Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
the solution
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WELCOME TO THE ADDICTION: LIVING WITH AN ADDICT COMMUNITY. This patient support community is for family members and loved ones of people who are substance abuse addicts. Discussions cover how to help your loved one, enabling, coping with the emotional impact of addiction, intervention, and when to seek medical help. If you are not a family member of a substance abuse addict and instead need help with your addiction, please visit our Addiction: Substance Abuse Community to get the support you need.

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the solution

In my situation, im 2 months pregnant. my boyfriend is addicted to cocaine. he has had mean spells and mood swings. when he has the drugs and is able to feed the addiction... he's fine and everything is perfect. but when he runs out, i feel the need to literally hide away. He scares me. i want to help him and in my heart I know three only way is through Jesus Christ.
11 Comments Post a Comment
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480448_tn?1403547723
Oh honey.  Your BF is only going to do something about his addiction if he wants to.  You are going to have no control over that.

What you DO have control over is the environment and circumstances you subject yourself and your baby to.  My advice to you is to find somewhere else to live until he can prove to you he is trying to help himself.

Cocaine is a dangerous, dangerous drug.  Not only should your child not be anywhere near where the drug (or residue) may be, but your BF's anger may turn to violence.  There's only one solution here, I'm afraid.

Please don't make the same mistake so many others in your situation have.  Get out of the situation NOW, before the baby is born.  You have to be a mother first, and protect your child at all costs.  THAT'S your obligation...not to him.

I wish you nothing but the very best, and I hope you find the strength to do what's necessary.  It's very unfortunate that you're bringing a child into the world now, under these circumstances.  It would have been much better to have waited until these issues could be addressed.  Sadly, being the loved one of an addict is a long tough road.  He may never get well.  Your child doesn't need to go down that road.

Praying for you...for courage and strength, hon.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
Further honey, to the above post, is that an addict will usually only get the help that they need if they have consequences to their actions, in other words honey, by you staying and cowering in the corner with your unborn baby, you are enabling him, big time to continue. Sooo, if you love him and want to help him, and give your relationship a  fighting chance, go to NarcAnon, find out the healthiest way not be be co dependent, not to be enabling, leave so that you make it clear you're not supporting his addiction, and that you'll only support his recovery, and you'll start to feel alot more control in your life, and your child's life. It is SO true that violence can be a part of a cocaine addiction, so you MUST protect your child starting now. Please start to make plans to help yourself out of this, and help your beau to find some accountability. We're here for you, so keep posting. You're NOT alone. First things first, do you have family you can stay with immediately, are you working, do you need to find a shelter, can you get to a meeting?
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Avatar_f_tn
I think finding a safe environment is a great idea. My husband went through this as well....he finally went to rehab and will have 5 months clean time this month. I know its hard to leave and I know you want to help. Pray for him. He has to hit rock bottom before he makes a decision on getting sober. My husband nearly shot himself but God sent him an angel that night. As for your wellbeing and the babies, find an alanon or naranon meeting.It will help you cope! It will teach you so many things about loving an addict. Its hard, Ive been there. I will be praying for you and your family. There is a light at the end of the tunnel; its just so hard to think you will ever reach it.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
INITIAL POST
In my situation, im 2 months pregnant. my boyfriend is addicted to cocaine. he has had mean spells and mood swings. when he has the drugs and is able to feed the addiction... he's fine and everything is perfect. but when he runs out, i feel the need to literally hide away. He scares me. i want to help him and in my heart I know three only way is through Jesus Christ.

YOUR REPLY
I appreciate your advise, although, he is laying next to me saying you are full of **** however, i believe in what your saying. im20.. he's 55. I have no GED and no diploma. Both him and I work.
Leaving him,as easy as it may seem happens to be the hardest decision of my life. i love him, no doubt. I cant see myself without him.
You and i, it sounds like, have had different experiences. im 7 weeks pregnant.. and ready to become a mom. if you don't mind, could you get a little more into depth about your experience?
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3060903_tn?1398568723
No insult, somebody else really wants to deal with this honey, okay? no harm, no foul, I'm glad you are considering understanding another way of life, sort of. maybe  IDK Now i'm laughing, ****, he was laughing when he said that right? I mean , i wouldn't want to make the big man upset or anything. You know, that's pretty scary stuff, coming from a man of distinction like him.........
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3060903_tn?1398568723
Sorry, I meant a pretty scary stiff......
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3060903_tn?1398568723
Okay i'm giddy, haven't slept for hours, it really took me off my game thinking that you may think that our time on here is meant to be used, without the proper respect, but in answer to your question, No it's not a whole lot different, My man used, above his wife and child, and stressed me out enough that i lost my first baby. That was ALL on him, as God is my Witness, and what i thought was love quickly turned to disgust when i looked at him with the fresh eyes of a mother who had to go to a Christian hospital that made me go through full labor and delivery because they didn't believe in D&C's. I had my first baby, in the toilet of a hospital while he used his DOC. We're not so different , you and I. You're barking up the same tree my ***** was pissing all over.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am dealing with the same problem... I am 3 months pregnant and my boyfriend does cocaine and meth occasionally.. and even though its not every day, its not ok because we have a child on the way. He has been doing drugs for nearly 15 years and says he doesnt need help because he's "not addicted" and he says "at least I'm not as bad as I used to be." That doesnt make it ok. I am having a hard time deciding what to do as well, as I know leaving him is WAY easier said than done, especially when you're pregnant. However, if you need someone to talk to feel free to message me anytime. I don't have anyone to talk to about it either and no one really understands until theyre put in that position.
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480448_tn?1403547723
I'm so sorry you're dealing with the same thing.

Just remember, both of you...your first and most important priority is your baby.  Keeping a child in that environment just isn't acceptable.  I'm SURE it's easier said than done, but you have to find the strength somewhere.  Either they get clean, or your gone.  Pretty straightforward.

No offense to either of you, but I'll NEVER understand why people would bring a child into this world under these terrible circumstances.  I just don't get that.  Things are probably bad enough, having to be the loved one of an addict...but to then add a child to the mix?  Is it because you hope things will change and a baby will help them see the light?

PLEASE seek help for yourselves, through alanon, or naranon, something!

Very best to you ladies.
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Avatar_f_tn
It's not like I was trying to bring a child into this world in an unsafe environment. I wasn't aware of his drug issues until after I was already pregnant. It wasn't an ideal situation but we have only been together about 6 months and yes it was too soon to have a child but I'm already aware of that and there is no point in dwelling on something that is too late to change. Also like I said, until you're actually IN that position, you will never understand. Sure you can sit there and say that you would leave immediately etc etc. I used to do the same exact thing. But its just not that simple. Yes I'm aware my child is my number 1 priority, but not everything is so black and white. You sound slightly judgemental. Just saying.
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480448_tn?1403547723
Dear, I'm not trying to be judgemental.  While I'm aware that it isn't as easy as just picking up and leaving...I'm saying you must do whatever it takes to ensure the safety of your child, as you know.  It's different to put YOURSELF through something like that, but when you become a Mom, you must FIND ways.

I'm not saying to ditch him, or turn your back on him, but I DO think you have to be very tough and there needs to be an ultimatum.  Of course he'll only get clean when he's ready, but he needs to know you're putting your foot down.

I don't judge you for how you conceived whatsoever.  But, when you are in a situation where you really haven't bonded as well as a couple, and don't know each other as well as you should, it's risky to add a child to the mix.  You;'re now struggling with a very difficult situation as a result.  Babies are enough work and stress without having such enormous weights on your shoulders.  It's a great thing to keep in mind for the future.

I would never suggest you dwell on the past, what I AM suggesting is that YOU shape your future and your child's future.  You have complete control over what you do....how you react, etc.  I understand it's a tricky situation, but you have to dig deep to be strong enough to do what's right, for you and the baby.  Hopefully he will want to get clean and do so...I sincerely hope so.  Just be sure he KNOWS you won't accept anything less.  That may open his eyes a bit.

Like I said in the prior post...please be sure you're getting help for YOU as well, by attending a program that will walk you through being a loved one of an addict.  Like you said, it's not an easy thing to do...so you need to arm yourself with as much knowledge and support as you can.

I really hope your stroy has a happy ending.  I'm pulling for you!
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