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when do I quit?
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when do I quit?

My 37 year old son has had addiction issues of one form or another for 20 years.  Over those 20 years I have enabled him by providing money, housing, transportation, etc.  His current DOC is prescription meds although over the years he's done a little bit of everything.  Suprisingly he has never been sent to prison although he's been in jail in 3 states for DUI and possession more times than I can count.  He was hurt in 1997 on the job and has had 2 back surgeries. He's a brick mason so he can't work.  He's filed for disability but it is still pending. His girlfriend left last year and carried his 2 year old daughter with her last year.  His workmen's comp Dr. (i.e. dope dr) was giving him 3 oxycodone and 3 klonopin a day as "pain management" but now the Dr. has refused to see him again (good!).  He's been in detox 3 times in the past year.  He's been kicked out of every shelter and rehab in town.  He's OD'd 3 times and the hospitals revive him and then just release him back to the street.  He has no money. The last shelter kicked him out last night and now he truly is on the streets.  He's not using now and he's supposed to go back to a rehab tomorrow (this will be the 8th or 9th one in the past year) but he's wanting me to pay for a hotel room tonight.  I told him no but it is supposed to get very cool tonight so I'm waivering.  My husband disowned him years ago and I am the only person who still has anything to do with him. My husband now has cancer and we've got drugs all over the house so there's no question of him coming to live here even if my husband agreed to it (which he never will.)
13 Comments Post a Comment
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3149845_tn?1415046551
Hes wild and out of control and i think your at your limit. At 37 he probably knows what he has to do to get himself back into society as he was there before. Sometimes hitting a brick wall is the only thing that will work. If you pay for a hotel tonight he most likely will ask to help him stay for a while. If you do want to help with just tonight, maybe ask him what he will do the next day when he checks out. I think the bottom line is that he needs intervention but hes the one that has to want it. Intervention means going possibly to an in house treatment facility.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks.  I didn't pay for the hotel.  He's been in 8-9 different long term residential rehab programs.  He lasts for a month or two and then gets kicked out for using.  In one case he only stayed 1 night before he used.  He called me saying they didn't know what they were talking about and he hadn't done anything.  Problem with that was that they had video and they showed it to me.  
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3149845_tn?1415046551
There comes a time in life where one has to help themself.
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3149845_tn?1415046551
I just want to add that we never really quit as these are our children and a mothers love is lasting. Its just that we have to get him involved in getting his life straight. If youve done all you can and the effort he is making in not working then he needs intervention.
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Avatar_f_tn
You are so right.  He's talking to one of his previous rehabs today that are considering taking him back in.  Hopefully that will work out.  If not I don't know what he's going to do.  
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3149845_tn?1415046551
He has to figure that out and you stand by him with a mothers support. Let him know that your there for him but it has come a point that he must make the next move to his recovery.
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3149845_tn?1415046551
To understand him is to get into his mind. Picture him standing outside looking up into the sky with a decision to make. "im am strung out on pills and really like the feeling and i know that if i go to rehab there will be withdrawals and also will be missing the good feeling, or i can call mom for help and keep this life style going." Witnessing the suffering of a loved one can lead to self blame. You have been helping him for 20 years about this.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
Good for you not paying for the hotel room. Support his recovery. Of his addiction. He will figure it out, he has too , he is a grown man. He knows what he needs to do to get on the recovery road.
Sending prayers and support,
Debbie
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1235186_tn?1339127464
Darn new phone.  Support his recovery not his addiction.  
Have you ever gone to Alanon?  
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Avatar_f_tn
No, I haven't gone to Alanon.  I probably need to though.  Sorry I haven't responded quicker but I've been hauling his stuff and him for the past 2 days.  The rehab agreed to take him back so at least he's off the street now.  I'm not sure how long it will last though.  It's pretty sad because I know he's just in there to have a bed.  He's already mentioned that he needs to look for another workmens comp Dr.  I'm sure its so that he can scam them to get more meds.  He's good at that.  He only cares about me or anyone else if they are helping him get what he wants.  I found out that he lied to me again about what happened at the last rehab. My husband is fed up with me for helping him and with him for using me.  He wasn't raised like this.  I need to quit.  
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1235186_tn?1339127464
mom if you are always there to help him financially, to help him clean up his messes,to give him somewhere to live, to give him a ride, he will never have to be responsible for his continued wrong choices. he has to feel the consequences of his choices. if he doesnt work, he doesnt eat, if he doesnt work, he doesnt have any where to live, if he drives when he drinks, he will get another dwi and eventually spend enough time in jail to feel the impact. you can no longer be consumed by his addiction. his addiction should not be the focus of your life. you need to cut him loose in love.
tell him you love him and want him to have a clean and sober life, but you can not help him any more in the ways that you have been. he needs to stand on his own two feet.
i would definitely suggest that you attend alanon. you would get the support you need, learn about addiction and get the tools you need to stop enabling him. i resisting going for a long time, about 14 years, then when i finally went it was just what i needed. i learned so much, we become just as sick or sicker then they are. we become part of their destruction. we are trying to help, it becomes big time enabling and quite frankly isnt healthy for us or the addict.
he needs to fall flat on his face, get into the dark pit, go lower than he can go, then he will have to pull himself up out of the pit. you cant do it for him.
they become master manipulators,deceivers,liars,thiefs. no most times they arent raised like this, it is learned behavior from their years of drug abuse. it totally changes their way of thinking,reasoning,behaving. they no longer are in control of their thoughts and actions, the drugs are.
please for you, your son  and your husband end this insanity now.
insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
there is always hope.... keep the faith....
sending support,encouragement and prayers
debbie
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Avatar_f_tn
Debbie, you are so wise.

Good for you for not paying for the hotel room.  I've been scammed by that ploy a few times myself.  Just one more night.  Tomorrow I will fix myself.  What happened in our case is that all the drug buddies spent the night in the room too and it provided a safe place for them to use.  That hotel room became a cushion that prevented her from hitting bottom.  Some of them need to hit bottom HARD in order to feel it.  I learned at a lecture series on addiction my husband and I are attending that until they feel the pain and its bad enough to get their attention they will deny the problem and make excuses.  Who ever fixes a problem they don't know they have?  
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks to you all for your advice and support.  I think I get confused sometimes between what is "enabling" and what is "support" for his recovery.  Because of my husband's illness and because I am just plain tired I have been gradually pulling away from him and have gotten to the point that I don't do near what I used to in terms of giving him money or putting him up.  Several years ago I would have believed every lie he told me.  As you probably know it is always someone elses' fault.  I told him yesterday that if he got kicked out of this rehab he would be on the street and not to call me.  He assured me he is going to "stick this one out."  We'll see.
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