I F****ed it up for sure

[Greatgreebo]

NautyOne, Avisg, Ga Guy, r2r, FLaddict, Newhope....ANYONE- (if anyone is out there PLEASE write me back) It's about half past midnight here. I'm about to crack.This is my story....
I found my bottle where Honey keeps it hidden and blew the taper. Took 3 (10/325) Vics and flushed the rest except 1.5 pills. The taper is killing me. All I think about is the pills. I can't take it anymore. So tomorrow will officially be day one of CT. I've tapered a bit but I think I am in store for hell. I'm terrified. I can't let these pills rule my life yet some how they are. I am not strong enough to taper anymore. I'm gonna have the creepy crawlies and goodness knows what else for the next ? days. I have to work some this week which is really going to make it worse. I am a Biologist and the grant that keeps me (and 2 others) employed is due and it HAS to get done. So, flaking on work doesn't just screw me but 2 other people so it's really not an option. I wish I could take the whole week off to detox. I am so ashamed of myself I can't even tell my Honey what I've done. I replaced the pills with some convincing look-a-likes so he will have no idea. He doesn't count the pills or anything because he isn't an addict and has no idea how my warped brain works. It's killing me to let him down. It's killing me to be such a F**k up. I am terrified of the WD's. Maybe they won't be so bad?
Someone....anyone.....please. Just a kind word. I feel so alone.
Greebo

[Rse612]

Ive tried Faking pills.  With ultram my wife doesnt alway notice that they are around the same size as Asprin she buys.  All it does it screw yourself into buying more, esp if your getting help tapering.  No good.

[1eagle]

I just read your post and even though I am clean right now the thought crossed my mind (yes, it was a long and lonely journey) that I might even have a stash or two left around the house...I guess that we all take this one day at a time, and if we fall we don't throw in the towel. Pick up the pieces and use it as a learning experience. Drive on.

[grievingwidow]

Hey friend, I posted to you on the other forum - just a few words of encouragement!

Love, Cindy

[carr]

Here is what I took at home to kick wd's after detox.....800mg advil...3 times a day.....benedryl....25-50 mgs...3 times a day.....pepto bismal...for upset stomach....imodium....as needed.....and a nite time sleep aid....oh and nyquil...with the alcohol in it...not the daytime stuff....warm baths or a heating pad when i had the chills....this worked ok for me at home....i dont have insurance so i didnt go to the doctor....but my boyfriend is an addict and he has withdrawn too...he swears by this....good luck to u sweety....as far as ur honey....i would think he would understand about you  taking the pills and then  replacing them and then taking the fake ones back...if he is ur rock then u must be pretty special to him....stay strong...i "luff" ya! you have a friend in me.....remember there is no wrong question that the right person cant answer....

carrie

[taiwan_expat]

benzos do help, but for me they really only help me to get rest.  They don't actually take away the discomfort and I always get scared that I am gonna have withdrawls from those too if I take to frequently, especially the xanax.  For some reason if I take 1mg xanax for more than 4 days straight I always end up having withdrawls from those too.  To take care of discomfort you will need something else.  Maybe some hash or weed, if you can keep anything down then whisky has a nice numbing effect, I've even been able to squeeze out an occasional laugh if I can keep down enough whisky to get a buzz going.  I am not a big wholeistic guy, even living in the heart of herbal medicine country I just can't buy into that whole thing.  I figure with the tolerance I've built up using real drugs then there is no way in hell that some tree root or flower pill will be strong enough to fix me but I see many people on this site swear by the Thomas Recipe.  Honestly, I do always add a multivitamin and some OTC analgesics like panadol or acetaminophen to my regiment and they help a little but you need your big gun, the one you know is working for you and clonidine is cool because it is pretty much non habit forming.  Try visiting the doctor, it won't hurt you but could definately help you and I'm sure your honey will have no problem with you taking something a doctor prescribes to help you through this.  Enjoy your last good rest and don't lie to your honey!!!!!

[Greatgreebo]

You are right. THANK YOU for pointing this out. I don't lie to him, never have. And this would be the grand daddy of all lies. He is my rock and hurting him would kill me. Lying is one thing he hates and I think that's why he has been so supportive of me is because I've told him the truth. I'm gonna go take back my fake pills and hit the hay. Thank you so much-you really have saved me from myself this evening!!
I'll check back tomorrow and give you a shout.
THANK YOU!!!!
Greebs

[taiwan_expat]

i also think you should take back those fake pills.  if you try to cover it up will make things worse for both of you.  You don't want to lie to hime right?  I think it will only make you feel more guilty and that's something you really don't need right now with the emotional rollercoaster you will be riding for the next few weeks as the fog clears.  do it now, don't hesitate.  I think he will be pissed you took the pills but even more pissed if you deceive him.  the abuse can be explained and even be expected but most people find it hard to forgive deceit and that is just the kind of thing that will stick in a person's memory and possibly end up destroying your relationship.  He is your rock, the one person to turn to with all your bull sh it, if you can't count on him then who?  Please take it back, undo the deceit before he finds out and I garauntee you that you will start feeling better about yourself immediately.  You don't have to necessarily tell him right now, you can let him find out by himself then explain but deceit has no excuse.

[Greatgreebo]

ps...I'm probably going to go to bed here shortly and enjoy my last night of sleep for the next 30-100 days. If I don't answer back tonight I will check in tomorrow to see how you are and if you think the benzo's will really help or just barely help. I'm desperate!
Ciao babe,
Greebs

[Greatgreebo]

I may actually visit a doctor like you said if I totally think I'm gonna die..which I'm sure I will feel like by day 2. I've done this once before and it sucks. The first time I started on the f**king pills because of surgery (bad knees) and ended up dependent-the WD's were hell..This go round I had surgery again (knees) and ended up dependent AND addicted!  I saw it coming-didn't do much to head it off cuz I keep coming up with excuses why it wouldn't happen to me etc because avoiding a CT fwas what I was interested in for the last month..I'm terrified of the WD's.  I have some benzo's sitting around...they really aren't my thing so I've had the bottle for over a year. I think it's lorazepam. I will probably turn to them to help with the creepy crawlies. I can deal with everything except those. I get them so bad.
Thanks for the 411 on a doctors visit. Like I said-I may actually go in and ask for the clonodine to help. Do the benzo's help quite a bit? I'm guessing you've got some benzo experience for wd's that's why I'm asking.
THANK YOU for your help
it's appreciated beyond belief!!!
Greebs

[taiwan_expat]

you are going to get sick and most likely very sick.  can you take some time off at least for a doctors appointment?  I am not strong enough to cold turkey and work at the same time anymore though I had done it many times from heroin.  I have found that doctors can be really cool about this if you walk in there, tell them your in trouble and ask them for exactly what you want, like you planned this out already.  I have found they normally have no problem prescribing clonodine for the sickness and a low dose of benzodiazepines like a weak vallium or xanax for the anxiety.  Normally enough to get you through 4 to 6 days without needing to revisit.  He might be a little hesitant about the clonodine because of low blood pressure but you can reassure him you are aware of the dangers and will be monitoring your pressure, or maybe even offer a dailly return visit just to monitor your pressure is not to low.

[Greatgreebo]

thanks for the kind words. It was a bear flushing those babies but I was feeling incredibly strong yet incredibly weak all at the same time....right now I'm thinking 'WTF?!?' and wishing I hadn't done it. I KNOW it's gonna be hell starting some time tomorrow. and the taper would have continued to make the physical part easier to bear...unfortunately the mental part of the taper was to much...!
So...I've read your posts in the past-how are you doing? Interested in going CT with me? If not, I totally understand. I'm glad you answered. It's amazing how misery loves company and it's amazing how misery always happens at 2 frickin' a.m.
Talk to you soon,
Greebs

[taiwan_expat]

not sure I am the one to help but I am here now so this is what you get for now.  don't be too hard on yourself.  I am pretty sure that anyone of us trying to taper that finds the "golden stash" would have a very hard time not doing what you did.  Pride yourself on flushing the rest, I could never have done that