Dealing with the addict

My mother just recently got herself in a huge mess over drugs (crystal meth).  She was the total story of the average person, living a average life that got hung up in the perils of the drug.  It essentially took everything away from her.  No house, no job, my younger sister got taken from her and she even ended up in jail for a short time for fighting.  She just recently got out of jail (she was there for 6 weeks) and is trying to clean up her act.  She has done so many nasty things to me and my sister when she was drugging that I have a hard time believing her this time because she always says she is not going to do it again.  I think jail put a scare in her because that was a place she never went.  I believe she is staying clean and I am supportive of that.  My father passed away when I was a young girl and my sister's dad is no longer with my mother.  I have a feeling that my ex-step dad is brainwashing my sister in a negative way against my mother.  I am really bothered by this and I don't know how to tell my mom.  My sis hasn't seen her in a while because she is suppose to have monitored visits paid for by her.  My mom doesn't have the money right now to pay for that because she is trying to get herself a house and job.  I am in no position to help her financially and I want to confront my ex-step dad about this.  How do I approach this?  I am making no excuses for my moms behavior and I realize it was the drugs though.  I think the best way to help someone with addiction is to support their sobriety and that is what I am doing.  My sister is only 12 (very impressionable age) and I feel her father doesn't encourage her to visit with her mother.  I have caught him in a couple of lies lately that makes me feel that he is doing everything he can to keep my sister away from my mom.  My mom knows what she has done and what mess it has caused.  I believe in her and I just want to see her have a relationship with my sis.  Time is ticking away and financially she cannot see her for those paid visits right away.  Any advice???  

[Jennip]

I don't know a lot about meth addiction but from what I have seen, it is pretty intense.  I know you want to help your Mom in every way you can and it sounds like you are but you are the child, she is the mother.  I think that it would be best for you to probably let her deal with this particular situation on her own.  Not trying to sound harsh but she got herself into this, it would probably do her good to find away out.  I could understand you getting envolved if a life were at stake, but this is an issue between you mom and your sisters father.  I dont think that it is fair to you to get caught in it all.  Plus, if she has only been clean for 6 weeks, maybe it is best she has this time to focus on herself because she has a long long way to go.  Your Mother is also a mother to your sister, that bond is very string and even though she is only 12, nohing canbreak that bond, not even her Dad.  

[carr]

i've never heard of having to pay to visit....what state are u in?

carrie

[road2recovery]

I will tell you that addicts are good people that make bad choices...WE have to pay for those mistakes , and it is our job to get clean and stay clean...And also clean up the mess we have made..It is great that you support your mom, and that is a very good thing...you also sound like you have a good head on you...If you don't mind how old are you??
I understand your concern over your sister, and i hope your stepday ?  is not putting some really bad things in her head, because that is not fair...But it is up to your mom to follow the law, and do what she has to do to see her...
I know as a mother if that would of happened to me( and it could of or would of if i didn't quit) i would go to hell and back to clean up what i had done, and get a relationship back with my kids...That is her job right now, and you may not be able to change that...
Being supportive right now is the best thing you can do, if she does well everything should fall into place....I wish you the best of luck, and for your mom and sister also...
Life seems so unfair sometimes, but please don't lose sight of your life, and taking care of yourself, because addiction hurts everyone involved...
god bless you

[KKWilli]

I just want to suggest that maybe your sister's father feels he's protecting her by keeping her away from your mother.  Maybe he's putting things into her head, or maybe she's formed her own opinions based on what your mother's addiction has put HER through.  If her father is, indeed, alienating her from your mother, the time will come very soon when your sister will resent him for that & she will be able to make her own decisions.  If she lost custody of your sister, obviously your sister has been through a LOT.  Maybe having a break from your mother's addiction and your mother's situation really would be in the best interest of your sister.  I just know that my son's addiction is exhausting and emotionally draining & there are lots of days that I feel like I just want to run away and hide from it all - take a break from the worry and the heartache and the anxiety & I HATE the stress it puts my daughter under & wish she didn't have to go through it.  You may feel that not being able to see your little sister might somehow hurt your Mom or hamper her recovery, but please, also consider what might be the best thing for baby sister.  

[ucanhelp]

I have just read your post and was moved by it.  I too was the Adult Child in the family.  It has made me acquire the disease called Codenpendence.  There comes a time when you cannot fix all the problems that addiction can cause.  

Your mother is very fortunate to have a daughter who supports her recovery.  You are very resiliant and have alot of insight.  

Your mom has to be accountable for her actions and deal with the consequences.  Hopefully, if she can stay clean and detoxify she will be in a position to accept this harsh reality.  She alone has to travel this journey and she will have the choice on what direction her journey will take.  We all hope she makes the right decision but it is up to her.  

I have a granddaughter who is 11 right now and her mother is an alcoholic and has tried to destroy my son through many untrue allegations that had to be resolved in family court. Believe me your sister will have a severe resentment to her dad if he is trying to destroy the mother/daughter relationship!!   My granddaughter hates her mom and doesn't want to live at her house.  She says she has two homes a bad one and a good one - ours.  According to the courts she can divorce her mother when she is 12.  My son is cleaning up his addiction and is in the process of making a future home for her.  I will support him 100% if he stay clean and moves on with his life; that is his choice not mine.

You need some support as well!!  AlAlon comes to mind; they are very knowlegble people who are not judgemental.  Also, you could do some research on co dependency.  Educate yourself in the addiction your mom is dealing with; and keep posting here.

Hang in there!!  God will reward you an extra jewel in your crown..