ATTENTION: ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS!

I need help! I'm at my wits end on what to do about my dad. Growing up he was such a loving, gentle father with us kids. But his drinking has gotten our family into so many fights that our relationship has been strained for a a few years now. I don't know what to do anymore. My mom is a complete enabler. She went as far as to forbid any alcohol in the house...(although she's done that before, it was only a matter of time before the alcohol was allowed again). But she tells him it's okay for him to drink when they go out. She completely denies that he's got a problem.

This time, it's been us kids that have pretty much told my mom that if he drinks in front of us at the house, we're not coming over anymore. Two of my siblings live at home, but my sister and I are married. My sister has a baby girl and if she didn't bring her over anymore it would kill both my parents.

The problem is, now dad is leaving the house all day long to go golfing. If it was just because he loves to golf, it would be one thing...but I truly believe that the real reason is so that he can drink. He's taking my mom out of town all the time now...and I feel bad because she absolutely loves it...but I don't think he's doing it to be nice. I think he's doing it because when they're gone he's free to drink as much as he wants. I can't talk to him about it. He's simply impossible and doesn't respect us children enough to listen to what we have to say without getting all butt hurt about it and yelling and refusing to listen. He says we have no respect for him and that we all have attitude problems. Basically, that WE'RE the ones with the problem - not him. It's nice that there's no alcohol allowed in the house anymore, but it worries me that he's out and about drinking. He hasn't come home drunk...but he is driving. And he's on a lot of medication becaue he has an illness and he really shouldn't be drinking at all. But it doesn't take much to get him buzzed.

Where do I start?  I found listings for Al-Anon meetings...but what do I do? Do I just show up at one? Should we do an intervention? Should I tell my grandparents on him?

[hillary5]

omg!  i felt like i wz reading my life there for a moment ... my dad and brother are both alcoholics and gamblers.  my mom, same way, enables them ... but hey! what can you do? my dad has caused my mom so much pain over the years, to losing a house, being in  jail, to gambling losses, etc. but she still stays w/him .. been married 40something years.  i know alot of stories about my dad that my mom doesn't know and i would never tell her....therefore the respect i had for my dad wz zilch.  i just can't see why should would put up w/it regardless of love or the kids ... i wouldn't put myself thru it ... but until i wz addicted to pain pills then i kinda understood both of my parents sides. my mom has been there for him as my husband has been there for me.  i finally got some help. my dad on the other hand has not .. he never really drank at home though.  always out and then driving home which to this day kills me cuz i have small children and the thought of him hurting anyone freaks me out. and then the gambling - he's done stupid **** because of that but it seems to be okay when they go to the casino together - why is that?  if she doesn't want  him doin it at all then don't go w/him ... ugh! ... but i finally came to the point that i'm married, have kids, don't live at home anymore and what happens there is none of my business anymore.  my relationship w/my dad has gotten better since i admitted my addiction, easier to talk to ... before anytime we were in the same room it wz non stop fighting ... never had a nice thing to say to me and always criticized what i did, how i did it and how i raise my kids and on and on ... my brother got into the al-non thing but then ended up being an acoholic himself ... intervention?  i know my dad would of gone thru the roof if we tried that on him ... telling your grandparents?  i wouldn't ... its your mom and dads problem ... if he wants to change he will .. if you mom doesn't want to do anything about then she's not ... whether any of us understand that, welp  you just have to deal with it .. i don't know .. these are just thoughts about my situation ... peace + love = happiness!!!!    have a good one~

[Aruba417]

Thanks for your response. I never wish this on anyone but it's nice to know that there are others out there that know what I'm going through. And I'm so happy that you got help for your addiction to pain killers. You're so lucky to have an understanding husband who helped you get through it.

I think you're right about the intervention thing. I think it would only make things worse with my dad. I'm just genuinely afraid for his life. I'm afraid he's either going to cause his liver to fail, or since he's just so damn depressed that he may be suicidal. He's grabbed his gun and left the house a drunken rage before. He never pointed it at anyone or threatened anyone...but he goes and sits alone somewhere. And when you're depressed and s*** faced like that, who knows....?

Plus, I'm just sick of the tension at their house. I know it's easy to just forget about it and leave. But family has always been really important to us. And I can't stop thinking about the dad he USED to be. The dad that went to all my softball and basketball games. The dad that coached my soccer team, the dad that would make my school lunch and put notes in it. It just makes me all so sad. :(

[IBKleen]

Hello and Welcome to The Forum!

Your post was heartfelt. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do for your dad right now except pray. HE has to realize that he has a problem before he can get help, and since your mom is apparently enabling him, he cannot see what his addiction to doing to himself or the people around him. Telling on him will only push him away. It doesn't sound as though he is at the point for an intervention yet. He has not hit bottom. It is sad because usually hitting bottom happens in the wake of a tragedy. I hope I am not scaring you. I am speaking from my own experience.

The best thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself. You cannot save your dad until he wants to be saved.

Al-anon is an excellent idea. You can find their local chapter in the phone book, or you can search the internet to find the places and times for meetings. I can say for sure it will help YOU. Just go to the meeting, raise your hand, introduce yourself and share just what you did here today. You will get help.

Please post and let us know how you are doing. I will pray for you and your family.

Take care of yourself.

[marcatj]

i don't think there's alot you CAN do except establish your own bottom line (i.e. he won't see the gradnkids, etc.)

your mom doesn't seem to care - or won't do anything about it, so even if you did an intervention, she likely wouldn't join.

unless all of you agree to do one, i don't know if it will work.

in my opinion, you can and should tell him how you feel, but he 's not going to change unless he wants to.  so all you can really do assuming everyone is not going to join in an intervention is take care of yourself, set your own bounderies, and not feel guilty about them.  nor feel like your mom is a victim - it's her choice to enable.

[hillary5]

Hey there! ... did your dad drink when you were younger?  That is a scary thought about him being depressed and drinking especially w/a gun ... I just had an uncle who shot himself to death because he wz drinking.  He had just found out his cancer was back and back in a different place He wz depressed & fighting w/his wife.  I would NEVER want that to happen to you or anyone else ever!!!!  Rock bottom is different w/everyone.  Does he drink everyday? does he just have a drink or two to relax or does he drink to get drunk?

Family is very important and that is great we're able to have a family ... We have the same turmoil in my parents house w/my brother.  No drinking, blah blah blah ... he has threatened my parents lives, he's used them for money, he's lied to them. My dad has gotten him numerous jobs only to work a couple of days to get a ck and go out on a binge.  Both of my parents pretty much said they can't handle it anymore w/him .. they fight because of him and he doesn't even live there.  He may be homeless soon and he cannot go back to their house.  its' happened way too many times ... that freaks me out cuz i don't want to see him like that.  Him and I are really close and he does get mean when he drinks, he even came after me and i thought he wz gonna hit me ... he's a big guy too! he just recently had to go to court for hitting someone w/his fist cuz he wz drunk and has to do 8wks of anger mgmt and probabtion.  I know this isn't going to change him ... Doctors have told him if he doesn't stop drinking he'll die and he's only 34 ...

Anyways, maybe try to talk to your dad, go out to lunch w/him on neutral grounds and tell him how  you feel and how you worry about him and you want him to be around to see his grandkids grow.  The last thing you do is want to hurt him but he's hurting you by doing what he's doing.  You can only tell him that, what he does w/it, well, you'll have to be patient and see ... Hope you have a good day!!!   How are old are your kids?

peace + love = happiness

[Aruba417]

Thank you so much for all of your comments and advice. It really helps and means a lot to me!

IBKlean, thank you for the prayers. We really need  them.

Marcatj, you're right. I DO need to tell him. I need someone to mediate the conversation, though. I don't think he'll listen. He'll just feel like I'm "attacking" him or something. I just need to figure out HOW I'm going to do it.

Hilary, I really hope your brother turns his life around. I know how you feel. You feel so damn helpless and miserable! RAWR! Yeah, my dad drank when we were little...but it was casual drinking. He didn't start getting drunk until I was in high school...and it started with one drunk fight. Then it didn't happen again for about a year. Then it was every 6 months...then every 2 months. To the point where we couldn't even be around him for awhile. He went to counseling for like 5 days and then quit. It helped him for awhile...*sigh*  I don't have kids yet. But my sister and her hubby do. She's 10 months old and is spoiled by her aunts and uncles!!!

Thanks again you guys! I may not sign back on until Monday. So I promise I'll check back first thing if I don't come on again this weekend!!! :)