Powerless Mother of a heroin addict about to lose my mind!
My 24 year old beautiful, talented, witty and smart daughter Sara is addicted to heroin. I found this out in February when she threatened suicide and had her involuntarily committed to a mental health facility for evaluation. I suspected drug use but did not find out it was heroin until I was actually filling out the paperwork and texting her friends for help finding her. They said they knew she was using for at least 6 months but were trying to get her help themselves and thought that by telling me they would lose her friendship. At that moment my ex husband and his new wife claimed to be "on the same page" with the commital. However, after 72 hrs in one facility and just a few days more in another, they agreed to allow her to be released, even though I had information on getting her into an involuntary rehab. Since then, everything has gone downhill. At the time of this commital, heroin residue on foil and straws were found all over inside her vehicle. The police said it wasn't enough to charge her with. Of course, since then my daughter has hatefully told me that I am dead to her and she will file a restraining order against me if I &*(*&^ with her life anymore. In March she was involved in a drug related stabbing and ended up having to get stitches. Thank God it wasn't more serious but what was my daughter thinking, jumping through a vehicle window for her drugs? She got beat up, stabbed and thrown out of the car. Yes, the police took a report. Her father was the one at the hospital (I am out of state). Again, he did not pursue getting her treatment. Now I find that she was arrested on 4-18 for 3 felony narcotic charges. She pled not-guilty at her first hearing and now claims to have witnesses to prove that she lent her truck out to friends, and the drugs were theirs. I spoke to the arresting officer and he said he found the paraphanelia AND heroin everywhere...her purse, cupholder, door and glove compartment, etc. He said she looked horrible, spoke a mile a minute (asking him how to get out of this mess) and that she had a terrible rash on her neck and chest that she claimed she contracted from some pitbull. To make matters worse, now I find that she is engaged to a 40 year old felon with open warrants in several states. He had a court date last week that he didn't appear at and now there's a warrant in AZ too. My ex husband has turned a phone on for my daughter, won't give anyone else the number, and thinks that because she calls him, that everything is ok. My daughter claims she is pregnant by this predator, is marrying him ASAP and that they are going to AK to work on fishing boats. I have tried every avenue possible to let the authorities know that the chances are high she will not appear at her court date on May 9th because she has probably already run off with this fugitive, who has a very violent past (including being involved in the death of an infant). I am at my wit's end. I cannot get any support from her father, as he thinks I am the enemy...not realizing that it is the addiction illness, the drug itself, this felon fiance and my daughter herself that are the enemies to worry about. I am so scared for my daughter's life and don't know what to do. This has completely taken over my life and I cannot function, as thinking of my daughter getting high, hurt or possibly killed literally takes my breath away. Please, someone, help. Help me help my daughter. I cannot bear losing her. Thank you, Sara's Mom
I loved a girl who i met in AA that had a cocaine problem. No matter how i wanted it "for her" i felt helpless.
There was a comedian John Larroquette whos family said "we dont mind if you kill yourself , but please don't make us watch" I related to that....its important to know it's not your fault, shes not a bad person doing bad stuff, shes a sick person with a disease for which there is no know cure. I used to drive the streets of my town looking for my GF all night long to save her, The crappy part is you may have to pray she reaches her bottom, that place all of us reach when we reach the moment of truth, either climb out of that hole or die. it is at that point we reach/ask for help we are ready......then you.. absolutley be there. no amount of grey hair, ulsers, sleepless nights, constant worry will change the outcome. I ask god (higher power) to give me strenght to handle what he puts on my plate and try to belive that nothing happens in this world by mistake, that something wonderful will come out of this seemingly horriic situation.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My family is going through the same thing with my brother. I wish there were words you can say to your daughter to wake her up, but unfortunately there aren't. We have tried everything to help my brother, and he has been through some crazy stuff too because of his addiction, but as of today, he still doesn't want to get clean. I know you don't want to hear this, because I didn't want to hear it either, but there isn't anything you can do. This is a battle your daughter must fight, and a decision she must make on her own. Maybe going to jail will be a starting point for her, at least she will be forced to detox and she will have time to think about where her life is heading. Maybe jail will be her bottom. I know it goes against everything our hearts feel when it comes to watching those we love self destruct, but this is the nature of addiction. It tries to take the addict and all those involved with the addict down. The best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is to get support for yourself. You really are not alone in this. Sending prayers your way...
Praying for you and your daughter as you walk through this journey. The only words of wisdom I can give you is - God loves her even more than you do pray for his protection and just let her know you love her and you will be there for her when she decides she wants to change her life. He (God) is there in the darkest places - he is with your daughter and I pray that you will feel his loving arms around you tonight - and that you will have a good nights sleep and wake refreshed and ready for a new day! You are not alone - all our hearts ache for the ones we love that have lost their way.
Thank you so much for your support. My 'real life support is waning, because it seems that my addiction to my daughter is getting old with everyone. I was so hoping to help Sara hit her bottom by softening her landing, but she won,t let that happen. I think if the drug were her only bad choice right now (as if that's not enough) I wouldn't feel so lost. But now she has this older, disgustingly gross felon with a violent past (involving a murdered infant, fraud, burglaries & drug charges) teaching her how to 'beat the system. I pray every day for God to watch over my baby. SO MANY THINGS remind me of Sara throughout each day and i just bust out crying again. I am already on 3 blood pressure meds, nitroglycerin and am having another shingles outbreak from stress as i type this. (My first outbreak was 14 months ago when Sara pulled more hurtful behavior towards me.) I have tried so hard with her since I left her dad when she was 11 and can,t help but blame myself for what is happening. If i stayed married would she be this way? Should I have had her medicated long ago instead of trying to get her counseling first? Did I pay more attention to her twin siblings when they were young than I did Sara? I doted on her 24/7 knowing she was going to be my last child. Did I give her too much? Too little? I have had rough times in my life and have had times of stress and depression but always managed to pull myself out of it. Did my low points teach her wrong behavior? I have so many questions and no answers. Not real answers anyway. This is the toughest test of my faith I have ever had. Please keep Sara in your prayers. I wish there was a way to post a pic of her. I long to see the sparkle in her eyes, to have her REALLY LOOK AT ME and say 'I love you Mommy'. I am so scared I will never get that chance again. Thank you so much for your support. I want to get stronger to be able to help all of you too. Hugs from Sara's mom. (I never really went by my name when the kids were little. Being their mom was all that mattered. I am so lost).
I'm so sorry to read your daughter's story. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this. We are going through some of the same things you are with our 23 years old heroin addict daughter. Please try not to focus on images of your daughter doing drugs or other destructive things. It will only drive you crazy. Believe me, I know. Truth is you have no idea what she's actually doing. I'm not saying it isn't happening, it obviously is, but images in your mind serve no purpose. I'm going to sound crazy right now, but when I start doing that, I force myself to "think in words" not pictures... I hope that makes sense...
When my daughter ran away the first time I flew all the way across the country to track her down and talk her into rehab. After 2 1/2 weeks in a hotel and 1,000 miles on my car rental she agreed to go to detox. To make a long story shorter she obviously wasn't ready... She detoxed, I saw my daughter "come back" and then she left again. Now she is back with the same criminals she was with before. She will not get clean and stay clean until SHE decides to do it.
Please don't give her money or even "things". Believe me, we've found out that anything can be pawned, ebayed, or traded for drugs, anything. In the very beginning we thought if we put a little money on her credit card at a time we would get an itemized list of where it goes... NO... found out the hard way, Walmart is a great place to charge gift cards to be traded for drugs...
You might want to get the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It has helped me a lot. I'm still a terrible mess, but it gave me some perspective on my own life and how destructive the thought process you (and I) are experiencing.
Hang in there, the people here are wonderful and will help you as much as possible. They are my lifeline too.
After I submitted my reply, I saw yours come up. DON'T blame yourself. You did not hold her down and make her do drugs. You cannot hold her down and make her stop either. As a good friend of mine here told me in the beginning of our ordeal, you are not that powerful, don't kid yourself. I wish she were wrong, but its the truth.
That is so true...I have not had any say in her decisions for so long...and yes, I do imagine what she is doing all the time and it fells like my heart is about to stop. I try not to imagine the visual things and it is really hard. Thinking in words makes sense. I am so sorry your daughter has relapsed. You have done everything too. I am 2500 miles from her and wanted to do whatever possible to get to her court hearing but wonder if that would do anything. My ex and his wife will be there in their normal tag-team position, waiting to somehow blame me and throw me under the bus. That is why part of me thinks that rushing there will do no good so I am trying to get information to the authorities before her hearing. They need to know that she is involved with this monster and also have evidence of her drug use. I can't believe her father wouldn't fight more to get her well. He actually sat in the court at her initial appearance, chatting with this 'fiance'! I would have had the pig in a headlock! I was ALWAYS the parent to viciously protect my children and not being able to is the hardest thing. Please keep in touch. I wish I could stop crying and enjoy my other grown children and new/upcoming grandbabies. Sara's addiction is robbing them of not only a great sister and aunt, but also a normally doting mom and gramma. :(
You have to get yourself together for the sake of the rest of your family. Please try and distract yourself with other things and limit the amount of time you "meditate" about your daughter's situation. It isn't helping and it is destructive to you. You are loved and needed by the rest of your family too. Don't allow her to take you down with her, it isn't fair to you or the rest of the family...
I wanted to remind you that Adam and Eve had the best parents EVER and they still did what they wanted. :) You did the best you could at the time - If we could all do it over knowing what we know now, we would - but it is what it is -We can't blame ourselves and remember its in those broken places that they can finally find that God is faithful. My alanon meetings have taught me you didn't cause it, you can't cure it -and just focus on doing the next right thing - Try to get your mind to focus on where your hands are. I'm praying for your family as your hearts are broken - often our hearts are just broken enough to allow them to be a soft spot for our children to fall. Remember love always hopes, always persevers, and love never fails.
I know it sounds silly but I started a blog about a stupid RV renovation I started. Woohoo. I try so hard to think of other things but find when I am not busy my mind wanders and I end up crying like a baby. I already have health problems and am in constant pain so having such a heavy heart makes me even more miserable. I am not a negative person, never have been. I love to laugh. I just find that now I laugh on the surface but it never gets to my heart. Here is my little blog....not much, but I am trying to stay positive with little things. :(
Love, Sara's mom
I apologize but didnt read others responses wanna give u a fresh eyed perspecrive.1st she will go to jail and ITS THE BEST THING FOR HER.Once she has sobered up dont b surprised when she contacts u.The BEST THING IS JAIL ITS FORCED REHAB.Chances r she will get offered a long term in house rehab instead of prison where if she messes up she KNOWS she will do prison time.When she is n a cell,kicking cold turkey,then sober all she has time to do is think.thats what she needs.I want u to know and truelly n ur heart believe this:
YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING ABOVE AND BEYOND TO SAVE HER WHILE DAD IS TRYING TO BE HER FRIEND YOU HAVE BEEN A MOM A WONDERFUL LOVING CARING MOM.She will get aober and realize that As a recovering addict I can tell u all those who were enablers,buddies didnt try to help I dont even speak too(includimg family)those I hated,wouldnt talk to etc. they r my heart now.I know who wanted me healthy,happy,drug free and safe and I know who didnt care as long as we were buddies and I liked them.The latter r not n my life cause I know they didnt care enough to try2help me even if I wouldve cut them out cause I wanted to use.your being an amazing mom.I wish mine was like u.thank god I have a sister who did put her foot down(always like a 2nd mom).Im MUCH closer to her than my mom cause mom was my best friend not mom.U keep fighting,dont give up.she is blessed to have u
It was so wonderful to read your perspective on things. I hope when she sobers up she will feel the same way. I do have a question: she was in jail for 1 week waiting for her initial appearance where she pled "not guilty". She claimed that she got clean in that week and has snowballed her father into thinking she is drug free because of that week. Is that possible? I was told that she was using heroin (smoking it with a straw on foil) every day. How could she detox that fast? Is that even possible or just another lie? Hugs to you and your recovery....
@Jane, you r so correct bas a mother it's hard having to watch your child strung out on drugs. Thankfully, none of my kids suffered with the dragon, but I was a drug counselor as well as a Correction Officer, and there were plenty of times that I had to counsel mothers whom had nervous breakdowns trying so hard to save their drug addicted child. No matter what. They will not stop until they r ready. Sometimes. It never happens.
A friend just told her friends that her son is shooting heroin. It is the one that lives with her and is her youngest. He is going to rehab tomorrow and I hope he makes it. She has walked this walk with her brother (alcoholism) and two friends whose sons have fallen to the devil heroin and are struggling as well. she is being proactive and I pray all goes will with her. Be strong Jane and all those walking walk. It is one thing to deal with your own addictions (me) and another one to watch your flesh and blood slowly killing themselves. You all are so much stronger than me. I hope the road becomes straight and clean for your children.
Yoj did great with her! You cant blame yourself! Please go to the addiction social page click on the heading " i found my very first post" there is a poem. Its your daughter. She isnt sara ne more. She is herion now. Tough love is the only way in this situation.
The only way to survive loving an active addict is to learn to take care of yourself first. You already know how much energy gets sucked out of you every single day. You already know how much time is wasted in worry every single day. You already know that everything you've tried has has no effect on your daughter's addiction. Her addiction is not your fault. It was her choice to go down that road and it has to be her choice come back.
As another member said, jail just may be the best place for her at this point. At least you'll know her whereabouts and that she's relatively safe. Yes, rehab is often an option in these situations (depending on the charges) but again, unless the person has a deep desire to recover, relapse is as close as that open door to freedom.
When my husband was at his worst (he's two weeks away from one year sober) I allowed his behavior to set the tone for my every day of existence. Funny how you don't see it happening at the time. Also like you, I had the same anxiety-related health problems. Al-Anon really can help you get some peace back into your life. Just as the addict has to walk her own recovery path, so do we family members, and we don't have to wait for them to start that journey.
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