So lost

I really have no idea how to start this. I've been in a relationship for the past seven years. The same guy. The first two years were wonderful. We always met each other half way in the relationship. We both still live at home with our parents because financially we are unable to live together or on our own. After about 3-4 years my boyfriend lost his job. Note, that in the time we've dated he had a total of 6 jobs in the first 4 years. All were to better his pay and make it easier for gas and travel. But at the 3rd and 4th year he started acting differently. Suddenly he wasn't making enough money to pay for anything. I didn't mind it, I had less bills so I began paying for everything. I loaned him money, made sure he had money for his car payments and one toy he was still paying on. We've been in a few fights over the years but nothing that would break us apart. He has been without a job now for 3 years going onto four jobs. He tells me he is applying places. I've got him many jobs in the past so he could earn side money to at least pay for fuel.
I love him very much and I just wanted the best for him. Over the past two years I've noticed his health deteriorating, his teeth basically rotted out of his mouth so I paid for dentures to be made. In hopes that he would be able to build self confidence and get a job. He tends to be very sleepy and unable to do simple tasks without some excuse. Finally I guess I have had enough. I had dinner all cooked and ready this past Saturday evening, waiting for him to be at the house. He was an hour late when he texted to me that he fell asleep but would rush right over. Food was cold, I was worried, and emotional. I told him to just stay home. This turned into a fight of course. But all in all, he told me that he didn't want to tell me because he was ashamed of himself. He had been addicted to drugs and put himself into a rehab ( some daily thing) and was on methadone treatments.

I guess i don't know if I could consider it treating because I have no clue what he was being treated for. All of this seems so much to take in at once. I've been continually lied to for basically the entire relationship. I've had plenty of close calls with him, He told me he never smoked pot, 2 years later I find out he was smoking pot (which I could care less), He texts a girl about missing her and wanting to see her and would pay for her to visit or he would visit her (most likely with my money, but found out that she had no interest in him and lived 300 miles away)....

My concern is this. This is my first relationship, that has been serious. I have never loved or put so much into anything as this relationship. I am worried that he didn't care enough to tell me sooner to allow me to help him. I thought that when people are addicts they really shouldn't be in relationships. Is this why he treats me like he does. I recieve jack out of the relationship, but I love him and I can't see my life without him. However, with another lie added into the mix I know I could never marry someone who was willing to carry this out for so long. And figured that when he was "cured" which I doubt is even possible he would be like this is what I went through hun. Even though i lied to you everyday and week of where I was, why I lost my jobs, and why I cant keep them. Its because I was addicted to ( blank) and was treated with (methadone) which I will be on for most of my life.

Am I wrong that I want more answers? Is he just going to lie to me again and again about this situation further? I would like to know what he was addicted to and how long was he using? Why he chose to take the methadone route and not seek help with soboxone or actual Rehab. Why did he feel that I wouldn't be able to do anything for him? Did I deserve all the years of lies, and being mis treated because he selfishly cared only of himself. Leaving me alone constantly wondering and worrying. Always jumping down my back and blaming me for things when in reality it was him and if he would have taken that first step to allowing me to know that he was an addict, it would have been easier. Because now I only have hate and resentment, not knowing what the next day will bring, that I am not worth being told the truth to. Am I really that worthless when I've only tried nothing but to better him and make him feel better. I feel like the things I've done for him is more than most women do for there husbands, and look...I get this. I understand he didn't ask to be an addict, but, why was it something he needed to lie to me about. Is him coming clean after an hour of silence on the phone his way of maybe wanting me to leave him because it could be the best thing for him. I am really lost in all of this. I just don't want to overstep my boundaries and make him worse off. I just want to know these things, and apparently before I didn't deserve the right to know. I dont want to bombard him with questions. What is the best way to handle someone who is a recovering addict in asking them what and how long were they addicted, when they are sick is it because of the methadone? Do you have counseling? How often do you get treatments? Is there anyway for me to be able to believe anything you've told me the past 7 years? Was any of it true? (Because what would he have to loose, im basically gone, my brain is so far in outer space I don't have a clue when it will come back)


If anyone can help me get more answers and understand how to move forward with this, you have no idea how greatly I could appreciate this. I love my boyfriend even though I feel so hurt and torn. I just always want what is best for him and his life.

[Andie015]

What I got out of your post is that basically for the past 5 years you are the only one who cares...especially if he wants to have some other woman come to see him. I know love can be a strong emotion but the fact is you are dealing with a drug addict who refuses to be honest with you to any degree. Why put up with this?  You are lucky you don't live with him or have any children because you really need to make a clean break from all of this. If he's not willing to tell you his problem there is nothing you can do to help. Why put so much effort in if he's not willing to put in any?  Why be miserable when you don't have to?  Give him one more chance to be honest with you and put effort into your relationship...if he doesn't, don't allow him to walk all over you for one more minute....

[weaver71]

First off, no, you do not deserve the lies and chaos caused by his addiction, probably heroine and any opiate he could get. He has a serious disease that causes him to do all kinds of thing without thinking clearly about it. You are not the one on drugs, this is no fault on your part.

As for why he does the lying, cheating, coning, and possibly stealing, he is an addict who has no control over himself. That's no excuse, it's simply how it is to be an addict. If you would like to get a clearer picture of his thinking, read the Doctor's Opinion and ch. 1 of the NA or AA Big Book. I don't think methadone is enough to "cure" him. Addiction has no cure, it is a medical condition, but requires a life of self-discovery and hard work to be in remission. I can't tell you what is the right thing to do, but don't give him money, don't help enable him. It's hard to be in a relationship with an actively using addict. My wife stuck it out with me, but it wasn't easy on her at all. She stopped helping me in anyway, she refused to give me CPR again, I was in pretty bad shape. I had to stand up on my own two feet and find the help I needed to help me, it wasn't her job. Addiction effects everyone in the addicts life, especially those we love the most.

You may look up Alanon, support for family and friends of addicts. I think they would be able to support you and give you addvice. There's also a forum just for that here on medhelp, but it's not as active as this one. I'm really sorry you are going through this, it always reminds me of all my own short comings to hear these stories. Recovery is possible, but learning about addiction and how other families have dealt with addict members is important to help you know if he genuinely is in recovery. You will be able to tell if you know what to look for. I wish the best for you, but don't let him bring you down with him. An addict can destroy everything and everyone in their path. There is hope, but he must find a counselor, go to meetings, and change his life for himself, then add you into his new life.

[hope4good]

It sounds like the last few years have been hell.  It is not your fault at all.  His addiction has taken over him.  Living with a addict is pretty much impossible.  What i was told about relationships is after you get clean stay clean for a year and then you can think about a relationship.  i maybe wrong, you may never want to take him back, which I don't blame yourself I probably want to take him back either.I hope things get better.  Keep posting on here, it will help a lot.  

[Mizzroxy]

I was able to talk to him finally which made things a lot easier. He is someone who has a hard time showing his affection. Yet I do still feel weary of trusting him and it will take a long time if I ever can do so. I am willing to try. I sat down with a 2 page letter which told him how I felt, and that I wasn't mad at him, I was upset. Because I wish he told me sooner so he wouldn't have to do treatments alone. I've seen that methadone works. Not for everyone, but my brother in law was on it for 5 years, and now without it, after being slowly taken off it. He is well. Very well. I asked my boyfriend many questions, about when it started, what he used. And his potion as we will call it was oxys. He wasted a lot of money on it, which would be why he lost everything. He decided that his addiction was taking over his life, so he went to get help. He went for the methadone because it was the cheapest way. He didn't want to do the rehab because he didn't want me to know. He was afraid if I knew than I would leave him. He does therapy 3 or 4 times a month and he says that he is willing to do more. I had also a list of a few places for him and I locally that we can go together or him alone. I told him that a few of the people he still keeps in his life that are addicts of some substance should really be removed. He says because he is a loyal friend he feels like he ows it to them to help them get better. In the process though it makes me nervous as well as his mother because he tends to lie with whom he is with. Afraid of being "bitched" at because they don't approve. He is in the process of saving money so he can get what they call take homes. SO he wouldn't have to be at the clinic everyday. Which is my idea because i feel like a 4 hour drive everyday to the only clinic that can take him is whats making him sleep. I was afraid and i still am, even if he tells me otherwise, that he may be taking the klonopin with the one looser friend that he still hangs around. So if I can get him into the take home vials. He would have no purpose to be around this looser.. Because he takes this guy to the clinic with him so he can get his treatments. Even though the guy is waste of space and has been someone who ***** off my boyfriend and his family for a long time. My boyfriends parents did kick him out which was a help, but it still isn't keeping them away. My boyfriend has received treatments for 3 years now and the clinic is lowering his dose. He said I can go with him to prove that he really is only smoking pot. And i don't smoke pot, ( honestly Ive never done it, i don't do pills and i don't drink...I only drink water and occasionally Orange juice.) Anyway, I see nothing wrong with pot. It helps many people. Shouldn't be illegal. So my talk got me where I wanted. I told him I couldn't fix him but I am more than willing to put in 100% of helping him. But he needed to start with honesty. Then to get rid of the friends that use him, to get take homes, to do more therapy and maybe as a couple, and for him to get a job. Those are all goals that I told him we should work on within the next 2 months so that by spring or summer he would have a job to start saving, and work towards maybe moving out. He seemed impressed with me because I had put a lot of thought and research into this. I love him so much, and I know that within this time frame if there are any slip ups or more lies that I will have to step away. I can't watch him be destructive with his life because he has great potential to do great things. If he has been able to do all these things and have just let me in, one lie wouldn't have turn into thousands. Im still just hopeful that he wasn't pulling my chain and telling me things he thought I wanted to hear. I am hopeful it was from the heart.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm hoping that he's serious to about being honest with himself and you. I don't happen to believe that methadone should be administered to people getting off oxy's. I've been a IV heroin addict, as well as addicted to oxy's, crack, alcohol, pcp, acid, and I quit cold turkey. There are in many cases serious side effects to methadone, and I don't have a clue why one would be switched over the methadone for years. The years wasted on the DOC(s) was enough for me, and when I was done, I was looking forward to being clean and sober, period. Your boyfriend needs to put your relationship and his sobriety above all else (friends) IMO, and enter rehab so he'll have a foundation, and he can be treated with all the bells and whistles, including a family program for you to attend.  Anything less, IMO is half as-sed.  I have a hard time understanding why you two haven't even tried to move in together, in all these years.  Was there not a time when you were both working, or you could have managed on one salary?  Maybe the responsibility and commitment would have given him more of an incentive to achieve? Certainly he would have not been able to keep his use from you, and you could have helped 5 years ago, when things started to go off rail? This is a very tricky situation for you and you need to think long and hard about what your expectations are. You're doing a great job now, as your boyfriend said, but I would seriously expect your boyfriend to now attend rehab, and get the best care. There are outpatient programs, so that he can live in the real world, with the same programming (blood testing, family group, therapy, NA meetings etc.) If your boyfriend is not willing and able to attend treatment and aftercare, I would cut my losses at this point. I think that you need to attend Alanon or NarAnon, which will allow you to learn how not to enable your boyfriend , immediately. If you need to talk, please feel free to message me. My husband and myself got clean together back in July 99, so sobriety is possible. I don't know if i could say the same thing though, if either of us chose to take methadone. I think that would definitely would have set us back. Cold turkey works great.