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I am sensing m friend has a serious addiction
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I am sensing m friend has a serious addiction

Hi, I have an ex boyfriend whom I have known for years.  He has always been quite big in the party scene.  Alhough his responsibilites lack greatly..Most call it immaturaty.  I feel its much more.  I do know he uses cocaine, ambien to sleep and drinks often.  We have parted months ago...but still both care alot about each other.  He is in a different state and we see each other every couple months.  This thanksgiving he was here and i noticed a tremendous difference in him.  He was very nervous acting...we all drank alot...he was very irritable during the day.  He would constantly leave the room and be gone for 15 min at a time..One night he stayed up very late alone...and slept all day. One day he slept and sweated the entire bed out.  He constantly is broke and asking family for money....he would have drinks and love me dearly...then when sober he would be so distant. I am so confused...I know there has to be a problem.  I do know when he arrived his uncle a doctor prescribed him valtrex or something similiar for a cold sore coming on?  Im wondering if he is such an addict ...did he snort this?  Im so clueless...Do any of these signs ring a bell?  He is now home and I havent heard from him...He is back into safety as I would say...please help..
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225156_tn?1198897104
I first noticed my brothers' addiction to Meth when his hands wouldn't stop twitching - and in ways - it looked like he was having a conversation with imaginary people (leaning in and then leaning back - being restless and looking around a lot), etc.  Does your ex-boyfriend exhibit this type of behavior?
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Avatar_n_tn
No..he really does not have that behavior.  His attitude is bad...when sober...not very happy and extremely from A to Z with me.  He was very uncomfortable around the family (his family) this weekend.  He was so great when drinking...but like i said during the day...he was very irritable.  Hehas two kids one he has never seen and the other only once a year.  He chooses to hang out with the guys he plays sports with..he is in his late 30's and lives like a college student.  Always asking for money from family and telling them lies..meaning everything they want to hear.  He has been saying for years that he is trying to straighten his life..and nothings changing.  I noticed extreme dialated eyes and complete nervousness one night for a couple hours...we all were drinking and he said he did not want to...very strange...then he chose to do so..but still acted very distant...keep leaving the room..i followed after a few times over the weekend and he was in the bathroom alot.  He says he loves me but cant be with me right now with all his issues and financial troubles...and says it in an angry way...i just cant help but wonder that the recreational use on the weekends has turned to a daily need...
he never sleeps well...and snores terribly...does any of this help?
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Avatar_m_tn
Hear you loud and clear lady....it does sound like a minor wd issue with the bed sweats and sleep disturbance and all. No on the valtrex, it isnt that kind of thing.Without all the info I have to think that there is a rock or two of crack around somewhere...but then i never had anything to do with the meth in that style... the rock is generally financially limiting. That means that he will use up all financial resources for as long as he can while he is on a run. Generally the short term absences and the bathroom isolation would indicate that also. And the angry tone? Nobody that has a rock in front of them wants to do much but smoke it. They can get quite curt with people. It is a hard one to get ahead of.....he may have to REALLY want to do it himself...but if you are concerned about him (and I think that you are) you may be able to influence him a little. you sound like a fine lady. Not too many people would do much but say goodbye to him in that condition. If you can stick with him and make a diference you will have saved a life! Just as much as if he were drowning and you threw him a line. I don't think that any one of Gods people is worth giving up on. But some are much more labor intensive than others. Only you really know, is he worth trying to help? I feel that you will arrive at the right decison on this....good luck always. stay in touch here
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271792_tn?1334983257
Ashley..

I agree with eagle, it sounds like crack or it could be cocaine. That would explain the money..the trips to the bathroom....the eyes..the sweats...the not drinking...the drinking....just about everything.

I realize that you care and would like to see him get his life together, but until he realizes that he has a problem and wants the help...there is not much you can do. You can try and approach him honestly and talk with him. Tell him how YOU feel. See if he responds. As long as he is able to maintain this lifestyle, he probably will. It is sad. It would be great if he could get some help and get on track.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
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Avatar_n_tn
thanks to both...
I am certain there is a cocaine issue while he is back home...just was confused what he was doing while he was here.  Not sure how he could get these drugs in another town...when he wasnt out alone really?  I dod know that now that he has gone we havent spoken.  He knows I am a type A Personality and would lie to me bout using...I gave him a hard time a couple months ago about it. I do know if I was to bring this to his attention right now and try to help I would get SHUT OUT!!! he would be very angry...I care about him so much and would love to help...I just dont know if it is possible without losing a friend?  Any suggestions?  He lies and tells his family while he is here that he is changing his life and goes to AA.  I know for certain thats not true...He is hiding all his issues and covering them up with lies.  But does admit that he is broke?  Sounds like an addict to me?  My brother is currently in a half way house ...so I am very youst to addicts..but never seem to understand?  He explained alot to me last evening...and also said...until he is "tired" of being "tired" he wont stop to get help and admit...I do see it getting worse from Jan 1.  Any suggestions...do I have to take a back seat...and just pray he is ok?
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271792_tn?1334983257
Ashley,

Your brother gave you sound advise. It is true--he needs to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. I assume from your brother's expereince that you know that active addicts will lie, steal, cheat and pretty much sell their grandmother's sould to get what they want.

If he is unapproachable, your best bet may be to take a back seat and pray for him.

You are worried about losing a friend. Unfortunately, you already have in a sense. He cannot be a good friend to you right now because his drug is consuming him.

Good Luck and hope to hear from you.
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Avatar_n_tn
The frequent trips to the bathroom is the dead give away.  I am 31 and quit using Meth 1 year and 10 months ago.  I used every day for about 5 years before that.  I have a wife and 5 kids who I hide it from.  The hardest thing to hide was the trips to the bathroom (to smoke).  I could hide everything else...for the most part.  My wife always thought I was using, but didn't know for sure.  Not saying it is meth, but it could be...or coke.
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Avatar_m_tn
You have some information to act on now. And you will get more. No, I seriously doubt that anyone could fully  relate to this mess unless they have been there. You deserve a large pat on the back for going as far as you already have with this. It does sound to me like he is very close to making the decision himself. Just try to be available for him. No hounding or nagging. Just throw some things out and see if he will pick up on it. What is happening Jan 1 to impact so negatively? Actually he is also covering up for lots of things by hitting the pipe so solidly, and not just by lying. He will become tired of being tired. And that is a great time to just be available for him. My thoughts and prayers will be for your success.
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Avatar_n_tn
I thank you all so much for responding to me.  I have a few other questions?  Do you only smoke meth?  wouldnt it smell?  also, can you do it for a couple hours and act normal.  I do know that I mentioned one night he was up way late...hanging out in the basement.  The other night he did not want me to stay....thought it was awful strange...that night i noticed it greatly..but just for a few hours...he was all over the place...but then suddenly calmed down a bit.

He knows that I know he uses on occassions.  I asked him this weekend if he had used coke since the last time I visited?  He said once...he told me when..and low and behold..he had already lied months ago about not doing it that weekend.  He cant keep up with the lies I guess.  I never call him out.  I have also never said you are a drug addict.  I stay nice and just pretend nothing is going on.  Except for this past saturday..we were sitting at the table and he was all over the place and not wanting to eat with the rest of us...he managed to sit and eat a small amount...then I glared at him and he replied "what" I shook my head and turned it back around.  I did it again and he said what is up?  I said you arent acting normal.  he said I am being pulled all over different directions and have not stopped till now.  I was there the entire time and no one was pulling him to do anything..he just was all over.  I pray for him often.  He was so much better in Jan. 07 when we reconnected.  He had just gotten seperated and was getting a divorce.  We planned to marry...soulmates right off the bat.  then a two months later, the cheating, lying, disappearing for days and etc..came to play.  I threatened to leave and he begged.  never mentioning drugs ever.  Then it never stopped and kept getting worse. I finally had had it...I was so pissed that he could do this..so i ended it..ever since we have not been back together and he says he cant commit..too much responsibility with all that he has on his plate.  I try to play the game and not call and leave him alone...but it has never gone two weeks without him contacting me...so...that has to be it?  I do sense that he could be bisexual..not sure...very metro at that...after our big upsetting blowout this weekend..I have left him alone and have not heard from him ...How can I help by being so far away and no communication.  Obviously he does not want me too...or just does not really care about me?  He swears he is in love with me...I am so confused...but I also am not an addict and am having a difficult time understanding...It would help if he would ?What do i do?  just move forward with my life and hope he hits bottom?  I doubt he will..his family enables him with money to fix cars, child support,,etc....?  Is this a sign of an addict..loving someone but not able to do so?  Thanks so much guys...this therapy helps me daily to cope.
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Avatar_n_tn
What do you mean about Jan1?  How do you think that he is coming close to admittance?  

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Avatar_n_tn
I would smoke 20-30 times a day, and my wife could walk in the bathroom right after I was done and not be able to tell at all.  I was doing it long enough that I could function fairly normal.  I would eat 3 meals a day and sleep every night.  Almost everyone I now that uses or used meth snorted for a few months, and then went on to smoking it (some to injecting it).  Smoking is the most popular in my opinion.  Also cold sores a common with smoking meth.  When it comes to meth I have been throughit all and seen it all.  I was always mean to the ones I was hiding it from.  If you have any more questions, I am here to help.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you so very much....I am sure i will have so many more questions?  So...you could act normal around people.  He seemed normal just not so still and always moving around.  Oh my...i just had a huge thought?  Oh my gosh...back in march...I had gotten on his email and noticed that he was buying serenges....I questioned him and he said he was getting it for some foreigners who he plays sports with for steroid use.  I thought he was on steroids for awhile too...would that be possible..?  now he is much smaller...still pretty fit as he is an athlete.  

So cold sores are common because of why?  He was very distant with me for sure...everynow and then he would throw out something really nice...but then revert right back to the distant jerk.  

So, would you guess he is doing this daily too?  Can you do meth and cocaine?  whats the difference? same buzz..one is just more expensive than the other?  Okay so where does one get it?  I know there drug dealers out there...but he was out of town?  could he have flown with it?  I always thought if you did that stuff then you were up for days?  

Sorry so many questions..I just cant comprehend but i am sure trying?  Is there anything I can do?  Calling him on it is probably a bad thing right?  How and why did you stop?  someone call you out?  fill me in...give me a daily routine for you on meth?  If you dont mind shareing.

thanks so much
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi guys.
I used to work for NBC Channel 5 in Medford, Oregon. There is a BIG project here in Southern Oregon on stopping Meth. There is some good information, lod onto this website and look for the icon for it - it has a wealth of info from past users and stuff.
www.localnewscomesfirst.com

~peace and grace
tam
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Avatar_f_tn
...honestly, your best bet in my opinion is to tell him exactly how you feel, then walk away.

if he is an addict, and also takes no responsibility in his life for anything, why would you want to continue a relationship with this man?  this behavior is exactly what you will have in store for you if you continue.. and probably worse.

you are not going to change him.  so, if you want to accept him as is, that's exactly what you have to do.  your only other option is to leave, i'm afraid (until he wants to change...)

good luck,
mj
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Avatar_n_tn
I see your point clearly...

His family is like my family.  My mothers best friend is his mother..and I am also very close with her and his sister.  I would hate to cause such issues.  If me telling him how I feel and what I think is going on...wont help...then I dont see what the point is?

i dont want him like he is..I know I cant change him..i just clearly am trying to understand and realize the addiciton issues...

I believe he has been doing like this for years...now if you saw him on the street or playing a sport you would never guess that he has this problem...is that typical?

thanks
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Avatar_f_tn
yes, it's very, very typical. most addicts don't look like what you think an "addict" would look like...

and the only purpose it may serve by telling him how you feel, then "severing ties" (at least for awhile) would for him to see there ARE repercussions to his addiction.  actually, i take that back:  i think that is secondary to taking care of yourself first, and not taking on his problems (which you can't fix, anyway.)

i would even say tell his family, but they sound like such enablers i'm not sure it would help.

these are just my opinions... i hope for both of you eventually he wants help. but again, and you already know this, he has to want it himself...

:-/
mj
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you so much...I am going to do my best to stay away and move on....like ive heard many times..he has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired...

I do thank you for your time...all this helps me so much.

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Avatar_f_tn
i hope so.. i don't mean to come off "preachy" and i DO know it's MUCH easier said than done...

and if you ever feel/need to talk again, i'm usually around...

good luck, sister..
mj
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Avatar_n_tn
thank you!  

It is easier said than done...just doesnt make sense...how someone cant help someone...isnt that what friends are for...

i guess thats what they call "tough love"
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Avatar_f_tn
yes.  and you can't help anyone with ANYTHING, not just drugs, if they don't want help.. i think you should try once or twice maybe - if they need help to see a problem, whatever - but then it really is in their hands. they have to want it..

and i think friends are for being there when you finally do want and need help. to me, that's where true friends come in...
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Avatar_n_tn
I know...but you think it would be easier to admittance if you knew you had someone by your side...then being so scared of being shut out...I guess when that time comes and he is ready...he will know who he can come to...right?
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Avatar_f_tn
yeah.  and if you are not sure - tell him.  tell him you can't watch him destroy his life, but when he ready to stop, you will be there...

trust me, when i got addicted to pills because of back pain, i didn't care what anyone thought (and hardly anyone knew, but a couple people did.) regardless, i stopped when i was ready.  not when someone else thought i should..  and i STILL struggle with it...

i wish i had all the answers for you.  but at the end of the day, he either will or he won't, no matter what you do... addiction is very, very powerful.  there is no logic to it.  you'll wear yourself out trying to put logic to it..

anyhoo, i am heading out to dinner.  i'll try to jump on a little later just in case you need someone to talk to...

:-)
take care of yourself, k?
mj
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Avatar_n_tn
sorry to take so much of your time...enjoy your dinner....

I will wait and think about all this for awhile...we arent even speaking now...hes not contacted me since he left...so it may be weeks...Im not sure why he does this...but anyway...

enjoy your night...im heading to bed...but i am an early riser...so i might wake up with more questions...

thanks again you are alot of help....Stay Strong yourself...



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Avatar_f_tn
you haven't taken up my time at all!  it helps me, too, to talk about it... and you can't imagine how many people helped me when i first came here.

anyway, i hope you sleep well, and again, i'm usually around if you need... :-)

be well,
mj
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Avatar_m_tn
Ashley you sound like a kind hearted sweetheart and anyman would be lucky to have you as a loveing careing understanding gf.  i am so sorry to tell you he needs to do this for himself.  im sure he hates himself everyday for pushing you away.  Dont take it personable drugs f with people it makes them someone else.  i can promise you if you try and help him by being there for him either be prepared to stick this out.  it might be a year it could be 20yrs.  i pray he allows you to help him and checks himself into a rehab facility. if he refuses than im sorry Ashley he isnt your true soulmate.  it hurts but its not the same man you fell for its a addict being an addict.  if it were me id go else where and find your self the right prince charming.  my personal experiance is below if you care to read my 4-5 year addiction issue.
I myself played 4 years of college football and then switched to rugby were I was fortunite enough to play at a proffesional level for almost 7 years.
     The point i am trying to make is i found myself addicted to oxys, percs, viks, just about any opiod after my 3rd knee surgery.  I have never been the type of man to lie if freinds or family asked me if i was becomeing a little to dependent on pain meds and they asked me if i could stop for them.  I explained it to my mom dad and freinds like this.  I know i need to quit and i know you and all my freinds are concerned.  But unless you are or have been an addict you will never understand i would wake up everymorning and my first thought after snorting 2 oc/80s was ok who where how can i get more who has them today?  Sadly that was my day to day reality for 4-5years it was 24/7 365.
I lost alot of freinds and a beautiful women due to my addiction because all i could focus on was who had them, how many? how much? what if there out? who else can i call? ECT.  Addicts do what they have to do to get more of there drug before withdrawls kick in.  
     My mom asked me once she said:  Honny I really just dont get it? So you basically cruch up pills and snort them right?  YES:  well do you even get a buzz or you have to take them to feel normal or not sick?  Thats right mom so i dont start withdrawling...   mom said: i still just see why you cant just stop--you dont get a buzz or anything?  I tried my best to explain to her what it felt like then . I explained that i had tried to quit many many times before but couldnt handle withdrawls.  I even did make it threw withdrawls a few times.   then after a month maybe two i found myself right back to my old habbit.  so i decided to show her I asked my mom to please come hangout with me for 2 weeks. Upon her arrival i told her i am purposly quitting cold turkey it had been running my life for to long and its my time to be done with liveing like this.
my poor mom didnt relise how bad and painfull opiod withdrawls are.  She held my hand and got me a new shirt every 10-20minutes because i was sweating so much and everytime i would scream in agany she wanted to call an ambulence. i would cry out no i did this to myself and i will beat this myself. my withdrawls were some of the most painful gut wrenching pain i have ever felt and for me they lasted "16" days.  That was two and half years ago.  It was the best decision i have ever made and i got threw it by saying come on withdrawls this is your best shot you can beat this and your life will change for the better.  
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