need help

my girlfriend s onmethadone. went from 20 to 55 down to 35 and is now starting back up on dosage.
Iam rying to help her get off completely. I loved her but this is driving me crazy and im staring to not like her.
i dont like her but if i give up she will go back to the streets and drugs and gd only knows what will happen to her.
wher do i go to get some help for me to cope eith all this bull

[ready2bfree49]

The sad , honest truth is you need to take care of yourself if she's not going to be a 100 % with you.....I know it ***** but, it the truth and to be completely honest....you're probably going to be alone... I am coming off of methadone after 7 yrs. and I'm on 40 now at 20 after a week I'm going into medical detox...I already know I can't do it alone.....I'm in the same boat but a different way...my BF has never done pills much less been addicted to them and he thinks I can just quit and that it's all in my head.....we have been fighting alot... :( which is the last thing I need.....good luck to you :)

[IBKleen]

Hi Larry & welcome,

I have to first tell you that you cannot stop her from going back to the streets. She may do that with or without you. That is the nature of addiction and has nothing to do with you. I don't know if she is making you feel this way or if these are your feelings but don't let her hold you hostage emotionally. I don't think any relationship could survive that.

There is a great group called Al-Anon. It is a fellowship of family members who are living with or have lived with an addict. They meet and support each other. I think it would be great for you to be around people just like you who can support you and give you suggestions. Here is the link to their website where you can locate meetings near you:

http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html

I wish you the best and remember that YOU are important too.

[Jaybay]

Yes, Al-Anon is where you go for help with these kinds of situations.  Try to keep an open mind about it and at least give a few meetings a try.  IBKleen is absolutely right that addicts use our emotions to hold us hostage.  Their brains are sick so things that logically and rationally make sense to us don't compute with them.

Addicts have to experience the horrible consequences of their addiction before they really understand that they have to change.  Sometimes that means toughing it out on the streets - or worse.  Right now it's time for you to think about what you want for yourself and your own life.  Maybe that includes your girlfriend; maybe it doesn't.  Just know that as long as you supply room, board and any other necessities for her she has no consequences to her using.  At the moment, you're probably the only one having to deal with any consequences of her addiction, which means absolutely nothing to her.  Your pain isn't even on her radar.  Al-Anon can help you figure all this out so you can get some sanity back in your life.

[larry1414]

   Thanks to all who replyed. I know in my heart that you are all right,been told the same thing several times. But God it breaks my heart to think that i just walk away and let her ruin her life.SHE HASNT HAD A GOOD LIFE, I VISIT WITH HER PARENTS EVERYDAY AND I SEE HOW THEY TREAT HER AND CAN UNDRSTAND MAYBE A LITTLE AS TO WHY SHE HAS TURNED TO DRUGS.she has 3 other chrildren by different daddys and they treated her bad and supplied her with drugs and then took her chrildren away from her.I may be a fool but i cant put her out ( a lest not yet ) i may somday when i cant take it anymore.iam going to get up whith the allon group and maybe that will help.
  Please dont think im beening smart with any of you i just need some help,feed back maybe i dont know GOD I JUST NEED HELPAND I DO PRAY EVERYDAY THAT I WILL FIND THE STRENTH TO OVERCOME AND DEAL WITH ALL THIS
  GOD BE WITH YOU AND I PRAY FOR YOYR SUCCESS
                     THANKS LARRY

[atthebeach]

hi larry,
have you talked with her about this?? is she open to counseling to help her come to terms with the emotional wounds,pains and scars she has?
is she open to attending na or aa meetings? going to church to talk with a pastor? i will pray for you both. please vent here and talk to us. there is always someone available. many of us have lived with or live with addicts. my husband has been in recovery for 2 years. there is hope as long as she as breathe.
sending hope and prayers
debbie

[Jaybay]

larry, we all have to walk our own path - in recovery or out of recovery - in our own time.  If you aren't ready to change, you aren't ready.  That's not a good thing or a bad thing; it simply IS.  The important thing is that you are beginning to recognize that your life is unmanageable because of someone else's addiction and you see that what you're doing now isn't helping her and it isn't helping you.  That's when you begin to consider changing your life and Al-Anon can help you learn new skills that will help you make that happen.  

You've fallen into the same trap that most of us do who live with and love people who just happen to be addicts.  We start to act as caretakers rather than friends, lovers, or spouses.  We spend our lives trying to save them from themselves and clean up the messes they create.  That doesn't leave much time for our own needs.  Trust me on this one thing: addicts know we are emotionally dependent on them and they use that to manipulate us into maintaining the status quo.  That makes us just as sick as they are in our own way.

One thing I hear a lot is, "If I don't take care of my beloved addict, she might die!"  Yes, that's true.  They might die.  But they're already dying and they're doing it on our watch while we enable them to continue the walk down Suicide Lane.  Your girlfriend's life is already in ruins and yours is crumbling too. Detaching doesn't mean you stop caring; it means you stop caretaking.

In addition to Al-Anon, there are plenty of books out there that can help you understand addiction and learn healthier, more productive ways to respond to it.  Check out some of the books by Melody Beattie - they're used quite a bit for study in Al-Anon meetings.  "Codependent No More" is a great one to begin with.  Yeah, I hated and rejected that label for a long time myself.  I didn't try to control my husband or save him from himself, but I neglected myself in a huge way.  When I heard that codependency can be simply defined as "neglect of self" I gave up.  That would be me!  LOL!

Life can get better my friend.  The keys to your own freedom and survival are already in your hands.  :-)

[larry1414]

My what words you use,as though youe been there and did that.You sound to be a very smart and updated person andni do thank you.
  This girl realy tears me up.She has had a very unhappy life,has had 3 childern by different daddys,been on drugs and alcola sence see was 15.
  I know that walking the streets living on the streets doing drugs she has did stuff i try not to think about but she swears see has never sold herself.why cant she just tell the truth,ive told her that all i want is for her to be honest.cps has came in and took the baby thank god i got her some help and she started the metadome 40 days before the baby was worn @34 weeks.The tested her 40 days before birth and che had coke mar pills you name it in her system,if she had any of those at birth she would have went to jail
   Now her middle childs father says hes the daddy to this baby and he was her pill supplier.She says he is not she knoes who the father is,damm all i want her to do is tellme the truth that there could be a posibility,i tell her it wont make a difference  damm i know that she has probely been with him just tell me.
   One thing ive forgot to mention. She is some what handie caped.Shes very smart in things just slow in understanding things shes dthd however she did complete  high school.Ther isnt anyway she could take care of herself in a manner as normal people do.She would have to depend on someoen else taken care of her and i could only imagine what kind of life that would be.
   Suppose iam trying to justfy myself for putting up with what im doing. Suppose im justing wanting to tell someone what kind of hell im going through just wanting to vent.
  People have told me the same thing and i just cant put her out now at this time.
   Yes i took her out of the hospital sept 11 2011 and she hasnt been out of my sight for more than a couple hrs and she was with her mother helping with the baby. She does have supervised visition rights but only for 6 hrs a day and cant be alone with him.
  I realy thinkl that this methodone is messing with her mind and making her not looking at relaity.She ist much more than a child herself at this time,and i cant stand the thought of her beening thrown to the animals that are out ther waiting for someone of her mature to pry on
    I do thank all you for your support and im not quiting you all nor her just yet
     Pray for me and her  I pray all the time. I need guidence,understanding and paticence
                                 god be withyou all
                                   larry

[Jaybay]

Yep, been there, done that, not gonna do it again!  :-)  I have learned so much about addiction and codepency in the past year.  Matter of fact, about this time last year was the lowest point in my existence.  My husband was on his 3rd and final attempt to detox from Suboxone.  He nearly killed himself abusing alcohol and a wide variety of "comfort meds" in a vain attempt to deal with the withdrawal symptoms.  Frankly, I really didn't give a dam if he died.  At least I wouldn't have to watch his continuing suicide day after day after day and all the insanity and chaos that went along with it.  

Once he was free of Suboxone, his alcoholism went completely out of control.  It took me another four months to finally give up and put myself first.  I finally reached my own bottom line and issued the ultimatum: rehab or get out of this house.  He knew I was serious and even more important, he knew I was right.  Just as I had to realize that my life wasn't working, so did he.

Luckily, he ended up in a top-notch rehab facility that we probably wouldn't have found without input from a member here at Med Help. Not all facilities include family aftercare at no additional charge, but this one does.  I look back and marvel at how much my life has improved but more important is how I've changed.  I went into the program an exhausted, beaten, resentful, depressed and very, very angry woman.  Like so many spouses, I fully expected my marriage was over no matter what happened.  Well, my expectations were completely wrong.  I like this new person my husband has become and we're tighter than ever.  If he relapses, I know what to do to take care of myself and he now has the skills to deal with it himself.

I know how frustrating it is to be lied to day in and day out.  How do you know when an addict is lying?  A: When she opens her mouth.  It's the nature of the beast.  Your girlfriend is so deep into her addiction that she probably really believes what she's telling you.  The fact is that it's her addiction talking.  She will tell you what she thinks you want to hear to protect her lifestyle and put off the day of reckoning.

I can hear the desperation in every word you've written.  You are no more in control of her behavior than she is right now.  She isn't in recovery as long as she's still using (and probably abusing and supplementing) her methadone.  Real recovery means going to meetings and working with a sponsor and learning new skills to live life sober.  She's not there yet, and she won't be there as long as you (or anyone else) continue to meet her basic needs for her.  Yes, she's had a horrible life.  It doesn't have to stay that way.  Have you really thought about what your bottom line is where her addiction is concerned?  You - not me, not your friends, not your family - you.  That's a good, small step to take now.  :-)