boyfriend relapsed on heroin after over 3 yrs sobriety...help me!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 yrs now and are both recovering addicts (from heroin and painkillers ect). We met while in recovery and have had a child since...he also helps in raising my 5 yr old child whom is not biologically his. The last few months I have noticed a few things that made me suspicious...like him coming home late after work, not showing me as much affection, money being low and falling behind on bills. Initially, I thought he was cheating...until 3 days ago..I was in bed, and got up to use the restroom and caught him red handed smoking heroin. He is still in a methadone treatment center, and had recently started a self detox off of it but when the withdrawls from the methadone really kicked in he stopped the detox. His excuse for relapsing on heroin??? His dose of methadone is not high enough yet and he was getting sick. Apparently this relapse has been over the course of the last 3ish months. When I discovered him in the act, I told him he was out of the house. Needless to say he is still here...on my behalf. I know by doing this I have not followed through with consequences but I feel as though I need to help him through this. He says he is ashamed and feels though he has disappointed me and our kids. He suggested counseling and going to more meetings, "whatever I have to do so I don't lose you and the kids. You are all I have". My kids safety, well being and happiness is my first concern so I feel guilty for any choice I make. I guess the question "what do I do?" Will be hard to answer...but I still need some sort of feedback. Im well informed about Alanon and NA 12steps...
I'm sorry your husband relapsed, and am glad that you are familiar with Alanon. The only thing that you can do is to try to get your husband back on track. For the safety of the children, and the stigma attached to heroin use as view by Children's Services the safest stance to take would be for him to go to a Rehab. I know I had to attend a lot of meetings in the first year to give myself a foundation of sobriety. I now have 13+ years. My husband quit at the same time, but relapsed about 2 years in, so we found a 90 day rehab. We had kids, we had to choose the best resources available, after the rehab there was aftercare, and long term counseling with an Addictions Specialist. There was another shot at NA. There was a Psychiatric component, where my husband was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. Though we weren't together and he needed to leave the house for a while, we were still together, and supported one another. Because he did everything he could, he hasn't relapsed again. He remembers all too well all the work that takes place if one relapses.
Maybe helping him talk about his relapse on Medhelp would help. Find sources of support on the internet. Like the prayers below.
First Step Prayer
I admit that I am powerless over my addiction.
I admit that my life is unmanageable when I try to control it.
Help me this day to understand the true meaning of powerlessness.
Remove from me all denial of my addiction.
Today, I ask for help with my addiction.
Denial has kept me from seeing how
powerless I am & how my life is unmanageable.
I need to learn & remember that I have an incurable
illness & that abstinence is the only way to deal with it.
Has your husband used on line meetings? Here's the NA site.
There is a lot of anxiety that comes with relapse, my son uses Magnesium and COQ10 and has managed to control all of his anxiety issues, naturally. Some say that fish oil also works, although it did not for him, and that's when he tried, successfully, the mag/coq10.
While it would be wonderful if we could get clean from a 3month heroin relapse, NA it is not usually sufficient. You would need to talk to an Addiction's Specialist to hear what options are suggested for the specific DOC and amount of time taken your clean time. 3 months is substantial. Afer all, NA is a tool for aftercare from relapse. Relapse has always included Intensive Residential our Outpatient Therapy. You don't mention what town your in so no one can help you consider your particular rehab opportunities.
Chrisee, who has your husband been accountable to since his relapse? Did you discuss it with his doctor or whoever got him on methadone, please please do not enable him, you're sobriety is at risk with someone using in your house. You're kids have to be your first priority here....It is not good enough honey, for your kid's to live in a drug den, now is it? Please reach out for help, I can help, I've been through it , although, i did not opt for methadone when it was offered. Being clean and sober is SO much better than any high, you get from heroin, or methadone. Clean and sober is what happiness and pride is all about.
Please talk to me, talk to somebody......
Unfortunately with the methadone clinic he is in, I cannot talk to his counselor because of the privacy rules... she does however know of his relapse because of regular U.A.'s they get. He says that he is going to ask her for outside resources for couples/ recovery counseling at an affordable price. I don't know if it seems crazy, but I almost want to buy at home U.A's and give them to him randomly.... I know I shouldn't have to do that, but it almost seems like a reasonable thought until I know he is remaining sober. ???
I live in Canada and initiated a two year regimen of blood and urine testing every second day. I was working at the time and I made it work so that I could prove to my family that I was clean.
Your husband should not have a problem with you drug testing him if he is honestly clean and sober, so YES, of course, TEST!!! You have a family to protect, you're children must come first, and having an addict in the house in not acceptable behaviour. You are supporting his recovery if you demand to test him, you may be saving his life.
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