I can't do this anymore

All,

I have been reading your comments for the last couple of weeks. I had knee surgery a few months ago and before I knew it I was up to 10-15 Vicodin  (5/500) a day. It was so easy. I would run out early and find myself bouncing between my ortho surgeon and family doc. to get my pills-my knee hurt for a long time and the pain was unbearable. Then, when the pain was less, I would take less pills and get sick. I knew I couldn't keep on like this. It was a living hell. All I could think about was "will I run out and not be able to get anymore?"....I went about 50 hours c/t a couple of weeks ago and could NOT do it. I was so sick. I decided maybe I would taper. I tried for the last couple of weeks but would always give in...guess I got used to the high along with the pain-be-gone feeling. So.....after reading scaredgirl902's posting I decided enough was enough. I knew I wasn't alone. I did the hardest thing in my life......and was terrified. I came clean with my boyfriend. I told him I couldn't stop on my own, it made me to sick to try and that I couldn't taper without help and understanding.......He said 'no problem babe'. He is so supportive. I'm on day 2 of taking only 3 pills (8 hours apart). He leaves my 'fix' on the counter in the morning and I carry them with me to work I am battling with wanting to take all three at once because I feel head-achey and kinda down, but I know this is to be expected. I want off these things so I'm willing to suffer a bit. I wish I could stop thinking about them though...I want to take more!!!
I gave him all of my pills with the instructions that under no circumstances is he to give me more than 3 a day. I'm gonna take 1 every 8 hours for a few days. Next I will go to 2 a day for a few days, then 1 a day for a few days....then 1/2 a day for a few days and done. The cold turkey was just to painful. I would rather feel mildly miserable for an extended time rather than completely sick for 5-7 days. Call me weak. Plus, I really can't miss work and I know I would be to sick to go work if I c/t'ed
scaredgirl902, you really are not alone. It felt SO good to tell the truth.
Does anyone know if I'm gonna feel super lousy through out this taper thing or will the symptoms ease up a bit??? I'm not concentrating very well. Kinda got bone aches....just wondering if it will ease up as I get towards the end of the taper?
I hate to admit it, but I REALLY just want to take 3-4 pills at a time just so I can feel normal. I won't cave though.

I would really appreciate any advice on my taper program and some general support. I felt so alone for so long. I really didn't realize so many other people were in the boat with me!
Greebo

[road2recovery]

So glad you have your boyfriend as support..you may want to ask fladdict for a good taper...That may help
personally i did one too fast and felt like **** the whole time, then just went c/t....Everything you are feeling is so normal..
But it will get better, read alot of post, and post alot, no matter if you are venting, crying it doesn't matter to us..
I also felt so alone , and like a horrible mother and wife...Came here and realized oh my there are people like me..
Good luck
r2r

[Greatgreebo]

Thank you for your kind words. I really wish my headache would go away (that and the bone aches). I will post often. It is so nice to know that I am not alone. I don't really like me anymore. My whole day is driven by drugs and I am tired of it.
I want to wake up and feel normal and not have to dive on a pill bottle for a handful of happiness.
I'll ask fladdict about the taper....
Greebo

[road2recovery]

It will get better....It is still hard, but nice not having them control my every move is great..
good luck
r2r

[NautyOne]

check your inbox.......

Nauty..............

[Greatgreebo]

Got it and replied!........

greebo.........

[JennKitten]

I am almost a week into the tapering detox from 10- 10/325 hydrocodone a day. I tried to go down to 6 the first day and thought I was going to die. So I slowed the taper 1 a day until I got to 6 then I will do that (today is my 2nd day of 6/day) then that for 5 days, then 4 for 5 days then  2, then 1 . I wanted to know if the symptoms get worse too as I decrease my dose. The muscle and bone pain and depression is really bad. I am on Clonodine which is helping or must be because I guess I could be sicker. I am on anti depressants too but not helping much. You sound like a strong person and yeah I totally know what you mean I have thought should I take 2 3x a day but I am spreading them out, DO YOU THINK THAT IS A GOOD PLAN OR SHOULD i TAKE MORE AT EACH TIME? Good luck and any input on the question I would so appreciate it and if I can help any I would love to return the help.     Thanks and take care