Wife living with addict Husband. Opiate addiction.
I have been married to my husband since I was 18. I am currently 31. We have 3 kids. And up until about 5 years ago things seemed normal. I had our third child and a month later found out that my husband was addicted to methadone. We went through a week worth of withdrawals with him. He went on an on about how glad he wad that he got through withdrawals. How excited he was to be clean and how that week long agony showed him NEVER to use again. So here we are almost 5 years later and I find out he's now addicted to opiates. It all started when I noticed my addipex missing. And every month it was," Oh I'm sorry never again! Month after month I'd hide them an again they'd be gone. Just this last week I found out and he finally admitted that he had been taking up to if not more 5 lortab a day plus adderall and addipex on top of that daily! I've been so lost for the last few years. He sleeps all weekend and when he gets up he constantly nods off! He has anger rages that were so scary. The times I thought he was fling something and would these people out that he brought around. He'd blow up and make me feel 2 inches tall. Telling me how I am judgmental and hateful to people. Got to a point that I believed that I was in the wrong. I have felt so un-loved and detached,it's sad. He has lied to cover a lie to cover another. He has turned in to someone I don't know. He is supposed to start seeing a doctor this week to start treatment.
I've been reading and researching all the addict info I can. I know that it all says that the lying and not stopping the drugs can't be helped. That they have to use to feel better and they want to stop they just can't. I guess what I can't wrap my mind around is the fact that he had 2 small kids at home and a wife. And still decided to get HiGH! I know that now he is addicted an can't help but you to feel normal.
In my mind though ( non- addict mind) all I can say is YOU chose to start all this and so it to yourself! As hateful as it sounds. We all have choices.
These are just my feelings at the moment! In no way are they to offend NO one!
I'm just wondering am I the only one feeling this way? Is this normal behavior for an addict?
I know I need to help him and try an be supportive! Sometimes it's hard too when you've been hurt yourself! Sometimes I feel like the partner is passed up on emotions. When I'm as sad an lonely as ever. I cry daily! I'm mad daily!
Any responses will help! Just need a little advice. Thanks!
You just wrote exactly what goes through my mind every time my husband leaves for a 3-4 day binge! I am so sorry, first, that you have to go through this, but you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Having little ones makes it even harder to deal with than when you have only you to worry about.
I have been with my husband for almost 18yrs now. He has not been a habitual user since before we were married, but he will leave out of the blue, for 3-4 days at a time. When we were first together, the first time he did it, I had no idea why. Of course, I was naiive and believed whatever lie he had told me at the time. Before we got married, he had done it about 3x. I postponed the wedding because of it, and told him if he didn't get help to stop that the wedding was off alltogether. He had gone 4 1/2 yrs before he did it again, we had lost twin boys and he couldn't handle the pain of that.
He went 8 yrs before another relapse, and that was 2 yrs ago. About 2 weeks ago he had another relapse and was gone for about 3 days. Now, we have an 7 yr old daughter and a 14 yr old son, which makes this so much more difficult to deal with. He has gone through many programs, NA meetings, counseling, and had gone through Teen Challenge before he met me. I have a very hard time dealing with the same thoughts that you are having. I am very angry at times, and very depressed and sad other times. I wonder the same thing...Why does he choose to do this when he has so much to lose? How can he love us, and still "choose" to do this horrible thing to our family?
For all the times that we've gone through this, one thing I always do, is make it his problem. I have never sought help for myself until now. I went to a Celebrate Recovery meeting, I'm also going to al-anon, and I read a book that was very insightful..."Why Don't They Just Quit" by Joe Herzanek. We are also seeing a counselor together. The counselor that we are seeing seems to be very knowledgeable about addiction, and he describes it as a seperate entity from the person who has the addiction. He call it insidious, and says that it can wait until your vulnerable to seep into your consiousness, and feed you lies to get you to use again. I never thought of it as something seperate from the person that I love every day, and maybe that's why it is so hard for me to understand.
Your also, right, in the fact that the first time, it is a choice. That's a hard one for me to reconcile in my mind too. Every day is hard to deal with every emotion that you go through, but I hope that you can find what helps you and your husband get through this, and I hope I helped a little. (((HUGS)))
You did thank you! I know it's hard to understand never being an addict!
But like I said that first time could of been refused and we wouldn't be here. But I can't understand that either. All I can say for him is he has never lost a job or not worked. He has always worked. And always paid the bills. I think my main fear is him going and the possibility of a relapse! I can't do all this again. I've been damaged way to much. I don't know if after treatment he'll realize what he has really done to us? He says now,how he knows how much pain he's caused and he hates himself for it. That there was days he had been without and got depressed and wanted to kill himself cause all he could think about was the pain he'd put us through. I've raised our kids for the 5-6 years by myself. His weekends are mainly spent asleep. And God forbid if he says he'll do something and you wake him up. Then he ruins the whole day by yelling and screaming and just flat being hateful. Then you regret evening getting him up.
I've always keep all his secrets. I didn't want to embarrass him or make any one think any less of him. Cause people that know him would never believe he was an addict. At least not our friends. Apparently several have known and never said a word. Co-workers an a couple of his friends.
But the other day when it all came to a head. I told him I would no longer keep his secrets. That I felt like I was ENABLING him by doing so. Cause he was privately sling all this even after all the promises and I won't no more..
So I called his mom. And told her everything. And she was so floored cause she thought he was the best husband,father,son an family man there was. Never in a million years did she think her youngest was a addict. Now, he was extremely mad at me and very upset I had ruined what his mom thought of him. Now he's ok with it. Cause she has been as to talk to him and pray with him. And he's glad they call him daily to check on him. Something they stopped a long time ago.
I guess addicts have their pain an agony!
And spouses and family have their own pain an agony!
It's a vicious DEVIL that rides their back, eating at their soul an robbing them of life! Once he gets on, he doesn't want to get off!
Hello SothernLady.. Welcome to the forum.. My name is Lesa and I'm a addict in recovery.. I wanted to give you a lil support in that you did the right thing by Not keeping his secrets any longer.. Thru Love our loved ones enable us to continue with our addiction.. thru love and care we are able to hide from the world what truly awful people we have become... You help us too hide and thru you we do not have to face the consequence of our actions.. It is Not your fault he is a addict it is his... we are sick and our family gets sick with us.. I would suggest you look up Al Anon it is a support group made up of family members of addicts. You would benefit greatly from there experiences and support.. Because addiction does have such a stigma attached to it for the behaviors the addict displays while active, is the reason it is so shameful... It is a Disease that can be arrested but it is life long and recovery needs to be kept current at all times.. Your husband has to really want this for himself.. He has to explore the very reason Why he picked up in the first place.. The 1 question you have is one He has to figure out.. You will need to learn thru AL Anon consequences for his actions and you will have to be able to stick with them.. without consequences there is no incentive.. love is not enough to fight a disease... I'm Proud of you for calling his Mom and it must have been such a burden off your mind.. I hope you stay look around educate yourself on addiction.. Learn to protect yourself while supporting his recovery... I wish your Husband well on his journey to getting clean.. It is rough, he is lucky he has a loving wife in his corner.. lesa
You need to first and foremost protect yourself, your finances and you possessions and remove yourself and your dependants if you believe you are unsafe.
Do not believe it is your job to fix the addict, only they can do that.
Do not believe your thoughts or your addicts accusations that you caused or aggrivate the problem.
Do trust your gut instincts. And know your eyes will tell you more than your ears. Loving an addict isn't easy. And it's not something any of us ever think we will have to go through.
DO NOT enable an addict, never lye for them, never give them money for any reason. No matter what story they tell you, say NO!
Know that recovery is possible. YOUR recovery is posssible. Focus on that first and foremost. And if your addict joins you too, even better!
Thanks for all the advice and encouragement..
He is currently in his 3rd week of treatment. He is going weekly to a treatment center. He is taking suboxone.. At first I was not happy with him taking something else. I know this treatment is not for everyone. It's helping us at this time. I love the doctor he is seeing. Also his support team. They are a mix of recovering addicts & spouses. Talking with them has helped me so much in understanding this. As for now I have my husband back. And I love that. I will still keep my guard up though. And the consequences have been laid out. If he uses or stops treatment. Me an our kids are moving out. I will not stay if he doesn't do right. I won't continue to enable him.
I'm doing better also. I know though this will be a daily road.
Thanks., prayers an hugs...
Ok,I have a question.Ive been married for 26 years and my husband was injured on the job in 06.We have had 4 surgeons(maybe 5,Ive lost count)refuse to touch his back because of the severity of the injury.Therefore he has become addicted to opiates.Strong opiates.So what do I do when I see my husband,whom I love dearly,just deteriorate right in front of me?He has become so detached from life that is saddens me,ergo,I become so depressed.We have zero life.It revolves around once a month doc visits.I do the majority of everything.Scratch that,I do everything and I am becoming quite bitter.I know its for better or worse but Im wearing down,fast.
I know how you feel completely. I was so depressed. I've gained weight. I did everything. Really wasn't much I didn't do.
Once my husband couldn't get his opiates from one guy he panicked and started doctor fishing. It got really bad around here. Cause he had less an less. He'd fly off the handle. It was really scary.
It all finally came out. And HE asked for help. I keep being told that they have to want HELP. He's not gonna get better unless he wants too. My husband had severe migraines. His drug addiction made them worse. Since he's been in treatment he hasn't had one. His doctor explained all the things that go on with his body during opiate addiction. His headaches were worse on the days he'd have none/or little pills. He'd be in withdrawals.
I know how you feel.. I was so burnt out. Stressed to the max. Cried daily.
Difference in us is... My husband hid his addiction and started to make me feel like he hated us...
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It's not an easy situation.
Have you said anything to him? I'm sure you've expressed it..
And if you read on here and see what people say.. You will have to hold him accountable for his actions. If you set guidelines & consequences! You will have to follow them.
My husbands doctor told me. That if I tell him I'm leaving him if he doesn't get better? Then he doesn't get better! I have to leave. I'm just enabling him by staying an allowing him to lie to me an continue.
I know he had a legitimate reason to have taken something in the first place. Now he has a problem. It's a nasty disease. And it takes them away from life. They slowly withdrawal from life. They become a shell of what they were.
I know how much you must love him. If he doesn't want to get better he won't. And he'll be a sinking ship taking you with him. As bad as that sounds. I'm sorry to say it that way. Its true though. Your gonna have to confront him. And either he wants help or he doesn't. As you stay and help him-> running him to doctor,doing everything,& staying through it. Your enabling him.... Some of the recovering addicts on here will flat tell you.. They hurt the ones closet to them. Cause we love them. So we enable them... Our love enables them.
Have you looked in to any treatment for him?
I hope some of this helps you.
Take care of yourself.
I am going through a similar thing! Except my husband is prescribed oxycontin and he abuses them and then runs out!! He is anti social! I don't feel connected to him anymore! He says he is in pain but, I just found out he is shooting them up! I can't get him to stop. It is putting a financial and emotional strain on our marriage! He keeps promising he will not run out and then he still does! He promises he will not inject anymore, but he does! I don't know what to do! I want my life back!
So sorry to hear this. It's such a horrible disease! It's truly evil! They always promise to do different! It took him wanting help to actually ask for it. He's been in treatment since April! It's amazing how I have my husband back! Then I have days where I worry it will come to an abrupt end cause he will always be an addict! I had to throw him out for him to realize what was at stake an what would happen! We love them an they know that so they abuse that love! We enable them to continue to use! They always hurt the ones they love the most. As sad as that sounds. You are gonna have to take care of you! An either put him out or leave! Either he'll ask for help or he won't! Mine had to realize I was not playing anymore to finally ask for help! He says," he wanted Help!" But that he knew how angry I'd be about it all! He says he'd try to stop but he couldn't function or not be sick. He'd go a day an feel like he was dying! I've learned a lot from all this! I now know that he had to want help, he couldn't get better just cause I wanted him too! I hope some of this helps you? An I apologize for just now seeing this! I have not been on in a while! God Bless~
You are not the only one. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. I recently found out he is addicted to pain killers. I noticed a change in him for the last couple years. It came and went so i could never pin point it. I knew he took antidepressants and had a sleeping disorder so he took sleeping pills but this was different. Of course I approached him, he would call me insane, lash out, accuse me of reliving my past (my ex was a crack addict) and I would intern feel lost. Then finally people started asking me about him. His boss even asked me if all was well at home. That is when I knew I was not crazy. I also found random pills at home, when that happened he did admit to it and begged for forgivness and said it was a one time thing. We have a 15 month old together and I have 3 teenager from my previous marriage. I am 33 and my husband is 29. I believe he is simply still being immature and am so mad. He knew my past, knew the crap I had been through with my abusive ex husband and is doing the exact with choosing to take drugs. I'm not stupid, I know addiction is a sickness but I also know you have a choice as to what your actions are. You choose to put that pill in your body and lie to your wife. I am so mad at him I can't even look at him anymore. He has put some effort, we have gone to a therapist, he has admitted to a sabaxone program, but I still do not trust him. He takes other pills from his psychologist and I believe he is abusing those. He claims he needs those due to anxiety and panic attacks. He never has them. My husband is a smart man, he does research all the time. I think he has found a way to ask for drugs to be prescribed to him now. I'm lost, don't know what to do. So no, you are not the only one :(
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