BEING STALKED BY EX BOYFRIEND BULLY

In short form......we had a deal, he blew up and now has to pay restitution.

I love playing pool and play in tournaments.  This is something that has to be practiced, and we don't have the table at home anymore, so I go to friendly bars, run the table if I can, and go home happy.  

I never, ever go to bars if I see the exes truck there.  But he always finds me.  I have to end up leaving.

First of all, he does not hit me or any woman.  He's totally not like that.

But he's 6'8", former athelete, deep deep voice, in great shape, therefore can be intimidating to other guys.  Did I mention good looking?  He was a couple of years ago, but aged incredibly fast. Ha Ha!

He finds me, approaches me while I'm shooting, bump his belly in my face (that's where my face reaches) and start pushing forward, so I have to back up.  He hollers loudly about some of our personal affairs and everyone in the place can here and I get soooo embarrassed.  I have to end up grabbing my purse & leave.  That is so wrong.  I'm there first, and wouldn't ruin his night by going somewhere that I know he's at and enjoying himself.

Last night for example, I had the run of the table playing w/a stranger when the ex approached me and started his ****.  I told my opponent that I had to leave.  He asked me if he should walk me to my car.  I said yes, please!  Next thing I know, the ex has him slammed up against a wall.

You see, every man is scared of him.  He's a giant for real.  No man will ever want anything to do with me as long as he keeps showing up and bullying me.  If he'd hit me, I could get a restraining order, but he doesn't and won't.

Anyone have suggestions?  Guys, need your imput too!

[allaboutmary]

Ewww this is a tuff one.  Is there any kind of restraining order that would keep him from going somewhere that you are ? Maybe check into it.  Would it be possible to have a friend drive you. I'm sure it's your car that alerts him to where you are, or maybe a cab.(that could get exspensive though). Hopefully someone else will have some better ideas. I haven't had any problems like this in a very long time. lol

[sadinmichigan]

sweetheart, you need to get a restraing order...ok, so he hasn't hit you..but if you can't go out without looking over your shouldr..it is a problem. I had an ex that used to mark the tires in the driveway with chalk to see if I moved the car...unfortunately the law doesn't care until they actually do something..so you need to take action for yourself..and intimidating you and beating up any potential dates..is abuse..please report it...

[starfish1963]

I would think the establishments owner could put a restraining order on him with a lot less hastle, all they have to do is fill out a paper in Florida and they are served PERIOD it's over and you can go there all you want.
If you feel your life is in danger or harm than I would have an order myself as well.
Good luck and God Bless :)

[alienshadow]

He does not have to hit you stalking is against the law at least in N.C.
Seems he is playing head games with you to control you from having a life. If I were you I would have my fun if he shows up let the manager know whats up and they will take care of it from there.
Remember this the bigger they are the harder they fall so what hes a GIANT sounds right down my alley I love the big boys they break easy.
Dont let him ruin your fun show him he isnt going to control you seems to me he knows he can thats why he continues to harrass you.
Hey why not surprise him when no one is looking pepper spray his a ss one time and walk right off :))))

[Coolio Hernendez]

I hate dudes like this....

You must know of one weakness of his. Mother issues, sex issues or something and thats what you have to use against him. When he is making the scene in the bar and everyone is watching maybe you could say " look i cant help it that you had feelings for Steve" . If he is like most knuckle heads that i know then even the thought of a girl calling him gay would make him think twice before making a scene again.....Just trying to help.

BTW i have many gay friends and think they are just great people.

[flmagi]

I love Coolio's idea, but it could cause more trouble than its worth.
There is no reason why you can't get a restraining order on him. And for your own self preservation, you can lie.  He is stalking you and you fear him...thats all you have to say.
You gotta do something about this giant a$$ hole.

[newgirl2708]

He is dangerous. The more you ignore him the more he ante's up...My knee jerk reaction was get a restraining order too, but that only seems to pi$$ them off even more. However, it's usually what you have to do to start a record showing he does harrass you. Otherwise he's just bullying you. I really like the idea of the establishments getting involved. They have the right to refuse anyone service and if you're there first and he's approaching you they should be witnessing that and ask him to leave. If you speak to someone before he gets there, they can step in and take care of it. That way there's a third party involved and you're not blamed for him being kicked out or embarrassed or any recourse he plans.
This is a tough one. You've got to find a balance. You do so much, I would hate for you to lose on this one past time you enjoy.
Good Luck and Beee Safe,
Marie

[enemy48]

Wow.........yall have given me quite a list of ideas here.  When I talk w/family, friends & his friends about this, they are clueless as what to do.  They just recommend that I don't go to establishments that he does.  That means not going anywhere though, unless he's working.  When he's working he goes away for a couple of weeks.  So I could do the 14 days on, 14 off.  I do have a way of knowing every single place he goes, but not until the next day, sadly.

Allabout Mary - I asked a friend to drive me, but her boyfriend doesn't want her put in the middle, just in case he'd stop by anyway.  He's an alcoholic, so goes several places in one night....like at least 5.

Sad - Whoa........chalk on the tires?  You're giving me ideas...LOL!

Starfish - The bar owners love & hate him at the same time.  So do the barmaids.  He's so crude, however spends major bucks, buys for everyone & a big tipper.  Right now he's blowing around $600 a night.  That's a fact, as I have that info daily.  So who would you choose to stay away?

Alienshadow - Pepper spray........love that!  But isn't that like a weapon?  Can I do that to someone in a bar and not affect anyone else around.  Now........if I'd do that, THEN he'd take a swing at me for sure!!!!!!!!!!!!  Maybe that's what I need?  Provoke him to hit me?  OMG.......I'd be dead.  Or disfigured.

Coolio Baby! - You have a neat idea.  I do know some weaknesses!  The gay thing I can't do for very personal reasons about my ex husband, and wouldn't want anything getting out about that.  Actually the sex issue.  He is a very high strung testertrone (sp) male and need it.  IT meaning not the hand, not the mouth, the it.  One of his closest friend's girlfriend's told me that he hasn't scored since we split.  He also said that he confessed that he used to be all that and a bag of chips, and well, he's just getting older and not like that anymore.  HA!  Love it!  So come up w/a funny for me about the sex!

flmagi - What can I lie about?  I'd lie to keep this bully away.

New Girl -  Are you saying that ignoring him is making it worse?  Because that's exactly what I've done.  Since the split, I haven't taken 1 single call, haven't replied to his email, when he comes to my door, I don't open,...I just put the barking dog at the door.  That's kinda funny b/c dog's a chiwawau!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The chiwawau and the giant bully!  He eventually goes away.  Knee Jerk?  Kick him in the balls?  Oh man.....I don't know if I could do that.  

This is really giving me ideas, however it's difficult to be heard over his voice.  He'd never shut up long enough for me to get a couple of words in.

Humph.........

[newgirl2708]

no, no, no...knee jerk is just a term...like a 'knee jerk reaction' you know first impulse thought...at any rate..don't kick 'em...unless you can drop him like a sack of dog $ hi t. then move away. ;)
these guys hate being ignored, that's why they bully and are loud and want so much attention. that's why he spends so much money..it gets him attention..i was in court for 6 years because of my ex. he's one of these bullys. we were done in a year. i was well on with my life, he kept taking me back and back and back. he went through 3 lawyers, everyone quit helping him because he was just doing it to get me to react and get my attention...ignoring him is the only immeadiate thing you can do..i still say go to the establishments owner or managers and have them at least try to intervine..if not, take up knitting and stay home..
but you're too pretty to hide... ;)
best wishes!

[enemy48]

I've done the restraining order 4 times in my past and they were all a piece of cake, but the issues of the stalkers were different.

One guy was getting into my house and hiding in my closet or under my bed.  That was freaky........oooh.......real bad memories.

The other two hit me.

This jacka$$ is just yelling out words in a roll that doesn't stop, and comes up to me w/his belly in my face and backs me up and beats up guys trying to help me.

Take up knitting huh?  ROFLMAO!!!!!!!  I'll have plenty of time to do that later in life.

I'm gonna have a date mid afternoon.  I haven't decided w/who yet.  One is a restaurant owner, and the other is my ex husband.  I love my exhubby, but not the way I used to, so kind of hate giving him hope.  I tell him that, and he's okay with it.

Ex hubby goes way out......go to a spa & get his & her's massages, then a movie, then dinner.  Just wish it would be someone I lust for.

Restaurant Guy.........He's h o t t t t t.........has admired me for 2 years and I've never gone out with him b/c I was with the bully.  But there's something about him that I can't put my finger on.  And he has a beautiful bike w/the lady seat.  A nice ride, then I could get the helmet hair!  LOL!

[enemy48]

My last reply was for you.

[Coolio Hernendez]

You could get some ideas from Linda Hogan LOL....She really put Hulk thru some ****.



PS: Maybe someone can help me.    What does LMAO mean?

[catmagnet]

I would definitely get some legal help. In my state, harassment doesn't necessarily mean anyone needs to hit you..even if they just BOTHER you, it's against the law.

[enemy48]

LMAO - Laughing my a$$ off

[sadinmichigan]

Is there anything you can do to start embarrasing his sorry a$$ in public?? Then maybe he won't be tempted to follow you around..
this situation stinks..I am sorry that you have to worry about it. He is harrassing you and that should be enough though to get a restraining order. Every time he talks to you in public , call the police and make a report..say whatever you have to.

[Vicotram]

I'd introduce him to .44 maggie.

[enemy48]

LOL........that's a gun, huh?

Why am I not surprised hearing this from you?

How about if I just fly all you wonderful men here to just kick his A$$?

[Coolio Hernendez]

If you mean kick his *** when he's not looking then run ....LOL

[mimi1313]

You have a lot going on don't you? I know you've been in a lot of pain lately now this. You culd get a restraining order with jsut mental abuse. Documnet EVERYTHING! If you need help, pm me, my mom is a legal advocate and can guide you in what you can do.

That's so cool that you shoot pool. So do I and guys get really mad when you run the table on them. In fact they usually stop playing. If another guy did that they wouldn't care but if a woman does it, they get alll upset!

[newgirl2708]

sorry i took so long to respond...i was on the phone with southwest booking us all a flight to n'awleens to kick some bullya$$...we're on our way...

You have a lot of good suggestions here. Just be safe...you know what to do..

P.S.
Who did you pick and how was your date?

[enemy48]

I picked the restaurant owner, only b/c he confirmed first.

Ex Hubby owns a motorcycle shop & sells the hell out of generators during hurricane season, so he was busy and called too late anyway.

Restaurant Guy - Being in the restaurant & bar business advised that I stay away from places the Bully frequents.  Well, that would mean almost everywhere, because he goes to at least 5 locations per night.  He didn't think that informing managers or owners of my problem would really solve anything, and a major factor is the $$$ amount he spends.  He will drop $200 very easily in one place treating everyone.  He then moves on to the next venue.  

I'm logging everything and yes.......getting really good suggestions here.  

I have hope that things will grow old,  The sad part is that he cannot be alone, so when he's not working, he's everywhere all over town.

He needs medication, not alcohol, but only he will make that happen.  

One day at a time.......

Love you guys,
Pamela

[Savas]

Luv, we had a stalker some time ago who was doing this sort of thing; it's very difficult to deal with. Start by picking up one of those 20$ disposable cameras (video). Whenever the bum enters a place you're in, pull out the camera, turn it on, and point and shoot. Better yet, have a friend with you do it.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, than video is worth a million.

The important thing is that you DON'T respond. Don't get angry, keep your cool; remember, a judge may be seeing this video, and you want to be sure he sees YOU as the sane, responsible individual we all pretend to be in front of judges. ;)

Document EVERY incident (time, date, location, action the bum took). DON'T be afraid to call the police. When they come, take an attitude of;

"Yes, I know you can't do anything, but I have to make a record of the incident for the court case."

Frankly, you don't even need to call the police. You can go down to the station and take out an incident report without him ever finding out.

I won't lie to you, this isn't an easy thing to go through. But if you can persevere, it pays off big time. We took on the neighborhood stalker who'd been doing this to people for years and after months of stress it paid off big...when we had him before a judge,

literally bawling his six foot six 300 pound eyes out, swearing he needed and would get help (he did; court ordered) and promising to be a good little boy. :-)

[enemy48]

Savis,

I didn't even know they made disposable video cameras.  That's is the greatest suggestion!

Believe it or not, he can be so logically convincing to a judge.  I've seen it w/both of his ex wives.

A video would prove the other personality!  I will look into getting one ASAP!  Do you know how long the coverage is?

I am so appreciative of all of you guys for the suggestions & help.  Just in case this doesn't go away like I'm hoping, yall have better prepared me!

Oh, and Savis........I LOVE NEW YORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugzzzzzzzz,
Pamela

[Savas]

That's the biggest problem. If you can just get 30 seconds of him being an *ss on video, it destroys any of that pretend reasonableness in court.

They can record for about 20 minutes and the quality is pretty good. The only problem is the sound quality may have trouble in a bar, and you have to be sure not to jerk the camera around a lot.  I'd suggest if you see him, get it ready in your purse and go outside (if it's quieter).

Any Duane Reade type store should sell them.   Just remember that it's hard to video someone who's right in your face. :)  But if you think through the situation in advance (lets face it, you know what he's going to do) then you can probably work it out.

Oh, the only catch is you can delete video clips, but only the LAST recorded clip. So if you decide a clip is worthless, delete it before you do another, or you're stuck with it.

Stalkers find this video taping VERY upsetting. After all, they resent you're infringing on their right to be an *ss, right? Don't be surprised if he loses it. Also, practice turning the thing on and off as it's not very tricky, but you can mess up in the heat of the moment...and the first time you do it will be your best chance of nailing him. After that, he'll try to plan and prepare for it (unless he's a TOTAL idiot).

I'd say practice with a friend pretending to be him just to get an idea of how it works out. We had a great clip of our stalker chasing after us...but it was almost worthless because the camera was jumping around to much.

[Mangee]

Many have given sound advice for your problem. Savas has a great idea in video taping but that requires a second person, someone you can trust to do the taping from an unseen position.  Have some of the friends that you can trust to be there and bear witness as to the harrassment.  A restraining order is fine but, as many ex wives and girlfriends know, this will not stop the paranoid stalker. You need powerful, incriminating eveidence and that is not only verbal but physical also. If you can get a video of him actually putting his hands or any part of him onto you in any way, you will then have him by the ba--s. Good luck.

[starfish1963]

If it was me and I was playing pool and had a pool stick in hand, accidents do happen ya know ;) just sayin :)

[enemy48]

Mangee,

What he does is just butts his belly up against my face to where I have no choice but to back up.  As I visualize this, I see myself looking up at his face as I turn away to grap my purse, b/c it's embarrassing, and I leave b/c it's scary to everyone.

If I'd put my hand on his chest or belly, to forcefully keep him from making me back up, would that be considered putting my hand on him....so to speak?  How about using the pool stick as a "stop.........your crossing your boundary?"  I can picture him flinging the pool stick from my hands out of anger.......and it hitting the wall and breaking in half.  

I'm so much more embarrassed by him than scared of him.  

A dear friend on this forum sent me a website of different forms of abuse, and 10 of 13 symptoms fit him to the "T", however he has never physically abused me in 2 1/2 years.  The site does say that it leads to it.  I'd be dead if that happened.

[extrmeski]

I'm sorry but butting ones belly in another person's face is assult no ifs and or buts about it.  Anyone that is physical with another person like that needs a restraining order.  I see no reason why you can't get a restraining order.