Going out?

A problem. I haven't been out with the girl's for going on 10 year's. & my freaind from work is going out on sat night. I've been out with her a few week's ago, But that was differednt it was to bingo lol.
Enyway now there's two going out from work. Infact the other shift's are all going out that night to. ( apart form them that are working ),
Getting back to matter in hand. My man has never really liked me going out & i have excepted that & never tryed to change him. I haven't got a problem with hin going out atall. Well i said i would go. & now i'm having second though's. They have started to mention cocaine. & how they are getting some for that night & we are all in work the next day so they are getting some then aswell.
I don't drink for a start so would have to be very carful as when i'am drunk i make a total fool of myelf. That's why i don't drink. It's the coke that's worring me. I have alway's needed heroin to come down of upper's. Not just that i really don't want eny. Everyone that's going out in our gang, Which are a few more of her freaind's & sister's, They will be taking coke to!.
I cannot put myself in that situation, Plus bence isnt to happy about it.
I tryed to tell her yesrerday that i don't think i'll be going but she dimised it & said you'll come we've been planning this for week's.
Then i'm gonna have to se them on sun at work. I'm not to botherd about that, They will be hungover, Not a though i look forward to enyway.
She no's about my addiction, But she think's i've been clean year's not day's. I had to fess up as i was in the paper at the start of theyear for possesion of pot & it said " a woman batteling a herion addiction was caught with canibis" Why the hell did they have to put that?. I could of lost my job.
I'm no stranger to been in the paper. I have a big record & that just went with it.
But i have changed that part of my life now. I haven't been in trouble with the cop's since the pot thing.
What should i do?. Should i go out & just be myself ( that's what's worring me ). & try & stay away from the coke. I don't want to go , So eny ideas on how i can tell her i'm not going withoit her thinking i'm been funny?. & the money it's gonna cost a bome to go out for the night. & we just ant got that kinda money to waste. I have been saving for it but it's 6 day's till santa comes & the money can be best spent on the kid's

[uvlvrebel]

tell her you're sick, or that your mom needs you that night. just an idea.  i wouldn't go either, it sounds like a major "trigger". be strong, natalie.  i have faith you'll do well.  this is a minor thing, you'll think of a good excuse.  you could also just tell it like it is, no matter how long you've been "clean". tell her you think it might "trigger" you to start using hard drugs and franbkly you don't want to be put in that situation and you hope that as a 'good-friend' or co-worker she'll understand.-rebel

[allaboutmary]

It's still probably too soon.  Make some excuse or just don't show.  I also had to not show at many social functions in the beggining, espesially ones that had drinking going on.  I am a social drinker but was afraid it would weaken my resolve.  Friends can be so pushy at times. Don't let them push you into something that is very risky for you now.  Happy Holidays.  Mary

[jenny8575309]

You relapsed shortly after you went out with the girls last time Nat.  I'm not saying that's why, but we can't be too careful with this disease.  Be careful!  Avoid people, places and things, you've heard this before.  If you want to be clean it's probably a good idea to follow the example of clean addicts.  Clean addicts are clean because they avoid people, places, and things.  Also, I've heard women in NA with tons of clean time 10 years plus, that still avoid people places and thigns.   STAY strong, and don't give up the fight!

[jenny8575309]

Your disease is running your head if your even thinking about going out with people that are going to be using.  Do you really want to quit drugs?

[natalile]

Thank's alot.
I have just got back from work & logged on. I just told her how it is. I don't want to put myself in thoses situation's. I don't think i'm strong enough. & she was totaly ok.
I mabey had the idea that she wouldn't be coz if it was one of the addict's i used to hang with ( when i did hang with them not alot ). They would of keep on going on & on at me to go. But she was so nice about it. She even said why didn't you tell me sonner?. & then said "& what with your mum been ill the last thing you need is to be around aload of people of the head's.
God are all people like that?. I have defo been in the wrong crowd for way to long.
Enyway people ahve been telling me that i need to stay away from people place's ect. & i no i do have to so today i ran an experiment, I took 2 rout's to work & back.
The route i normaly take, To aviod the dealer in the next square, Well one the way i pass 4 user's house's & the chemist where everyone get's there methadone. & the phone box where people wait for a dealeer.
My second route. It took me right past the dealer's house & 6 other user's. But no chemist. 1 phone box that people sometime's wait at. But not that often.
I even went to the shop & i pass 3 1 dealer of smack & i crack, Plus a pot dealer & 4 user's.
How do i avoid that 1 ?.
Or do i use it NOW as a part of getting clean, Like i have been i wish it wasn't this way but i cannot make people move. Or make the police catch them, It's everywhere i live.
So the way i see it i have to deal with it now. So far i'm doing good day 9. 7 before the relspe i was to cocky, I really thought i had it beat. Little did i no this is going to take me year's if not the rest of my life. & that's what's different now. I no it's not over just because i think i'm ok.
& yes jen hun i do really want to quit drug's. If i didn't i would just say to hell with it. Why put all this energy into getting clean, I could just use that energy to use, I wouldn't be in here for 1. I no i'm finding going back to n/a hard, But it will happen. I've got alot on at the mo. My mum is on my mind 24/7. I don't like going to work incase i miss her phoning. & yes this could be another exuse for not getting my but there, But one foot in front of the other & try to keep going straight ;)
Peace nat xxx
Thank you all. You have confurmed what i new i had & did do. love you all

[jenny8575309]

I know you want to quit, I just wanted to hear you tell me that.  Keep doing the next right thing!

[natalile]

Thank you hun. love ya, I needed to say it i think?

[jenny8575309]

Sometimes when we "Try" to do things we don't do them.  There's a quote I like from Star Wars.. "There is no try, There is only do or do not"  --Yoda   We are addicts that like to complicate the **** out of everything..  Just do it!  Just tell yourself it's just one night.  Just give it another chance, what are you scared of?

[natalile]

I think it's the truth, I have to deal with it some time. & working the step's. You have worked so hard. I hope i have that in me. Self confidence aswell. I might come across out going on the p.c. But i'm shy when it come's to it. My addiction & yaer's of bullling at school saw to that.  love nat. Are yiou confused at what forum to be in?. Is this the one were in the most. People w/d ect?

[jenny8575309]

After I started working the steps I found it pretty easy, and a huge relief to accept myself for who I was.  I am pretty much at peace with the bad **** that I did.  It was such a relief!  I ran away for so many years?  Why?  It wasn't that bad.  I am ok with me today.  2 months ago, I wasn't even close.  I did alot of soul searching, and I'm growing every day.  If I don't use and I keep doing the next right thing, keep praying, I have a chance, and hope for a better future.  I'm not trying to say I don't have problems, but God will take care of them.  He'll guide me to do the right thing, and I'm ok.  I want you to be ok too nat.  This new format doesn't bother me really, I like that you can read the first line, and you can see their picture.  It just takes some getting used to.

[natalile]

There's that word again god!
Your righ you ahve come along way & faced demon's that i'm not ready for. But i have to be. I'll fail if i don't & fast. Not that i can feel myself failing. Far from it. There was a day or 2 after my mum. I almost ALMOST gave in. If i belive in a higher devine, Just not god per say will that matter?. Good why i'am i been so weak. I no i'm stronger than this hugs nat I like it to it's change. In a few hour's i've gone from like to hate to like aggain. Abit like n/a lol love nat xx

[jenny8575309]

Can you call your higher devine God?  It doesn't have to be the father of Jesus, or the author of alot of the King James Bible.  It will just make it easier for you because the term "God" is used alot in NA.  They also say higher power, but they say God too.  Can you call your higher devine God?  If not, you can use your conscience, your kids, the group conscience, anything that is bigger than Natalie, and that you believe in.

[natalile]

Thank you xxx