Daughter detoxing from heroin... please help!

[DiEvano]

My daughter has been injecting for about 8 months. She came to me for help and I have her at my home.  It is day 3. I have a hot tub and a sauna - been using both.  Plus Calms, vitamin B1, and 5-HTP.  Also detox tea. She's real sick and resisting me now. She wants to go on Methadone and I won't let her. I have disabled her car and her cell phone battery finally died. Her boyfriend is also a user and she's wanting to go back to him so they can be sick together. I know that will never work. What can I do to help her?? How long will this take??  I am also caring for her 5 year old son.  Please give me advice!!  She's threatening to walk out of here (we live on a farm, several miles from town) - how can I keep her from leaving??

[FLaddict]

Lock her in the house keep her from the boyfriend for sure... the half life of heroin is short so it should only be a few more days of this.. and it will get better.. I have detoxed from heroin and just had 8 years clean from it.. Promise her if she stays it will get better but if she leaves she may just use and then it will start over or she could die from using again.. her tolerance won;t be the same after 3 days clean..

[FLaddict]

staying with you she has a fighting chance.. but if she leaves who knows what could happen..

[susieq87]

You may not be able to stop her.  That is the sad truth.  It may be hospital or time.  If she is underage there are things you can do, if not you may not be able to control her.  If she doesn't want help, it is hard for you to do anything.  Watch her blood pressure, anytime off a drug such as that, it can be life threatning.  She may need some detox drugs from a Dr.  Will she go to a detox center and then treatment?  If not she hasn't quit yet and you are stalling in.  For yourself, look up Alanon.

[DiEvano]

She wants to go on methadone.  She is 23 years old.  She is threatening to call the police and tell them I'm holding her against her will.  What can I give to her to make her sleep?

[susieq87]

I hate to tell you and be wrong.  I don't know if Tylenol pm would touch it.  You may have to let her go on methadone but along with that she needs a recovery program. This is what has worked me.  Herion is about as addictive as it comes, if you have medical or can afford a doctor maybe she will settle for one of those detox drugs or methadone tablets and meet you in the middle.

[hillary5]

hi .. sorry to hear about your daughter .. she's so young .. what about suboxone to help her get the w/d's and the cravings .. it can be costly but i would NOT do the methadone .. suboxone can be addicting but not like the methadone .. anyways, she can do a fast detox on it, anywhere from 10-30 days or longer if needed for the cravings .. i'm taking it for hydrocodone addiction - herion and hydrocodone are basically the same thing .. you'd have to find a dr that can prescribe it since not all of them can .. methadone is cheaper but way more addicting .. it's just a thought and another suggestion to help her get off and stay off ... you can always get more information at www.suboxone.com .. i really hope she decides to stay and her threatening to call the police really isn't here talking its more the drug talking ... has she been on here to read any of our stories of addiction and the steps that everyone else has taken to get clean and remain that way?  maybe she should, might help .. good luck to you both and will pray she won't leave ... peace~

[DiEvano]

Thank you all so much.  It's comforting to know that there's a place in this crazy drug-ridden world where people actually care.  I took her to the emergency room tonight, thinking maybe they could help.  They did give her a shot for nausea and to try to help her sleep, but that was all they could do.  I'm trying desperately to come up with the funds to put her in a decent rehab.  She seems more concerned about what her boyfriend is going thru than she is for herself.  I am going to try to find a doctor tomorrow that may be able to help her.  I will share this message board with her and hopefully she will take your words to heart.   God bless you all.

[mr.lucky66]

I've seen this situation many times before, a junkie couple. It never works. If she gets clean, chances are very high she will go back to dope because of him or on her own. Heroin addicts at her age have very poor recovery rates. You can't really do anything for her except for love her and don't enable her. all the best

[DiEvano]

What's the quantity of a "bag"?  She says she uses 5 to 10 bags... is that a lot??  Her veins have collapsed.  They couldn't even draw blood at the hospital.  DO RECOVERY CENTERS WORK??  Like narconon?  It's a lot of money and I need to know if they truly work.  

[Lilie]

You must be brave, it is so hard to watch someone you love go through such pain, DO NOT let her leave you, you are her only help right now. I wish I could be their to help, I will pray for you and just remeber God will take control. God Bless you for being such a wonderful mother.

[FLaddict]

5-10 bags is a good bit.. thats about what I was doing when I did heroin many years ago.. Its hard to tell the exact quantity of it since its not really a weight..
I went to rehab for heroin and it definately helped me.. not the first time.. but it did help.. I have now been off of heroin for 8 years and I am only 27 years old. Rehab would be the best option for her. I believe heroin is much harder to quit than other drugs, you are also addicted to the lifestyle, the needle everything about it..
Keep her away from the boyfriend.. do whatever you have to.. that is a disaster waiting to happen trust me.. I have been in your daughters shoes. And keep her away from methadone unless it at a inpatient rehab were she is closely monitored.. The physical stuff looks really bad but it doesn't really last long.. a week tops for that stuff the mental stuff is gonna be the hardest that is why a rehab is a good idea for her.

[susieq87]

The Narco or recovery only works if a person wants i to.  It can work and it will if she wants it.  They have state funded recovery centers all over.  Just call and see which ones are state funded.  Please take care of yourself as you cant help her unless you are oK.

[kentandkirk]

I'll let you in on a little secret. Every junky, wether recovered or still using, thinks that they're a doctor and are useually quite prompt to offer they're expert advice, be it rehab, home remedies,   N.A. meetings, religion ( cause no one is more welcome in an uptight congregation then a sweaty junky pacing circles in thier own vomit) or any number of other insightfull suggestions that make you wonder how such a rational thinkers could've made such a mess of thier lives. Remember that a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.  That being said, let me be the next recovering junky to give advice. let's deal with first things first. cause rehab and meetings take time that you don't have right now, cause talking isn't gonna stop the vomiting and diharea or stabilize her blood pressure so she can stop shivering yet pouring sweat at the same time. or enable her to finally sleep after 4 days, if only for 45 minutes.  oh sure, you lock her up for 10 days ( not 4 or 5, as others have indicated)  and yeah of course she would live through it, but that would be cruel and totally unnecessary, when  a simple combination of meds will ease the symptoms enough to make her kicl bearable.

your doctor can give you what's commonly reffered to as a "kick pack" which is comprised of usually 4 presciptions, # 1 clonadine-a blood pressure regulater. The drop in blood pressure is making her cold and shiverring, but sudden erradic high spikes cause her to poue sweat, in addition to her body trying to purge toxins through her poures this also causes the constant chills and skin crawling sensation, hence the term "cold turkey" # 2- belphen ( also called donatol) which, to simplify, is basically using bella donna, yes the witches brew, that in small doses settles the stomach fused with phenobarbital, but instead of putting the body to sleep, the effect is channeled to put the stomach to sleep, wich completely stops the  cramps, vomiting, and diahrea.    # 3- the exact drug chioce will varyy slightly from doctor to doctor but it's useually some brand of benzodiazapine which could be, valium, zanax, adivan, klonapin, etc.... there all in the same family and act basically the same, to prevent siezures, to ease anxiety, and as a muscle relaxer to ease back and muscle pain and  as a sleeping pill useuaally  accompanied with benadryl who's has the same active ingredien as every single over the counter sleep aid, called "diphenhydramine" but where excedrin p.m., or nytol, or unisom or sominex etc... all contain 20 milagrams or less, benadryil has has 35 milagrams and costs half as much. and some doctors will throw in a couple days worth of chloral hydrate  to help you sleep at times when all the other stuff still isn't quite knocking you out.
if you can get in to see your doctor in the morning, she should be a whole different person by that afternoon.  I've tried all the other options numerous times, to o avail, i even did the dreaded "methadone" that everyone is trying scare you away from, and while it is'nt an ultimate solution and actually takes a little longer to kick then heroin, if nothing else is working , methadone maintainance a much more manageable addiction, in that it's cheaper then dope, it's safer legally and healthwise by eliminating needles and  while it is another opiate, it's deisigned to fill the opioid receptor sites in your body but bypassing most of  pleasure center in the brain,  after your dose is stabilized you don't really get high from it, it just becomes the medicine you take every morning so you won't get sick, and changing alot of those associations and eliminating alot of the rituals and behavior of the lifestyle gradually gets you out of the junky mindset . plus it's long acting so only need to dose once a day instead of every 6 hours,  enabling you to have a job and a life so your not living the jumky life even though you are still physically an addict. then, when your ready, you taper off gradually without withdrawl.  
my name is kent and my e mail address is ***@****   .please feel free to contact me the next time you grow weary of the chat room healers and all their words of wisdom, and you just want some tangeable facts.

[littldeb]

I DON'T HAVE A PHD.  do you?  But words of wisdom from some of the people that have experienced this situation are important.  I think those that posted in response to this precious woman in a time of need were very humble (not proud) and gave her genuine advice from the voices of experience.  Time is important to her right now.  Your advice was good as well, but "tangeable facts."  Does that really make sense??  Think about it. I've been here for a few weeks now and received some VERY helpful advice and direction and I am bothered that you would first of all put down a forum that has helped so many people and second judge those that are trying to help this sweet lady. She does need a rehab and a doctor, but I don't believe your the rehab or the dr.  Advice is great but don't judge others while giving it.  It's just not right.
deb

[LIZZIE LOU]

please take time to read some of the older posts.   the same things that you discussed have been advised here many, many times.

i think this time...others responded to her overwhelming fear of trying to keep her daughter home and away from her boyfriend.

[DiEvano]

To update you all... this is Day Four and she is still with me, and improving a bit.  Thank you all for your words of wisdom and your encouragement.  I am forever thankful, truly.  Her father joined us last night and intends to stay for as long as necessary.  Together, we refuse to lose our precious daughter to drugs.  It is difficult to know which is the "best" avenue to take, yet clearly we must ask questions and explore all options.  Knowledge is power....

As I pray for my daughter, I will also pray for each of you and your continued success.

[mr.lucky66]

I glad the family is together on this. This other poster sounded very impressive but I wasn't so impressed. After telling you all that good stuff, he advocates methadone maintenence. This should be a last resort treatment when others have failed. all the best

[DiEvano]

This is Diane's daughter, Carlie. I see that you've been updated on my detoxing. My Mom lives way out in the country, and I've even though about walking out of here. I tried numerous times to fix my car. It's been pure hell here. I don't feel the withdrawl simtims like I was. I just have my moments. It's almost like a lot of the addiction was poking myself. I used quite a bit of dope each day. When I no longer could afford it, I started stripping. They was key role in how I used every day. I'm feeling much better, and I can't help that I'm worried sick about my boyfriend. He begged me not to use it, and followed along with me. Now he sits in a filthy apartment going through all this by himself. He doesn't have a great family like I do. I love him so much, and hope when I well, I can see him again.
PS. I have the best momma in the world!

[LIZZIE LOU]

hello and welcome to the forum sweetie.

i am so glad to here from you and to know that you are getting better each day.  i agree with you wholeheartedly...your mom IS awesome.  i can truly understand her pain and concern.   i am the mother of three sons who are in different stages of addiction and recovery.  please click on my name on the left side and you can read my profile...this will give you a little background on me and where i am coming from.

i am not going to comment on your situation with your b/f... not because i don't care...but because i just think you need to concentrate on helping yourself first.  i hope that you will continue to post and read on this forum.   there are several here who have kicked a heroin addiction and they could be very beneficial to you.  i will actually get in contact with them to make sure they see your post.

you are so worth saving carrie...trust in your mom to help guide you towards sobriety and recovery...but as you know, ultimately the decision is up to you.   we, as mothers, can only do so much...and then you have to do the hard part.  

big hugs sent to you,
kim

[Savas]

Well... she's already three days in. This is NOT how I'd suggest doing this, it's a really bad idea, but the damage is already done, so to speak. First time withdrawals can be so traumatic that even if she makes it through a few more days, she'll run right out and start using again. I'm not an advocate of "The pain helps you stay clean". If that was true, there'd be no addicts.

She should have gotten a clonidine prescription or the like, other med's, etc, and done this properly. Because you're trying to force her to be clean, and that NEVER works.

As of right now, you've made yourself "The enemy" to her, and hopefully she can see past that when she's feeling better. If she's still there and feeling better in two three days (doesn't run out the second she's able to walk), then that's great, you can work out a regime for her to try to get her health back. Contrary to what others say, there's a whole list of physical withdrawal issues that go on for weeks, and if you don't address them, she will relapse.
Sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic. I could be wrong and she'll wake up two days from now and be incredibly grateful. It's a nice end to the story, but very, very rare.

[DiEvano]

This is Diane's daughter, and I just wanted to fill you in more on what's going on. Frist of all, I'm 5 days clean. Most the withdrawl syptoms (symptoms) are gone. Ofcourse the mental one's are going to be the worst. I fantize about putting a needle in my arm. I hated my mom when she disabled my car, and I couldn't leave, but I see now why she did it. She tried everything she could to help make this detox as less uncomfortable as can be. We live in Dayton, Ohio. To get on suboxine... I'd have to keep using for another month until they would see me. The Methadone clinics pretty much say the same thing. INfact the Methadone clinic told me personally that I need to use as much as I can up until I come in.... amonth later. I pray I don't relaspes... I know my changes aren't that good. I've read these things, I've talked to people, but atleast I'm not hiding it from Mom. I'm tired of all the lies. I think I should get into some serious group counceling.

[Savas]

Well, that's great! I hope you can keep it up and beat the odds. If you do, you've done the right think and taken advantage of an opportunity.

[LIZZIE LOU]

don't say "i pray i don't relapse...i know my chances aren't that good".   instead say, "i know this is going to be a hard battle to fight...but i am going to fight like hell.  i can do this...i will do this".   i'm sure you have heard of the power of positive thinking.   think positively sweetie.   will this be hard?   damn betcha...probably harder than anything you have ever done before.

stay with us carlie...keep reading and posting...you will learn more about addiction, and about yourself, than you will ever learn from a professional.   these are wonderful, caring ppl...who just like you...are addicted.   give them a chance to help you...talk to you...and advise you.   but mostly...give them a chance to listen to what YOU have to say.

God bless you carlie...
kim

[FLaddict]

hi girly. I am also young and I also am a heroin addict. i have been clean for 8 years from it.  I know how you are feeling.. its hard.. i also was addicted to the ""act"' of using.. not just the drug but the preparing it using it and the lifestyle.. It gets so much better though when you are clean.. trust me..
If I can be of any help or support please don't hesitate.. my email is in my profile if you click on my screen name.. I have been in your shoes and have lived to tell the tale..

XOXO
Stephanie

[DiEvano]

Thanks for your comment. Every day is getting better and better. The bugs are gone- Thank God! I just had a huge rib meal... first I've eaten in 5 days, and I'm getting ready to go relax in the hot tub. It's really good to know there are more people out there like me.

Thanks for Caring,
Carlie

[FLaddict]

yes it will get better and better. and you can change the path and have everything you ever wanted. despite my recent run with pills that i now have 4 months clean, I owe everything I have now to being a recovering heroin addict.. I have a wonderful husband, a great fun career, the best friends a girl could ask for, I am financially stable with a savings and retirement fund.  I never would have had any of it if I would have kept on the way I was at 18, Now at 27 I have it all in my opinion. And i wouldn't change a thing.. it all happens for a reason.
Keep on fighting its worth all the sweat and tears..

XOxO

[DiEvano]

Day Six and my daughter is still with us!  The physical terror has subsided.  She claims to have no urge or desire to use again.  She is participating in choosing the course for her emotional, spirtual, and mental healing.  She is ALIVE, and thankful.

And so am I, dear people.  I am so thankful for your help and your concern.  Please know that YOU have made a huge difference to this family in need.

Diane

[DiEvano]

Absolutely -- very shaky ground!!  I am encouraging her to stay on this journey, and staying next to her every step of the way.  I know we have a long road to travel.  Yet, it was so refreshing to hear her sweet voice proclaim that she felt no urge...and that at last she felt she could conquer this demon!

Thanks for your prayers!  Please keep praying!!!  They are being answered!!

[mr.lucky66]

I hope she can hang on to what she has and get with a church or good people AA whatever. Some people can just be done with dope but they are very rare. It took 30 years of my life and I'm lucky to be alive. I hope she forgets about this boyfrend as hard as it is, These things never work out. all the best

[DiEvano]

The boyfriend issue seems to be her biggest hurdle right now.  And he is very persistent... and pulling on her heartstrings.  One minute, I think she is "on-board" with a recovery program, and the next minute she just wants to leave here and work it out on her own.  She is up and down, constantly.  I am so worried, I feel absolutely desperate.  She does not want to go away to a program.  And I am certain that she will not be able to rebuild her life in this town.  Any suggestions from anyone??

[mr.lucky66]

If they get back together 30 years of experience says it's disaster. It's a very hard thing when 2 addicted people are involved. all the best

[FLaddict]

From once being in your daughters shoes.. I would highly suggest she not stay with the boyfriend. or at least plan to take a break from him. I have been there and from my experience it just doesn't work. Two wrongs don't make a right.. She needs to work on herself.. and putting effort into a relationship that has probably be built on drug use is not what she needs right now, its a distraction for one and two together they will find a reason to use drugs. One person having cravings is one thing, two people having cravings is double the trouble..

I wish her the best of luck and hope that you are also looking into Naranon or Alanon so that you also can get support.

[mr.lucky66]

Fladdict is right I've been and rehap and have seen this many times with couples. This counceler used to say "2dead batteries can't start a car", crude but true . How is she? all the best

[DiEvano]

She's better, thanks for asking.  In fact, each day there is marked improvement.  I think she "gets it" with the boyfriend now.  She is still at my home, with me and my husband AND her father... and she's proactively participating in her go-forward plan.

Each day, the glimmer of hope shines a little more brightly!!

[DiEvano]

Still clean....

-Carlie

[DiEvano]

Go-forward plan includes one on one counseling with a therapist/addiction specialist, getting involved in some activities with her young son, starting community college, living with me, finding new friends and interests, and finding a church that will fill her spiritual need.  It's a start...  And the wonderful part is that Carlie is on-board with all of it.... it's actually HER plan.  I know it sounds a bit premature, but I truly feel like I have my daughter back!  She's determined to beat this.  For now, (and maybe a long time!) she's not venturing off on her own at all and seems content to accept the help her family is providing.  She gets mr.lucky66's comment about the two dead batteries - and she's sent the boyfriend packing.

I don't want to simplify any of this... I totally know that this is a lifelong commitment.  I also know that my daughter is an exceptional human being, and if this addiction can be beat -- she can do it!

I hope someday that I can be as kind and helpful to someone as you all have been to me.  You folks really held me up in my deepest despair.  I'm not even sure how I found this site.... one minute I was desperately searching for answers, and there you were!

[mr.lucky66]

It's rare to see progress like this. I've seen several posts similar to this and never saw this kind of progress. I hope she continues to be determined and trusts god because serious narcotic addiction like this requires serious effert. I glad she has a mother like you to help  her. My mom was always there for me too through out many years of addiction and I miss her so much and her love still keeps me going and from taking a fix or ciggarette. all the best

[DiEvano]

Hi Everyone.  It's day 17 since my daughter first came to me for help and began detoxing.  She is still clean!  She's thinking with a very clear and motivated mind.  She's not resisting any help any more.  In fact, she's soliciting help from doctors and therapists on her own.  I'm very proud of the progress she's made, and her resolve to be a RECOVERED user.  The boyfriend-issue is a thing of the past too.  She totally gets it that he needs to stay in her past.  That was a huge hurdle!!

Her father and I moved her out of her apartment and she is now living at my home.  Her plan is to go back to work, at least part time, and start school in the near future.  Her dad has been with us thru most of the nightmare... he's going back to his home in Florida tomorrow.  I think that the unity in our support for her was essential.  I thank God that he and I both were able to come together in this time of crisis to help our daughter.

I will continue posting her update for those of you that are interested.  I hope that Carlie will post here from time to time as well.  She may be an inspiration to another struggling addict, just as some of you have been an inspiration to us!  And, again, I thank you!!

[FLaddict]

Thats great Mom. I am so so so glad that this has gone so well for your family. And you are right she will be a inspiration for people like herself. I remember when I had 2 years off of heroin, I was only 21 yrs old. Girls that were 16-19 would come into the rehab I worked at and couldn't believe I was young and clean. They didn't think it was possible. Some of those girls would then come to my homegroup and I became a few of their sponsers. Addicts that age really really need someone like your daughter with the strength she has shown so far. If she keeps up this momentum she will be a huge example for other young people.
Please pass on my email that is in my profile should she ever need someone who understands to talk to, I am always available to lend an ear and whatever experience I have to offer.

[mr.lucky66]

I'm so glad . keep us posted.

[Beargizmo]

This is such wonderful news...congratulations Carlie...what a great mom you have..best wishes for your continued recovery



Jim

[jmd07]

heroin is a very very addictive drug it is a physical and mental addiction, it is very bad it changes the way you act it will make you do things you never thought you would do. it is also very hard to get off she is ganna be really sick throwing up having pain normal withdrawl symptoms you probaly should take her to a rehab facility they can give her medicine to make her sleep through the withdrawls. when she gets off heroin. she will go back to being herself. she probaly isnt acting like her self right know because its her craving for heroin taking over. but dont worry stay strong your only doing it because you love her if you didnt love her you wouldnt be going threw all this for her. maybe she should see a counsler when she gets off so she has someone to talk to about the problem she had. the thing with heroin is once your a user and you get off you always think about that high and doing it again i know because alot of my friends parents have been in the same position your in. its hard and i give my best to you. you are a very good mom to.

[Maxx28]

HELLO ALL  
FIRST THING Congratulations ON YOUR TIME !!
My first time trying to get sober I had 90 days about 3 years ago and felt OK  but  something was MISSING!!!!    
This time I have been on SUBUTEX  6 MONTHS NOW !
Subutex (buprenorphine hydrochloride) and Suboxone tablets (buprenorphine hydrochloride and naloxone hydrochloride)
I WAS TAKING NORCO AND VIC AND AND MANY, MANY OTHER PILLS around  30 to 40 pills a day ...   on and off for 10 years wow ........
I have never done heroin but have been told many times that all of these pills are just a low form of heroin.........
SUBUTEX THIS IS BEST THING EVER !   IT HAS  CHANGED MY LIFE..  AND WE NEED TO GET THE WORD OUT     REALLY !

I HAVE ALSO BEEN DIAGNOSED   BIPOLAR  AND THIS MED HAS HELPED THIS TOO.

I HAVE ZERO CRAVINGS .....AND ZERO WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS

The Doc said that the Medication is also used for Heroin addication also

I think it takes some time FOR OUR BODY to get use to it  (everybody is different  ).......
if you can stick with it  

IT IS A WOUNDER DRUG   it will change your life   !!!!!!!!!

[girlybuff]

Congrats to Carlie for getting so far and congrats to her mother for taking her there.  There is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain and any parent in the world would give their life to feel that pain rather than have their child go throught it.
That being said the physical part Carlie is barely a quarter of the battle.  You will not be able to stay clean left to your own devices and that is a statistical fact!  You NEED desperately to get into therapy or to start attending NA meeting IMMEDIATELY and get a sponsor and be around people who have been there and who feel the way you do because even though your mother loves you more than she loves herself, only an addict can really get an addict and she will never understand why you might ever want to do that to yourself again and you WILL and it's not because you want to be in that sort of pain but the disease of addiction tells your mind and tricks you into thinking that you can handle it this time or that it's only for  1 or 2 times and before you know it, you're right back to where you were.
So pleae for the love of GOD, get some help as an after care.
By the way, I realize that you love your boyfriend but you both have to do it for yourselves and alone because if you aren't clean you cannot be of any use to him or anyone else in your life and 2 addicts together have a really interesting way of talking themselves back into dancing with the devil.
Good luck to you all and God Bless!

[jessay]

Great job on getting clean I am a young addict and have been off heroin for 4 years, and even now I find even my evil subconscious still has a dream or two about it.  Stephen King the book writer said it best you are never over heroin.  Now that you have experienced it, that thought will always linger just bring positive things into your life keep out the need for drugs to provide the experience.  Most importantly stay far away from pills I caved in on that one telling myself it is nothing like shooting dope.  It is okay I can get away with a pill here and there it is all a lie!  You weren't just addicted to heroin but opiates, that desire will always be there.  Focus on your beautiful 5 year old and be glad you accomplished something that many others out there wish they could only do.  Stay clean and healthy and seriously, congratulations.  My hats off to the mother by the way, I know the verbal abuse you more then likely went through and disabling her car and what not you truly are a devoted parent.  Too much like mine makes me want to call her now.

[DiEvano]

Update... it's 11/18, and I'm still clean. I did go to a doctor, and got a script for suboxone. I felt like there was something missing... I was scared of myself, and opened up to my doctor and told her how I was feeling. Luckily for me, I really like my new doctor, and feel like I can really be honest with her. As much as my Mom hates to hear this part of our conversation... my doctor told me that she wants me to be completely upfront with her, even if I do relapse and use... that she would not "fire" me. That was a good feeling. Just to know that she would continue to help me even if I screwed up makes me not want to screw up. I guess my mind is still a little twisted, but I'm better than I've been in over a year. I've been trying to keep myself busy hanging out with sober people. I no longer see the boyfriend. I'm actually doing it. Everyone is right when they say that the physical withdrawl isn't even the worse of it. At the time it feels like it can't get any worse, but then you have that little voice in your head that tries to rationalize using again. I occassionally dream of using where I have an unlimited source of dope, and I'm sitting on my bed shooting up. There's never any point to the dreams except that I'm using. The next morning I thank GOD that I have suboxone. I think it helps me knowing that if I were to relapse that I wouldn't feel the effects or that I could possibly get sick from using. So, every morning I take my little orange pill knowing that I wont use that day. I just wanted to update everyone on my progress, and thank you all for your concern. Sorry if there are a lot of spelling errors, but I'm typing faster than usual. Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving. Oh yeah... Momma, if you are reading this- thank you... you are the best.