It is my brothers problem. I am looking back at our less then desirable childhood and know we all have suffered through my parents lack of Intergrity, Ethics, and Morals. My oldest brother is God knows where a drug junkie who fell out of sight years ago. My father is an alcoholic who is happy being just that, my mother after years of mismanagemant of her diabetes and over medicating for any reason, is now with Alzhimer's. I feel likemy brother is taking the last of my family away from me. I can't talk to him because he won't contact me. He thinks he is justified in his choices of leaving his life behind him. Claims he doesn't have a problem. I am stable, have loving family, a good job, a very pleasant life. I struggle with my own internal demons. I suffer from anxiety and the memories of childhood incest at the hands of my oldest brother and possibly my father. I see a doctor to keep myself in control and am with people who support my well being. Why do I feel such a lost. Two days ago I was just mad at him. Is this grief?
Hi Wynnette, i dont think its grief, but reflecting back and saying why me. You feel lost because you dont have answers. Nothing wrong with this but answers to these questions are buried and behind you and as the good book says, "let the dead bury the dead". Your parents chose what they have as well as your brother. All you can do is pray for them and move on with your life. Let this be a tool for you to grow in your relationship with your dear family
You love your family and i think thats more than enough considering what you went through.
This is more about his mental illness than his addiction. Neither one helps each other, but it is his untreated mental illness that played the bigger part in the end of our marriage. He spent so much time trying to be someone he's not or someone he thought I wanted him to be and from the very beginning of our 12 year relationship that he doesn't even know who I am or that I never expected those things from him. He doesn't even know who he is still. After our talk I realized that he may be in recovery for his addiction now but it won't stick if he doesn't get help for the mental illness. He says he will but we just have to wait and see. He doesn't even want to try and fix our marriage because he has already pre determined that he will continue the bad behaviors and doesn't want to pre determine a different future like the one I layed out for him. There is a family, joy, lots of good memories in my future for us but he's just not happy with me and he's the one who created the unhappiness. He prejudged and predetermined every aspect of our life so it never mattered what I said to him cuz he already felt what he wanted to feel so he had justification for being unhappy and then leaving. He was confused about the timeline of our marriage, when to have kids, and after I explained it he got very defensive because he knows he's wrong but can't admit it now. So not only am I not getting a second chance, I never got a first one. This was always going to end because I never had a chance to begin with. He never knew me at all. He made everything up in his head, even me. So I feel just as lost as you, but at least you have your husband and children. All he left me with is two wonderful dogs and a half remodeled house. So enjoy the sleepovers, cuz some of us might never get them at all. I'm alone now, while he moved on to another woman the day he moved out. Ouch!! All we can do is pray for him and hope he gets the help he truly needs. Love you
And along with the dogs and half remodeled house, he also left me with a lot of confusion, shattered self esteem, diminished self confidence, and now trust issues. Too many pieces to pick up, I won't get them all back. Funny thing I still love him, always will.
You probably won't stop loving him, because you know it is because he is sick. I still love him as well he is my big brother, I am supposed to look to him. Right now, I feel a lot of things but mainly let down and sorry that he is so lost in his own head. I had a talk with my oldest child about this all and she is a little sad that she won't even get the chance to know her uncle. He has taken that away from her.
It is rief. You are mourning the loss of your family. I think it is hard to face the facts that we (the unlucky) will never have the experience of a warm, close and loving family dynamics and the refusal from your brother is a bold reminder of this to you. My brother lives 10 minutes from me and we have not spoken in two years. He chooses to be very judgemental and so I stay away. But it hurts and Ive grieved over the loss and had to except the fact that i cannot control how he feels and just because I have a family that is so messed up does not keep me from picking out others and making them my family that feels that need I cant get from my own. I am sorry your brother feels this way, maybe one day he will chane his view, but until then bring the people close to you even if they are not related and make them your family.
Your brother is a addict and the only thing you can do is pray for him. But grieving for a person who is alive just not part of your life is a neccessary process, just like a divorce..you lost your brother when he chose drugs and alcohol. I know this feeling of being lost. But you need to process this and go through the emotions to get over it and except things for what they are.
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