Bad day and need to vent

[TimH2]

hello friends.
I need to do some venting and hope you don't mind. The depression has kicked in big time and feel like someone kicked me in the stomach. This happens every time at my point in recovery. I have to catch up with e-mails and it is just hard to concentrate on anything. I will answer all and sorry that I can't seem to function. I am in the darkest pit right now and trying to claw myself out of it. I am eating soma like crazy to ward off the cravings. If this post is "all over the board" please understand my mind is just not working at full speed. I window shop pills on line and am obsessing. I do so many deep breathing exercises I just about pass out. The dog is even looking at me weird. :) I find inspiration from my friends that have made it so far along. R2R, Lisa, DC, tzt and so many of you.I really have to wonder if I am of use to anyone trying to quit. Maybe I have "hit the wall" and just need to push through it. I want this so much and yet, that addict in me wants the pills. I have soma, trazodone, vitamins and gambentin. My pity party is so big right now that Kensington Palace would not have room to hold it. I envy those that have pills right now and that is not good. I know that I have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and GET OVER IT. I know the entire drill and realize that this is part of recovery. I have done this too many times to count and could write a book about every phase that I go through. I am shaky and very irritable. Look up "negativity" in Wesbster's and you will see my picture. This love affair with hydros has to stop and it is taking every ounce of strength to hang in there. You all inspire me and it keeps me going. I really hate to be such a bummer and this time I won't leave the board. I need to read every positive post and draw strength from them. This time I will not go hide in a corner and let this get to me. I keep thinking of the book my children love me to read to them "The Little Train that Could." I can't even go into work tonight, I am afraid that I could terminate someone for no reason at all. It is best that I stay home and let my manager handle the business. My energy level is zilch and even typing this is difficult. Please bare right now and I will answer every message I have received. I care very much for each and every one of you.You are strong and my wishes are with you to get through this. I will fight this and make it through. I know this is just a phase of my recovery and it will pass. I am rooting for all of you and pray for your recovery. You are strong people and can make it through this.

God Bless,
Tim

PS  Aren't I just the happy camper today? I wish that I could sleep this away, but I can't.

[teenutz]

Hang in there. I will pray for you. I know it's tough, real tough! I hate those dreams about craving the drug, only to wake up and not have any. That was torture. I had those dreams every night for quite some time. Really pissed me off when I woke up. Things will get better, and when you do get your valium filled just use them at night to help you sleep and ease your mind. Hopefully those will relax you enough so you won't have those annoying dreams. Can totally relate. Keep updating us. Take care!  

[TimH2]

Again thanks for the posts. I am hanging in there and I don't feel so alone. Teenutz, you describe exactly how I am feeling. I have gone through the valium and can't fill till next week. Last night was a restless night and I got about 5 hrs sleep. Your support means a lot to me and I can' thank you enough. I will keep fighting this and hopefully will win this time. I am trying to keep busy and a postitive attitude. I am not to the point of really wrapping my mind around the fact that I will never take one again. I think this is really my major mental problem when qiutting. I dreamed about them last night and it kind of stuck with me this morning. My doc is a personal friend and I can't talk to him about this. He is like a second father to me and it would break his heart. He had no clue how addicted I was and I never ask for my pills early. I am a liar when it comes to getting pills. I am passed the point of getting on sub too. I felt allright for the first 7 days and now I have to struggle through the mental part. It is funny when you take the pills, you think I can quit these. You find out it is just the pills talking. I will hang in there!

God Bless,
Tim

PS  Looks like I had a fan post, lol. Thanks for reporting!!!!

[teenutz]

Tim I know what you are going through. I was a former Vicoden addict, and i quit cold turkey. Popped 15 pills a day, got hooked after my ankle surgery. I have relapsed a few times, but now I am o.k. with those for the most part. What you are going through is living hell! Hang in there it will get better. If you can ward off the physical part, you can make it through anything. The psychological craving is tough, but once your body goes through enough hell you won't want to go back. Some people do, but mine was so bad after popping 15 pills a day for five years I can't tell you what I went through in words. I still crave hydrocodone to this day, and I have chronic back pain due to a disc problem. I can get the pills if I really want them, they are easy at my disposal because I have friends in high places who are very reliable if I am ever in a serious pain bind, but I am scared to go back on them. If my back pain gets really bad, I have my wife get me a controlled dose from my buddies and let her moniter me on them. I take two or three a day when the pain is bad but I always want more. She never lets me though. She only gets them for me because I am honest with her. I will not go back to abusing them again. There is a responsible way to take these pills, but for us drug addicts it is tough! Unfortuantely, the narcotic pain meds are really the only thing out there that helps people who are in chronic pain or have surgical post pain. Tylenol or ibuprofen don't do ****!!! Hydrocodone works great for severe pain, I know. Hang in there man! You are going to be moody, pissed off, and not in the frame of mind to want to talk to anyone. Are you completely out? Can you not ween off them? I quit cold turkey, but let me tell you I paid the price. I am new to this forum and am trying to help as much as I can. I am overwhelmed by the number of people who need so much help. It makes me realize I am not alone, neither are you. The narcotic pain medications are really not that bad in one sense: people in society do need them for pain and chronic medical conditions, but on the other hand I blame doctor's for people's addiction. Doctors should switch out someone's pain meds if they have been on one medication for awhile. This reduces the chance of addiction to a particular medication. Of course though, our personality plays a role in how addicted we become to the drug. Drink lots of water, try to eat, and try to communicate as much as possible. Do you have a benzo like valium or xanax, or dalmane that will help you sleep at night and ease the withdrawal? If you have a trusting doctor ask him/her for a script for something like this to help ease the symptoms. Just be careful taking them. Sonata and Ambien are also good choices to help you get some rest, but be careful with these too. Soma won't do the trick. That is a muscle relaxer, although strong (I take it currently for back pain), it is nothing to ease withdrawal from hydros. I feel for you man. Hang in there. I will say some prayers for you. Let me know if I can help in anyway. Take care!

[shelby74]

Thank you for doing that too.  I think we can we can really have a peaceful forum.

Thank you too Fladdict!

:)

[emilyanne]

Check ur email

[avisg]

twice

[shelby74]

Reported.

[shelby74]

What more can I say that what all the wonderful people have said here.  We know what you are going through.  You are not alone Tim.  Keep fighting, you come so far.  This is no time to quit!  This is going to pass too.  You know that!  I am so dang proud of you.

I am rooting for the Red Sox too!  They are true underdogs! lol  Even though I would not mind seeing the Angels win another World Series.  My boss is a huge Cubs fan.  My other boss likes the D-Backs.  And my husband likes the Yankees.  I am looking forward to the Sox game tonight.  Go Boston! :)

love ya,

shel

[hurtinunit]

From reading these posts its obvious you have helped many people, including me.Thank you for that.We don't want to spend our life waiting for the next refill,its a waste of time and money.Tim you would be a awesome counsler at your local N/A,maybe this is why you have gone through this.You could help many more people and then in the process help yourself.I am on day 9 and struggling.I got hooked on vics from two back surgerys.Here it is 2:00 AM and I'm up again wanting a vicidin-@#$%-NO WE CAN BEAT THIS-

[anotherfinemess]

Yeah, the depression is a biatch; I was paralyzed with it.  But it only lasts a little while, becomes less and less frequent, and then, one day, it just becomes a thing of the past.  I know you know this, but its hard to reason with yourself when you're in the thick of it--  thats why we're here-- to remind each other to keep on keepin' on, and to keep your eyes on the prize.  

[blueyz]

Keep your chin up mister...That is a direct order!  You do remember I can put the smack-down right??? Ok, maybe not now, but once outta this sling, I'll pull out a can of whoop-azzz....You are really doing awesome and are leaps and bounds from last time.  You CAN do this!

So gotta go for now dougie downer!

Hope you know all in good fun there tim, the tim man, timmeee'

[mama_bear_4]

I envy the fact that you haven't caved like I did...you are doing so well!! Please stay strong....you will feel worse if you give in trust me...I am feeling the guilt and shame full force after going 56 hours and giving in....you can do this...and eventually, I can too....God decided that now is just not my time....but my day will come....we all have to remember that God is in control and if it is His will for each of us to stop, then he will pull us through....I believe that God is using my giving in as a way to teach me something, and I if I just keep leaning on Him and and not my own flawed thinking, then He will show me what I need to see.


Jamie

[blondee68]

I know you feel down right now.  But, we're all proud of you and your progress.  I wish I had some Soma's, nobody has ever prescribed them to me, but I have tried them before, and I think they could really help my back.  But, then I can't prescribe myself medication now can I?  And I don't trust the internet buying drugs from those places either. Things will improve for you! I'm proud of you, and wish someone could be proud of me.  I've failed myself again. Sucks on the self image thing.

Keep being there for everyone else, and we'll all be here for you.  It helps.  Take care, Tim, I'm here for you.

[NautyOne]

if you can.....use it only for sleep.  Thats why i take it.

[NautyOne]

Try to stay away from the soma if you can.  It makes you feel worse, depressed and makes cravings stronger.  I know why you take it, because you can guarantee you will get a buzz, but it is very deceiving.  I've taken soma for what seems like forever and have found that it made me more miserable during withdrawals.......I know its easier said than done, but when im off it for 4-5 days i feel so much better.

GO YANKEES........what a horrible game tonight.......

Nauty..............

[TimH2]

Thanks to each and every one of you. Your posts are like a boost of strength to me and I am calming down. I am going to chill and watch the Yanks get there butt kicked! :)  Sorry, I am a Red Sox fan and no offense intended.

I hope you all have a great night and will see you in the morning. You are really a special bunch of peeps.

God Bless,
Tim

[migsufferer]

You have given me so much inspiration in the past.  You have made it so far, keep going because you can do it.  You are an inspiration.  You told me I just needed to stop taking them about three days ago and that's what made me just "stop taking them."  I did it. I feel like ****, but I did it.  I just did it.
Please stay on the path, distract yourself.  Help someone else, maybe post to another person in need to distract yourself.  The depression must me exhausting, so maybe it's time to get some antis in your system.  Protect yourself from the low that might put you over the edge.  Be kind to your amazing self.  You are an good, your are strong, you are doing the hard work and doing it inspires others.  Keep going, you can do this.
Vent here, it's good for you.  You have so many people that care and that are pulling and praying for you.  I'm one of them.
YOU ARE SO VALUABLE AND NO MATTER WHAT, WE ALL SUPPORT THE HECK OUT OF YOU!!!!!

[hopeless]

Oh my flushin bro, how i am right there with you! When you say about the "window shopping" thing online, guess what? I do the same dang thing! The cravings that make us feel this way is just CRAZY!! I know EXACTLY how and what you are feeling right now! Know that you are not alone, everything you had mentioned, is me to the tee!!

Please, just remember that this will pass...You know it will. We need to stay focused as best as we can, although this is so damm hard! That book you read to your kids, "The little train that could" let's change it a little to - instead of "I think i can" "I think i can" to "I KNOW i can" I KNOW i can".

Oh buddy, i know this suckz, and my heart is feeling your pain right now in every way. Like i said, i am so so so going through the same thing right this very minute. I also envy the ones that have the pills right now, and looking at pictures of them online is just killing me! We need to ask ourselfs why we let them do this to us? We CAN beat this thing...AND we WILL!!!

I am here for you, and you vent as much as you need to. I does make you feel so much better. You can't hold it all in, sometimes we need just to let it all out. That's what we are here for, you remember that!

Love you
Hope

[FLaddict]

When we are using we have no choices.. our addiction calls all the shots for us. When clean and free from the euphoria of pills and its grips we have the power to choose.. and our recovery is our responsibility entirely.  this is a hard concept to grasp, all of a sudden being responsible and needing to make the right choice since its a life or death game. You are mourning the loss of your addiction. Of course you are gonna have some depression and feel some grief and anger towards yourself and everyone else for that matter. Soon you will find acceptance and you will be able to fully move forward and not look back, this takes time but you will get there if you keep making the right choice, the choice not to use, the choice not to kill yourself slowly.

Also high doses of vitamin C can really help cravings. Pick up some buffered 1000mgs Ester c and try it.. start with just one a day and work up to 2 then 3 and see how you feel..its amazing how much it helps.
I am rooting for ya... keep venting.. as long as you didn't use you are a winner today.

[road2recovery]

I am so sorry that you are going through this..I really am...i please don't think that i am any stronger than you, the cravings are bad, triggers are bad...When some said w/d is easy and it is the after that is hard..That is 100% correct...i beleive it now..I TRY to find something to do takes my mind off of it..i try praying , i do everything i can think of..I look at my kids, and i think that is what helps me most..
Do you take anything for depression??? have you tried seeing a counsouler?  i promise that is helping me so much that i told her i need to see her once a week, no matter the price...Because my want is so BIG , but i am terrified at the same time..
gosh, i wish we can all just get through it with no problems , i would take w/d's any day compared to that feeling you are talking about...That feeling for me is getting better every day..i do worry about if something happens in my life really bad, if i can truly handle it...I pray that i can., that is all i can do..I don't want to let these d am n pills win..I have always been a strong person..But by far these pillshave made me think differently...
Tim, we have to do this..if we go back then we have to do it again and again..Becasue we will either die, or lose everything we love....
i am praying for you bud...as i know you are praying for me..
fight this fight....
R2R

[avisg]

Tim,
Some days sure are better then others the good days and good and the bad days REALLY suck.I got lucky sense my relapse was only three weeks I did not get the depression this time but back in April when i quit I did .I kind of felt like this over whelming dark place that was really hard to get out of ,but ya know i did . I told myself I have five days to feel like **** and then i am done and i move on . By the end of day five I was able to do it I gave myself permission to feel crappy but only for so long .Getting out in the sun help me a lot too.
   You fight all you can Tim this is your life and you deserve good things !!!!!!!!!
We are here for you .
Avis

[Marce4]

I've hit that low before....that is when we are most vulnerable so I feel your pain. Tim you have to TRY to look at what you have and really put things in perspective.  Family is the only thing that keeps me trying and fighting to beat this!  It is in my mind all the time and some days, I feel really good about my life, and some days I don't!  I just keep thinking that tomorrow is another day and it has to be better than today!  When you least expect it, you will feel happy, maybe not 24/7 but more and more often, happiness creeps in!  Just keep looking forward, not behind you.....life is not a spectator sport, we need to get in the game!  (God that sounds so "High School Musical"! Sorry my 8yr old listens to that CD about 3 times a day so you have to expect that it has become ingrained in my mind!)

Seriously, it will get better, just keep up the fight!

[IBKleen]

I know you probably don't want to hear this but...You are right where you are supposed to be.

i went thru the exact same thing not two weeks ago. I did the same things, had the same feelings.

The good thing about it is that you are talking about it instead of acting on it. That's progress..isn't it?

It will pass Tim, and you do know that. I hope you get some good rest tonight and tomorrow get up and it will be a little better. I am pulling for you and counting on you to say "Good Morning" tomorrow.

Relax as best you can.......

Hugs...........

[lonote]

For as much as  help others around here, you vent all you want..