Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
more manipulations
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WELCOME TO THE ADDICTION: LIVING WITH AN ADDICT COMMUNITY. This patient support community is for family members and loved ones of people who are substance abuse addicts. Discussions cover how to help your loved one, enabling, coping with the emotional impact of addiction, intervention, and when to seek medical help. If you are not a family member of a substance abuse addict and instead need help with your addiction, please visit our Addiction: Substance Abuse Community to get the support you need.

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more manipulations

My wife's behavior has changed since I filed for divorce. She started coughing. Now she is hanging heavier, trying to make me take care of her. I understand psychosomatic illnesses, but I’m afraid she’ll arrange herself a fine cancer to force me to stop the divorce.

She is acting in a most infantile way. Baby talking to me, telling me she loves what I cooked for her because her mother used to make it. She uses that baby talk I hate. Yesterday she came home with pictures of two dogs she wants us to adopt. I said a long time ago that our dog may like company. Now she actively looks on line for dogs we should adopt. Next, she’ll bring home another dog for the wrong reasons and makes me fall in love with it.

Operation “look over there” should stop. No guns. No baby talk. No getting fake sick. No adopting a new dog. Nothing but taking care of her head will make me stop the divorce.

Should I tell her before she organizes herself a fine cancer and weighs me down even heavier?
17 Comments Post a Comment
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2030769_tn?1343651274
i think u should tell her.  It does sound like more manipulation to me.  In my opinion, it seems like she is playing on your loving & care-taking nature. Good for you for seeing it for what it truely is.  That is just another sign that you are healing:)  
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495284_tn?1333897642
You are going to have to stand your ground here.  Dont give away your power.  She cant make you feel anything you dont want too.  When she is coughing tell her to cover her mouth for gods sake!
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3065255_tn?1345766371
I will stick to curtesy and creativity. At least I know not to fall for such behaviors. If only I could always stay feeling as serene as I am now.
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495284_tn?1333897642
How long are you going to play this out Diva?
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3065255_tn?1345766371
As long as I can be sweet. HopefullyI can hold on until the divorce is final. By then she'd either be taking care of herself and be worth my love, or not. I don't want an ugly divorce. I can't handle ugly. I need to keep myself healthy and well. It is easier to get what you want when the smiles are wide. I've lived a lie for so long, I'll live it a little longer and secure my future. Sorry if I sound cold and calculating. I have to be, or we will both be sleeping in our cars. I have to be careful not to be bitter. Lines of bitterness make one ugly.
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3065255_tn?1345766371
Don’t forget that I really love her. It isn’t hard for me to act loving for the sake of the revolution.
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3065255_tn?1345766371
It is sad. I look at her and think, How long am I allowed to keep on loving you? When you find out you will hate me! It breaks my heart, so I keep smiling.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am NOT in any way trying to disrespect or be mean to anyone but i have been lurking for a number of months and I just want to say to the members that have been here for a while kudos to u because some people need to go to the substance abuse forum and read threw the posts so they can have a clear understanding to what a REAL addict is and how the forum living with an addict ties together. Living with a person with mental disorders or a person who is obssed with famous people is NOT what this forum
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Avatar_f_tn
Is about. We litterly watch the people we love kill themselves everyday with HARD CORE DRUGS and we live with the guilt because we cannot make them stop. So again i ask my fellow med help friends what is an addict and what would be the definition of living with an addict? Ohh and the have a forum for depression and other MENTAL ISSUES. I just feel like diva1957 is using this site as an advice site on her torn relationship and it just makes me upset after reading so much u have posted and then u give advice to others and u hav No clue what it is to live with an addict. Have u had to pull a needle out of her arm or dial 911 because she took to many pills or shoot up bad dope? I am in tears because prioe to reading this i read a post from another mother like myself and she cant find her crack addicted daughter and she is not sure if she is dead or in a crack house getting high. This is a true story off living with an addict.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
Hi monsonna, i understand the point that you are making. I too thought that way. There are four sites dedicated to addictions. One is for alcohol and drug abuse; one is for substance abuse, one is for any addiction, like gambling, pornography and one is for families of addicts, families of addicts who are addicted to gambling etc. I know that it is hard to wrap your head around. Believe me. I think that maybe it should be brought up to the leaders of this forum so that they can indicate that the addiction forum is for those addicted to behaviors like gambling etc. and that the families of addicted, are for families of people whose loved ones are addicted to pornography or gambling. I'll include the dictionary meaning of addict. I had to wrap my head around this. I finally came around and got to thinking, don't gamblers and families of gamblers deserve a forum too? I'm a junkie, so I get where your coming from. But, I have to finally admit, and apologize to poor Ms Diva. I'm sorry that it was hard for this junkie to think outside the box and realize that there is room for all addicts here. Diva's wife is addicted to a behavior that is causing her pain.  She understands that enabling is the same, no matter what the cause. I appreciate your post, But, I also have come to realize that there are four websites here, and there needs to be a place for all people to heal from enabling their spouses to their addictive behavior. It certainly could use a little bit of insight from the forum founders. I believe that they had in mind that Addict means the dictionary definition, which is as follows. God Bless You.

ad·dict  (-dkt)
tr.v. ad·dict·ed, ad·dict·ing, ad·dicts
1. To cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on a habit-forming substance: The thief was addicted to cocaine.
2. To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively: The child was addicted to video games.
n. (dkt)
1. One who is addicted, as to narcotics or a compulsive activity.
2. A devoted adherent; a fan: "We are all . . . addicts of change" (Christopher Lasch).
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3060903_tn?1398568723
That being said, there does need to be a place for families of addicts (hard core) to find solace as well. It seems to me that there needs to be a place for hard core addict families to discuss their pain and frustration, and I understand totally, believe me, what you are saying. It seems that there needs to be an adjustment so that all needs are met adequately. If you've read all the posts, you then know who I am right? I begged Diva to get help on the other two sites as well. I wanted her to get help for her loved one, by intervening with actual help from the depression site. Diva was at the end of her rope when she came here. This is a 24 year relationship for her and she has , apparently, tried everything that there was for her to try. This simply is a way for her not to enable her spouse who is addicted to a behavior. I'm glad that you posted. I was starting to think I was the only one that thought the way that you do now. So, thanks for posting, I don't feel quite so alone now in my earlier passionate response.  I look forward to following your situation. I understand hard core drug use and the effects on the families of addicts. Again, God Bless Your Family.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
Honey, I don't understand. When your wife finds out what? will she hate you?She knows about the pending divorce right? What does she need to find out?
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3065255_tn?1345766371
I understand the discussion.  I was looking for a place where I can belong. My problem is real. I found this site to be the closest to my heart. I learned from all of you. I advice only on medical stuff, my profession. I answer people in need when no one else is helping, not offering advice but only my presence. If i offend you, please ask yourself why you are offended. As nighthawk says, the same techniques help when it comes to enabling unhealthy/dangerous behaviors. BTW, I do get help elsewhere. Thank you nighthawk for understanding.
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495284_tn?1333897642
Anything new to report?
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Avatar_f_tn
Diva1957, its not that u offened me its just that u r in the wrong place. As i stated before, go read post from the substance abuse forum so u can get a better understanding of the type of addict that living with an addict is goes hand and hand with. Look at this forum as alanon on line. Now would u go to a alanon group and talk about how your marriage is falling apart due to mental health issues while everyone else is talking about how their loved ones r over dosing and in rehab? So again i ment no disrespect i was just calling it how i see it. Some behaviors a attention seeking and we all have those behaviors in some way shape form or fashion but this is NOT a forum to seek attention because there could b someone on the verge of suicide and their post is over looked but they r in the right place but they r not recieving the help and support they need because members r trying to help members that have posted in the wrong forum. Just food for thought. Good luck and no need to post smart remarks because the truth will set u free even though it can hurt at times. Xoxoxo
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To nighthawk61 u r NOT a junkie so please do not EVER say that about yourself again. Liife got rough and u let it take u too a dark place and now u r seeking help for it. U r a strong determined caring loving and supportive individual and with the help from this forum and God u will b whole again. Cyber hugs for u.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
I guess I'm still calling myself a junkie in certain forums because that was my reality for so many years. It's like an african american calling themselves the N word. I've actually been clean now for 13 glorious years. I'm still a junkie to cigarrettes, two packs a day, and the last huge barrier to my health. I'm living on borrowed time already. I need to understand that my smoking habit mirrors my drug use. Using the junkie term to me isn't derogatory, it just means that I've experienced the gambit of hard drug use and all of the things that go with that. It's a badge of honor for me, knowing all that I went through and how far i've come. I've also contracted Hepatitis C from my drug use and so my being a "junkie" will never really go away. I'm going for my liver scan to find out about the scarring and when and if I am to start interferon. I guess it's just a term that captures the war that I've been through. Please don't think that I'm insulting addicts by using the term. I so appreciate your post. Thank you for caring.
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