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CONTINUATION OF POST OF THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE

first of all i want to tHANK YOU EVERYONE FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT, I THINK I CAN SLEEP NOW ITS 324 AM AND I AM SOOOOO TIRED, BUT CANT SLEEP I HAVE A LOT ON MY MIND, ALSO WITH MY DOG SICK AND GOING THROUGH SURGERY...ITS TUFFF! PLS RESPOND BACK!!!

Hi its me again, well tonight he came home with an older woman at about 9pm.  I dont think he expected me to b home b/c all the lights were off I was sleeping in the living room and my dog is in the hospital so he wasnt barking as usual.  He came in and this woman was right behind him.  I immediately woke up out of my sleep and he looked surprised to see me.  He didnt look high or anything.  But he finally admitted to me that he has a problem, and he needs rehab.  He doesnt like what he does, but once he does it he feels guilty and cant confront me, so he goes MIA.  The lady that was with him dropped him off over her to pick up his second spare key because he apparantley was locked out of his car across town for two days, and was scared to come home.  I asked her if my BF smokes crack and she told me yes.  My bf was upset that she told me, and said she dont understand drugs like that, now she will never love me.  The lady was like you need to stop lying to her and admit you have a problem.  The lady said she is going on 11 months sober, and she used to be just like my BF, and did this for him as a favor.  Mind you I never seen this lady be4 (but apparently they knew eachother for years) My bf started crying.  I told him not to leave with her but he left with her anyways and took my cell phone without permission.  She took him back across town so that he can get into his car.  And I told him I am not riding in the car with her because I dont know her.  Well, its 324 am and he is not back home.  And I am not mad about it.

You guys are right, I need to get over it.  I know I sound pathetic but, I knew this man since I was 17.  I am a very beautifl girl but for some reason I used to look at him as a father figure.  I only am around him when he was sober.  i went away to college for 6 years so I didnt really get to know him until we moved in together and I brought him a benz and tried to make him feel special.  Because he supported me 90% while I was in college.  I am not close with my family, and I dont have many friends.  I have shut them away while I was with him.  We are engaged he brought me a beautiful ring everyone at my job knows Im engaged, but they dont know the other side to him.. Everyone thinks he is such a nice guy.  I know I need to get rid of him, he just stalks me all the time, makes my life miserable and tells me he will kill himself if I dont give him another chance Im so scared I dont know what to do I just wish I has someone to help me.
20 Responses
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Avatar universal
I think msdeltadawn was joking.
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221016 tn?1196973461
that is not true at all that only a chosen few can state their views. i respect everyone's opinion and many others do too. i notice all your posts are negative. that is just my opinion.
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Avatar universal
I yhought that too . What about the other guy?
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Avatar universal
The part that upset me that i read was she was willing to kill herself by stopping dead in the middle of a highway and letting a truck hit her. Well, ever think about that truck driver??? Maybe that truck driver has a wonderful wife and kids at home waiting for him to bring home some income so they can go on a vacation or to pay the bills etc. Does not sound like you care for someone else's life as much as you care for yours. Sorry to be rude but i found that very offensive as my family or I could be driving down the same highway when you decide to do something like that. It has happened before here not to long ago. A young girl wanted to kill herself so she drove up the wrong side of a exit ramp and had a suicide note in her car. She killed another person in the other car and she survived. Nice feeling eh? Sorry just my thought when i read it.
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Avatar universal
Its been very nice talking with you lyineyes. I'm off to work. Have a great day. Hope its not as hot as it is here 90's
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Avatar universal
okay..Guilty concience i guess. Anyways this bridge that clooapsed here in minneapolis its on the news all night and day. This is a huge story in our town
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Avatar universal
it's really not you i was referring to but it's a good idea we all should stick to!
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Avatar universal
Please don't!I I understand your feeling that way.All I can say is I will do my best to make ppl feel welcome in the future.
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Avatar universal
Why can't people agree to disagree? I personally Don't want grieving to leave. She has been at both forums for a long time and is very well liked. I just thought it  to be a bit harsh. She said why baby
the sitution?It's just my opinion and opinions are like a-- holes   everyones got one. Maybe in this case I'm the jerk. Everyone here has the right to state thier opinion not just a selected few. Personally I don't want others to feel expendable,but there are several that feel the way you do. I think you should jump in anywhere anytime, cause I'm sure ,Well not even knowing you I know you all have alot of good things to add. It may seem I'll say the work clicky, and it is intimating where the same people are talking amongst eachother. Their nice people and jump in any time. You don't
my permission. I just another struggling addict with prob  (no doubt) a big mouth who should button it sometimes and keep my thoughts to my self. I've learned something here and I apoligise.
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Avatar universal
no need to apologize.  it is what it is.  but some people, and everyone has noticed, keep their mouth shut for fear of being jumped onand it happens a lot you have to admit.
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Avatar universal
Just as some people don't understand why someone keeps using whenthey clearly get in the same situations as they did before expecting it to be different, some people don't understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship, especially one that you have been in for along time and since you were a mere child.
This is an addiction forum.  If she is addicted to hr b/f it's still an addiction.  
I understand about not posting about suicide though, it is serious.  There is a relationship forum on this site too.
As far as addict behavior goes, well, an addict willnot change for anyone, not love, not anything, unles they want to.
You have to make a decision.  Either stay and accept this as your life or move on.  It might not be easy but it is a decision you have to make and soon.
And deltadawn is rightgrieving, there really is only a few people who are allowed to reply or post here on this side........ everyone else is expendable!        
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Avatar universal
I read your posts and I think that you were just being realistic here, not so much harsh, as you were accused of being.

Your quote:     "Believe it or not, I have had some thoughts regarding some of your posts that I decided to keep to myself so as not to create any hurt feelings".      Don't you know that only the chosen few are allowed to state their opinions?

Dawn  
Helpful - 0
225213 tn?1213734690
You are welcome to come here to learn about addiction.  We have had several people who came to this forum due to their loved ones addiction.   We dont exclude anyone.   We do want to help.  You, and only you, can help this situation.  If he stalks you, get a restraining order.  Thats what I did when I was a young girl of 24 with a psycho husband.   Just fight and dont give in, ok?  No matter what.   Noone can keep you imprisoned like that and with someone who is that into drugs, there is no reasoning with him.  You cant change him or just love him enough to make it different.  He has to change himself.    Now are you going to stick around and risk your life and health while he makes up his mind whether or not to get help?  That is up to you.  I wish you the best and welcome you to stay.
tzt
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Avatar universal
I probably was harsh, I know I was, but I did not think that babying her was called for, I don't understand why anyone would stay with a guy like that.  I will keep my opinions to myself in the future and I come here again, it will only be to read and catch up on where you all are in your recovery.  Believe it or not, I have had some thoughts regarding some of your posts that I decided to keep to myself so as not to create any hurt feelings, etc.  Sorry you did not feel the same towards me.

Wishing you all the best.

Love, Cindy
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Avatar universal
have an opinion on this and grieving widow was a  bit harsh on this poor woman who wanted  to talk
to people in recovery because man in her lifes problem is centered around drugs. But sophie if your suicide, we AREN"T qualified for that.  I i wil have to say that was a fine how do you do from grievingwidow.And then fins it necessary not only give this woman your opinion, but like twist the knife a couple times about the dude. She  didn't tell us that s-- for you to throw it back in her face. you really got a heart. Hon you need to pick yourself up and make some changes only you can make it happen. A therapist is a very good place to start.
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Avatar universal
honey... you need to get to a therapist asap, and stop looking for someone to save you but YOU.

nothing happens in this life unless we make it happen.  this insanity will continue as long as you let it, as long as you continue to be a "victim."  no one is making you stay..

i'm not saying it's easy, but if you can't do it yourself, you need to go to a therapist asap and get some help.

we only ultimately have ourselves to rely on.  there's no white knight in shining armor to save you.  only you, and God.

please get some help... i wish you well...

-mj
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Avatar universal
If your b/f was locked out of his car, how did he get into the house?  Most ppl I know keep their house key on their key chain with their car key.

Commit suicide?  Over a man, a b/f who not only abuses drugs, but abuses you too.  He stalks you?  Apparently you are just as addicted to him as you say he is to you.

We were given a brain and the ability to use it.  Part of that function is the ability to make choices, and you my dear, are making the choice to stay with him.  You say "but I love him", well I loved my ex-husband the day I filed divorce papers.  I made the choice that no matter how much I loved him, I was not going to be his personal punching bad.  Best thing I ever did!!

There is not enough love in your heart to change him.  You cannot love him sober.  You say that you are pretty and it is obvious that you are a loving and compassionate woman.  There are thousands of men out there looking for someone just like you.  Don't settle.  Give that love to someone who will appreciate you for those qualities.

Peace,
Holly
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Avatar universal
I just mainly do not understand why you are still with this guy?  You would have no need to come here asking questions about your addict boyfriend if you would leave him.  He has physically assaulted you in the past, have you forgotten that?  He just brought another woman to your home in the middle of the night!  He stays gone for weeks at a time, lies, cheats,  and steals.  There is no indication he wants help or ever will.  You have to save yourself!  Why would this situation make you want to commit suicide anyway?  You would seriously consider ending your life over this deadbeat? You had not invested that much time in the relationship even and I don't believe you have children.  It is different when a couple have been together for years and years, and something like this happens, then they do need to try to make it work if they can, but not in your situation.  I will bet your parents are just worrying themselves to death - I can only imagine.  I am hoping that you have parents who you can turn to now, or some family member.  I just think you need more help than people on this forum can give you - you need assistance in getting a place to live, moving as far away from him as you can get - that is not anything we can help you with.  Please get the help you need and soon.
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Avatar universal
I was thinking suicide, I still am, from time to time. Sometimes I crave it so much I stop driving in the middle of a interstate thuway and hope a truck will hit me.  Then sometimes when I dont have suicidal feelings I try to "get happy" (as drug addict would say get sober) when Im tired of feeling suicidal, I try to convince myself that its not worth it, because I will only be hurting myself b/c no one really will really care about me when Im gone.  Yeah they will cry for a little while, but my dog will be without a home recovering from surgery, and my family will eventually get over my death.

Just as you (as an internet person) doesn't care, niether does any average person "really" if they have never been through something like this before. If I run to associates or freinds they will sit there and listen to me till im numb in the face, but right after they will think im stupid.  I dont have friends that are into the streets, and i dont really have a true best friend I can share this with, that wont judge me as another "hopeless victim of DV in a drug infested world"  This is the deepest I have gotten in depression, and I relapse back into it when I find out these terrible things that my BF of 9 yrs has been doing behind my back, and the possibilites this could cause on his health, and most importantly mine!!!!

There is something called a co-dependents and thats what I am.  Try being with someone that shows you one side of them for 9 years then turns around and does the complete opposite when he is not around you.  I dont want negative attention from the internet.  Do you really think that is fufilling????  I sat in my car with sad music several times.  I thought about jumping off buildings, bridges, getting online prescription pills and overdosing, but I know there is no definite simple solution to suicide.

As hopeless as I was on 7/29 to post this 1st BLOG ever to internet history, I sat and was looking up symptoms of an addicts, I wanted to know thie inside mind of an addict.  This was my only way to vent!!!! I had no phone and no transportation this guy had my other car at the car shop so it could get detailed, and he was running wild in the street with the mercedez I brought us from my sacrifices and hard earned money..I had no transportation for two days until my other car at the shop was finished..I had to pay for cabs everyday..

..Grieving widow, its easy to stand on the outside and say MOVEITRIGHT5 shouldnt be on this forum, she is not an addict.  That is selfish thing to say to someone reaching out in desperation to other addicts who understand my pain.  Addicts know the pain they cause others and I am learning that its a pain that they are powerless over.  You really think I would leave this message on a sober persons forum?????

Well sorry to say, drugs affects everyone regardless of whether your doing it or not.  You dont have to respond to my blog, other people on here asked me to keep them updated, and since then I try to sober up on my pondering suicide addiction.  I am young but the older I get maybe I would have a more precise plan, intent, and calibrated means to end my life.  

But right now I need an intervention so I won't decide to go that route.  And I dont need physical assistance, I dont have physical symptoms.  I am mentally ill, just as the drug addict boyfriend.  I just hide my mental illness to others that I know wont understand. (just like a drug addict).  What makes me worse than a drug addict is that I know other suicidal addicts like me that are readibly accessible.   My life wasnt suppose to turn out like this and from 17 yrs old until 26 I am stagnant.  I need a miracle because I burned my bridges by going out with a man that everyone in my family knows will only bring me down.  My family will never forgive me for choosing him, over them.  And thats the truth!!
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Avatar universal
For one thing, I don't think it is right to start a post mentioning anything to do with wanting to commit suicide unless you truly are considering this - and if that is so, we need to know or somebody does to get you help.  But I do not get that type of desperation coming from you.   I also think that you would benefit from a forum centering on relationships rather than addiction.  I mean we have already given you our feedback on your boyfriend - he is the addict and he is not asking us for help.  I just don't understand why you are still involved with him, here he comes in with another woman even and that does not clue you in?  He is an addict who has attacked you physically, disappears for days or weeks at a time, comes into your home in the middle of the night with another woman, and yet you are still writing us for advice?  You need someone (friends, family) for this kind of help, not people you have met through the internet, we cannot be there physically to assist you, everyone has already told you to get away from him, find a friend or family member to help you move somewhere that he cannot find you and come to your senses - he sounds like the scum of the earth to me, get away please!  I hate to be so harsh but I just don't get why you are still with this guy and thinking that we can help you?  Please do not mention suicide unless you are truly afraid you could get to that point, I have a friend who committed suicide last year - and it a VERY SERIOUS subject not to be taken lightly and not to be used just to garner attention.
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