Time for divorce?

I could really use some help. My husband is stealing my mom's pain meds out of the locked cabinet I thought I only had a key too. Although hubby would like for me to believe its my cousin who is living with us, I put some tylenol in an empty bottle of vike's right before hubby got home, (While my cousin was downstairs sleeping) and a half hour after hubby got home, I found 4 were already gone. The day before, 4 vikes were missing. I thought putting them in a locked box would stop the stealing and lying but it hasn't and I'm ready to file for divorce. I can't take this anymore. Last month I caught him in one of the bottles in my purse so I started using the locked box and now what? Please know we have tried everything. Counseling, separation, ect. I can't live like this anymore.

[Nighthawk61]

It sounds like your husband has to find a program to help him. First he has to admit he has a problem. It's hard for a person to quit a drug that their spouse is taking. Do you have pain problems, yourself? Was your husband on a legitimate script for pain meds ever? Does he have legitimate pain issues? When you say "counseling" do you mean marriage counseling or addictions therapy? With the separation, what happened that made you feel that you should reconcile? Was it too early to have reconciled? Did you have any expectations for him, like an addictions program (NA) or his own addictions therapist? It would really help if you could fill in the blanks for us, in order to help you. I'm sorry that you're feeling so frustrated. It's a stage, things will get better, one way or the other, so have faith.

[Nighthawk61]

I noticed on your journal that you're a recovering addict yourself, though you are on meds that you're locking up? Are you on a taper from something yourself? Do you both have addiction issues then?

[opiateswon]

I have degenerative disc disease but I only take tramodol twice a day. The pills are my mom's as I am her caregiver. We have had this problem on and off for 9 years of hubby stealing scripts and making me feel crazy for accusing him. Hubby does have a herniated disc in his lower back but has had 3 injections and seems to be good on his tramodol alone. Over the last month, many pills have gone missing and I even caught him looking through my purse with one of the bottles no longer having a lid on it. I confronted him and he said he didnt take any of the vikoden. We never did do counseling anytime over the past few separations and I did take him back based on his promises. Once he ever signed the divorce papers to finalize them but I ended up not filing because I really wanted to believe things would change. Every separation only lasts a week really and I am not in love with who he has become. I do love him, but I can't do this anymore. All of this makes me want to drink, my true drug of choice but I'm trying to keep a level head. He stole 4 monday and 6 yesterday and God only knows what he was able to get before I figured out he was stealing them.

[opiateswon]

Im really torn in half! I love him and want to spend the rest of my life growing old with him, but his actions have destroyed my trust in him and I don't know what to do. His parents told me everyone has a vice and I have to live with it if I really love him. If he really loved me, wouldn't he stop this?

[DiamondDee]

Yes, I'm sure he does love you. But he is too consumed into his addiction that he is powerless to its effect. He will need you when he is ready to take his big step. He is lucky to have you and I hope he realizes that. My gf has become so consumed into her addiction that I had to leave. So now she is starting to realize what she could lose and is going to get herself into detox. It does take time...sometimes a lot of time.

[opiateswon]

Thank you Diamond Dee! He'll be home soon and we get our tax return friday and I think I'm going to take it and move out. If I want the house for me and the kids, he will come up with a thousand reasons to come over and I don't know how strong I will be when things get lonely around here. 9 years is such a long time to just walk away even if I know in my heart it's the right choice right now. It's funny that I can ignore my own addiction and handle taking care of my moms needs but I can't help him anymore.

[DiamondDee]

That is the best thing you can do. And yes it will be hard as hell and you will get lonely. I just hope he gets the message and straighten himself out. Just stay strong! We are here for you!

[opiateswon]

Our tax return is going into his checking and honestly, I'm a little screwed financially without his income. I know its not right but he claimed me and the kids so I want half and will go to his atm tomorrow to take it out and file. I filled out the papers online so I hope to just print them, sign, and serve in the same day I file. I'm sticking to one minute at a time right now. I'm done fighting with him and just want out.

[DiamondDee]

I sure hope it works out for you! You will feel better and relieved to some extent after a little while.

[opiateswon]

I caved. When he got home I told him I needed to speak with him and we went to our room. I told him I knew he was stealing the pills but that he had been stealing something other than what he was looking for. At first he tried to deny it and then said he had done it and how he was getting into it. He is willing to wean off of them over the weekend ad has asked that I give him this chance to prove himself to me. He knows I don't trust him and I will file for divorce if he fails to follow through in anyway. I know I don't owe him anything.

[italiangirl883]

I blocked my bf yesterday.  I haven't seen him in a month, it's killing me, but they make broken promise after lie after broken promise.  I hope you have the strength to walk.  He cannot call me or text me.  I'm dying inside, but I can heal.  If I stayed it would have killed me.

[DiamondDee]

Opiateswon, that's ok if you caved in. At least he was honest enough to come clean. Now the ball is in his court. Its a very hard addiction to quit. Wd's are severe. He is going to need a lot of support.

Italiangirl,you likely did the right thing. I been trying to do that for a year and a half now. The lies and deceiptfulness drives me crazy! However a crazy little thing called love and the fact that she actually treats me like gold allows her to remain in my life...a viscious sircle I should have left ages ago!! BE STRONG!!

[dominosarah]

You have spent way to much time living in his addiction.  It is time for you to take care of you and your addiction(recovery).  He may put the pills down but that is only the beginning.  His back is against the wall right now.  Trust takes a long time to get back.  Time for you to take care of you.  Hopefully he will choose to take care of himself.  Actions speak louder than words at this point.

[opiateswon]

Thank you for understanding that I need to give him this last shot at our marriage. I'm hurt and scared but I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I have to have Faith in God that we will be ok. If he chooses not to follow through then I already have the papers filled out and can follow through with moving on with my own life.

[opiateswon]

Thank you for your encouragement. I am taking care of my recovery by returning here and to church. I have given this issue to God and I will move forward without Dave if I am certain I cant move forward anymore with him.

[DiamondDee]

Amen to that. And I'll be around as most are here to lend a ear to, afterall, we're all in this together! :)

[clean_in_ks]

Just a thought or two.....w/the threat of divorce being your hubby's motive, unless he does more than wean down over the weekend....addiction most likely will rear it's ugly head.  (no "staying power" if ya know what I mean)

At two different points in my marriage (7 yrs apart), my hubby and I have separated....lived apart.....we set ground rules for the separation....worked on ourselves....put our marriage in God's hands.  I NEVER mentioned the divorce word, but definitely knew by living in the same house repeating our sick behaviors over and over wasn't going to change a thing. I wasn't sure at the time if we "would" get divorced, didn't want the expense of a legal separation, so just separated w/o legal counsel.
I went to Al-anon and worked on ME.  He worked on HIM.  I'm also a recovering addict, so I usually hit an AA OR Al-Anon meeting every day of the week while we were separated.  It helped me A LOT.  Because I initiated the separation, it was agreed he would not call me, come over, or make contact.  "I" would initiate contact when I was comfortable doing so.  We also agreed to couples counseling; we agreed not to "be involved" with other members of the opposite sex.  By focusing on our individual lives and our own issues, we both healed in such a way we never did divorce.

If your hubby is only quitting so you won't leave or divorce him, chances are the cycle of addiction will continue and wear you out.  On the other hand, if you draw new boundaries, take care of YOU and your kids, your mom and go on living your life without him, his choices may radically change.  But then he would realize he needs to address his addiction for totally diff reasons.  
When my hubby and I separated, our daily lives had gotten so sick and crazy that I wasn't sure IF I still loved him.....and I KNEW I didn't LIKE him LOL......Just some thoughts for you......being an addict yourself....you know the "con's" we can be.  Don't get pulled in....codependency among addicts is VERY common.  I need BOTH programs to live my life happier and healthier.  Best to you~

[ActingBrandNew]

Wow...I'm scared for you...I don't like what I'm reading....at all!

"All of this makes me want to drink, my true drug of choice but I'm trying to keep a level head"

I think Dominoesarah and clean_n_ks gave you some very good and sound advice. Look, you cant hold his sobriety hostage with the threat of a divorce...its not gonna work...its just not. From what it sounds like...it didnt work before...and its not gonna work now. YOU need to look after YOU....and your not doing it. Your putting your own recovery in danger...this is a bad situation.

You can tell me I don't know your hubby or this situation is different...and that might be true....but know my response isn't to judge you or your situation but rather give you some perspective from different eyes. Ive been in your situation...but on the other side. I was the husband who used behind your back...and when you caught me...I lied and said it would be the last...I was also in a 9 year marriage....needless to say...my now ex-wife decided to take care of her...which I completely understand now. She was afraid to be alone...the finances...etc. But you know what...its been 3 years since my divorce....and guess what? Ive been clean 3 years....and my ex-wife is fine...Im not saying you have to divorce your husband....but like Clean-N-KS said....you both have to take care of yourselves...which your not....your not using but your being a part of HIS addiction...this is bad. Part ways for more than a week....let the dust settle...see where your at.

Look, Im not ashamed to say this...but when my ex wife filed for divorce...I didnt think shed do it because of all the threats of it in the past...but after the first court date I knew it was real...I didnt get clean because she divorced me...but it played a big part in me hitting my bottom...your keeping your husband from his...

Good luck

[Nighthawk61]

You've mentioned that your an addict in sobriety yourself, but apparently have no aftercare for yourself, or are suggesting it for your husband. I find it odd, sort of going from 0 to 120mph by stating if it doesn't change, it's time for a divorce, and I'm somewhat confused by that. It's obvious that in addiction there are certain things that must be done, to help us keep our sobriety, but you haven't spoken of them, at all. It seems that you are sabotaging your marriage by not giving the tried and tested a shot, loving intervention, addictions counseling, rehab, inpatient, outpatient, NA AA , spiritual work marriage counseling, etc. a shot? I see here only anger and threats (consequences) and caving, without any real work being put in , by either party to keep or gain, sobriety. What's going on with that?  

[opiateswon]

We are now separated and I'm focusing on the kids, my mom, and myself. We have gone round and round with the addictions for YEARS and I am angry now. I feel betrayed, cheated, and used and I just want my sanity back. I'm finally going to church again and honestly, that's what stops me from drinking. My kids and my faith, they are what matters and what I need right now. I used to go to NA and AA meetings and I've been to a few Al anon as well. I guess I'm not a "meeting" person anymore. I do have alot of family here that go frequently so I've gone with them too. The one thing my life has been missing is God and I'm grateful my family wants to go with me.