Support Forums for Spouses of Addicts

Does anyone know of a good online support forum for spouses of Addicts, preferably prescription pill addicts.  I want to talk to others who are affected by wives or husbands who are abusing ... so that I don't feel alone.  My wife is a long time abuser.  I've come to realized that I'm am powerless, a meager blip on the radar that sweeps ever so cunningly for its next fix.  It is obvious that nothing else is as important as hydrocodone - I don't even know who she is anymore.  I work hard for our family and a good portion of the proceeds I provide are pissed away so that she can spend her time high as a kite in our bedroom that has affectively become her lair.   I cannot fathom the pursuit to waste away in such wretched state.  The compulsion draws lies and deceit that transcend the insult of infidelity.  Does anyone else feel as cheated and offended as me?  I wonder...

[gizzy32]

Welcome to the forum. I don't know of any other online sites, but there are members on here that have family members addicted to drugs. Addiction is a family disease and I am sorry your going through this. In active addiction, the most important thing to us is the drugs and it's sad, but true. You will get support and advice here and I hope your wife gets the help she needs. Maybe it's time for some tough love?

Have you ever heard of alanon meetings? I will send you the link to check out. Stick around this is a great support group.

http://www.al-anon.org/english.html

[Hagendaaz]

I can see from the amount of activity here that this is a good site.  Thanks for your fast response.  What I was hoping to find was a forum within this site dedicated to Spouses.  I wonder if one can be created?  Spouses are victims of addiction too, but a completely different flavor of victim.  To me it seems that only a recovered addict can offer advice to a spouse in full throws of their addict.  Current abuser have enough to worry about.  

I once tried to confide in my best friend who assured me confidentiality which worked out fine until one night that (of his own birthday party) having gotten a bit drunk he slipped a few sarcastic remarks to the affect of 'hows your pill popping wife'.  It's just absolutely remarkable how the prison she creates for herself begins to engulf those around her.

I shall definitely stick around and thank you again...

[notgoingdown]

there is a site with a great section for friends & family of addiction on ****. *******

[ImDONENoMore]

I don't know how to begin because your posts have affected me in a real physical way.  I'll explain.

See, I was that "pill popping" wife.  My g-d what did I do to my husband?  I can't begin to imagine how he was feeling, and then I read your post.  Whew.  How do I begin to make it up to him or is that even possible?

I'm almost 6 months clean.  I know he's proud of me, he's told me so.  Only I also feel like there is still so much resentment and he's doing all he can to contain it.  He is a great man, don't get me wrong.  But he's only human so how could he not feel resentment?  And yes, I'm better now, I no longer use.  Only how do I begin to clean up the aftermath?  Well, I'm sorry, I won't go on with this.  I only wanted to say how much your words have touched me.  I'm glad you came here.

I wish you the best with your wife and her addiction.  I hope she finds a way out so you two can reconnect.  I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this.  The only thing I can say is if she is anything like I was, the person she is now is not who she really is.  Does that make sense?  When you're an addict, you no longer care about yourself, never mind the people that love you.  You only care about getting high.  Period.  You think everyone is better off without you anyway because you're an addict so you justify your behavior with this reasoning.  It's messed up, I know.  But unfortunately that's what it becomes.  Well, at least it did for me.

Please don't lose hope in her.  There is a way out of this mess and it begins with her.  Have you told her she needs help and if so what does she say to this?  Is she at all aware that she's abusing her meds and is in trouble?  There is no way she is happy with the way she is living her life now.  Maybe rehab or some kind of outpatient program - would she be willing to consider this?

I will keep you in my thoughts and will continue to read your posts.  You have really hit home with me.

[Hagendaaz]

Hello 'ImDone', I just read your words - they touched me.  I'm glad to hear from you and I'm encouraged to see that someone can emerge from this deep hole.  I'm not sure about your specific situation, but if it is at all like mine, I can assure you he knew exactly when you were high and when you may have been deceiving and manipulative.  I think the best way to make up for this is to respect yourself - the key is to help yourself - to appreciate yourself and by doing so, you appreciate him.  In my mind, I'm successful if my wife is happy - if she augments with junk then that's a slap in the face.

Thanks you for your advice - you see my situation is such that I live with someone who is, has, and probably alway's will be, a private person who has difficulty (on junk or off junk) opening up to others, and trusting others.  My wish is that she understand that she can open up to me with no fear of judgement ... maybe one day she will realize this.

So the bottom line for you is that you can easily make it up.  Do it by showing you respect yourself, that you appreciate life - when you can respect yourself, so too can others respect you as well.  An amazingly simple formula clouded by a multitude of distractive force.

I have a feeling you shall be just fine ;)

[ImDONENoMore]

Oh my.  You've brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you for responding to me.  You have no idea what your words mean to me.  And I think you are exactly right about how my husband perceived me about what I was doing to myself.  I also think he feels he is a good husband if he has a happy wife.  I am doing all I can to make it back by taking care of myself.  And I'm getting there.  Stronger than ever and that won't change.  Drugs are out of my life for good.  Whew.

Thank you - I will continue to look for you here.  I can't tell you what it's done for me to hear the other side of the horrible situation that I created and thought I was living by myself.  I have never been more wrong and I will never make that mistake again.  Your words are very powerful to me.

Thank you.  And please keep posting - you will find so much support here.  The members are wonderful, so kind and compassionate.  A truly amazing place.

You and your wife are now in my prayers.  :)

[Hagendaaz]

Hello again - you are so sweet, how nice to hear from you.  It is kind of interesting isn't it that I'm talking to the hopeful future version of my wife ;).  So you see you give me hope and as it sounds, I'm helping you a bit - I see this is a 'truly amazing place'...at this point, actually it should be my wife who's thanking you.  This morning I found a stash of empty containers - in all what added up to 3,000 pills all consumed within the last 3 months - the thoughts that go through your head...bewilderment, amazement...disappointment.  I'm digressing, the point being that after chatting with you, I'm more hopeful now so thank you.

I'll be interested to continue hearing from you and interested to hear that you can eventually go beyond breaking the habit and taking it to the next level where you can forgive yourself.  Like I said there is nothing to do for him to make up or cancel out the past.  You live the future to the fullest - recognize yourself and love yourself first so that others (husband) can recognize and love you back ;)

[bmdad]

Is your wife currently using? Has she ever had much clean time under her belt during her past attempts of sobriety?

The reason I ask is that she can't do this on her own. You can't help her do this on her own. It takes so much more than that. There are quite a few people here with significant clean time under their belts. I myself have been clean for about 10 months or so. Although it's not all that much time I know I'm well on my way to having many years of sobriety.

I first started taking pain meds due to injuring my back in Iraq while serving in the Marine Corps. For the first year I never took more than prescribed and only took that as needed for pain. I ended up having surgery, the pain went away and I had no problem putting them down. I did have withdrawals but I got through them just fine. I later found out that it's not the physical part that is difficult but the mental aspect of it. Long story short I ended up back on the pain meds due to scar tissue from the surgery causing more pain. This later led to me abusing the pills.

For the next few years I tried to quit many times. Some of those times I would make it a month and other times I would make it a day or two. I kept going through the same routine expecting different results. I finally realized that what I was doing was not working. I finally took the advice of some of the wonderful people on this forum and started attending NA meetings and an addiction therapist. I finally learned the tools I needed to stay in recovery and am still learning new tools to use everyday.

Your wife has to want to quit for herself before she will ever be successful. I'm sure you already know this but there is nothing you can say or do to make her want to quit. For many it takes hitting their rock bottom. The tough part about this is figuring out what her rock bottom is. For some it's as simple as the spouse telling them to stop. Some feel enough guilt that they were caught using and that's all it takes to put them down. For others it takes losing their house, car, job, marriage, family, friends or for some death is their only rock bottom. It can be such a tricky situation on how to go about talking to someone about their addiction. It can be so hard to show them you love them yet be firm enough to make them realize what they are doing to themself and the people around them. More than likely she is filled with guilt and remorse but it takes more than that to quit. It takes hitting their rock bottom. Depending on how long this has been going on it may be time for an ultimatum. You may have to speed up the time it takes for her to reach her rock bottom. One thing you may want to try is by cutting off all of her funds. This means taking her name off of the bank accounts and freezing credit cards. The problem with this is some addicts will do anything and everything to get their pills which can lead to crime. Some will go to extremes to get pills and some won't. It's going to take a lot of soul searching on your part to come up with the plan that you think will work best. Have you considered contacting an interventionist? They would be able to sit down with you and come up with a good plan. One thing they will mention is enabling. There can be such a fine line between support and enabling. I'm gonna use the money thing again as an example of enabling. If you know she is buying pills you are enabling by letting her have access to money. There are many other ways that can make us enablers and that's why it's best to seek outside help.

Gizzy above mentioned Al Anon meetings. They will help you so much. You will meet others that are in your shoes and the support will be tremendous. You will also get ideas on how to help your wife. Definitely check into them.

Do you think you could get your wife to come to this forum and post? Many people here will agree that we wouldn't have been able to get clean without all of the help of this forum. This forum is a wonderful place full of wonderful people. I know you mentioned that your wife is a pretty private person but maybe the fact that she would be talking with a bunch of people she doesn't know personally will be enough to get her to come on here. Nobody here judges so she doesn't have to worry about being put down. It's a place where she can come and talk to people that understand exactly what she is going through because most of us have been there or are there as we speak.

The main thing is to try and get her to start some meetings, go to an addiction therapist, or if funds allow get her into treatment. Some can't do it on their own even with meetings or a therapist. Some need inpatient rehab. Either way she needs to learn the tools in order to achieve sobriety. Once she learns these tools she can then start working on her recovery which in turn will allow you too also. Addiction isn't just affecting her whether she thinks that or not. It's a family disease and will take teamwork even years down the road.

I wish you the best of luck with this battle you are going through right now. Please stick around and post whenever you feel the need. You will learn so much reading through the many posts on here. Arm yourself with knowledge about addiction. Doing so will up the odds of getting your wife the help she needs.

Let her know about us here. We will do all we can to help the both of you.

Brian

[gnarly_1]

hi you will find a lot of support for spouses on this sight we have several regulars our membership is got a wide variety of people mothers fathers husbands wife's all looking for help it also go that you take some time and use this site to learn about addiction and the struggles with it so you can help your wife you may want to introduce here to our site
she wont feel so all alone.................Gnarly  

[ImDONENoMore]

I just wanted to see how you were doing tonight?  Your most recent post made me think of something.

During my early days of withdrawal, we just happened to have scheduled our "spring clean up".  No, it wasn't actually spring - it was months later.  But we had scheduled and paid for an actual dumpster to be brought on our property and had to make good use of this time (actually we ended up needing two dumpsters - YIKES).

During the clean-up process, one of the areas I was supposed to focus on was my personal bedroom closet.  Now granted, I felt like I was not in the right place to tackle such a project, but that stupid dumpster was booked, in place, and I had no choice.

When I started to go through my things to determine what could be thrown out or given to charity, I couldn't believe my eyes.   I must have found 100+ prescription bottles thrown about everywhere - in shoes, coat pockets, shoe boxes, boots, laundry basket.  UNBELIEVABLE.  I was never more ashamed of myself in my entire life.  My husband had given me a smaller garbage container to use before he had to carry it out to the dumpster.  So there was no way he wasn't going to see what I was throwing away as he dumped out the containers, one by one.  And the only thing I really remember about these moments was the silence.  The deafening silence.  He did not say a word.

When he got out to the dumpster and tipped the smaller garbage container, you could hear the "pings and pangs" of the bottles hitting the side of the dumpster.  Let me tell you, it was surreal, watching all of those bottles flying all over the place.  I simply looked, turned away and walked back into the house.  He never brought it up with me after that.  Never.

I can't imagine what he must of been thinking, looking at all those bottles that stole his wife away.  But after hearing your words, I will not let myself dwell on those moments.  I will never forget them, mind you, but I will not dwell on them.  I'm going to keep going and appreciate the here and now.  That's all we've got right?  May as well make the best of them.

I wondered if you have you thought yet about talking to her about all of this?  I remember you said she was an extremely private woman.  So am I (another thing she and I have in common).  Which is why this place has meant so much to me.  I can come here, vent and get all kinds of great advice and information, and still maintain anonymity.  I do think this place would be good for her, but I also remember where I was at when I was still using.  It took me weeks to get here.  I just couldn't summon up enough courage to post, but let me tell you, I did read.  And read.  And then read some more.  Getting all of the information about my DOC and reading others success stories has played a HUGE role in where I'm at today.  She doesn't have to post right away because I didn't, but she can begin with really small steps, like I did.  Just a thought.

And thank you again - and I won't repeat why because you already know.  :)

[ellibell07]

i am so happy i found this post! i have been wondering if there was any kind of forum for spouses also. my boyfried is addicted to pain pills and it's always a losing battle for me. i constantly have it on my mind and i can't wait for the day that he's clean. i could sit here and read everyone's post all day long. i still have faith that he will quit one day, i just want it to be sooner rather than later.

[Hagendaaz]

Hi bmdad and (gnarly_1), thanks for your wonderful lengthy post.  Before anything else, please let me commend you for your service in the marines.  This also puts into perspective that anyone is vulnerable even soldier.  I remember my dentist telling me about how Sodium Pentathol (general anesthetic) will take down even a 300 lb brute - so it just goes to show how powerful narcotics really are.  

I agree with you in that she needs help and cannot do it alone.  I would love to get her on this site, it's just a matter of how to go about doing it.  A few things have to happen first.  Number one is I need to take some time to prepare myself to put some of the anger aside - I sometimes can barely take in the reality that she has stolen vacations from her family by choosing to take her own and that can at times be infuriating.  I'm also mad at myself for being too passive and let it happen.  It is like a catch 22, confrontation could lead to hostility from her - being a naturally combative and controlling person, she is difficult to approach and it takes finesse.  And so, choosing to not act then enables the problem.  It is insidious.  Then as I digest these facts, I come back in circles of anger towards her for being the puppeteer of this madness.  It is hell.

So the only option as you've pointed out is to be the agent of change.  My coming here is the beginning I think.  I will have to mediate on the strategy though...

Thanks for your support and candor about your situation.  It's nice to know that you are out there looking out for others ;)

[Hagendaaz]

He did not say a word.  I can tell you he probably felt like me in this next little story...

The first time I addressed my situation, I mustered the courage, grabbed a container and and calmly asked 'can you please explain this'.   At first she gave me a baloney store about back pain.  I stood my ground and surprised her with what I already knew.  I basically told her I would support her to stop.  What I remember most vividly of that time (about 7 yrs ago) was that I had never seen so much shame in her face and body language - I felt nothing but deep sorrow for the remaining wisp of dignity I saw in someone that once had so much zest.  I'm sure for your husband that the toppling over containers were reminding him that your love had been evacuated.  It is a somber experience that just sort of extinguishes anger...

So I'm sure you are wondering what happened with our confrontation.  The next day she posted a chart that listed out the days of the week and wrote the numbers being ingested.  I thought that showed courage, she succeeded and got down to zero.  Of course that was bitter sweet.

I need to try again.  This time armed with the support of this group...Thanks again ;)

[Hagendaaz]

We are in it together...hang tough elibell07

[ImDONENoMore]

Only one thing comes to mind right now.  Your wife is really lucky to have you.  That's all I'm going to say. :)

[Teetime4u]

I am the mother of an opiate addict and I so understand your anger,fustration, and fear. I honestly cant tell you anything that will help with this situation. You need to figure out a way to approach your wife about her addiction. She is going to lie, deny, get defensive and mad at you. That is the reality of it all. You have to try to get her to get some help. If she wont. You need to cut all access to money from her. She will dig you so far in you will never get out. When they are in active addiction all they care about is their next fix. It is the hard reality of it all. I hope she will seek help. But you cant make her get help. It is something she has do do for herself. Hope this helps. Feel free to contact me anytime. I know all seems hopeless but as you can see on this site. People overcome this addiction everyday. It is doable. Everyone here is amazing and will help you more than you think.
Tee

[Hagendaaz]

Hi Tee, so sorry to hear that we share the same crooked path.  We are victims of the wreckage that the addiction causes.  We are punished by the drug which has scoped us on it's path.  I'm fully aware that unless the addict wants to stop, the drug will continue to operate and bring out the foulest of human traits.

Some suggest that nothing can be done until rock bottom has been reached.  But how far down is that?  How far down will a human plunge?  I feel like the hand at the top of a well.

Recently I've been thinking about the movie Trainspotting.  Contrary to popular belief, this is one of the most inspirational movies you can watch.  Most believe it is a glorification of Herion addiction, it is not.  Rather, the message of the story is that Renton (Ewan Macgreggor) breaks the addiction.  There is a song in there by Pulp called Mile end - it pinpoints exactly the nature of an addict

"I guess you have to go right down
Before you understand just how
How low, how low a human being can go"

So I'm beginning to think that it is nearing time for me to send her an email that links to this site...I see the people here are wonderful.  Thankyou ;)

[bmdad]

I feel anyone is vulnerable when it comes to addiction. I myself was never addicted to anything up until my injury. In the past I would drink but only socially and not all that often. In high school I did smoke pot a couple times but didn't enjoy so I stopped with no issues. When I first started taking vicodin for my back pain I never took more than prescribed and only as needed. This lasted for a year until I had my surgery. After my surgery the pain went away for the time being and I put the vicodin down without a problem. I did experience withdrawals though because my body became dependent. Mentally I was fine, physically I was a wreck for a week. But after awhile my pain returned from scar tissue buildup. I then went back on the pain meds to control legitimate pain. But as my tolerance grew I continued to take more and more. Eventually I was taking them not only for the pain but also for the high. I then crossed that line from being dependent to addicted. I feel this can happen to anyone if they are on them for a long enough time. I didn't have any addictive qualities at all before all of this. Looking back it's almost like I was blindsided by it. I think before any patient is prescribed narcotic pain meds they should have to go through a week long class that shows just how easy it is to become addicted. The should also show true life videos of the devastating effects the pills can have. The pharmacy does give paperwork with all scripts saying how it can be habit forming. But most of us already know that. The need to do more to make everyone aware of just how habit forming they really are.

I feel you are going about your wife's addiction in one of the best ways possible. If someone has never been addicted they have no idea what it is like. The next best way to learn about addiction is by hearing it from others. Keep reading posts on here especially new members who come on here and post. You will notice that they are full of guilt, shame, and scared out of their mind. I can almost guarantee that your wife has all of these feelings. Admitting to ourselves that we are an addict is hard enough but to actually admit it to someone else, especially a loved one, is so much more difficult. My wife still has no idea just how bad I got. She knows I was taking a few more than prescribed but but mainly thinks it was only every now and then and when I was having a bad day with the pain. I was very close quite a few times coming clean to her but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. In society the word addict has such a bad rap. Everyone non addict seems to think that every addict is like a felon. When most people hear the word addict they instantly think of some jobless, homeless person sitting behind some trash cans in a dark alley in a bad part of town with a needle hanging out of one arm and a bottle of whiskey in the other. An addict just isn't socially accepted as being a decent productive member of society. Until everyone realizes that an addict isn't a bad person but rather a sick person most addicts will keep it a secret. At least they will keep it a secret and not admit they really have a problem until someone comes along with open arms and will care and show the loving support an addict so desperately needs. That's my opinion on it at least.

I'm sure she is full of guilt, shame, anger, etc. The thing is she can't do this on her own. Even if she said today, "I'm done" and went through withdrawals for a week or two her chance of relapse is probably close to 100% unless she gets some outside support such as NA or an addiction therapist. There is no cure for addiction but we can keep it in remission. Cancer can be put in remission with the help of chemo and medications. The only medicine an addict has to keep their addiction in remission is their recovery program. Would cancer go away if the patient tried treating it on their own? No way. Neither will addiction. Until she realizes this she will more than likely continue down the path she is currently traveling. I'm sure if she could quit on her own she would have a long time ago. It's just not that easy. I'm also sure that if she could go back in time and prevent herself from taking that first pill she would. Even though I've been clean for 10 months I still wish I would have treated my pain from the get go by other means like I am doing now. But I also know I can't change the past and all I can do is make the right decisions from this day forward. That's how you will have to approach this also. Once you do get her to finally put an end to this madness you have to let her know that the slate will be wiped clean and you are ready to start over.

Continue to arm yourself with knowledge. That is really the only weapon you have right now if you want to save her life. Granted, you could divorce her and move on with your life which would make your life a bit easier but it wont save her life. You also have to realize that even once she gets clean that addiction doesn't go away. She will be an addict for the rest of her life and it will take work to stay clean. That's why once you get her into recovery she is gonna have to agree to work her recovery for the rest of her life whether it be NA, a therapist, or both. The more she does the less chance she has at relapsing although relapsing is always going to be a possibility.

One thing we recommended on here in the past to a mother of an addict was for her to try and get him on here. She also stated that her son was a very private person and didn't think she could get him on here. We had her start a thread asking everyone to type their story and where they are at now. We tried to share our thought process while in addictive addiction. The reason for sharing our thought process was to show just how similar all of stories really are. Most who come on here can't believe that so many of us share the same feelings and that our stories are so alike. We then had her print off the thread so her son could read it in hopes that he would then come on here and join us. I'm sure your wife feels so alone and feels as if there's no hope and nobody that can understand what she is dealing with. But if you can get her on here she will realize that she no longer has to feel so alone. Many don't come online until they are at the end of their rope and are desperate. Some are just playing with the thought of trying to get clean. Either way most that come here do end up at least trying to get clean. Almost everyone here that finally took the plunge will say that they could not have done it without this forum. This forum seems to give the little nudge or that little added bit of motivation that so many of us need to take that plunge.

Just keep continuing the research, take notes from what you learn and get a plan together. You have some tough work ahead of you but it can pay off. Your wife will eventually be so thankful that you stayed by her side and helped her through all of this. It may help to print of this thread that you started. I think ImDONENoMore may really be able to help your wife see the light. Her story and your wife's story seem so similar. Maybe having your wife see she made it through may help her realize that she can too. You know your wife so you have to decide how to approach this. Take baby steps though. It may take a serious ultimatum to get her to finally do this or it may just take her getting on here and reading. If you take those baby steps you may end up knowing sooner than you think whether or not you are going to have to apply more pressure or not.

I commend you for the process you are taking. You can never have too much knowledge and it show you are willing to try anything and everything. Let your wife know that we are here to help when she is ready.

Brian

[Hagendaaz]

Brian, some times I wonder if she is filled with guilt and shame and think instead she is filled with hatred for me.  Today she said, 'omg, dear oh dear, you can't believe that groceries were $1,800 this month - the kids are eating so much'.  My kids are 4 and 6.  No kid eats that much food a month.  Oh by the way, that doesn't include meals for us, because ya know why, we don't have a meal time, we have don't bother me it reality tv time and I'm not leaving this lair.

Let me tell you if told someone that blatant a lie - I would think they were a complete idiot to believe it.  And if I believe they bought it I'd snigger at them for being so foolish.

That's how I feel! This is insidious.  I have little compassion today.

[ImDONENoMore]

Well, if she's anything like me (and as you and I talked about, I think she might be) it's guilt and shame.  And she's going to continue to justify her behavior and will continue to defend it so she can keep using.  That's what I did.  My husband would ask questions, I'd give him some baloney answer and he knew it was BS.  And he too lost compassion - of course he did.  How could he (you?) not?  As husband and wife, we're supposed to be honest with each other right?  Only there's nothing honest about addiction.  It's all lies and deceit.  And we become incredibly selfish people.  I was never proud of myself when I was taking all that poison.  It takes away your self-worth, your judgment, your common sense.  And most of all it takes away your honesty.  We aren't honest with ourselves when we're using so how could we be honest with our loved ones?  Not possible.

Have you spoken to her yet about what you're feeling?  Does she know you come here for knowledge and support?  If it were me, and I knew my husband had to turn to this web site for support that he should have been getting from ME, it would at the very least certainly make me think.  I mean, maybe it would be a start to a conversation that's long overdue?  Please don't misunderstand me as I know you are suffering.  I can't help but hear my husband in your words, so it's heartbreaking for me to imagine what you're going through.  But maybe somewhere deep down inside she's looking for a way out - someone to push her there maybe?  Yes, in the end, it's all us.  We have to do the work to get clean.  And we are the only ones who can keep us clean.  But if she saw your pain, and heard the pain in your pleas for her to get help, maybe that would at the very least get her thinking about what she's doing to herself and what she's doing to you.  Just something to think about.

I will continue to keep you in my prayers.  And her too.  :)

[atthebeach]

hello.my computer was down and i haven't been on here for about 10 days.  i am the wife of a RECOVERING addict. i found this site about 11 months ago. i want to tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. when i found this site my husband and i had been separated for a year. he left me  and ( i kicked him out)  and our four children so he could continue using his methadone and xanax. this had been going on for 14 yrs. of our marriage. my family was broken ( i thought it was beyond repair),he had been an heroin addict befpre we were marriedand had been clean for 7 years when we got married and remained clean for another 5 years. then things just didn't seem right. missing money, time not accounted for, falling asleep,strange cell phone calls, leaving the house at unusual times, just didn't add up. i asked and got answers ok trust that is what marriage is about. he always worked we had our own business, he functioned very well. more questions more lies. i find a bottle and he confessed. sorry, sorry won't happen again. i believe i trust.  i miscarried and i later believed it was because of his use that something was wrong with the baby.he went away to a rehab for a month or so. came back things were fine for awhile .i had 2 more babies within 22 months. he began
to use again. then he said i am going to go on methadone for awhile to help with my cravings. little did i know once on meth. hardly ever get off.
so much hurt,lies, deceit, hate,yelling, screaming, fighting, we were living a lie, i felt i had to cover up for him to protect our family. emotionally, mentally  i was a mess, trying to keep myself and my family together. he always denied his use, got nasty, abusive to me and the children. i definitely enabled i had no where to go and he refused to leave. i never worked outside the home and depended on him for the finances. he started to remove the dates from the meth and pill bottles and claim they were old. NOT. so we lived in our secret behind our closed doors for 14 years. finally in feb. 2009 after my oldest son and daughter had also started to use pot, coke and pills did i have enough. i finally had him arrested and he left the house. he lived in a room and continued to use, became very suicidal. he had become a shell of the man i once knew. he didn't care about his family, our business, himself and even life. in jan. 2010. i cleared out all the bank accounts and he had no money. he threatened, cursed, screamed, i agreed to pay for a hotel room for one night and said he must go to rehab. he went kicking and screaming but he went. stayed 3 months. that is when i found this site in march 2010. he has been clean now for 10 and 1/2 months on feb. 23rd it will be one year. we are still healing, day by day. my children are bouncing back. my 25 yr. old son has been clean for 1 and 1/2 yrs. my 19 yr. old daughter has been clean for 13 months, my 13 and 11 yr. old boys have been in therapy for two and a half yrs. we are been restoring by the grace of God. during their use they are ashamed, embarrased, in denial, have lost their dignity, i was going for a divorce one year ago and i now sit it typing this. i would never have believed it myself.
we had a miracle , God is able to do it for you too. i will post again. i just want you to know i have forgotten so much of what has happened to my family. i am working through my bitterness and am working on forgiveness. when i said my vows i did say for better or worse and i know the better is getting better day by day.
God is working, keep the faith.
debbie

[Hagendaaz]

Hi again, you are right in so many ways - and again many many thanks for your insight and perspective. I need to let her know how I feel.  I have reservations however.  I'm need to be ready for an onslaught of accusations that I'm the creator of the monster for making life so difficult.  It might be easier if I could believe that I was responsible for all this but the thing is that she is privileged to not have to work or barely lift a finger basking in the support of me, her family, my family who routinely take the kids out and let her be.  I believe the problem stems from the inability to appreciate 2 things - the world around you and yourself.  Appreciating these sustains a dynamo of life.  I think of her sometimes as the ultimate optimist - that's one who says the glass is 1% empty when it is 99% full.

So part of me seems to feel that I need a queue - that she is sick and tired and wants my help.  But I don't see that now.  I just feel that she views me as dr frankenstein.

[ImDONENoMore]

I believe my husband felt as you do.  Only he went against all of his preconceived notions about how to support someone and supported me anyway.  I thinkt that's where you need to go.  (again, please don't take me the wrong way).  I know she's crying out for help, even if those cries are silent to you.  She needs someone to help her out of this horrible mess she has created for herself - and as her husband, I'm afraid that person is you.  Like it or not.  (again, please don't take offense to my harsh reply I mean no disrespect and I know you want to wring her neck, I know).  I could "feel" my husband's comtempt towards me and he had every right to feel that way.  Only he ignored those feelings long enough to help me find my way out.

And she will continue to view you as Dr. Frankenstein as long as she feels you are judging her.  Feeling disappointment from her, feeling that she isn't the person you feel she can be.  Until she feels safe to tell you why she's using, she'll never feel the security she so desperately needs to find her way out.  It's so strange writing to you - I feel like I'm able to speak for her and you are able to speak for my husband.  How much I wish you two could speak to EACH OTHER.  There's no other way to begin here except to open up to each other.  The more you continue to keep your feelings in, the more she'll assume you don't care and continue to abuse her drugs.

I continue to keep you and her in my thoughts and prayers.  Please please find a way to begin a dialogue with her about what you're feeling.  PLEASE.  p.s. and again, i don't mean to come across as harsh.  i'm only speaking from my heart.

[Hagendaaz]

No worries at all please, no need to apologize.  This is very helpful.  Of course you must completely understand that (regarding the whole Dr. Frankenstein thing)...that...well, it just becomes so much harder to respect someone the deeper the fall.  I get it believe me - that the addiction feeds the original cause more and more incessantly and its grip tightens as a result.

What I'm trying to express is that for there to be a catalyst, I need a to see a spark.  I need to see the first step, no matter how small I will support so strongly.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to try to coerce that first little bit of effort.  I think that is the right thing to do,,,

Oh and yes, it is quite surreal playing each other's spouse right?  Look for an message from me soon ;)

[ImDONENoMore]

I know what you're saying.  I know my husband was waiting for me to reach out for help.  Only I never did.  It wasn't until he got in my face (not in a violent way mind you, but a very defiant way nonetheless) that I began to think about what I was doing to myself and to him.  And no, I didn't stop right there and then.  Those feelings took some time to sink in.  And then finally, when I realized I had nowhere else to go but even further down than I already was (or DEAD), I knew he was there and would be there to help me.  And yes, he was angry for a while, actually I believe he still is angry but I'm trusting that time will take care of that.  But that's okay - I knew he had every right to be upset and I did not confront him or attack him in any way for that.  I knew what I had done to him and I was going to have to earn his trust and respect again.

I'm SO glad to hear you say that you're ready to address this with her.  That is THE place to start.  I wish you much luck with that.  And if she rejects you at first, TRY AGAIN.  :)

[Hagendaaz]

Hi there and thanks for your story and words of hope.  The first thing that comes to mind is weighing 14 years of one lifestyle that has only recently changed.  You sound more relieved than anything else (understandably) but I wonder about the level of anger towards what was lost in a blur - so much time - how can you forgive?  And what about your confidence that this is really changed.  I ask that because (as you maybe read), I previously thought I was successful when I intervened - that was long ago and since then, it is unreal how much has been invested in the acquisition and indulgence of these heinous pills.  I'm all too familiar with what they (opiates) do to a person's dignity - I've seen similar behaviors as you have, one day pleasant and placid sailing, the next is complete irrationality, hostility and madness.  And yes, I too cover up - once my mother asked - do you think she is on drugs...what could I say...

Part of me wants to approach her father...somehow I think he is suspicious.  A looming concern for me however is the behavior rubbing of on the kids.  I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you to deal with the behavior propagating like that.  But I completely get it that that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Thank you again so much for sharing this and massive commendation for standing up and saying enough.  

[bmdad]

I honestly think that talking to her father about it is a good idea. I think that when your mother asked you, "do you think she's on drugs?", you should have opened up to her about. Every time you cover up for her you are enabling her. I'm not saying that the reason it has went on this long is because of you because it is not. But right now your wife's addiction is your problem. The sooner you stop covering up for her that addiction will then become her problem. The sooner it becomes her problem the sooner she will hit rock bottom and decide it's time to get help. I to not mean to come off as harsh. This addiction is 100% her and not you. The reason you have done what you have done is because you love her and are taking care of her. But right now her secrets have become your secrets. Your money is buying pills to feed her addiction. The home you once lived in has become a place where she can hide and continue down this path of self destruction. I know you worry about bringing too much out and having your kids catch on. I know your kids are only 4 and 6 (I think that's what you said somewhere above) but they know something is not right. Kids can almost sense these things before we can no matter what the age. The sooner you let the cat out of the bag the sooner you can get your family back on track. She needs to realize that what she is doing isn't only effecting her, or you but the entire family.

Why would she stop if her secret is safe with you? Why would should stop if she can say she spent $1800 on groceries this month and get away with it? Why should she stop if she has access to all funds, a roof over her head and a loving husband that supports her during all of this?

I know I mentioned somewhere above how I got started. I never really said why I finally quit. My wife, her family, and my family knew I was on pain medication for my back. At first I was a highly functioning addict. Over time I started slipping. I was laid off for about 6 months and this caused my use to escalate. As I took more my every day busy life slowed down. I no longer helped out as much around the house, I stayed up late and didn't get up as early and my motivation level just dropped. My wife kept this bottled up for some time before she just couldn't handle it on her own anymore. She finally talked to my family and her family about it. Just knowing that they were meeting to talk about me really burned my chaps. I argued and argued saying how I was fine, I was taking as prescribed, I needed them for pain, I didn't have a problem, blah blah blah. I went from my addiction being my wife's problem to being my problem in about a week. I knew was slowly being surrounded. I was getting calls from my parents, her parents, my sisters, friends, and what seemed like everyone that even knew me. They all offered help. They all offered to get me into treatment. I felt the walls closing in. I knew my using days were coming to an end. I desperately wanted them to have ended long before but it's not that easy. If it were that easy almost everyone would have quit long ago. Of course I kept trying to get one more day in. But it came to a point where I knew my act was up. Everyone knew how full of it I really was. I went down kicking and screaming swearing up and down that I didn't have a problem. I'm mean, how could they know? They don't feel the pain that I feel. They don't know if I need them or not. But I knew they were right. The pressure and the embarrassment of every knowing was enough to get me to finally quit. If my addiction was still my wife's problem and not mine I would probably still be using. So, make your wife's addiction your wife's problem. Don't continue to let it be your problem. She responsible for her actions, not you.

I know you are in the process of making it her problem. That is your reason for finding this forum. The sooner you get this process going the sooner your family's life can get back on track. She's going to go down kicking and screaming just like every addict does but she will eventually give in. Maybe start off slow by sitting down and telling her that she can no longer go on like this. After she denies a problem to the end then talk to her father about it. That will slowly pick up the pressure. If you do bring her father into it you all need to sit down with her together. Just slowly step up the pressure each and every day. Nobody knows just how much pressure you will need to apply. With some all it takes is a good talk. With others all it takes is involving other loved ones. It may take cutting off all access to funds, vehicles, ect. And with some it even takes telling them to leave until they are ready. Just take it a step at a time and eventually she will find her bottom.You wouldn't be doing this if you didn't care. You are doing this because you love her and you want to save her life. She won't realize this at first but once clean she will realize just how much you love her and that you saved her life.

She isn't a lost cause. You just have to speed her up in the process of her finding her rock bottom. Everyone has a rock bottom. You just have to figure out what hers is. She's never going to find it if you continue to let her addiction be your problem.

Hang in there Hagendaaz. You will get your wife back.

Brian

[atthebeach]

so much of the 14 yrs. did become a blur, trying to keep myself together, raise my 4 children, all the insanity, i became an FBI agent always looking for hidden bottles, phone calls, evidence to plead my case and "to catch him in his lies" and he always had a rebuttal. i indeed thought i was going insane. it was a living hell. we slept in separate rooms for 5 years and had no relationship at all. in the beginning when i knew he was using i feared i would get a call he had been in an accident, had od,been shot while coping, then as the years went on and all the anger and hatred that was present i then began to secretly hope he would die to end the insanity and it would be my way out. i wouldn't have to file for divorce. he was so nasty, defensive, i didn't know if he acted like that when he was high or wasn't. he became violent with me and the children. called me a witch, a nag, a biotch, i was the reason for him using. i became his scapegoat. he drank on top of his methadone and xanax and that had him more aggressive.
as i said before i definitely know i enabled him. i also keep it a secret until about 2 years before he went to rehab. i had other friends confront him, i told our pastor, i told my family and his sister knew. it wasn't until i told his mom and she freaked out on him a 80 yr. old italian immigrant. that he felt like a little kid and she told him if you dont go to a rehab "i no have a son" that hit him. so between me taking all the money out of the accounts and his mom knowing, even my young boys of 10 & 12 knew he was an addict because we didn't hear from him for a week so i had to tell them he was on drugs. all this and him finally being sick and tired of being a prisoner to his bottles was when he went away.
i believe to expose your wife is a good thing. the secrets really don't help anyone involved. limit her money, don't let her have access to the accounts, give her an allowance to go shopping and ask for receipts. i also called his doctors and pharmacys and told them not to give him any scripts. he then had to buy from the streets. i also made him take me to the methadone clinic and put him on a detox plan and not a maintenance plan. if she is getting scripts from doctors call them. you have to protect your children. does she drive with them in the car?  i forgot are they prescribed? if not urine test her. it definitely wears on you, it is exhausting being the caregiver of an addict. i pray for you and her both. confront her and tell her you will support her to get clean.
blessings,
debbie

[atthebeach]

about the forgiving. enough of my life has already been engulfed with bitterness and hate. through forgiveness our family is healing. if i didn't forgive then i couldn't stay married i would just divorce and be a bitter woman for the rest of my life. that would only hurt me and my children further. i have great faith, hope and trust in the Lord, it is because of this that i am able to forgive. bitterness eats at people like a cancer. i didn't say i have forgotten just learning to forgive. i definitely have days when i am sad, mad, bitter, cry. there are definitely consequences of his years of use, our finances are a mess, our children have emotional issues that we are dealing with, my older childrens drug use, trust issues. does anyone have any certainty about tomorrow? hopefully, prayerfully it is done. he will always be a RECOVERNG addict. i will have to keep my guard up and watch and pray.
debbie

[Sal329]

I'm glad I found this forum. My wife has been on pain meds since 08, she stopped while preg with our daughter but went right back to them after she was born. She suffers from chronic pain in her neck and back mostly but it seems to travel. The only thing the docs cansee is arthritis in her neck and mild scoliosis in her lower back. She has decided that she does not likelivin her life on the meds as they make her feel not herself and then has to suffer when she runs out. It has been about 3 weeks since her last pill even her anxiouty meds are gone. I am so proud of her but every time we talk about things I feel pushed away she just tells me I have no idea how she feels or what's she is goin through. Which is right because I never relied on meds ordrugs, I did drink a lot beforeour kids but without thinkin bout it I stopped. Anway I amglad to find a place I can turn to for advise and support

[Hagendaaz]

You are lucky that she has been on them for only a relatively short time.  Also, the fact that she stopped while pregnant shows she has a little more control over the lure of the high.  If she were more susceptible she'd take them while pregnant if you can believe that.  You are in a good position for recovery.  The chronic pain is a complicating factor.  I've recommended this several time on other threads - exercise - it helps tremendously, so unless her doctor says don't do it, then why not.  I've had the most difficult time finding the motivation to exercise, I tried all sorts of activities and hated it.  Finally I found swimming and love it.  No longer do I have to push myself to get out and do it, instead, I crave getting to the pool.  The point is that if you find an activity that is really enjoyable - motivation becomes a side affect of wanting to do it.  The rewards are unreal, mentally and physically.  I'm sorry to hear that she pushes you away, that is something that completely ***** that she cannot at least confide in you to help you understand what she is going through.  Pretty much the same attitude on this end - very closed private personality which is almost futile to try and crack open.  Basically it seems that it is pointless and maybe even counter productive to try and force open, but better to simple remain open yourself (without being sheepish) and give little hints that you are there to support knowing that you cannot fully understand.

Do you think that maybe she pushes you away and avoids explaining how it is because perhaps the pain problem is not as bad as it is made out to be?  The lure of the high can produce the most insane excuses imaginable.  In a lot of ways, it is like being a parent rather than a partner...

[Deb179]

Hi ...I'm Debbie.  I'm the mom bmdad refers to, a few posts back, about letters written by members to my son.

I have to tell you...You Are in the right place !!!
People, here are WONDERFUL.  I have never in my life time found so many people so willing to give of them selves....to help a total stranger.
Each person here, has their own issues, their own pain, but give SO FREELY.  One in particular, has taken me under his wing and walked my path of pain with me, he brought me to the rainbow :)  I pray I may someday beable to do the same for him.  It is something...I will ...never forget.

I came here in desperation.  My son a heavy IV heroin user, in jail...due to his drug use.  Jail...reason being I was unable to get him on this site,  OD once and 2 suicide attempts in 3 months.  He gave up on life....saw NO other way out.  I frantically searched for someone on the out side, "my friends" haha.  Most believed he was right where he belonged..."he did this to himself" no comfort what so ever.  Granted, he did do this to himself, but I wasn't in any way ready to except that as the answer and sit in the back ground waiting for the inevitable.
First ...the members, guided me out of the hole I was falling into, 2nd...help for my son.  The suggestion was made to ask for letters to be written , that I could print and send, with hope, he could see others in the same situation, desperation, struggling, but many making their way to the other side...HOPE...

I have really not been back alot lately, spending alot of time with my son.....this time in a Good Way.
But I do Believe An Overdue THANK YOU is in order
SO....THANK YOU....your letters, have done more than you can ever know.
You helped to give "My Son" a second chance !!!!
Hagendaaz....I printed every letter, I sent them to my son...He once again...had Hope.
He had his final court date ( sentencing) last Wed.  He was looking at up to 7 years in state prison.  He just turned 21...Also  A Great Kid, that made a Bad Choice.  He was willing to pay the price, for the wrong things he had done...to get his drugs, but also felt...his life...drugs, prison or death.  He had begged for help...no one would give him the chance. as he was also on probation.  He also had an accumulation of clean time....8 months ( 4 forced & 4 on his own)

Back to the letters.  The letters I sent him from the members...really touched him.  He after reading them forwarded them to the judge along with a letter of his own and a letter from his mom, which was writen with the help of "my guardian angel ",the member that took me under his wing.
The first words from the judge, " I received a flood of mail on behalf of Lee and read each and every one of them "
The letters...touched her heart, and brought tears to her eyes...her words.  Judges, aren't suppose to be emotional..are they ??
She saw 3 different sides of an all to familiar story.  The Love of a mom, that would not give up,  the addict...fighting to see the hope, that was once there, and the unselfishness, of total strangers, giving of themselves...to help one of their own.
I am convinced...nothing short of a miracle happened that day in the court room.  Rather than her sentencing him to prison as expected....she fully released him.  Wiped his path clear of probation and court .  She told him.."To go FIX his life "
He has a second chance.
He will be released next Thursday, into the hands of the only councilor, that was able to reach beyond his addiction..she touched his soul.  They are already working on the next plan of action, while I KNOW, a long road awaits and I'm afraid of getting my hopes to high.....I at the present time no longer fear, the death of my son.  

There is absolutely No Doubt in my mind....the outcome would Not be the same.....with out the guidance of these special people.
I for One Am & Will be Forever Greatful !!

So....Yes...Stick around.
If you can't get your wife here...try printing some of the stories, leave them somewhere, so she will find them....I believe once she reads a few, she Will look for more, not only will they show her there is hope.  Who Knows, maybe the incouragment, will help her find a quit buddy.

My Best to You & Your Wife !!!
God Bless You ALL!!!
Deb

PS  I have always wanted to go back to school, not knowing what for....after this experience....I think I have found my answer.
Substance abuse counseling, while I may be ready to retire, before I get my degree.....I know where I can Still come for "guidance" :)

[Kelseago]

Wow, I literally cried reading all this. I'm a recovering coke, speed, really anything that'd keep me up addict. I can tell you that she does feel shame, as i did/do. I was the money maker in the first half of our relationship so he really had no clue what I spent. What's sad is I would find ways to not pay. Being a restaraunt manager it was easy. The day I realized he finally knew was when we were packing to move and we kept finding empty baggies everywhere. He would throw them away and I would retrieve and shamefully lick them. He saw me and just hung his head and walked away. That was one if the saddest moments of my life. I know now that he always knew. After having our kids I quit the illegal stuff and went to "legal" speeds. I actually took 20 duet pills in one day. I would get upset if my husband would take one before his workout.  When i bought bottles he would take half and hide. I guess it was his way of trying to help. Anyhoo, sorry for rambling but you just really hit home. Keep your head up, there is hope. There's always hope when there's still love

[storyzhanmai]

I need some advice..

My husband is an alcoholic/addicted to pain pills.  He got hooked on pain pills after his back surgery.  He's been addicted to alcohol for a long time, but since he's been on pain pills, his alcoholism has increased.  His inhibitions are lowered, so he has begun drinking more.  

My feelings for my husband fluctuate with every passing day.  For many years I didn't know it was such an issue.  I'm very naive.  Today I decided to search for advice on how I can help him recover, because I never know how I should act, and I worry that I'm an enabler.  I have a very passive personality, which leads me to ignore the situation instead of communicating with him.  I hate confrontations.

2 weeks ago, I had enough courage to speak, (due to getting really angry with him after a drunken/high episode, when I was very sick) about his issues.  I've spoken up before, but this time it was different.  I talked about how I needed that to be his rock bottom.  He handled it better than he ever had before.  We started communicating about it every day, and he stayed sober for two weeks.  He turned his prescribed pain pills over to me, to monitor his intake, asked me to hide them, or keep them away from the house.  He asked me to ask him if he had any hidden, etc, to force him to be honest.  So when he asked me this morning to bring home 14 pills from his bottle to last him the weekend, and a look of consternation came over my face, and he immediately got angry with me because he felt like he was being honest and I should trust him, I didn't know what to say.  Then later today when he texted me and said "sorry, but he needed to drink tonight, don't be mad" and I tried to text him encouragement to stay sober, and he said "don't make me feel worse about it" I got very angry.
So, as I sit here typing, he is in the other room.  He's had a bottle of wine.  I've seen him searching my car for more pills.  I think he's taking some of his other prescribed meds (for depression, anxiety) since he can't find the pain pills.  

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  He's gone to a few al anon meetings.  I don't feel like he is getting the full benefit.  
My main question is: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ACT IN ORDER TO HELP HIM?  It is always a possibility that he will get suicidal.  He's been saying lately, "if anything ever happens to me, just know that there is nothing anybody could have said.  it's just who I am."  When I press him to talk more about that, he promises that he has no plans of suicide.  I encourage him to go to meetings.  And his psychiatrist.  But I don't know what else to do.

[maps123]

How do you pick up the pieces of your life when you've been stolen from, lied to and hurt by an addict? I've done what I can to support them and be kind, loving, and forgiving. They're in meetings and making excellent progress, but my heart is so wounded I don't know how to heal. My trust is shattered. The life I built with this person was my second chance, as I am a divorcee. And now I'm faced with this. I've spent nearly two years in this life, and found out that I was robbed of my life savings slowly by the addict. I'm so lost. I feel more alone than ever, and I seriously don't know how to cope.

[diva1957]

This is terrible, maps. I feel for you. I'm in the process of removing myself from a similar situation before everything is stolen from me. You've just paid for a very expensive lesson and you are ready to heal and move on. Consider the addict dead, but don't hate on the addict. Go to therapy and take care of yourself. Next time you go into a relationship have a series of questions to ask. Yes, conduct an interview as you would when hiring an employee.  

[Whyme3]

Maps123 I understand your pain to some degree. I will tell you a little of my back-story:
I recently found out that my husband was abusing and stopped using (cold turkey) pain pills all without my knowledge. He had not been hurt in an accident just decided that he would do them because his “friends” were. Money kept disappearing but I was very naive and had no idea what was going on. I was also preoccupied because when he started his heavy use of pills I became pregnant. I then had a miscarriage and had several medical problems due to it. According to my husband when he found out that there was no longer a heartbeat at the ultrasound he stopped using. Therefore, when I was having all my serious health problems he was going through withdraws which I thought was severe depression.

Sometimes when I think about it I just get so angry I want to scream and punch him in the face. I just don’t trust him anymore. It feels like I am his mom all the time asking where are you going, where is your tip money, do you have your list of your tables, blah, blah, blah that is not me and it is not the type of marriage I want to be in. We also have two children and I worry about them being alone with him durring the day and I absolutely hate that feeling. I just get so bitter and so depressed when I start thinking about it. However, most of the time I just feel so guilty because I feel like what if I put him in the position where he wanted to use.  I also worry about: how will I know when he is using again I couldn’t tell before- and it just *****... big time!
We are in marriage counseling which seems to work. This weekend we had a big fight (for us) and we were able to later the next day, after we calmed down and apologized for what we said, talk about what was bothering us and our feelings without each other getting upset. We are still not back to where we were before the drug abuse by any means but I feel like we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope this helped you out a little bit and good luck with your marriage and his recovery.

[diva1957]

The question for me: how do you get the addict to admit she is addicted if she doesn't think there's anything wrong with what she does? If she feels entitled to draining us financially? How do you get her to go to therapy?

[Nighthawk61]

I'm so glad that you posted and so eloquently described what so many feel. My husband and myself are both recovering addicts and clean since 1999.  We understand your feelings as a spouse of an addicted person and also of the person addicted. You are in our thoughts and our prayers. I hope that your wife finds the site, to help her quit and control this deplorable family disease. Perhaps there are reasons from her past that have contributed to her letting herself fall in such a wretched manner. She will find a forum to discuss these things if she is involved in a proper intervention process. We're so so sorry for how you are feeling, one day after the next, for so many years, it seems. The little ones need to be protected. If I were you I would cut her off financially. Period. What choice do you have. It doesn't sound like your wife is experiencing a great deal of regret, to me. I would hire a nanny to look after the kids while I was at work.  They know there's something terribly wrong. I think that it's time that they were made the priority, and i think that it would be good for your wife to know that they must now come first. I would do the grocery shopping myself, unless you get a nanny from a very reputable source, and then have her do this, with the children in tow. Please stop being taken advantage of, or it will be too late for you and your wife to find your way back to each other. As all of the loving posts here, we pray for you and hold you in our thoughts, and look forward to your post in the future that states that you have gone through the worst of it. Fare well, Hagendaaz.

[diva1957]

Dear ellibell, like you, I can sit and read the posts all day and not consider it a waste of time. I wish I could have my wife admit she is an addict and start reading these fab posts. I've only been here for a month and a little and already I feel I know and love all these anonymous people. They've helped with their answers and encouragements and simply by being there, worrying, like me.

[sandybeachgirl]

It took my former husband losing our home, his family and more and then over 2 years beyond us being separated and eventually divorced before he hit rock bottom and started to take AA seriously. He's been clean for almost 4 years and his new wife will probably and hopefully never experience the man he used to be.

[jenna764]

I am not sure if I can even get through this post...first thank you for posting and starting what seems like a really compassionate thread that can be used by so many of us....I am the wife of an alcoholic/pain pill addict. Today I am at wits end and not sure what to do. I have spent 14 years being lied to stolen from and all around decieved and i am just not willing to do it anymore...We have a twelve year old daughter and she sees the total destruction of our lives and when she asked if she could have a friend over today i had to tell her no. when she was little i would try to have people over on the good days and try to hide the bad days...well i can no longer hide the person her father is from her nor her friends... it makes me sick to see the hurt and understanding in her eyes and know that she does not hate me for it but she is still confused...I am confused...i have worked hard for all of these years and i am about to lose everything that i have worked for...in reality its not the posessions but the independence...i work in a very public place and know everyone and have spent years trying to hide what my husband is...there is no rock bottom for him...he has been in jail for 6 months at a time lied and stolen from his friends and family and they all know it. he never contributes anything that he does not take right back and he sells everything that is not under lock and key..he has destroyed several vehicles and still somehow manages to keep his liscense. he has done everything from endangering our child by driving under the influence with her in the car as well as be arrested for having pot in our home... he was in a drug court situation two times for a total of 3 years and under constant supervision and had the most people trying to help him that i have ever seen..he has been through interventions and counseling and aa  and also NA . a year ago i made him move out and kept him out for 6 months. after six months out of our area he started to call our daughter and worked on her fragile mind and she begged for him to be able to move back in..he promised to go to church with us and fit into our lives the way they were...needless to say i found out that for the last 8 months he has been using and running up bills out of town and lying about where he has been...he sits in church and tries to pretend like it is all in the past...but ten minutes ago is not the past to me....sorry for rambling but i am just so distraught that i can only vent at this moment

[micelf223]

It's my husband.  How did it turn out for you?

[Kristy91]

Is there a support group for spouses of addicts?  I need some support, it's hard to be alone.......my husband of 21 years is quickly becoming a Percocet addict.  We have 2 children, 4 and 13 years old.   I can just feel the life being sucked out of me watching him do this to himself.   I could sure use some advice.  I am running out of options.

[clean_in_ks]

Hi Kristy....yes there is a support group the loved ones of addicts.
It's called Nar-Anon.  Also, even tho Al-Anon's first and foremost purpose is for loved ones of alcoholics, the world is quickly filling up with ALL types of addicts.  Alcohol is a drug and of course, so are the obvious ones like heroin, etc. but prescription drug addiction is HUGE in our day and age!
You can check out both Al-Anon and Nar-Anon online and be sure to check both the .org and .com sites. You will find support in many forms.
Their literature is fabulous.  You can find a meeting close to where you live.  You can also be a part of online meetings if you want.
Lots of options there.....addiction is a family illness......and you have to take care of you.........FIRST.....then your kiddos.......they even have al-ateen!
I have a loved one whose son just went to a weekend deal with his al-ateen group and it blessed his socks off (his big brother is a drug addict).
Blessing to you girl~

[clean_in_ks]

Also, this thread you posted on is really, really old....2011.
If you want to post a new comment or question, hit the orange box for post a question, start your own thread, and you will get a lot more visibility there.

[maintmanjess]

Hey brother,  I feel your pain and live it on a daily basis myself! Worse part is that this my second failing marriage to this crap and get this....I'm in a ridged pain management program for severe disc and nerve pain issues!!!  So guess who they stole/steal from? Yep, me, I work a full time job as a maintenance man for an apartment complex that also requires random u a tests so I stay on the straight and narrow! I have to keep my medication at work and what I do bring home have to carry on my person at all times ....yes, even sleeping!!  You'll never know the endless times I've gone without because I screwed up and left my meds in sight!  I hope and pray you win you battle for your kid, the state of Arizona removed my youngest from my home and returned her to her fresh out of rehab, Meth addict, pain pill addicted, cheating, homeless

[maintmanjess]

Hey brother,  I feel your pain and live it on a daily basis myself! Worse part is that this my second failing marriage to this crap and get this....I'm in a ridged pain management program for severe disc and nerve pain issues!!!  So guess who they stole/steal from? Yep, me, I work a full time job as a maintenance man for an apartment complex that also requires random u a tests so I stay on the straight and narrow! I have to keep my medication at work and what I do bring home have to carry on my person at all times ....yes, even sleeping!!  You'll never know the endless times I've gone without because I screwed up and left my meds in sight!  I hope and pray you win you battle for your kid, the state of Arizona removed my youngest from my home and returned her to her fresh out of rehab, Meth addict, pain pill addicted, cheating, lying, homeless mother!!!! She is now 8 and I haven't seen her since she was 3!! Be the first to make the move towards divorce it'll favor you, that's where I went wrong!! I actually thought my ex would see all I did for us and our family and come back begging to make things different!! Don't get me wrong my friend I'm not saying destroy this woman, you did love at one points, but don't haste in your decisions.

[Carla1021]

Miracles in Progress online Support Groups, AA,NA,ALANON,NARANON online chat rooms and meetings through out the day!!! I've been a memeber there for the last 11 years. http://www.12stepforums.net/

[lmd53]

I am the spouse of an addict. My husband is addicted to prescription pain pills. I'm am wondering if there will ever be an end in sight or if this is going to be an on again off again battle. Do addicts ever get clean and stay clean?

[Lostangeleyes]

I need help dealing with my husbands addiction. we just found out we're ten & half weeks pregnant. and my husband has gone bingeing on crack again what do I do I'm so confused. he just got out of jail from seven and a half months and hasn't even been out for 3 months yet. and he's already gone back.

[Lostangeleyes]

I need help dealing with my husbands addiction. we just found out we're ten & half weeks pregnant. and my husband has gone bingeing on crack again what do I do I'm so confused. he just got out of jail from seven and a half months and hasn't even been out for 3 months yet. and he's already gone back.

[hmg15]

This has been a serious roller coaster.  My boyfriend lied and lied to me about being on drugs.  Basically told me it was his past and was 3 years out of rehab.  I have known him my whole life and thought wow thats great he is doing so well.  He lied the whole time he was still using Roxy.  His parents tried to get me to see it but i just wanted to beleive him because i loved him so much.  Finally he agreed to go into a program which the family was so happy about because they were never able to get him into a program and i finally did.  He started the program end of feb and was doing so well but we realized he relapsed about 2 weeks ago.  I tried and tried to get it out of him finally admited to me that he did.  Everytime i am upset or dont trust him and try to talk to him he tells me i am going to push him to do more drugs.  I dont know how to speak to him with out getting him upset.  I just have so many questions and just want someone to relate to.  I have tried alanon but could not relate to anyone in that specific meeting. Am going to try more. Does anyone know other programs i can go to or online support groups.  I love him so much and he is really trying but i need to help myself or this will never work.  Just dont know what to do always have such bad anxiety and breaking  down because i need help dealing with this but how?