I'm hoping someone can give me some advice. My son is 25, addicted to Percocets. Currently he does a minimum of two 30s a day. In the last year, he went to three detox programs. Each time clean about a week, if that.
Currently he's going to a psychiatrist that prescribed Prozac for him and seeing a counselor he loves. He trusts me and wants me to help him which I'm grateful I can help him. I hold the pills because he'll take them all if he has them. When he runs out of money, I give him money to buy more which is so expensive. If he doesn't take them, he can't work and he can't afford to lose his job.
I hate giving him money. I know I'm enabling when I do that but the fear of what he'll do is scary. He's pawned stuff for money including my jewelry and his dad's tools. I figure he'll get the pills one way or another. I don't want the disease to drive him to stealing.
The other day he called out of work and went cold turkey. It lasted five hours and he realized he'd just be sick the next day and had to go to work. Is there a way he can withdraw and feel good enough to get through work?
hi and welcome to MH. why does he have a script for percocets? does the psychiatrist know he is on the percocets? both of these drugs depress the central nervous system. which can be very dangerous.
you are definitely enabling him. "if he doesnt take them,he cant work and he cant afford to lose his job" why does he need to take them? because of pain, because he will go through withdrawal?
even if you hold his pills for him and he wants more he can get them elsewhere. they can be very cunning, deceitful , and manipulative.
if he lives with you, you need to set some rules and boundarys. STEALING is not to be tolerated. you have a fear of what he will do? maybe get arrested and go to jail?
as long as you continue to make him comfortable, give him money, food and a place to stay, why would he have to change. why should he detox? he has the best of both worlds. i know i sound harsh. i sent my son to rehab at 17 he hated me. he was clean for a few years and then used again. i kicked him out of our house and it forced him to get clean. he has now been clean for 2 yrs. has a great job.
does he want to be clean or you want him to be clean? yes there are things he can do to help the withdrawals more comfortable. not a magic bullet. it takes time to detox and cleanse the body,heart,mind,soul,emotions and spirit.
how long has he been using?
i know how hard this is. i too enabled then finally i had to be harsh and kick out my son. i am glad i did.
sending hugs and prayers
Thanks for responding. I definitely need to hear this. When you kicked your son out, where did he go? I think he'll spiral out of control. I work in the legal system and don't want him arrested, etc. A lot of people think that helps people when they're arrested but since I see it on a daily basis, I'm not of that view.
I'm the last person that has stuck by him so I hate to do that to him. As soon as he starts feeling sick, he panics. he can't focus or anything. Now he's working in residential apartments and he's afraid of himself that he'll steal things to pawn if he's withdrawing.
Sorry I'm rambling but maybe I should tell him I won't help him anymore. I always thought that was the easy way out for me. Trying to help someone is definitely hard work.
He doesn't have a script for Percocets. He buys them on the street. $30 each. He's been addicted for three years and my husband and I have known about it for two years. He's definitely making progress but it's slow. The doctor knows he's trying to wean from them. He sees his counselor this week. Hopefully that will help. It's great to talk to someone. Thanks.
hun that is a big red flag you are giving him money to buy off the streets. stop this right now. tell him you will not be part of his illegal drug use. did he go into detox because you asked him to? well if that is the case he wasnt ready to stop. did he go when you caught him stealing or found pills? that is usually sorry i got caught not sorry i am using.
when he came out of detox he needed to continue his road to recovery. attending counseling and support groups. he needs to change his "friends" that he uses with, where he hangs out, delete all drug related phone numbers. he just couldnt continue with business as usual when he came out.
my son slept in his car for a few days and then he stayed with friends. tell your son you will support him and getting clean but not his drug use. if he wants to stay with you, he has to go to counseling and meetings and make every effort to get clean. if you pay for his pills what does he use the money he makes for? do you pay his cellphone, does he drive? who pays his insurance? i know it is scary believe me, we think we are helping them but in the long road we are only harming them more.
does his counselor know he uses?
i have 4 children. my daughter is 20 and she has also had issues with drugs. when she got arrested at 18 with cocaine, she was put in a mandated intensive outpatient program and had to go to probation for one yr. i was glad at least i knew she was getting tested and was clean. my daughter was going to counseling and the anti-depressants werent working because she was using i had her confess to the counselor or else i would and she did. then the doctor could tell her about how bad her use was and not only hear it from mom. do you have anyone you can talk with? look up al-anon meetings they teach you how to set up boundarys and not be an enabler. can you talk to a pastor and have people you know pray for him. will he go and speak to a pastor?
you have been spending $420 a week for his habit. i am sure you have other ways to spend that money. did your son ever attend college? if not tell him you will use the money to pay for college courses. must better investment.
atthebeach made several good points, you are basically condoning his behavior by providing him with the money to make the purchase for something that is making him sick. And what this does is prevents them from reaching a bottom. Are you going to Alanon or a support group to help yourself while coping with this?
Thanks, atthebeach you're giving me a different perspective to look at the situation. The situation is a little complicated. He does work. He's an electrician. He did school and apprenticeship before drugs. Thank God. He also bought a house at 21. Maybe the mortgage for the house put him over the edge. I think it was too much to handle. He started making less money when the economy tanked. So the mortgage is 90 days behind like all of his bills. Like most addicts, when he would get his paycheck on Fri, it was cashed and money spent. Now he has the check directly deposited into my account. He has no access to it. That was a huge step. It's been like that for two months. So I pay his bills but he made arrangements with the bank, etc. Also about a month ago he said to me don't give me money for gas, please come with me to the gas station and put the gas in. So he's moving in the right direction. This week he's doing one pill a day, 1/2 and 1/2. He also has counseling once a week for an hour and he loves the guy, can't wait to see him. but I realize it's one step forward, two steps back. I'm just hoping to weather the storm.
thanks for the update. it sounds like he is taking the necessary steps towards recovery. maybe he should also get a part time for the nights or weekends and he should also look in a support group and get to a meeting or 2 a week. the busier he is the better. idle time is the devils workshop.
how long does he plan to continue with the one pill a day? is he having an withdrawal
symptoms? that is great that he likes his counselor. is he still seeing the psychiatrist and taking the prozac? it wont really work right until he stops using the perocet.
does the counselor and psychiatrist know he is using the perocet?
did you look into al-anon meetings?
i am praying for your family
He has acess to a Dr that can give him meds u can dispense2him through w/d like clonidine which helps a lot.U have to get the truth to the dr hes quitting needs meds to help w/that.drs r usually great w/helping to quit
My son just got put on suboxone about 2 weeks ago and he is still taking xanax and somas my husband and I are at our wits end as to what to do He is not doing anymore lorcets or heroin at this time but I am so worried about him taking the the other meds on the suboxone. I am so obsessed with what he is doing I can't hardly sleep at night anymore. He still lives at home and we are still paying for his cell phone but my husband wants to turn it off. He too has to do the drugs to go to work he is 24 years old. He came to me wanting to get off the lorcets and now he is still using its crazy. His dad and me feel like we are dying and its like hes clueless. Is the benzotes just as bad as the heroin and lorcets. We are almost at our breaking point. Tonight he was suppose to come home and he won't answer his phone. I really feel like i need to try to get an AA member to come to my house too so maybe they can encourage hin to go get help. I want to put him in a 1 year program but he cannot be on suboxone or anything before he goes. Its like we saw a glimmer of hope with the suboxone and now were back at ground zero. Help.
Otherwise you would go to the Living with An Addict homepage and click on the big green button that says "Post a Question" this way your post doesn't get mixed up with someone else's post. You will get a lot more direct responses this way from others with the same experience or issue.
Don't give up indeed. When someone hits their bottom or is about to hit bottom that is usually when we feel the most powerless over their addiction. Keep posting and keep coming back.
I understand how you feel. I have known about my son's addiction for two years. The first year I didn't sleep and was filled with guilt. I kept saying I wanted my son back. I didn't want this new person but after reading about addiction, I realized my old son wasn't coming back. The chemicals had changed his brain (not the correct medical wording) and this is who he is now. Try to get your son into a detox program, then AA meetings, or an Intensive Out Patient program.
My son got laid off on Thursday and that afternoon he started calling around for a bed at a detox facility. This his fourth time at detox but this time he's going straight to a 28 day residency program afterward. He's going there today. The insurance wanted him to do PHP(partial hospitalization) but I pushed for a residency program. I'm paying for it with the last few dollars I have. Hopefully it's worth it. But my son was never interested in a 28 day program and i wasn't interested in paying for it but that's where we are now.
I wish you the best with your son. Hang in there.
i am sorry to hear that he isnt doing well. i am glad he is again going to detox and this time will also enter an inpatient program. one step at a time. you will beable to rest when he is there and know that he is safe. we have another mom (pleasehelpmyson) she also put her son in in patient and then it was also suggested for him to continue in an outpatient program when he came home. 28 days just gets past the withdrawal part then he needs to continue in therapy, counseling and groups to stay a recovering addict. i will continue to pray for your family. have you been to a counselor,pastor or support group for you? please keep us updated.
sending hugs and prayers
I'm really happy he is going n2treatment.Here's the thing u paid for it(and its the best gift n the world+ur a great mom).Why not tell him(don't ask TELL HIM)go to a long term facility after the28days.Obviously not n the1st week or2but he needs to go to a facility that will help him adjust to the outside world(work,saving money etc)sober.N the 28day facility they will give him a list of places+help him get n+they will do it for free off his income(which is none).Or maybe ur insurance will help.I know a few people who did this.He will go2meetings daily,work after a little while etc.He is young this addiction has been a part of his life so long he needs2learn how to LIVE a sober life.They drug test randomly etc.This could b3,6,9,12months.Coming right back home not a great idea as he has relapsed so often.U can't keep letting this control ur life.LAY DOWN GROUND RULES.Also he can save money while n a extended stay/halfway house to get out get a vehicle,apartment whatever.U need ALANON meetings for u+ur hubby.U will learn how to deal w/this better+learn2know when to keep trying,what stipulations u need2set etc.B there for him but u deserve a life seperate from his addiction.BTW yes pills change chemicals n ur brain BUT that doesn't mean that great kid isn't still there he is but he has to b sober for a while(longer than28days)although u will c a lot of him back after that amount of time.Good.luck.
I agree with overopiates, one of the greatest tools I could have ever learned was how to set boundaries for myself. I didn't realize how much of my own actions were only helping them stay addicted. When you go into Alanon or a similar support group you think I am going to learn how to live "with them" but mostly I learned how to live "with myself." I had my own habits and patterns that contributed to theirs and continued to enable them to stay sick.
I'm going to an Alanon meeting tomorrow at the facility my son is at. Hopefully I'll learn from it. I went to a meeting at a place my son detoxed last time. It had addicts and family and my husband and I got a better understanding of addicts from them openly talking at the meeting.
One other thing, I told my mother yesterday how my son was in a 28 day program. She knows what's been going on. Here response was "I hope this works." with a tone. someone that doesn't understand addiction.
I'm going to distance myself from son. He's 25 and needs to be independent for himself. It's hard since we were close.
Thanks for the response. I'll check out another program after this one and when he comes home, I'll set boundaries. Hopefully the facility can help me with that. I was feeling like I was being pecked to death by a chicken. Now he's away I'm starting to unwind but it seems weird.thanks again.
Getting a little space will help you a lot. And go to meetings as much as you can or feel you need. If you have a bad day or kind of feel lost, its always good to go to a meeting and get some perspective on your situation. Everything will eventually "click"... and don't get worried if this doesn't happen overnight. I was always amazed at how patient I was with my alcoholics and addicts and how impatient I was with myself. I had some very unreal expectations of myself with running a program, lol so definitely be loving to yourself, be loving to your husband and maybe take some time out together to do something special even though you are both dealing with this issue. Keep us posted :D
My son lasted five days in the 28 day program. He was freaking out there. His blood pressure shot up and his heart was pounding and paranoia was terrible so he checked himself out and registered for an IOP that he went to before. He's also seeing his counselor who he likes. We'll see how it goes. Does anyone have any ideas for me to stay positive for him or how not to be a nag. My husband and I went to an Alanon meeting. We got scolded twice for talking to one person in the group and not addressing everyone. That's didn't go over too well with my husband. We're going to a different location. Hopefully it will be better.
oh boy thats not good.
how you are handling this? yes just go to another meeting, you might have to attend a few different ones to find the one that suits you. getting scolded isnt fun.
how is your son feeling now? he has to be patient. the withdrawals are rough.
is the IOP 3 days a week? have you been able to set up any boundarys or rules yet?
i know none of this is easy, i have been through this with my husband ,my son and my daughter. it can really drain the life out of you.
try to take care of yourself.
thanks for the update.please keep us posted.
hugs and prayers
I'm not sure what boundarys or rules to set. I gave him money for a haircut and there's no haircut and no money, so old problems seem to be reappearing. I won't give him money anymore. IOP will be three nights a week but he didn't call them yesterday. Hopefully he'll call today. I have to go to work. I can't babysit him. I'm going to be positive that today will be a better day. Thanks.
we all know how draining this can be..the ups and downs are incredible..i am so glad i found this forum..the advise given hear has helped me tremendesly. hopefully it will help you as well.. my son went thru detox (perc 30 same as your son)the 28 day program and now is in IOP..he attends meetings is working part time...he looks wonderful..however i am not convinced he is making all the right choices.i cannot make choices for him...he decided to go to a friends apt. on college campus i practically begged him not to go..he needs to have a life he says .. he says he is not doing anything..maybe he isnt..i hope he isnt..i cant lock him up like an animal although i wish i could...as for boundries we took his phone and his pc and he still found his old friends..i will not give him money..he cuts the grass takes out the trash does his own laundry and makes most of his own meals.. we did drug test him last week ..it was clean..i will drug test him the minute he gets home..he gets annoyed that we dont trust him but he does know we do it because we care about his wellbeing..i hate to say this but if he is using again or does use again i think i will have to put him out of the house..all we have done for him to get him well and for him to go back to it would be more than i could bear like a kick in the mouth..i do believe the addict knows what they are doing, exactly what they are doing even if they have no control over it..its all about choices..our whole life is about choices.everyones life is about choices addict or not..good luck with your son..you are in my prayers..
also let me add that my sons addiction did drive him to steal from his work place...as devastating as that was..it opened our eyes and most importantly it opened his...he also stole from us and his sisters..his sisters are having a difficult time forgiving him...heartbreaking..
You're so right about this website. It has helped me tremendously. It's opened up my eyes. I'm much tougher than I used to be. My son is realizing what a hole he has dug himself and I'm not helping him out of it. I went to an Alanon meeting and someone there said they tell their son they love him and will help him get treatment but nothing else so that's what I'm doing. I'm not sure my son is clean. I doubt it. He has all the answers. About drug testing, he says that he still has Methadone in his system from detox which was 10 days ago so I'm sure it's a lie. But part of me doesn't even care. I've done what I can. He has to do it now. Good luck with your son. I hope it works out for you. God Bless.
Definitely keep trying different Alanon meetings until you find one that you both feel comfortable with. The most ideal situation or meeting is one that has patience. I have been to some bad meetings myself and was very turned off by Alanon, but once I found a group that I felt comfortable with I was able to do a lot of growing.
There are online meetings too, some people feel more comfortable with these and they are more convenient. I enjoyed listening to people's leads too. It's a great feeling when you come out of the addiction aspect and realize that you are not as alone as you thought you were and there really are a lot of similarities with addictive behaviors, and by changing our reactions and responses to these behaviors we can literally redirect the situation without trying to "control" it.
I just wanted to write an update. My son enrolled in a suboxone program. It's been three weeks and things are going good. Over New Years, I'm not sure he was 100 percent on the subs but he is now.
His truck was repoed last week which he really loved so that was a touch of reality. My husband and I stopped picking up the pieces. I hope he sticks with it but he has to do it.
I was just looking for my CD drive that I haven't used in a while and it's nowhere to be found. I'm sure it's at the pawn shop so that's a reminder of how far he's come. After four rehabs, etc, I hope we're near the end but I've been afraid to be too happy but I've decided to live for today and not worry about tomorrow.
I read in one of the posts about mothers working for the CIA. I would join in that. He tells his father he can't believe how much I know But really what good does it do. He's going to do what he's going to do.
I wish everyone a Happy New Year. Thanks for listening.
hi. nice to hear from you. he just started the sub program a few weeks ago?
he had relapsed again when he came out of the rehab?
i know the roller coaster well. i have been on it with my daughter also.
thank GOD my husband is 23 months clean.my 26 yr old son is 2 1/2 yrs. clean. my daughter still in active addiction. we had to tell her to leave 3 weeks ago. she stole money and jewelry. my heart is broken. she is living with her bf who also uses. i have stopped being the enabler much earlier with her. i learned the hard way with my husband and son.
i can tell you alanon has been a GOD send for me. if you havent checked it out yet. please do.
my daughter also quit her job and is ready to have her car insurance cancelled for non payment and her registration revoked for unpaid tickets. i will not pay it. it is her mess.
i could be CIA/FBI/CSI and be making a very good salary. i could probably get you in. lol. sad but true the insanity we allow ourselves to get caught up in. we know the truth and so do they, but do they admit to it? absolutely not. we already have them indicted,convicted and sentenced and they are still trying to talk their way out of it.
be strong. hope and pray for the best. live and let live. one day at a time. let go and let GOD.
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