick to my stomach. I just booted my 22yrd old son out.  He went to have a root canal finished up and he got a script for pain meds. I told him to tell the doc that he was a addict an ask for Motorn. Instead he lied to me and said he thru away the script. My wife call two pharmacies and he had it filled. At first he lied. I could not look at him when he got home. Thanks to my wife who has the balls to deal with booting him. I feel like ****. I tried every thing. I really did. I believed all his bull ****. I dropped him off at a aa  meeting. He said he magically found a sponser today at the drug store. I  was told at Alanon that this is what I had to do. I can hear my heart pound as I type. How embarrassing  when friends an co-workers talk about there kids and I had two addicts   I hope tomorrow gets better. Thank you for listening
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am sick to my stomach. I just booted my 22yrd old son out.  He went to have a root canal finished up and he got a script for pain meds. I told him to tell the doc that he was a addict an ask for Motorn. Instead he lied to me and said he thru away the script. My wife call two pharmacies and he had it filled. At first he lied. I could not look at him when he got home. Thanks to my wife who has the balls to deal with booting him. I feel like ****. I tried every thing. I really did. I believed all his bull ****. I dropped him off at a aa  meeting. He said he magically found a sponser today at the drug store. I  was told at Alanon that this is what I had to do. I can hear my heart pound as I type. How embarrassing  when friends an co-workers talk about there kids and I had two addicts   I hope tomorrow gets better. Thank you for listening
Blank
1235186_tn?1339127464
We do believe them at first. They are our children, we raised them to. E truthful and to do the right thing. We trust them, as parents we should trust them. When they continue to make  the wrong Choices,continue to lie , deceive and manipulate, they break trust. We can't believe them, as they continue to use and abuse drugs their brain chemistry changes, the only thing that then matters is they get more drugs, whatever that takes.
It is heartbreaking I know. I also threw my at the time 23 yr old son out.
There is a fine line between helping and enabling. We have to stop enabling and they have to start helping themselves. We ask questions, they lie. We try to reason with them, they can't reason when they are abusing drugs.  The whole situation becomes insane. We get just as sick as they are. We get consumed by their addictions, we check their stories, call pharmacys,check phone records,search their rooms. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
It is ok dad that you threw him out, he has to figure it out himself. We keep them fed, clothed,sheltered, comfortable,they need to be uncomfortable and they need to realize what their choices are doing to them and their loved ones. They steal from us, we forgive them. My son used to punch holes I. Walls and turn over furniture. He started using pot when he was 14, did Xanax and coke. He never did opiates, my daughter did. Once I kicked my son out within 6 months he got a sales job and has been in the same job for 2 yrs and 9 months longest he ever had a job, he has been clean for 3 yrs and 3 months. Don't lose heart. He will have to make his own way.
Stand strong. Keep going to alanon, it does help. Many others have also had to throw out their children. I also had to kicky daughter out , she has been in rehab for 3 1/2 weeks and is doing fine. I am so glad you posted. This forum is really very helpful and supportive, we have all been where you are.
Debbie
Blank
1235186_tn?1339127464
sorry about the typos, typing on my phone.

how are you tori? getting ready for your daughters wedding?
enjoy the day, focus on your daughter.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Trying to get ready for the wedding on Friday.  I will write sometime after that.  You gave me a lot to think about.  
Thanks-
Tori
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
My heart hurts for you.  I had one son get arrested for trying to fill a phony script that he stole from a doctor.  Doing the jail thing was brutal.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I know the embarrassment that drug addict causes.  I can't even tell me family that my second son is an addict.  We are going to my daughters wedding this weekend and I am hoping my son remains straight.  If not, I will not be hiding anything.  Everyone keeps telling me his behavior is not my fault.  I am saying the same to you.  It is their choices... not yours.  Hang in there dad...it will get better.  You are in my prayers.  
Blank
1235186_tn?1339127464
Hi tori,
How are things going? You had a beautiful day on friday for a wedding.
Congrats. How is your son?
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Hi.  The wedding was lovely and the weather was perfect.  We managed to get through the weekend without any "drama".  That in itself is a miracle!!  Right now we are dealing with my son's depression.  I don't think he has done any drugs... he doesn't seem high.  He doesn't want to go to rehab, unless it is with Dr. Drew in Hollywood.  He knows if he screws up again he will have to leave.  He had a big fight with his ex and told her he hates her guts, so she blocked his call and he can't call his daughter.  Still no job.  I am just waiting to see what happens next.  Keep praying for us.
How are you?  Hows your daughter doing?

Tori
Blank
1235186_tn?1339127464
tori,
how are things going? there is always hope...............
he wont go to rehab. unless it is with dr. drew in hollywood? that
is such a manipulative,trying to take control action on your sons part. has he contacted dr. drew?
my daughter is doing awesome, she has been there for 5 weeks.
the LORD is doing great and mighty things in her and through her. she feels so blessed and grateful for her family and her upbringing. she has a new apprepication for the things she always took for granted.
sending prayers,hope,support and prayers,
Debbie
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Reading ur post brought tears to my eyes, as my family is going thru the exact situation as yours. Your story is our lives. My brother, 29 started use ing pain pill, oxi's, pain patches (which he sucked on). He's OD two times that I'm aware of. But I'm sure there's sooo much more we don't kno about. To go back a Lil, our father was also an addict, same as what my brother was talking, in fact they did it together for years. My brother finally started begging us to put him into a rehab. He doesn't work, has no money , which means no insurance sadly. I have been fighting sooooo hard for both my brother & father. It's ripping my heart away. I can't get them in anywhere.! So finally eric my brother moved back to my moms here in Ca, (dad lives in Oh.). I searched for mths looking for a centre for my brother. Finally found a place, called sober living. We as a family cldnt have been more happier! Like thank u God! Finally!!! Well 2 mths after my brother moved from my fathers, well... I got a call one day from a hospital in Ohio saying my dad had over doused & now is on life support. I just cldnt bear the pain! ;(. I had to fly out an sit w my dads body for 4 days till I got the strength to let the dr's take off the life support. It was the worst day of my life! Six mths has now past, eric, my brother was doing soooo well at the beginning of treatment. But my mom & I both started noticing things, Lil things here an there. I kno in my heart he is using again. So he now lives w my poor mom that is trying soooo hard to help her son. He can't work, not sure he even has had a job in 4 yrs. it's jut so sad, we lost r father to this & my brother at that point again where he jut doesn't care. Doesn't wana hear it. Thinks we talk about it to much & blames everything on us. My mom feels like a prisoner in her own home. I don't kno what else to do, I'm so happy I found a page w people going thru similar things. I kno eric needs a real rehab center, he nvr got that, bcuz we have not enuff money to pay for it. I don't kno what to do anymore... I think all that happened in the sober living house, is he found new friends to get drugs from. I truly believe that. So hard... Thank you everyone... to those who even reads this ! I'm glad ur out there!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I HATE pill TOO!!! I want to start something, I just don't kno how. The dr wld give my father 260 heavy duty pain pills every 2 weeks!!! I hope the doctor completely responsible for my fathers over dose! I want to start something that changes the way pain meds are managed, a huge as cross state wide thing. Where a stupid *** dr can't give out 420 pills a mth to my father! He shld b in prison an my dad shld b alive. How can we start this???
Blank
480448_tn?1403547723
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad!  I agree completely about that being a ridiculous amount, but it is not always the case.  Pain meds have their place, and are very uiseful, when they are used properly.  What's sad is, because of the HUGE problem of abuse, people that genuinely need them, either can't get them, or have to jump through so many hoops, it's insane.

If your dad was abusing them, hon, he was responsible, he made the choices he did, as hard as that is to hear.  I DO think the doc Rx'ing that many pills a month is not right, and he should be investigated, for sure.  However, this isn't all on the doctor.

You may want to start your own thread, so people can offer you their opinions and suggestions.  Maybe even on the "addiction: social" forum...that may be a more appropriate place.

Again, sorry for the loss of your dad.
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Addiction: Living with an Addict Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
Sep 18 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Addiction Answerers
5347058_tn?1381192026
Blank
ariley13
Boston, MA
271792_tn?1334983257
Blank
IBKleen
Cumberland Plateau, TN
3197167_tn?1348972206
Blank
clean_in_ks
KS
4113881_tn?1401895587
Blank
ActingBrandNew
Torrance, CA
495284_tn?1333897642
Blank
dominosarah
City of Dominatrix, MN
1235186_tn?1339127464
Blank
atthebeach
on the beach, NJ