the right rehab

My boyfriend is going back to rehab after relapsing on heroin.  He went to a 6 week rehab before.  And yes they say relapse is normal, but obviously it was not the right treatment for him.  He is 31.  His dad has been dealing with where he is going to go.  From an outsiders point of view I think his dad could be part of his problem   Always tried controlling EVERYTHING in his life, dads way or the high way.  This obviously has not worked because he we are again.  I see all the posts where people cant handle 28 days away.  The program he is entering is 14 months!  I am all behind him if thats what it takes but because I am just a girlfriend he is not allowed to contact me at all.  Its totally a spiritual based program, so I guess if youre not married you mean nothing.  How am I supposed to show him my support if we can have no contact?  I completely know that he needs to focus on him, but isnt support important too, especially for that long of a period of time?  It almost seems cult like.  But his dad says its his only choice. I found another center that can anywhere from 6 months to however long you need.  They tailor everything to the individual.  It handles mind body and spirit..the whole package.  And actually teaches you how to reenter the real would as a coinfident successful individual. Starting from the bottom, identifing why you started in the first place and how to face the same situation and make the right choice.  But his dad doesnt want to hear it.  He would need them to fund it so my hands are completely tied..I feel so helpless and am afraid these 14months are not what he needs.

[dominosarah]

Recovery is a very long process so 14 months out of his life isnt very long.  I dont quite understand you not being able to participate in his recovery.  How does he feel about going to this rehab?  Will his parents be able to visit with him there?

[bmags]

I agree, but just not sure it is the right program.  I know support is what helps an addict recover and I want to do that for him, but wont be able to.  I read all the posts about how people are talking almost everyday with those in a 30 day program, and honestly I dont think that helps.  But there has to be a better solution.  Yes after 5 months he can see his parents and kids once a month on an "earned basis

[dominosarah]

Have you seen the layout of this program?  It always raises my eyebrows when i hear this sort of thing as i know family is very important in their recovery plan, married or not.

[bmags]

Yes I have and stresses no communication to girlfriends or fiances, letters phone calls or visits..for 14 months.  That what makes me think a little cult like.  I know they have to concentrate and how to get and keep themselves clean, but its like they want him to depend on the program strictly for that, and thats not healthy..or going to help when reentering reality, whether it be with me or anyone.  His dad cant see it..i swear all he sees is the 14month part.  He needs more than just time being clean, but needs to figure out why he has relapsed and what he needs to change in his life to be a successful...clean man..the man I know he can be

[Nighthawk61]

There is a huge chance that your boyfriend will end up going AWOL (absence without official leave). I've heard of it so much with these types of programs that don't allow family. It is far more important for you to be included in his rehab so that you are also on board with the treatment and not enable him. Not that I feel it should be of any consequence, but how long have you been together, do you live together?

[bmags]

Thanks for the input..we have been together for 8 months.  We dont officially live together, but he was always here.  Never once did i think he was using.  I called him on all the ********.  He was just a much better liar than i was detectative.  Immediate family and his kids are allowed contact. His divorce papers arent finallized, so the sad thing is he can talk to his ex who is also an addict, but not me.  He doesnt want her help or support, wants mine but there is nothing I can do.  I just feel so helpless.  I have over a year to figure out if this is something i want to live with the rest of my life, but he has a year of this cult program which i honestly dont see him getting what he needs out of it.  There is another program that can be just as long, but is 30,000 and of course his parents dont want to hear any other options

[Nighthawk61]

Here in Canada you are considered a spouse after living together for a year, maybe your bf has to talk to his family and demand that you are considered his common law spouse? Would that even work? I'd be checking out that angle, as I said, you bf can say that he has a certain expectation to have you considered his family too, if you are clean and sober yourself,,......

[bmags]

I have never touched a drug in my life..this is so foreign to me and never thought i would ever be in this position.  I wish I could just say f*** him and move on but for some reason I cant.  I know he will never see it from my side.  I have to go on with life acting like everything is just fine when its not.  Yes he will be doing what he needs for him, but he doesnt have to deal with the day in day out real life situations.  Part of me would like to run away and hide for the year..but i have kids, job, house and reality to deal with.  Can i ask which side of the situation you have experience with?

[bmags]

oh ya and to answer your question about his dad wanting me included...he was pissed at me for telling my bf that this was part of the program. I said..well i know dom welll enougfh to know that if he finds out after he gets there he would be pissed and leave.  What happened when he found out..he was pissed and said he wouldnt go..then when he had time to process it, he became ok..not happy but ok with it.  They have been dealing with it for years and obviously have found whats right for him.. It is so frustrating to see that they dont know him well enough after 31 years but i do after knowing him about a year.  That have to inderstand its whats best for him not them