Something I have been thinking alot about is how i am never going to get close to another person again, and i have even found myself at peace with keeping ALL people out of my heart from now on. Its just my entire life has ONLY consisted of unhealthy relationships with other addicts. I see my part in all of it, my codependency was just as destructive, if not worse, then the alcoholics & addicts. Not that i even have the energy to date or try to form new friendships right now, but its just gone. Totally. Like i really dont care anymore. Is this normal? Today I heard that my mom was bad talking me because a while back I had sent my brother (herion addict) a few emails, (since he is impossible to hold a conversation with anymore) telling him how much i love and am afraid for him and tried to pass on some encouragement. He was unresponsive to all of it but I guess made fun of me to my mom. My mom talks alot about me behind my back and for the life of me i dont know why.
And it has been a couple of weeks since i have heard from the ex who i kicked out, which is good, but it just reminds me that i was only worth something to him because i provided him a place to crash and free car rides. Everyone i have ever truly loved, & (enabled) has broken my heart. I am mad at myself that i have wasted so much of my life over these few people. And if this is what relationships are about, i would rather just deal with animals and strangers online.
Ok, i just needed to vent and i know my post doesnt make any sense. lol
hun, its ok that right now you dont have anyone who is emotionally close to you. getting close to someone does require trust on our parts. when we are hurt over and over again it is hard to put ourselves out there because we are afraid to be hurt again. understandable.you will love again.
it is ok to have casual relationships right now, even if it is with us online. many times those that dont have much chance or opportunity to hurt us are the ones we can be more open with. thats why this forum is good. we cant get to close to each other.we are, but we arent.
give it some time. you are still young at 33. you are taking care of you now, building your strength, discovering the new you, your emotions are still healing, you have been through alot the last few months. dont be so hard on yourself.
Dear Akitagurl, what you are feeling is normal. You have made such an incredible turnaround in your life. You're right , stopping enabling is just as hard as is the addicted learning to live without a drug. But, the addict is not supposed to feel excessive guilt about being an addict, and you are not supposed to feel excessive guilt about being an enabler. The 12 step program is there, so that you can find reprieve from unnecessary guilt. Guilt, is a useless emotion. Take my situation, both my husband and myself are recovering addicts. We've been clean for 13 years now! We've never looked back. Sure, I occasionally find myself feeling a little bit guilty, but when I do, I am simply feeling sorry for myself, and my program does not allow for me to do that very long or very often. Today, I am a useful member of my family and of society. There's to many good things to keep me busy daily, than to go backwards. And that is the same as yourself. God would want you to forgive yourself for enabling. I just know this. You are one of God's children. He loves you. He is not judging you, why are you judging yourself. There is only forgiveness and love at the end of all this. Please have faith from my post, that there are some addicts that turn it around for themselves. That was your wish when dealing with your brother, and your boyfriend and any other addict you have been around. And you are right to have these expectations. Are you involved with Al Anon? Perhaps you should go to a meeting and try to figure this out for yourself. You are not alone, please don't forget that. I'm so happy to hear that you reached out to your brother, you did exactly what you should have. A heroin addict needs love and encouragement. What they choose to do with that is their business. Even it he did, and you don't know for sure what he said, he still has received a very important message that he needed to hear. I take it your mom did not reach out with the same message of encouragement? Well, that's too bad, because that's what a responsible family member is supposed to be doing. I don't know why your mom would talk about you behind your back either. It sure doesn't help you though, going through all of this on your own. Another reason why Al Anon or Narc Anon can be of service to you. Please take care and be kind to yourself and for goodness sake, don't give up on a having a loving relationship in your life. Third was a charm for me. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find somebody that is able to commit properly to a relationship, straight up. You can do it. You deserve it. Hugs, Liz
Hi Akitagurl.. I agree with the others that you are early in Your recovery of enabling. It is ok to feel how you do right now this is your right, but you will not always feel this way, I once thought never will I have a relationship again never will I open to another person well I did and it has worked I have friends now that know I'm a addict that support me.. You will find this also you will find all the happiness that you deserve. we are not meant to go solo forever as we were not created that was.. My mom would speak to me behind my back also. I think my mom did it to make her feel better about herself. think about it. you are doing as a mother should speaking to your brother this way.. reaching out. she is going for her sons love even thou it can kill him. there must be a lot of guilt there when she is alone at night before sleep. your words must ring with truth to her. do not be to harsh in your thinking as you can not know what goes on in anther's mind, just trust you are doing right and those that speak about you behind your back are finding fault in your life for they can not face the fault in their own It is all a part of the sickness of addiction and a extreme form of enabling.. when you least expect it you will catch someones eye and from everything I have read he would be very lucky for you are very compassionate and giving.. Keep your chin up ok. lesa
When we learn to love ourselves we are then able to open our hearts to someone else. We dont settle just to settle. Be on your own for awhile, do the things you want to do and when you want to do them. You will feel love again and it will come when you least expect it!!
As for your mom....Once you realize you will never have the mom you want things will fall into place. There is nothing you can do to stop her or your brothers actions or comments. What you can do is not play into it. This takes time but when it happens it is a good feeling. You are a threat to them now~~Be good to yourself~
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