Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
give up or keep trying?
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give up or keep trying?

My bf & I have been together almost 10yrs. About 8 months ago I found he was doing meth on an almost regular basis. He says it was occasionally but I know it's not the type of drug to just be occasionally used. Ppl I thought were my best friends were doing it with him & only once I discovered the truth did they tell me what was going on, 2yrs after it started. He started doing this when I was pregnant with our daughter, so over 2 yrs he was lying by omission & hiding what he was doing cuz he was hanging with his pothead friends & it was all mixed it. I don really have a problem with "herbals" but with it all mixed in, I'm rethinking that. I never had a problem trusting him & now I don't believe anything he says. He continued to do meth for several months after I caught him the first time & kept catching him. I found several pipes & baggies of that ****. I've given him a total of 4 drug tests, all came back negative. For a little while he would try & be a family with me & our daughter I saw him put on weight and actually seemed like he wanted to fix us. But latey all he wants to do is hang out with those same ppl. He claims that they didn't know what he was doing but yet I know they do/did it too. I don't believe they didn't know. He stays up late, barely eats but will tell me he ran out and got fast food, there's $$ missing that he refuses to explain where it went & makes excuses almost all the time. He blames my anger with as his reason why he doesn't want to be around. But he's not around when I am. I work full time & in the winter he is laid off til spring so he plays daddy daycare but then he's "stuck" @ the house all day so when I get home he sticks around for a few & then takes off for hours. He'll tell me what he's doing but I don't really believe him b/c his plans always seem to change. He keeps his schedule open in case any of his buddies want to hang out but he won't ever make plans with me or if he does, he complains the whole time. In order to try & trust him I've asked him to show me proof of what does or how he spends his $. I don't think its too much to ask that he show me receipts of where he was or if he actually bought food. If he doesn't than how am I actually supposed to believe him? He doesn't seem to get that he has to earn my trust back. I feel like a fool for just sitting around a taking this. I dealt with a meth user 13 yrs ago, but he too hid it from me & I ended up miscarrying our son so the timing of all of this has really broken me down. I love him, but I feel like he's not trying & just wants to hang with buddies as if he were 16....we're 30. He seems to be emotionless and only wants me around when I'm ready to leave him. I feel ready but I don't want to throw away the last 10 yrs. If I leave I will be 40 minutes away & don't feel comfortable leaving my daughter with him for fear he will do drugs around her or while he has her. Can someone please give me some advice?!?! I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I didn't cause this but yet its always my fault.
2 Comments Post a Comment
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi and welcome. First i would not put the past 10 years into the equation as you have what you have. There doesnt seem to be any structure to your relationship with him, like why are you married to him by now? Whats the basis of your relationship, just to have someone around?
When 2 people are in love they form a bond and plan a life. They strive to build a future, like buying a house, planning to have children or not, sharing the daily burdens, being there for eachother and trying to expand their financial future, like getting a better job and being part of society.
I think many times people start using drugs as an escape and excuse for not bettering themself. Its much easier to use drugs than to seek a better employment position and move up in society.

What i see is a habit lifestyle has developed between you both and unless you take charge and break this cycle of behavior between the both of  you, this situation will only get worse.
You seem very responsible and he is acting the little boy with you as if you have a mother son  senerio. He does something and you catch him and he says mommy i will be good and you catch him again.

I would have a very long sit down talk with him and if he cannot make the change to being an active member of this world, i would move on. We only have so much time in our lives and maybe you just wasted the last 10 years for nothing.
Good luck and i know you will be ok but im not sure about him.
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1551327_tn?1408490773
Hi and welcome to the forum.  I understand what you are going through because I watched my wife die a little inside while I was struggling with the addiction.  She did similar things that you are doing now like trying to check my money and looking for the behaviors that I displayed when I was using.  It is harder on him then it is on you but that is not something you will likely believe right now.  That is why he cries when you talk about leaving him. It stems from fear.  Fear of what the addiction will do to him after you leave.  Fear of losing the only thing he has left, he lost his sanity and control a long time ago.  I won't advise whether or not to leave him but I will leave you this.  Nothing changes until the fear of change is less then the pain of staying the same.

Larry
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