Spouse with substance abuse

It's been about 8 months since my spouse has confessed his struggle with substance abuse.
My efforts to help him receive professional help seem futile at best and are typically met with initial optimism (and what I believe to be a genuine desire to want/get help) but ultimately lead to a guilt-ridden result of no follow-through.
As his spiral continues, more and more secrets are revealed I'm finding his personal spiral to be pretty painful to witness. I have created an independent source of support for my intimate challenges surrounding marriage, trust, etc. through a doctor I consult with regularly, however I'm finding I still feel quite unfulfilled. Perhaps not with him, the addiction or the lies--but instead with the idea of how much whither a relationship can weather. Interested in hearing personal stories (with or without the sordid personal details) of how/when and why you hit your max-out-capacity.

[Ann2497]

May I ask what your husband is taking, how much and for how long?

I was taking Vicodin 5mg every day for 5 months averaged 3 a day but sometimes more on the weekends.  I got sick of the way they made me feel.  I would wake up in the mornings feeling depressed and just like crap.  Always feeling depressed.  Got tired of having to call the dr for refills, going to the pharmacy, getting the pills.  The entire routine just got old.  It wears you out after a while.

[PositiveDubb]

To clarify--I'm not a substance abuser, I'm someone caught in this world because I love someone with the disease.

He's an opiate addict, abusing pain killers.

While I can't personally understand the addiction, I do feel great compassion for those within the struggle. I can imagine the cycle of guilt and the idea of being trapped within the cycle itself. I don't think addiction is an easy thing to beat alone...big believer in creating some kind of supportive environment.

[atthebeach]

hello and welcome. your husbands confession is a step in the right direction. now he needs to take the next step and that is walking the road to recovery.
they manipulate,lie,deceive,steal,break trust. all of this can cause hurts,sadness,anger.
he needs to be work his recovery, that would involve counseling and support groups.
you didnt cause the addiction, you cant fix it. that is his job.
i am the wife of a recovering addict. he has been clean for 21 months.i have two children who also have or are using. it changes daily.
our marriage and our family have definitely been affected by his addiction.it is a family disease.  
we are still healing.day by day.
i attend alanon meetings a couple days a week. there i am learning how not to live in any of their addiction. i cant control what they do. they have to make their own choices and live with the consquences there of.

the trust has been broken and takes time to heal.
no amount of fighting,yelling,pleading or begging will get him to stop. when they are in active addiction that is the only thing that matters.
please check into alanon or naranon.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html

i want you to know that there is hope. you can be happy in spite of his addiction. yes he can be clean. it does take work.
sending hope,encouragment,prayers and hugs
debbie

[Jaybay]

You're falling into the same trap that most of us do in this situation.  At some point our lives become completely consumed with someone else's addiction.  What's he going to do today?  How much money will he blow and then deny it ever passed through his hands and down his throat or up his nose?  How many family events will he ruin or just not attend? How many times will he let you down in thousands of different ways because he's high or dope sick?  How many promises to get help with recovery will be broken?  Can I get him to eat something today?  Will he make it to work today? Now he looks physically ill - can I get him to see a doctor and tell the truth about his health?  How long will he lie to himself that he can stop or "control" his use without help?  How long will you believe those lies and give him just one more chance?

Like you, I wanted a roadmap to guide me out of the insanity.  Unfortunately, it doesn't exist.  We each have to draw that map ourselves.  It starts with establishing boundaries.  You have to decide what you can and cannot live with.  Then you make it clear to the addict what those rules are, the consequences of breaking them, and stick to your decisions.  Sounds simple, right?  Wrong!  Trust me on this - they know when you've really, seriously had enough and are deadly serious and they know when you're bluffing and just testing the waters.

See, "helping" an addict or an alcoholic appeals to our altruistic selves and it seems perfectly normal to help a spouse who has an illness.  With addiction, helping usually means enabling.  We rescue them from all the consequences of their addiction.  We keep the house going, the bills paid, the kids healthy, the pets fed, maybe we even bail him out of jail or pick him up when he can't drive, and above all - we keep the BIG SECRET with him.  We isolate ourselves and end up being just as big liars as they are in order to keep that big bad secret.  We get just as sick as the addict and not only don't help them but harm ourselves in the process.  And that's not marriage.  That's being a parent to an adult who is supposed to be your partner and companion in life.  Preventing a major crisis only puts off the potential epiphany and recovery and prolongs the misery.

The idea is to support the recovery but not the addiction.  That's a hard thing to understand.  If and when your husband decides to get serious about recovery and works a program either through a rehab facility or through NA/AA with a sponsor, that's when you can help him.  You do it by providing a safe and sane place recover.  In fact, you can get started now by getting plugged into Al-Anon or Naranon and learning the facts about what you're both facing.  That's where you develop the real tools to fight the good fight and write your own roadmap to recovery.  When your life becomes more important than his addiction, you'll be on your way.

[munchkin411]

That all sounds good but I'm am so worn out from taking care of everything I don't know where to get the energy to fight for the boundaries. I've tried denying him access to the money then I have to do anything that involves purchasing - getting gas in the car, picking up groceries, etc.  Again giving him the easy road while I'm working harder.  I've kicked him out but I felt like I was abandoning him.  He knows he has a problem, he tries (and fails) to be sober. The disappointment in himself, the guilt and the pain he suffers as he tries to deal with this on his own tears me apart.  I don't want to break up our family.  I want to be available to him when he takes that next step but I'm so, so emotionally exhausted I'm afraid I won't be much support when the time comes.  I spend so much energy trying to keep my life going in spite of his addiction, I'm just warn out.

[littlebit667]

Jaybay wrote about my life.  I have walked the walk and talked the talk.  What you are missing is once you set the boundaries (and going to ALAnon or NA will help you learn how to set those boundaries.) you are taking control of your life.  You do NOT have to do this alone.  When you have set them, your job is done.  He chooses whether he will or wont cross them.  Your energy is spent in not controlling HIM, but controlling how YOU deal with him.  Whole different paradigm.  You shift the emphasis and shift the balance of power.