My son, age 27, is getting ready to start a Saboxone treatment program. I honestly don't see how he can afford it, so I have 2 questions. 1- Is it even worth it ? 2- What is he looking at cost wise in terms of the actual medication ? I know the doctor will be $120.00 per month. He has relied heavily on me to help him financially and I am physically, emotionally and financially drained from his addiction. If this Saboxone thing is just another difficult road with no happy ending I don't want to even start it. Any help out there ?
Hello and welcome. I know how draining it can be. You are and have been living in his addiction. You have been enabling him.there is a fine line between love,helping and enabling. I would definitely not pay for his suboxone. The cost can upwards of $300-$400 a month. What was he using and for how long?
Have him detox at home,there are things that can help make the detox more comfortable. The physical symptoms will last 5-7 days. Then he needs one on one counseling and support groups.na/aa.
I would highly recommend you checking into al-anon. This will help you learn how to separate yourself from and learn to deal with his addiction.
Sending hugs and prayers
He was on Heroin and pain pills. He has detoxed several times. He did one faith based program where he stayed for 10 months. He has done two 28 day stays, a sober living community and most recently a 16 week faith based program. We really thought he was doing good, but I think he actually relapsed soon as he got out. You are right about me needing alnon though ! I need to check into that today. I'm at my breaking point and ready to give up on him. Thank you for your advise !
sadly enough many times they have relapse after relapse, rehab after rehab and continue down the same road.
he needs to hit rock bottom and be sick and tired of being sick and tired. it doesnt appear that he has reached that point yet.
we get so caught up in their addictions that we are at the breaking point, physically,emotionally, mentally,spiritually exhausted. meanwhile they are still in active addiction. i know how hard it is to step back. does he live with you? i had to finally tell my husband and my son at different times to leave the house. you get so worried about them, but as they continued to live in the house all of their needs were met. they didnt have much reason to change what they were doing.
i do like the faith based programs better. he needs to surrender his addiction to a higher power. its very possible he hasnt done that yet.
does your son work? has he gone to college? i so feel your pain. we only want the best for our children and to see them in the claws and bondage of addiction is heartbreaking. there is hope. please continue to trust,hope,believe and pray.
sending encouragment,prayers and hugs
I'll try to answer your questions... No he does not live with me. I moved in with my fiancé 6 years ago and he stayed in my apartment. The deal was he could pay half the rent and I'd pay half while his sister was still in school so she could stay in the same school district. He never paid any. He has had a million jobs. Something always happens the is somehow related to his addiction. Missing too much, dental emergencies, etc. He's never been financially independent. I always say I'm done but then I somehow convince myself I just need to help him over one more hurdle ! And it just never changes. He never finished high school. He got his GED but admitted to me he was high during every class.
Yes, he has gotten clean on his own. That's what is so frustrating. He has been clean several times in the past several years, twice for as long as 10 months at a time ! That's what is so hard for us (his family) to understand. If he can go that long, then why does he have to wake up one day and say, Oh, I think I'll go do drugs today ? He has a 6 year old daughter and he barely sees her unless I have her. Then he isn't here as much as he should be and when he is around her (us) you can tell he is totally preoccupied with his addiction. Constantly texting, constantly complaining of headaches, needing cigerettes, food, etc. It has taken over my life for 7 years and I am ready to throw in the towel. I work hard long hours in a factory and have nothing to show for it coz I'm constantly bailing Nick out. He has worked off and on, but can never really support himself. I thought he was doing good over the summer then found out he hadn't been paying any bills and had most likely started using soon as he graduated the program he had been in. He just had his first visit to the saboxone dr friday so he has a script now. But I guess my main question is if he can't afford this program and he will eventually have to taper off of it anyway, why not just do detox now and get back to where he was before summer. He was clean and surrounding himself with positive people, prayer groups, etc. He looked and acted like a changed person and it was wonderful. Now it is back to being difficult to even be around him. I just feel lost as a parent right now ): Thanks for listening.
It sounds like your son has never really "worked" a recovery program. He's still stuck in the detox part of recovery thinking that not using is the end of it. It's not. It's just the beginning of the real work that lasts a lifetime. If your son comes out of detox but never or rarely attends AA or NA meetings and does not have a sponsor, he is not serious about his sobriety. That work is entirely up to him. Nobody can make him do it. Not even you.
Now on to you. It's long past the time for you to at least investigate Al-Anon. They recommend you attend at least 6 meetings before you decide if it's helpful for you or not. The Al-anon program follows the same 12-step program as AA/ NA. When you boil it down to basics, the program is really a major self-improvement program. We don't spend that hour gossiping about all the damage we have allowed to happen to our lives due to living with an addict. It's spent trying to find ways to make our lives manageable again - sometimes in ways that have nothing to do with the addict. It's a process. There isn't a roadmap to sanity that everyone follows. We all have to learn to act in our own best interests in spite of what the addict does or how he manipulates us into thinking we're supposed to behave.
We also have sponsors to help us stay on track with whatever we decide to do. Meetings are as different as the people who attend them so if you have more than one meeting in your area, try different ones at different times and see what you think.
Letting go of your son is the kindest thing you can do for him at this point - Suboxone or not. Sub is FDA approved for a 21-day detox for people in active opiate addiction. It is to be used in conjunction with a rehab program that includes meetings and therapy. Without all that, it's just another opiate and it is just as subject to abuse as any other opiate. If he's serious about getting sober, Suboxone probably is not a good choice for him. It's time for you to step aside and allow your son to experience all the negative consequences of his addiction.
The longer you continue to support him financially (and probably emotionally as well) the longer he can put off meaningful recovery. He is an adult. By acting as his caretaker you enable him to continue living his life as an addict. When you're ready, you'll find it's suprisingly easy to stand aside and let him live his life and deal with the consequences of his actions. That's where having Al-anon and a sponsor in your life can help you stick to your guns and understand that by allowing him to fail or succeed on his own merits is not only the best thing for you but for your son as well.
Did any of the rehab programs your son attended offer family care? If they do, take advantage of it! The aftercare program offered by my husband's rehab facility is outstanding. I never thought I'd be a groupie - and like it! - but there it is. Just as my husband has found another family in his aftercare and AA groups, I have another family in my group. You never know until you try and you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. :-)
Thank you so much. I agree with everything you are saying. The programs Nick has been in have not offered anything for the family, which always surprised me. I don't know why I have not attended any alanon meetings before. I think I just hit rock bottom myself with all this. It has taken me way too long ! So I have gone from being very frustrated to overnight feeling like I'm losing it ! I am crying for an hour at a time and cannot seem to have any conversation with Nick without it turning into an argument even when he is acting ok. So I am making it my mission to find a group this week. When Nick was in the last program he had a mentor and attended weekly prayer groups and church. He was so happy and healthy. The minute he was done with the program he let all that go. I tried to get him to continue going to church with his daughter and I but he always had some excuse why he couldn't. To be honest I haven't gone since he stopped either but I want to. The letting go of Nick is whats so hard. Winter is around the corner. He doesn't have a vehicle to get to work and he is at risk of being evicted soon. My finance won't let him stay with us and he has nowhere else to go ... literally. We live in a very small community. Although I have tried to get him to go back to the faith based program he was in last. I am just feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place. Well, thanks for your help...I will check into a group and hopefully that will help me to atleast keep my sanity, lol. Have a good week.
Good for you! I sense you're in a horrible black hole and I know exactly what that feels like having been there myself. When your goal turns to taking care of yourself rather than trying to control your son's actions, you'll start to pull yourself out of that hole. I know it must be unimaginable to step back and allow your son to become what he will, but it's the only way to get him to understand that he has to change. It is not your job to coordinate his life. That's his job.
There's a saying in AA - if nothing changes, nothing changes. Your son never changed his behavior in spite of all the rehab tours and neither did you. He stopped attending meetings, didn't go to daily AA meetings and he relapsed. No surprise. Prayer groups are great, but nothing beats working a 12-step program with a sponsor.
You continued with your same enabling behavior by financing his lifestyle. Your fiance is absolutely right to set a boundary that your son not move in with you. It will destroy you both. Whatever boundaries you decide to set (no more financial support, not seeing him unless he's sober, etc.) make sure they're boundaries that are unmovable and that you make them very clear to your son.
Trust me, they know when you're dead serious. My husband certainly did. The emotional blackmail and temper tantrums just had no more power over me after his final drinking episode. I'd been manipulated without recognizing it. There's nothing I hate more than being made a fool of and he did that in spades. I honestly did not care what the h*ll happened to him as long as it didn't happen around me. It was either rehab or out the door and no more financing his unemployment, drinking and pity party. He's now some 4 months sober and great things are happening. He was so deep into his addiction that I never imagined what life could be like with him sober. It's amazing!
I also want to recommend that you get a copy of the AA "Big Book" and start reading it. Whether it's drugs or alcohol or both, the information in the book still applies and you'll get a much better understanding of how recovery is supposed to work. You can get it at any rehab center, AA/ NA meeting or online. The book isn't like reading a novel from cover-to-cover. It's like studying the Bible. You might read one paragraph and spend days pondering it.
Changing ingrained behavior is difficult for anyone sober or not, and messy and scary to boot. We all have our comfort zones whether they're good for us or not. By giving Al-Anon a chance, you've taken the first step out of your comfort zone and toward your own recovery. Congratulations! :-)
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