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Support Forums for Spouses of Addicts
Does anyone know of a good online support forum for spouses of Addicts, preferably prescription pill addicts.  I want to talk to others who are affected by wives or husbands who are abusing ... so that I don't feel alone.  My wife is a long time abuser.  I've come to realized that I'm am powerless, a meager blip on the radar that sweeps ever so cunningly for its next fix.  It is obvious that nothing else is as important as hydrocodone - I don't even know who she is anymore.  I work hard for our family and a good portion of the proceeds I provide are pissed away so that she can spend her time high as a kite in our bedroom that has affectively become her lair.   I cannot fathom the pursuit to waste away in such wretched state.  The compulsion draws lies and deceit that transcend the insult of infidelity.  Does anyone else feel as cheated and offended as me?  I wonder...
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Hi again, you are right in so many ways - and again many many thanks for your insight and perspective. I need to let her know how I feel.  I have reservations however.  I'm need to be ready for an onslaught of accusations that I'm the creator of the monster for making life so difficult.  It might be easier if I could believe that I was responsible for all this but the thing is that she is privileged to not have to work or barely lift a finger basking in the support of me, her family, my family who routinely take the kids out and let her be.  I believe the problem stems from the inability to appreciate 2 things - the world around you and yourself.  Appreciating these sustains a dynamo of life.  I think of her sometimes as the ultimate optimist - that's one who says the glass is 1% empty when it is 99% full.

So part of me seems to feel that I need a queue - that she is sick and tired and wants my help.  But I don't see that now.  I just feel that she views me as dr frankenstein.

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1416133 tn?1351126817
I believe my husband felt as you do.  Only he went against all of his preconceived notions about how to support someone and supported me anyway.  I thinkt that's where you need to go.  (again, please don't take me the wrong way).  I know she's crying out for help, even if those cries are silent to you.  She needs someone to help her out of this horrible mess she has created for herself - and as her husband, I'm afraid that person is you.  Like it or not.  (again, please don't take offense to my harsh reply I mean no disrespect and I know you want to wring her neck, I know).  I could "feel" my husband's comtempt towards me and he had every right to feel that way.  Only he ignored those feelings long enough to help me find my way out.

And she will continue to view you as Dr. Frankenstein as long as she feels you are judging her.  Feeling disappointment from her, feeling that she isn't the person you feel she can be.  Until she feels safe to tell you why she's using, she'll never feel the security she so desperately needs to find her way out.  It's so strange writing to you - I feel like I'm able to speak for her and you are able to speak for my husband.  How much I wish you two could speak to EACH OTHER.  There's no other way to begin here except to open up to each other.  The more you continue to keep your feelings in, the more she'll assume you don't care and continue to abuse her drugs.

I continue to keep you and her in my thoughts and prayers.  Please please find a way to begin a dialogue with her about what you're feeling.  PLEASE.  p.s. and again, i don't mean to come across as harsh.  i'm only speaking from my heart.
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No worries at all please, no need to apologize.  This is very helpful.  Of course you must completely understand that (regarding the whole Dr. Frankenstein thing)...that...well, it just becomes so much harder to respect someone the deeper the fall.  I get it believe me - that the addiction feeds the original cause more and more incessantly and its grip tightens as a result.

What I'm trying to express is that for there to be a catalyst, I need a to see a spark.  I need to see the first step, no matter how small I will support so strongly.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to try to coerce that first little bit of effort.  I think that is the right thing to do,,,

Oh and yes, it is quite surreal playing each other's spouse right?  Look for an message from me soon ;)
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1416133 tn?1351126817
I know what you're saying.  I know my husband was waiting for me to reach out for help.  Only I never did.  It wasn't until he got in my face (not in a violent way mind you, but a very defiant way nonetheless) that I began to think about what I was doing to myself and to him.  And no, I didn't stop right there and then.  Those feelings took some time to sink in.  And then finally, when I realized I had nowhere else to go but even further down than I already was (or DEAD), I knew he was there and would be there to help me.  And yes, he was angry for a while, actually I believe he still is angry but I'm trusting that time will take care of that.  But that's okay - I knew he had every right to be upset and I did not confront him or attack him in any way for that.  I knew what I had done to him and I was going to have to earn his trust and respect again.

I'm SO glad to hear you say that you're ready to address this with her.  That is THE place to start.  I wish you much luck with that.  And if she rejects you at first, TRY AGAIN.  :)
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Hi there and thanks for your story and words of hope.  The first thing that comes to mind is weighing 14 years of one lifestyle that has only recently changed.  You sound more relieved than anything else (understandably) but I wonder about the level of anger towards what was lost in a blur - so much time - how can you forgive?  And what about your confidence that this is really changed.  I ask that because (as you maybe read), I previously thought I was successful when I intervened - that was long ago and since then, it is unreal how much has been invested in the acquisition and indulgence of these heinous pills.  I'm all too familiar with what they (opiates) do to a person's dignity - I've seen similar behaviors as you have, one day pleasant and placid sailing, the next is complete irrationality, hostility and madness.  And yes, I too cover up - once my mother asked - do you think she is on drugs...what could I say...

Part of me wants to approach her father...somehow I think he is suspicious.  A looming concern for me however is the behavior rubbing of on the kids.  I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you to deal with the behavior propagating like that.  But I completely get it that that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Thank you again so much for sharing this and massive commendation for standing up and saying enough.  
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1047946 tn?1332611629
I honestly think that talking to her father about it is a good idea. I think that when your mother asked you, "do you think she's on drugs?", you should have opened up to her about. Every time you cover up for her you are enabling her. I'm not saying that the reason it has went on this long is because of you because it is not. But right now your wife's addiction is your problem. The sooner you stop covering up for her that addiction will then become her problem. The sooner it becomes her problem the sooner she will hit rock bottom and decide it's time to get help. I to not mean to come off as harsh. This addiction is 100% her and not you. The reason you have done what you have done is because you love her and are taking care of her. But right now her secrets have become your secrets. Your money is buying pills to feed her addiction. The home you once lived in has become a place where she can hide and continue down this path of self destruction. I know you worry about bringing too much out and having your kids catch on. I know your kids are only 4 and 6 (I think that's what you said somewhere above) but they know something is not right. Kids can almost sense these things before we can no matter what the age. The sooner you let the cat out of the bag the sooner you can get your family back on track. She needs to realize that what she is doing isn't only effecting her, or you but the entire family.

Why would she stop if her secret is safe with you? Why would should stop if she can say she spent $1800 on groceries this month and get away with it? Why should she stop if she has access to all funds, a roof over her head and a loving husband that supports her during all of this?

I know I mentioned somewhere above how I got started. I never really said why I finally quit. My wife, her family, and my family knew I was on pain medication for my back. At first I was a highly functioning addict. Over time I started slipping. I was laid off for about 6 months and this caused my use to escalate. As I took more my every day busy life slowed down. I no longer helped out as much around the house, I stayed up late and didn't get up as early and my motivation level just dropped. My wife kept this bottled up for some time before she just couldn't handle it on her own anymore. She finally talked to my family and her family about it. Just knowing that they were meeting to talk about me really burned my chaps. I argued and argued saying how I was fine, I was taking as prescribed, I needed them for pain, I didn't have a problem, blah blah blah. I went from my addiction being my wife's problem to being my problem in about a week. I knew was slowly being surrounded. I was getting calls from my parents, her parents, my sisters, friends, and what seemed like everyone that even knew me. They all offered help. They all offered to get me into treatment. I felt the walls closing in. I knew my using days were coming to an end. I desperately wanted them to have ended long before but it's not that easy. If it were that easy almost everyone would have quit long ago. Of course I kept trying to get one more day in. But it came to a point where I knew my act was up. Everyone knew how full of it I really was. I went down kicking and screaming swearing up and down that I didn't have a problem. I'm mean, how could they know? They don't feel the pain that I feel. They don't know if I need them or not. But I knew they were right. The pressure and the embarrassment of every knowing was enough to get me to finally quit. If my addiction was still my wife's problem and not mine I would probably still be using. So, make your wife's addiction your wife's problem. Don't continue to let it be your problem. She responsible for her actions, not you.

I know you are in the process of making it her problem. That is your reason for finding this forum. The sooner you get this process going the sooner your family's life can get back on track. She's going to go down kicking and screaming just like every addict does but she will eventually give in. Maybe start off slow by sitting down and telling her that she can no longer go on like this. After she denies a problem to the end then talk to her father about it. That will slowly pick up the pressure. If you do bring her father into it you all need to sit down with her together. Just slowly step up the pressure each and every day. Nobody knows just how much pressure you will need to apply. With some all it takes is a good talk. With others all it takes is involving other loved ones. It may take cutting off all access to funds, vehicles, ect. And with some it even takes telling them to leave until they are ready. Just take it a step at a time and eventually she will find her bottom.You wouldn't be doing this if you didn't care. You are doing this because you love her and you want to save her life. She won't realize this at first but once clean she will realize just how much you love her and that you saved her life.

She isn't a lost cause. You just have to speed her up in the process of her finding her rock bottom. Everyone has a rock bottom. You just have to figure out what hers is. She's never going to find it if you continue to let her addiction be your problem.

Hang in there Hagendaaz. You will get your wife back.

Brian
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1235186 tn?1339127464
so much of the 14 yrs. did become a blur, trying to keep myself together, raise my 4 children, all the insanity, i became an FBI agent always looking for hidden bottles, phone calls, evidence to plead my case and "to catch him in his lies" and he always had a rebuttal. i indeed thought i was going insane. it was a living hell. we slept in separate rooms for 5 years and had no relationship at all. in the beginning when i knew he was using i feared i would get a call he had been in an accident, had od,been shot while coping, then as the years went on and all the anger and hatred that was present i then began to secretly hope he would die to end the insanity and it would be my way out. i wouldn't have to file for divorce. he was so nasty, defensive, i didn't know if he acted like that when he was high or wasn't. he became violent with me and the children. called me a witch, a nag, a biotch, i was the reason for him using. i became his scapegoat. he drank on top of his methadone and xanax and that had him more aggressive.
as i said before i definitely know i enabled him. i also keep it a secret until about 2 years before he went to rehab. i had other friends confront him, i told our pastor, i told my family and his sister knew. it wasn't until i told his mom and she freaked out on him a 80 yr. old italian immigrant. that he felt like a little kid and she told him if you dont go to a rehab "i no have a son" that hit him. so between me taking all the money out of the accounts and his mom knowing, even my young boys of 10 & 12 knew he was an addict because we didn't hear from him for a week so i had to tell them he was on drugs. all this and him finally being sick and tired of being a prisoner to his bottles was when he went away.
i believe to expose your wife is a good thing. the secrets really don't help anyone involved. limit her money, don't let her have access to the accounts, give her an allowance to go shopping and ask for receipts. i also called his doctors and pharmacys and told them not to give him any scripts. he then had to buy from the streets. i also made him take me to the methadone clinic and put him on a detox plan and not a maintenance plan. if she is getting scripts from doctors call them. you have to protect your children. does she drive with them in the car?  i forgot are they prescribed? if not urine test her. it definitely wears on you, it is exhausting being the caregiver of an addict. i pray for you and her both. confront her and tell her you will support her to get clean.
blessings,
debbie
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1235186 tn?1339127464
about the forgiving. enough of my life has already been engulfed with bitterness and hate. through forgiveness our family is healing. if i didn't forgive then i couldn't stay married i would just divorce and be a bitter woman for the rest of my life. that would only hurt me and my children further. i have great faith, hope and trust in the Lord, it is because of this that i am able to forgive. bitterness eats at people like a cancer. i didn't say i have forgotten just learning to forgive. i definitely have days when i am sad, mad, bitter, cry. there are definitely consequences of his years of use, our finances are a mess, our children have emotional issues that we are dealing with, my older childrens drug use, trust issues. does anyone have any certainty about tomorrow? hopefully, prayerfully it is done. he will always be a RECOVERNG addict. i will have to keep my guard up and watch and pray.
debbie
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I'm glad I found this forum. My wife has been on pain meds since 08, she stopped while preg with our daughter but went right back to them after she was born. She suffers from chronic pain in her neck and back mostly but it seems to travel. The only thing the docs cansee is arthritis in her neck and mild scoliosis in her lower back. She has decided that she does not likelivin her life on the meds as they make her feel not herself and then has to suffer when she runs out. It has been about 3 weeks since her last pill even her anxiouty meds are gone. I am so proud of her but every time we talk about things I feel pushed away she just tells me I have no idea how she feels or what's she is goin through. Which is right because I never relied on meds ordrugs, I did drink a lot beforeour kids but without thinkin bout it I stopped. Anway I amglad to find a place I can turn to for advise and support
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You are lucky that she has been on them for only a relatively short time.  Also, the fact that she stopped while pregnant shows she has a little more control over the lure of the high.  If she were more susceptible she'd take them while pregnant if you can believe that.  You are in a good position for recovery.  The chronic pain is a complicating factor.  I've recommended this several time on other threads - exercise - it helps tremendously, so unless her doctor says don't do it, then why not.  I've had the most difficult time finding the motivation to exercise, I tried all sorts of activities and hated it.  Finally I found swimming and love it.  No longer do I have to push myself to get out and do it, instead, I crave getting to the pool.  The point is that if you find an activity that is really enjoyable - motivation becomes a side affect of wanting to do it.  The rewards are unreal, mentally and physically.  I'm sorry to hear that she pushes you away, that is something that completely ***** that she cannot at least confide in you to help you understand what she is going through.  Pretty much the same attitude on this end - very closed private personality which is almost futile to try and crack open.  Basically it seems that it is pointless and maybe even counter productive to try and force open, but better to simple remain open yourself (without being sheepish) and give little hints that you are there to support knowing that you cannot fully understand.

Do you think that maybe she pushes you away and avoids explaining how it is because perhaps the pain problem is not as bad as it is made out to be?  The lure of the high can produce the most insane excuses imaginable.  In a lot of ways, it is like being a parent rather than a partner...
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1530493 tn?1410060236
Hi ...I'm Debbie.  I'm the mom bmdad refers to, a few posts back, about letters written by members to my son.

I have to tell you...You Are in the right place !!!
People, here are WONDERFUL.  I have never in my life time found so many people so willing to give of them selves....to help a total stranger.
Each person here, has their own issues, their own pain, but give SO FREELY.  One in particular, has taken me under his wing and walked my path of pain with me, he brought me to the rainbow :)  I pray I may someday beable to do the same for him.  It is something...I will ...never forget.

I came here in desperation.  My son a heavy IV heroin user, in jail...due to his drug use.  Jail...reason being I was unable to get him on this site,  OD once and 2 suicide attempts in 3 months.  He gave up on life....saw NO other way out.  I frantically searched for someone on the out side, "my friends" haha.  Most believed he was right where he belonged..."he did this to himself" no comfort what so ever.  Granted, he did do this to himself, but I wasn't in any way ready to except that as the answer and sit in the back ground waiting for the inevitable.
First ...the members, guided me out of the hole I was falling into, 2nd...help for my son.  The suggestion was made to ask for letters to be written , that I could print and send, with hope, he could see others in the same situation, desperation, struggling, but many making their way to the other side...HOPE...

I have really not been back alot lately, spending alot of time with my son.....this time in a Good Way.
But I do Believe An Overdue THANK YOU is in order
SO....THANK YOU....your letters, have done more than you can ever know.
You helped to give "My Son" a second chance !!!!
Hagendaaz....I printed every letter, I sent them to my son...He once again...had Hope.
He had his final court date ( sentencing) last Wed.  He was looking at up to 7 years in state prison.  He just turned 21...Also  A Great Kid, that made a Bad Choice.  He was willing to pay the price, for the wrong things he had done...to get his drugs, but also felt...his life...drugs, prison or death.  He had begged for help...no one would give him the chance. as he was also on probation.  He also had an accumulation of clean time....8 months ( 4 forced & 4 on his own)

Back to the letters.  The letters I sent him from the members...really touched him.  He after reading them forwarded them to the judge along with a letter of his own and a letter from his mom, which was writen with the help of "my guardian angel ",the member that took me under his wing.
The first words from the judge, " I received a flood of mail on behalf of Lee and read each and every one of them "
The letters...touched her heart, and brought tears to her eyes...her words.  Judges, aren't suppose to be emotional..are they ??
She saw 3 different sides of an all to familiar story.  The Love of a mom, that would not give up,  the addict...fighting to see the hope, that was once there, and the unselfishness, of total strangers, giving of themselves...to help one of their own.
I am convinced...nothing short of a miracle happened that day in the court room.  Rather than her sentencing him to prison as expected....she fully released him.  Wiped his path clear of probation and court .  She told him.."To go FIX his life "
He has a second chance.
He will be released next Thursday, into the hands of the only councilor, that was able to reach beyond his addiction..she touched his soul.  They are already working on the next plan of action, while I KNOW, a long road awaits and I'm afraid of getting my hopes to high.....I at the present time no longer fear, the death of my son.  

There is absolutely No Doubt in my mind....the outcome would Not be the same.....with out the guidance of these special people.
I for One Am & Will be Forever Greatful !!

So....Yes...Stick around.
If you can't get your wife here...try printing some of the stories, leave them somewhere, so she will find them....I believe once she reads a few, she Will look for more, not only will they show her there is hope.  Who Knows, maybe the incouragment, will help her find a quit buddy.

My Best to You & Your Wife !!!
God Bless You ALL!!!
Deb

PS  I have always wanted to go back to school, not knowing what for....after this experience....I think I have found my answer.
Substance abuse counseling, while I may be ready to retire, before I get my degree.....I know where I can Still come for "guidance" :)
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Wow, I literally cried reading all this. I'm a recovering coke, speed, really anything that'd keep me up addict. I can tell you that she does feel shame, as i did/do. I was the money maker in the first half of our relationship so he really had no clue what I spent. What's sad is I would find ways to not pay. Being a restaraunt manager it was easy. The day I realized he finally knew was when we were packing to move and we kept finding empty baggies everywhere. He would throw them away and I would retrieve and shamefully lick them. He saw me and just hung his head and walked away. That was one if the saddest moments of my life. I know now that he always knew. After having our kids I quit the illegal stuff and went to "legal" speeds. I actually took 20 duet pills in one day. I would get upset if my husband would take one before his workout.  When i bought bottles he would take half and hide. I guess it was his way of trying to help. Anyhoo, sorry for rambling but you just really hit home. Keep your head up, there is hope. There's always hope when there's still love
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I need some advice..

My husband is an alcoholic/addicted to pain pills.  He got hooked on pain pills after his back surgery.  He's been addicted to alcohol for a long time, but since he's been on pain pills, his alcoholism has increased.  His inhibitions are lowered, so he has begun drinking more.  

My feelings for my husband fluctuate with every passing day.  For many years I didn't know it was such an issue.  I'm very naive.  Today I decided to search for advice on how I can help him recover, because I never know how I should act, and I worry that I'm an enabler.  I have a very passive personality, which leads me to ignore the situation instead of communicating with him.  I hate confrontations.

2 weeks ago, I had enough courage to speak, (due to getting really angry with him after a drunken/high episode, when I was very sick) about his issues.  I've spoken up before, but this time it was different.  I talked about how I needed that to be his rock bottom.  He handled it better than he ever had before.  We started communicating about it every day, and he stayed sober for two weeks.  He turned his prescribed pain pills over to me, to monitor his intake, asked me to hide them, or keep them away from the house.  He asked me to ask him if he had any hidden, etc, to force him to be honest.  So when he asked me this morning to bring home 14 pills from his bottle to last him the weekend, and a look of consternation came over my face, and he immediately got angry with me because he felt like he was being honest and I should trust him, I didn't know what to say.  Then later today when he texted me and said "sorry, but he needed to drink tonight, don't be mad" and I tried to text him encouragement to stay sober, and he said "don't make me feel worse about it" I got very angry.
So, as I sit here typing, he is in the other room.  He's had a bottle of wine.  I've seen him searching my car for more pills.  I think he's taking some of his other prescribed meds (for depression, anxiety) since he can't find the pain pills.  

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  He's gone to a few al anon meetings.  I don't feel like he is getting the full benefit.  
My main question is: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ACT IN ORDER TO HELP HIM?  It is always a possibility that he will get suicidal.  He's been saying lately, "if anything ever happens to me, just know that there is nothing anybody could have said.  it's just who I am."  When I press him to talk more about that, he promises that he has no plans of suicide.  I encourage him to go to meetings.  And his psychiatrist.  But I don't know what else to do.

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How do you pick up the pieces of your life when you've been stolen from, lied to and hurt by an addict? I've done what I can to support them and be kind, loving, and forgiving. They're in meetings and making excellent progress, but my heart is so wounded I don't know how to heal. My trust is shattered. The life I built with this person was my second chance, as I am a divorcee. And now I'm faced with this. I've spent nearly two years in this life, and found out that I was robbed of my life savings slowly by the addict. I'm so lost. I feel more alone than ever, and I seriously don't know how to cope.
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3065255 tn?1345766371
This is terrible, maps. I feel for you. I'm in the process of removing myself from a similar situation before everything is stolen from me. You've just paid for a very expensive lesson and you are ready to heal and move on. Consider the addict dead, but don't hate on the addict. Go to therapy and take care of yourself. Next time you go into a relationship have a series of questions to ask. Yes, conduct an interview as you would when hiring an employee.  
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Maps123 I understand your pain to some degree. I will tell you a little of my back-story:
I recently found out that my husband was abusing and stopped using (cold turkey) pain pills all without my knowledge. He had not been hurt in an accident just decided that he would do them because his “friends” were. Money kept disappearing but I was very naive and had no idea what was going on. I was also preoccupied because when he started his heavy use of pills I became pregnant. I then had a miscarriage and had several medical problems due to it. According to my husband when he found out that there was no longer a heartbeat at the ultrasound he stopped using. Therefore, when I was having all my serious health problems he was going through withdraws which I thought was severe depression.

Sometimes when I think about it I just get so angry I want to scream and punch him in the face. I just don’t trust him anymore. It feels like I am his mom all the time asking where are you going, where is your tip money, do you have your list of your tables, blah, blah, blah that is not me and it is not the type of marriage I want to be in. We also have two children and I worry about them being alone with him durring the day and I absolutely hate that feeling. I just get so bitter and so depressed when I start thinking about it. However, most of the time I just feel so guilty because I feel like what if I put him in the position where he wanted to use.  I also worry about: how will I know when he is using again I couldn’t tell before- and it just *****... big time!
We are in marriage counseling which seems to work. This weekend we had a big fight (for us) and we were able to later the next day, after we calmed down and apologized for what we said, talk about what was bothering us and our feelings without each other getting upset. We are still not back to where we were before the drug abuse by any means but I feel like we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope this helped you out a little bit and good luck with your marriage and his recovery.
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3065255 tn?1345766371
The question for me: how do you get the addict to admit she is addicted if she doesn't think there's anything wrong with what she does? If she feels entitled to draining us financially? How do you get her to go to therapy?
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3060903 tn?1398568723
I'm so glad that you posted and so eloquently described what so many feel. My husband and myself are both recovering addicts and clean since 1999.  We understand your feelings as a spouse of an addicted person and also of the person addicted. You are in our thoughts and our prayers. I hope that your wife finds the site, to help her quit and control this deplorable family disease. Perhaps there are reasons from her past that have contributed to her letting herself fall in such a wretched manner. She will find a forum to discuss these things if she is involved in a proper intervention process. We're so so sorry for how you are feeling, one day after the next, for so many years, it seems. The little ones need to be protected. If I were you I would cut her off financially. Period. What choice do you have. It doesn't sound like your wife is experiencing a great deal of regret, to me. I would hire a nanny to look after the kids while I was at work.  They know there's something terribly wrong. I think that it's time that they were made the priority, and i think that it would be good for your wife to know that they must now come first. I would do the grocery shopping myself, unless you get a nanny from a very reputable source, and then have her do this, with the children in tow. Please stop being taken advantage of, or it will be too late for you and your wife to find your way back to each other. As all of the loving posts here, we pray for you and hold you in our thoughts, and look forward to your post in the future that states that you have gone through the worst of it. Fare well, Hagendaaz.
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3065255 tn?1345766371
Dear ellibell, like you, I can sit and read the posts all day and not consider it a waste of time. I wish I could have my wife admit she is an addict and start reading these fab posts. I've only been here for a month and a little and already I feel I know and love all these anonymous people. They've helped with their answers and encouragements and simply by being there, worrying, like me.
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It took my former husband losing our home, his family and more and then over 2 years beyond us being separated and eventually divorced before he hit rock bottom and started to take AA seriously. He's been clean for almost 4 years and his new wife will probably and hopefully never experience the man he used to be.
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I am not sure if I can even get through this post...first thank you for posting and starting what seems like a really compassionate thread that can be used by so many of us....I am the wife of an alcoholic/pain pill addict. Today I am at wits end and not sure what to do. I have spent 14 years being lied to stolen from and all around decieved and i am just not willing to do it anymore...We have a twelve year old daughter and she sees the total destruction of our lives and when she asked if she could have a friend over today i had to tell her no. when she was little i would try to have people over on the good days and try to hide the bad days...well i can no longer hide the person her father is from her nor her friends... it makes me sick to see the hurt and understanding in her eyes and know that she does not hate me for it but she is still confused...I am confused...i have worked hard for all of these years and i am about to lose everything that i have worked for...in reality its not the posessions but the independence...i work in a very public place and know everyone and have spent years trying to hide what my husband is...there is no rock bottom for him...he has been in jail for 6 months at a time lied and stolen from his friends and family and they all know it. he never contributes anything that he does not take right back and he sells everything that is not under lock and key..he has destroyed several vehicles and still somehow manages to keep his liscense. he has done everything from endangering our child by driving under the influence with her in the car as well as be arrested for having pot in our home... he was in a drug court situation two times for a total of 3 years and under constant supervision and had the most people trying to help him that i have ever seen..he has been through interventions and counseling and aa  and also NA . a year ago i made him move out and kept him out for 6 months. after six months out of our area he started to call our daughter and worked on her fragile mind and she begged for him to be able to move back in..he promised to go to church with us and fit into our lives the way they were...needless to say i found out that for the last 8 months he has been using and running up bills out of town and lying about where he has been...he sits in church and tries to pretend like it is all in the past...but ten minutes ago is not the past to me....sorry for rambling but i am just so distraught that i can only vent at this moment
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It's my husband.  How did it turn out for you?
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Is there a support group for spouses of addicts?  I need some support, it's hard to be alone.......my husband of 21 years is quickly becoming a Percocet addict.  We have 2 children, 4 and 13 years old.   I can just feel the life being sucked out of me watching him do this to himself.   I could sure use some advice.  I am running out of options.
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3197167 tn?1348972206
Hi Kristy....yes there is a support group the loved ones of addicts.
It's called Nar-Anon.  Also, even tho Al-Anon's first and foremost purpose is for loved ones of alcoholics, the world is quickly filling up with ALL types of addicts.  Alcohol is a drug and of course, so are the obvious ones like heroin, etc. but prescription drug addiction is HUGE in our day and age!
You can check out both Al-Anon and Nar-Anon online and be sure to check both the .org and .com sites. You will find support in many forms.
Their literature is fabulous.  You can find a meeting close to where you live.  You can also be a part of online meetings if you want.
Lots of options there.....addiction is a family illness......and you have to take care of you.........FIRST.....then your kiddos.......they even have al-ateen!
I have a loved one whose son just went to a weekend deal with his al-ateen group and it blessed his socks off (his big brother is a drug addict).
Blessing to you girl~
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3197167 tn?1348972206
Also, this thread you posted on is really, really old....2011.
If you want to post a new comment or question, hit the orange box for post a question, start your own thread, and you will get a lot more visibility there.
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Hey brother,  I feel your pain and live it on a daily basis myself! Worse part is that this my second failing marriage to this crap and get this....I'm in a ridged pain management program for severe disc and nerve pain issues!!!  So guess who they stole/steal from? Yep, me, I work a full time job as a maintenance man for an apartment complex that also requires random u a tests so I stay on the straight and narrow! I have to keep my medication at work and what I do bring home have to carry on my person at all times ....yes, even sleeping!!  You'll never know the endless times I've gone without because I screwed up and left my meds in sight!  I hope and pray you win you battle for your kid, the state of Arizona removed my youngest from my home and returned her to her fresh out of rehab, Meth addict, pain pill addicted, cheating, homeless
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Hey brother,  I feel your pain and live it on a daily basis myself! Worse part is that this my second failing marriage to this crap and get this....I'm in a ridged pain management program for severe disc and nerve pain issues!!!  So guess who they stole/steal from? Yep, me, I work a full time job as a maintenance man for an apartment complex that also requires random u a tests so I stay on the straight and narrow! I have to keep my medication at work and what I do bring home have to carry on my person at all times ....yes, even sleeping!!  You'll never know the endless times I've gone without because I screwed up and left my meds in sight!  I hope and pray you win you battle for your kid, the state of Arizona removed my youngest from my home and returned her to her fresh out of rehab, Meth addict, pain pill addicted, cheating, lying, homeless mother!!!! She is now 8 and I haven't seen her since she was 3!! Be the first to make the move towards divorce it'll favor you, that's where I went wrong!! I actually thought my ex would see all I did for us and our family and come back begging to make things different!! Don't get me wrong my friend I'm not saying destroy this woman, you did love at one points, but don't haste in your decisions.
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4452088 tn?1354840364
Miracles in Progress online Support Groups, AA,NA,ALANON,NARANON online chat rooms and meetings through out the day!!! I've been a memeber there for the last 11 years. http://www.12stepforums.net/


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I am the spouse of an addict. My husband is addicted to prescription pain pills. I'm am wondering if there will ever be an end in sight or if this is going to be an on again off again battle. Do addicts ever get clean and stay clean?
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I need help dealing with my husbands addiction. we just found out we're ten & half weeks pregnant. and my husband has gone bingeing on crack again what do I do I'm so confused. he just got out of jail from seven and a half months and hasn't even been out for 3 months yet. and he's already gone back.
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I need help dealing with my husbands addiction. we just found out we're ten & half weeks pregnant. and my husband has gone bingeing on crack again what do I do I'm so confused. he just got out of jail from seven and a half months and hasn't even been out for 3 months yet. and he's already gone back.
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This has been a serious roller coaster.  My boyfriend lied and lied to me about being on drugs.  Basically told me it was his past and was 3 years out of rehab.  I have known him my whole life and thought wow thats great he is doing so well.  He lied the whole time he was still using Roxy.  His parents tried to get me to see it but i just wanted to beleive him because i loved him so much.  Finally he agreed to go into a program which the family was so happy about because they were never able to get him into a program and i finally did.  He started the program end of feb and was doing so well but we realized he relapsed about 2 weeks ago.  I tried and tried to get it out of him finally admited to me that he did.  Everytime i am upset or dont trust him and try to talk to him he tells me i am going to push him to do more drugs.  I dont know how to speak to him with out getting him upset.  I just have so many questions and just want someone to relate to.  I have tried alanon but could not relate to anyone in that specific meeting. Am going to try more. Does anyone know other programs i can go to or online support groups.  I love him so much and he is really trying but i need to help myself or this will never work.  Just dont know what to do always have such bad anxiety and breaking  down because i need help dealing with this but how?  
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HI, i just came on this forum after doing a search for support for spouses who live with addicts. I will be honest my problem seemed much worse before i came here and read some of the other post, not to be little other people's problems. But i dont know if that is just cause i am very naive and have a glass have full kind of out look on life. Can addicts kick there habits? Do they change back into who they were before? I have been married for 6 years and i love my husband, we have 3 sweet little children who really need their dad. I feel like the kids alone could be a good motivation for him to stay clean? Is that just stupid? I don't even know what to write, i just know i can't live like this its been going on now for 5 years from marijuana, prescription pills, snorting heroine, cocaine, methadone and i have found some burnt spoons and asked him and he told me he's been free-basing cocaine. He doesn't have any ambition, he takes care of all the financial stuff so i am really worried about whats going on with that. Every time i talk about it with him i really try to not get mad and be calm, but  i do and somehow i always end up feeling bad and he won't talk to me for a couple days. I know drugs can re wire your brain but can things be made how they were with out the drugs?
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I am also interested in joining this group
thanks
tony
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Where do I start? I have known my boyfriend for almost three years. We were on again off again until this past January. He had a long time girlfriend that he just kept going back to, and I just kept taking him back. Since I was only seeing him a few weeks at a time, I wasn't aware he had a problem. I'd never seen him buy a pill, take a pill, never even heard him mention a pill. We went from Jan 2012 til Sept 2012 without speaking at all, he and the girlfriend had patched it up pretty well. Then he text me in Sept. They were broke up again, blah blah blah, I thought then that he seemed a little different. But I chalked it up to being upset over the woman. We chatted a little from then till Jan, and in Jan we started seeing each other. He had lost his license due to child support issues, he was in the process of getting them back so he wasn't working at the time. He had worked the whole time I knew him so I didn't think anything about it. As time passed we decided to move in together. I will say this, you NEVER really know someone until you've lived with them! I noticed then that he never slept, he was really quite and irritable at times and then super hyper and happy sometimes. I added up all the symptoms, wasn't too hard to figure out he was on pills. I asked, he said oh I take one every now and then but I don't have a problem at all. As time went on though he has gotten more open with me. He is addicted, he is willing to do ANYTHING to get one. He can go a day or two, but then he just has to have it. He has pawned my son's gun to get one, stolen money out of my purse, my pockets, my Mom's purse, stolen from his parents, anything to get a pill. He can't get a job because he can't pass a drug test. He was on probation from FTA on a speeding ticket and failed his first drug test. We go to court tomorrow to see what that got him. The bad part is that over time I have fallen in love. You can't help who you love. My friends and family all say run, it's not worth it. But I want the great guy that I know he is when he's not on pills. I'm at the end of my rope.
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I just read your post although i know its was posting a while ago and i just wanted to say it was helpful to me but also scary. The part about hitting rock bottom, made me think what is my husbands rock bottom? And  about how you said "you may have to speed up the time it takes for her to reach her rock bottom." I understand what you mean but i dont know what that would mean to me. I am very afraid to let my husband go (i don't mean divorce, cause i never would) but maybe for him to leave and live somewhere else so he can get clean. I am so afraid i feel like atleast he's here with us and i know what he's doing. Im afraid he will fall even deeper and i dont know ... i guess die or something. Something IMDONEnomore said "When you're an addict, you no longer care about yourself, never mind the people that love you.  You only care about getting high.  Period.  You think everyone is better off without you anyway because you're an addict so you justify your behavior with this reasoning." My husband is always talking about killing himself, taking his stuff and just leaving, getting in accidents.  I always thought to myself "doesn't he know how hearing him say these things makes me feel" but i guess he doesn't. I really have a hard time understanding how he thinks and i just don't get it. Don't addicts remember that they weren't always like this? And people do need them. I mean he has 3 small children i just don't know how he can think that. I just wanted to say your comment about rock bottom really made me think but i don't know what it means for my husband. I feel like he hates me, and he doesn't want me to do anything for him, even today when he got up i gave him a hug but it felt like he couldn't wait to get away. I don;t feel like i have a husband sometimes just three children to take care of and don't get me wrong they are so sweet and loving and i love them but its not the same kind of love from a husband i feel so alone. I dont even know if this post makes any sense i am just typing i guess i feel like it good to say it but it hurts and makes me feel worse.
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i know how you feel, it makes sense, my husband is also the suicidal type, a am afraid for him, but this weekend i realized that i need to do what is best for my son (although my son loves his father will all his heart, he is only 3) i decided to put my foot down and ask him to leave, i gave him some time to get his things together and on saterday he must leave.
i feel like a dog, like i just kicked away the only person that i truly love, but i explained to him that i am doing this because i love him and because he can be so much more, its time that he realizes it.
Saturday is around the corner and i pray to God that i am doing the right thing .......
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I need help with my husbands addiction to my pain med. I dont know who to turn to or who to talk to about how i should handle this or what i can do to help. please someone help me with this. I cannot take anymore of this.
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Junkies wives club. Its amazing!
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I completely understand where you're coming from.
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I don't know if you will read this or not but I'll give it a try.  In my experience, those who really love the high more than anything else in life, never will quit.  It does not matter what you threaten them with.  They love the high more.  I have been married to an addict for 38 years.  He is one of those addicts who takes care of their responsibilities and he has never gotten into debt, but his addictions have ruined our lives.  He has other mental problems too and self medicates to deal with these.  This is what I think anyway.  Today, he's taken a bunch of pills so he's out in the yard cutting down trees!  They get super energy when they take those but their judgement suffers.  Otherwise, they have little to no energy.  
So, to answer your question, it depends on the person.
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Hi my name is Diamond i am 20 years old and my fiance Mike is 24 he is a drug addict and we have been together almost a year now. Since we have been together his drug problem has got worse. i try to help him and i try to get him to stop but he wont he has been doing things more lately and he dose them now in front of me i walk away but he still dose it when i say im gonna tell his family he threatens to hurt me or he yells and screams at me he even calls me names that are so hurtful. i try to leave but then he pushes me down and holds me till i say im not leave n he has pushed me gainst walls and even pushed me while i am in my brace . when i have left him he has over dosed but they brought him back he has even died in front of me and i had to bring him back he keeps lie n to me and he makes me feel crazy because i know he is use n drugs . his family tells me i should leave but then he says that he will kill himself if i leave. im tired of feeling bad cause he is always high. i feel like he use is me some times to get stuff he has stoled things from me and yet when i get mad he makes me feel like im the bad guy i am to the point where im not sleeping right and i eat to much cause im stressed out . and hge puts me in situations where he threaten to drop me off on the side of the road he has almost ran us off the road several times while high. i want to believe that he will change but im scared he wont . i hate when he calls me names and degrades me when all i do is try make him happy and be there for him.  so please someone give me some advice .
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1530493 tn?1410060236
Hi Diamond...its time for YOU to shine ok.
Love is blind...it takes many a life time to understand the abuse they endure by the hands of someone that claim to love them.
You are being abused in every way...emotionally, physically also being held hostage by his suicide threats.
Your not happy...how can you be ?  
It wont get better, it will only make you question you over time.
Your young, while I know you love mike, and yes im sure some of this abuse it connected to his addiction...that gives him NO right to treat you this way.  I have known addicts with a heart of gold, kind, loving, wouldn't physically hurt a soul.  I also know non addicts that have the same behavior as your fiancé,  they are selfish to the core.  Life tends to be wrapped around that type of personality for life, its all about them.  
Either you fit and hurt, or you break free.
There are Great loving caring people in this world...
As for the addiction, hes going to need to take care of that, you cant do it for him.
Sit back for a bit honey, where do you see your life heading with Mike ?
Its ALL in your hands, make YOUR life about you.
Good Luck
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New to this group but know all to well of my husbands substance abuse. I am just sick of the lies that he tells and all the times he leaves and is gone for hours, returning with drugs in his system. He will finally admit it that he went and did some drugs. He keeps saying I'm sorry, won't happen again, but that is a lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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hi
im recently coming from a 15 year relationship with my girlfriend Cherokee who I fell in love with the moment I laid eyes on her.
ive ever since tried to treat her right and we brought up her two kids also.she has been a speed addict on mostly and off since before we met.
she also suffers severe depression and mood swings as well as being violent in the past also.
it seems by providing and helping througtout the years ive only exsasabated things buy supporting her despite her not having worked 95 % of our time together.
she can be lasy and sleep for days if allowed to and picks her face regularly while on speed distroyng her beautiful skin terribly.

she has always been in denile and we have now split as she does not want to change

im shattered emotionally and had heart attack and quad bypass 3 years ago at age 42
we have battered eachother emotionally as we were until recently I think deeply in love still
ive lots my love,all her family and everything ive known to this drugs effects so I urge anyone who wants to get help to seek the likes of people on this forum as they are some truly amazing people

heatbroken wayne
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hi
im recently coming from a 15 year relationship with my girlfriend Cherokee who I fell in love with the moment I laid eyes on her.
ive ever since tried to treat her right and we brought up her two kids also.she has been a speed addict on mostly and off since before we met.
she also suffers severe depression and mood swings as well as being violent in the past also.
it seems by providing and helping througtout the years ive only exsasabated things buy supporting her despite her not having worked 95 % of our time together.
she can be lasy and sleep for days if allowed to and picks her face regularly while on speed distroyng her beautiful skin terribly.

she has always been in denile and we have now split as she does not want to change

im shattered emotionally and had heart attack and quad bypass 3 years ago at age 42
we have battered eachother emotionally as we were until recently I think deeply in love still
ive lots my love,all her family and everything ive known to this drugs effects so I urge anyone who wants to get help to seek the likes of people on this forum as they are some truly amazing people

heatbroken wayne
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shygirl101
I really hope you thought enough of yourself to leave this abusive relationship.  I am 65 years old and my husband has been addicted to pain pills for 15 years.  He just started to try and stop taking pills. Mentioned suicide to his pain specialist and was taken to hospital for 5 day hold.  Hadn't been out two weeks when he took too many pills.  Borrowed pills from friend, got sick.  Same pattern over and over for more years than I care to remember.  I'm done.  Tough love.  Relationship is ruined anyway.  Don't put yourself through this hell.  Live, laugh and love.  Be healthy and wise.  Prayers and best wishes for your future.
  
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My wife of 21 years has been an addict for about 7 years now. I have tried so hard to help her. She has tried detoxing in a hospital, AA meetings, and a church program. Nothing has worked. She is an amazing woman, beautiful, smart, and successful. I guarantee that nobody in our community would believe that she is popping pills every single day. I don't know how to help her and things are getting worse for me.

About a year ago, she gave me her pills and asked me to give her a certain amount  every day and then she would slowly reduce the amount each week. It has worked, and she has gone down quite a bit. Lately, though, it has become a living hell. If she doesn't feel like taking the scheduled amount, I try to encourage her, and she reacts with total anger at me. She keeps getting more and more upset.

This afternoon was the worst ever. I was making chicken in the kitchen for our 5 kids and she came in and asked me to give her some extra pills. I said no, I can't, because we will run out of pills before your next prescription can be filled. She started screaming at me. She called me names. She called me fat and disgusting. She told me that she hates me and thinks I am a joke. She told me that she didn't love me and hasn't loved me for as long as she could remember and that her addiction was caused by her need to escape the reality of being married to me. Then it got physical. She threw her phone at me and then punched me and hit me as hard as she could. I tried to leave the room, but she got between me and the door and would slap me or hit me if I tried to go around her to get out. I told her I was going to call the police if she didn't let me leave, but she grabbed my phone and threw it against the wall.

I finally got out of the room and left for a few minutes, hoping she would calm down. When I went back in the room, she had a handful of over the counter pills and threatened suicide. I finally convinced her to give me the pills in exchange for a small amount of the pills she was addicted to, which I keep hidden from her.

I left the house after giving her the pills and went outside to work in the yard, even though it was almost 100 degrees outside. Now I am sitting at my computer typing this and she is doing housework as if nothing happened. I am so tired. I am so tired of being tired. I have been trying to hold our family together and help her with this addiction. I love her with everything in me, but I feel like I am ready to explode, Everything inside me feels like a tightly wound rubber band, ready to break. I am praying, working, trying, researching, and anything else I can think of to help, but I am hurting inside in a way that I can't explain with words.

I am nearing the end of my ability to cope. I need someone out there to help me, offer me some strength, some kind of hope. Please. Does anyone else out there feel the same as I do? What can I do?
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Wow. This is exactly how I feel. My husband is a pain pill addict. Before he went to prison, he completely ruined our lives. The year he was gone, I rebuilt my entire life, hoping he would come home and be better.well, he's home, and has been for about 6 months.... And I just found out today, he has used a few times. My heart is broken and I feel completely betrayed, and really stupid! I dont know how to deal with this. I cannot let him bring us down again after how hard I worked to fix the last mess.
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This is the first time I've ever talked about this in a forum or anywhere else. I am the wife of a drug addict. I only found out not 20 days ago and am going through the motions. We've only been married for a little over 2 years and I never knew a thing. He has however admitted his problem, went through withdrawals with me present and has been clean since. We are moving to another city next week, as this was our plan all along and will start therapy and meetings together and separately within the next week. Where I am lost is on the betrayal level, that we had been trying to conceive for the last year and a half and also that he is the love of my life and my prince. He came clean to his mother and my parents as well and we do have a plan. His behavior and personality really haven't changed since he went through withdrawals. He is and has always been the calm one, very kind and gentle and in some ways has been helping me too with all of this. Beyond being mad, upset, worried and all the rest, I am truly sad. Sad that I have to deal with this, sad that I have to see my husband and best friend in a different light, sad that I feel ashamed and embarrassed and sad about everything. I am a published author, freelance writer, casting instructor, fly fishing guide and working on filming for a TV show as the host and featured angler. I am very popular out there in social media as an athlete and many of my published articles are about being strong, living your life and how to overcome obstacles and how to help others as well. So here I am typing this out in fear. I have worked so hard to get to where I am especially as a female in the fishing world. However, I am now married to a percocet addict in recovery, the wife who had no clue, has included her husband in every public venture out there about my career and because of that, I have isolated myself from the outside. Only one more week and we can get help, but I am just so heartbroken that I can barely breathe.
So, I am asking for help. Help with my very public life as an athlete, someone who was surgical nurse for 17 years before my fly fishing life and someone who is struggling in general. I know things will get better along the way. I know in my heart that even if I decide to leave our marriage down the road that he will still be my best friend. However, I know that I am struggling in so many ways right now that it's overwhelming and any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you and God bless,

Allison
Aka: @flycastergal
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My story just in bits of events not every detail is here...
I come here as I don't know what to feel or think anymore, I met my other half in September of last year as a whole new person in my life, didn't know him from Adam, but that one choice of contacting someone lead me to meet him. He had just gotten out of prison after a 5 year sentence and moved to the area, at first I didn't think I could do this being with someone whose been in trouble as I've never been in trouble, but I fell in love... Learning all about him he use to be a heroin addict, but in my mind okay maybe he's changed give him a chance making him promise me he would never turn to that life again, he promised... So in love, I found my best friend, my rock, my life, my everything.. We married Feb 23rd this year... Everything was going great, being I'm that one woman who's been abused, cheated, and used something was so different about him he loved me and wouldn't do a thing to hurt me right. I'm not perfect and have bad teeth so I had been prescribed Tylenol 3 for my pain like forever go and didn't take all of them, they was stored away in my stuff, he got ahold of them and was snorting them... I freaked out, I've never ever have witnessed anyone snorting anything nor ever imagined someone doing this... They were gone, so everything is okay right?!? He got a job working in the factory, where people there he had been to prison with started giving him pain pills, great now he's snorting pain pills once again it's becoming a problem right?!? This problem went from people giving to him buying, great so now our money for us is disappearing for his addiction to pain pills... I start feeling alone, like I didn't matter, nothing I said mattered, how I felt didn't matter... Trying to tell him there's a problem he needs help... Emotionally I was drained, mentally I was draining... Arguments started turning physical... I found out I was pregnant, so everything should turn around now, a baby on the way that's got to make him want to change, but unfortunately it didn't matter, upset, alone, anxiety attacks, panic attacks I left... He begged and made promises, was I to believe him, unfortunately I did and came back, nothing changed, argued till I couldn't take anymore I left again... His crying and promising I was standing my ground this time... Then our world crashed the baby he wanted so bad and I wanted so bad the heart stopped beating... I wanted nobody more then my husband to get through the times... I went back... Stupid me right bc it's only gotten worse, his addiction has changed from pills now to heroin seeing them needle marks kills me inside making me have anxiety attacks, panic, and so much depression... This is something he promised me long ago he wouldn't ever turn to again... I love him so much more then anyone would ever understand, but why doesn't he love me? Why is that next high more important? Why does he refuse help? Why do I feel so alone? Why is it so hard to understand? I feel I need just as much help as he does to cope... I've suffered so much already from PTSD and anxiety in my life what can help?!? I've lost so much in my life now my husband to addiction.. I feel so lost, so confused, so hurt, sad, angry, alone... I want to leave but I don't... When is enough enough... He's promising to get help now, but how do I trust him, all the lies and hiding things behind my back...
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